depression, chronic pain, marriage

[Guest guest]

Just before I read this, I was sending off an email to a guy I had

been co-coaching a youth hockey team with, thinking about how I could

explain my current situation.

Then I read this message, that pretty much hits the nail on the head.

I KNOW that I would not believe what is happening if it weren't

happening to me. How do you convey that feeling to somebody, that does

not have that experience?

> There is little doubt medically that persistant and chronic pain

does cause

> depression. Exactly how much you are personally affected by the

depression ...

[Guest guest]

It looks like you are better off without her. I bet you feel like clapping

your hands with glee now that she finally realizes just how much work you

did.

Now you can get out there and enjoy your life. You aren't anyone's servant

anymore.

It sounds like your soon to be ex-wife was unhappy and decided it was your

fault. Oh well.......

Kaylene

Funny thing is that since we have separated

>she has let the yard and garden go to pot, had to call in pool engineers to

>care for the pool after she let it set all winter without maintenance, had

>to hire

>Ray Neal, moderator

>

>

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[Guest guest]

Ray,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think it's so difficult for

people, even spouses, to understand chronic pain and depression if they

haven't experienced it themselves. Every single time my husband has brought

up divorce was when I was at the bottom of low, suicidally depressed. I

know it's difficult to handle.. what with me being in pain all the time, and

then the bipolar disorder on top of it. But I do the best I can. He too

likes me to keep up with my responsibilities. Often I can't. And I know

he's unhappy. And he'll throw it up in my face sooner or later. We've been

married going on 8 years, and met when we were 6. We know so much about

each other. But he cannot understand severe depression or chronic headache.

So I put on my happy face. This is not just for him, but also for family

and for the remaining friends I have (except a select few who do

understand). It really wears a person down.

Enough about me. I'm just saying I can relate in some way. Maybe now your

wife understands all that you did.. now that she is having difficulty doing

it herself.

Ray wrote:

There is little doubt medically that persistant and chronic pain does cause

depression. Exactly how much you are personally affected by the depression

is, as always, an individual matter. But, if you have chronic pain you will

have depression to some extent, even though you may want to deny that fact.

When you have experienced chronic pain for so many years a state of low

depression exists that may seem 'normal' to you.

[Guest guest]

Ray,

What a poignant and honest post you have written!

Depression definitely plays a big role in chronic pain. There

really is no escaping it. I was foolish enough to believe that it

wouldn't happen to me because I was already being treated for

bipolar disorder. I was already on an anti-depressant, so

therefore, I wouldn't get depressed about my chronic pain. WRONG!

Not too long after I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I hit a

depression so deep that my anti-depressant dosage had to be

increased.

Chronic pain takes it's toll on you, body, mind, and soul. Just the

THOUGHT of being in pain for the rest of your life is enough to

bring you down, but the actual living through it is even worse. Day

after day of unforgiving and relentless pain is enough to wear down

even the strongest willed person. You can't get away from it, and

you can't ignore it. It's very easy to become depressed when you

have to face this day after day after day. Life often looks so

bleak when you wake up every morning facing yet another day filled

with more pain.

I'm so grateful that I have a good psychiatrist who understands, and

is able to differentiate between the two types of depression I

battle. Although they are both treated with the same medication,

how they are handled emotionally are vastly different. I don't

really suffer from the deep, dark depression that is the down side

of the mania anymore, thanks to good mood stablizing drugs, so these

days, most of my depressive episodes come from being in pain. On

those days, I start to wonder why I even bother to keep trying,

because nothing I do changes my situation. But on " good " days, I

know that I've come a long way, and that I'm in a lot better state

now than I was last April when I was diagnosed.

Like you, I have a hard time being around some family, mostly MY

family. My sister " gets " it, as she's fresh out of nursing school,

and these days Fibro is treated like a " real " illness, but some

members of my family treat me as if I'm a hypochondriac or an

addict, especially my mother. I've lost count of the times she's

lectured me about my use of narcotics for pain! I have to limit my

exposure to them, or I end up feeling really bad. My husband's

family is great though. They've been nothing but understanding. It

helps that for a while, there were 2 of us with Fibromyalgia

around. My sister-in-law's ex-boyfriend has juvenile Fibromyalgia,

so a pair of us was harder to ignore and dismiss!

Ray, it does my heart good to know that your ex is finally seeing

just how much you did, and that she's having a hard time keeping up

with it all herself. Maybe that's kind of petty and vindictive, but

after all that she's put you through, especially how she tried to

turn the kids against you, I think a little turnabout is fair play.

How she could be a physician, and not have understanding or sympathy

for people who suffer with debilitating pain every single day of

their lives is just mind boggling to me...especially when that

person is her own husband.

I'm so happy that you've found alternatives that work for you. I

wish I could do the same, as I don't like all of these meds either.

I have a TENS unit, but I would have to use it 24/7 to get the

relief I need. I changed my diet, exercise, do massage and

chiropractics, heat and ice, and take supplements that are supposed

to help with Fibro and inflammation (my back, tendons, and joints),

but sometimes the only thing that helps are the meds. I would love

to be able to walk away from it all, but I don't know if I could

bear the mess it would leave behind!

Enough of my rambling! I'm glad to hear that you are doing well,

and that this will all be over for you in November. By the way, did

I see that you mentioned a SO not too long ago? What's up with

that??

Take care,

Jen