Re: Newbie Seeking Answers about Self realizations

[Guest guest]

>As you can tell, I am all over the map on this one. Please help, if

>you can understand any of this and where I should start my first

>worksheet. I feel really like a bad person, impatient, not smart,

>and completely useless right now.thanksT

>

Hi Taina San,

My thought is that if you REALLY love her, you will want what makes

her happy. Right now that would seem to be not having you around. Not

that you won't get back together, but maybe you need to get some

clarity first. I find a bit of clarity is irresistably attractive to

women, but that's just my story.

Anyway lets work on being self-realized and who knows what might

happen. LOL ...

The break-up seems to be a pretty painful thought for you, so perhaps

you could begin your first worksheet with:

" She should not have left me. "

Oh ... and in my experience there is no such thing as a bad,

impatient, not smart or completely useless person. There are just

confused people, until they are not!

Loving what is, angel, and that would be you.

Neo

[Guest guest]

Dear Taina,

I thought you did a fine job of getting your judgements out. They're

all through what you wrote. I read your words carefully and teased out

the judgements that I seemed to see in your words, and separated them

into " about her " and " about me " lists. Of course, the ones I'm most

likely to see are the ones I make, so some (or all of these may be

mine and not yours.

Some of them seem to me to imply an underlying belief ( " UB " ), and I've

noted those. Where I've noted an underlying belief, again, that

probably says more about me than about you. Also, I don't mean to be

saying, " Look at this -- it isn't true. " Rather, I'm saying, " Oh,

look, here's a belief. It might be interesting to inquire into it. "

Beliefs about her:

- She should have understood me.

- She should have been open to hear my feelings.

- She should not have asked for openness and truth and honesty if she

didn't mean it.

- She should not have broken up with me.

- She should be willing to forgive me.

- She should talk to me.

- She should not hurt me. (UB: Others can hurt me.)

- She should not make fun of me.

- She should not be highly critical of others.

- She should not make " put down " comments to me in public.

- She should not criticize my son in public.

- She should not make me feel not smart enough. (UB: She can control

how I feel.)

- She should not use hurtful words and phrases. (UB: Words can be

hurtful.)

- She should not get upset with me.

Beliefs about me:

- I need to talk about me.

- I need to talk about what I have done.

- I am better than her.

- I am smarter than her.

- I crushed her heart with my words.

- My words can cause pain.

- I should be more honest.

- I should have noticed that we were not compatible in our core

values. (Can I really know the core values of another? Even if

they *tell* me?)

- I should have told her that her words were hurtful. (UB: Words can

be hurtful.)

- I should not have hurt her with my words. (UB: Words can be

hurtful.)

- I am a bad person.

- I am impatient.

- I am not smart.

- I am completely useless right now.

In the book, recommends beginning by " pointing the finger of

judgement outward. " As I understand it, that's because beginning with

self-judgement can be very painful. I've also heard her tell students

of The Work, " You can't do it wrong. "

One approach might be to take the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and

write one on your lover and one on yourself and then decide which

thought to begin inquiring on. I think it doesn't really matter where

we start because if we don't stop, we wind up covering everything

anyway.

Be gentle with yourself. Post your Work to the list if you want

feedback. Getting feedback can be an adventure in itself.

love,

Tom

[Guest guest]

Dear Taina San,

> I have recently read the work and am needing guidance on where to

> start with what seems a lot of disorganization in my life.

welcome, be kind to yourself.

> This last weekend, my lover and I broke up a budding relationship.

So, it would have been much better for you if you had not. Can you

really know that this is true?

> Although I want to do the work on myself, suggests that we start

> with someone other than ourselves, but I NEED to talk about me and

> what I have done.

I understand.

She also says, that you do the work on yourself, and may find out, that

you were the other one to judge.

> This last weekend, I told my lover that there have been times when I

> had felt that I was better than her, and smarter.

> I told her a number of other things like these, but I can't remember.

So, it would have been much better for you if you had not. Can you

really know that this is true?

> I didn't say them out of meanness or anger, but I said them from a

> point of defensiveness and ego tripping.

So, you should not have said them from a point of defensiveness?

> I felt HORRIBLE after I said it.

How do you feel with this thought? And without it?

> I immediately wanted her to forgive me and begged her not to leave,

> but she said she just wanted to be friends with me.

> We were both hurt.

Dear Taina, can you really know that that is true?

> I was hurt because she said she had wanted commit to working on the

> relationship and through the hard time we where having, but for some

> reason I just let her have my thoughts on her.

> She told me, that I flipped flopped on her, that I crushed her heart

> with my words.

> She said she thought I was two different people, like a monster,

> freaking out at her.

> But I did't raise my voice or anything.

> I was under the impression that she was truly open to hear what it was

> that I was feeling.

> She asked for openness and truth and honesty.

She should have been truly open to hear what you were feeling.

> I was telling her that I am just as good as her.

> Now, what I said goes against what I believe about people.

> I am usually a gentle person with my words.

You should be gentle with your words. Is that really true? I want to be

honest instead.

> I wanted her to not leave me at a time when I thought I needed her

> most, when I had just made myself vulnerable with my words and

> behavior.

> Yes, I was embarrassed because I had failed myself in my interactions

> with her.

> Alsok, the outcome of what I wanted for last weekend was completely

> the opposite of what I wanted.

It would be much better for your path, if the outcome had been

different. Can you really know that that is true?

> I wanted to spend a beautiful weekend with my lover in a cabin by the

> woods.

> But my words caused so much pain that she broke up with me.

She felt hurt by your words. Can you really know that that is true?

It had been much better for you, in the long term, if she had not

broken up with you. Can you really know that that is true?

She broke up with you. It's the best that could have happened. Because

it did. I am not saying that you don't come together again. Loving what

is, is not about what might happen in the future.

> I dont' know if she'll ever talk to me again.

Who's buisness is it who you talk to? Who's buisness is it who she

talks to?

> I had been hurt by her recently

Is that really true?

> and I wanted to she her that I am not always the quite docile person

> she maded fun of at times.

Did you? Really?

> She was highly critical of others, and a few times she made comments

> that were " put downs " to me in public.

> She criticized my son in public, and I often times felt that I was her

> mother, or not smart enough when we were together.

She should not critizise your son?

> I feel really bad because I should have been more honest with her from

> the beginning.

You should have been honest. What did you do? What's the truth of

reality? Did you?

> I should have noticed that we were not compatible in our core values.

Is that really true?

> She would sometimes use words and phrases that were hurtful to others,

> for exammple to refer to a group of people she would call them

> " ragheads " or she would say that nobody ever did anything for her etc.

She should not hurt other people feelings. Is that really true?

Can you really know that other people are being hurt by her phrases?

Who is the one that is hurt?

> At any rate, I feel really bad because I realized that I was dishonest

> with her, I didn't tell her that her words were hurtful.

You would be much better of, if you had. Can you really know that that

is true?

> I just kept seeing the beauty in her and kept telling her how precious

> she was,

Yes. Turn that one around.

> but then after I went through a crisis with my son and I told her that

> I had to put some things on hold, and that if she wanted to bail out

> she could, I would understand, she became very upset with me and told

> me that I wasn't a good steward of my time, and that she was walking

> 10 steps before me and that she didn't need to work on herself,

> because she was as whole as she could be. She said she was in a good

> place with her life and that she needed someone who wasn't as needy as

> me.

Whose buisness is it who you become upset with? Has anyone ever been

able to change that? Whose buisness is it if she walks on herself?

She was not as whole as she could be. Can you really know that? Turn it

around.

> All I wish is that I had been more honest with her from the get go and

> had told her that I needed to stop the relationship for now for

> myself.

" what I love about the past is that it is over. " - BK

> IN other words that I could be in a relationship right now. I am very

> sorry that I hurt her with my words,

You hurt her with your words. Can you really know that that is true?

Turn it around.

> and I wish when I had used better skills in bringing my point forward.

> As you can tell, I am all over the map on this one.

> Please help, if you can understand any of this and where I should

> start my first worksheet.

Dear Taina, I understand, and this IS your worksheet.

> I feel really like a bad person, impatient, not smart, and completely

> useless right now.

Did you do the best you could with what you had at that time?

We begin now.

> thanksT

Love,