Guest guest Posted January 15, 2004 Report Share Posted January 15, 2004 Dear Heidi, > I invite you to gently look at your fears. I know some of those fears > and they have > proved to be untrue for me. I know that when i feel afraid, i have > fear-shaded lenses .... Thank you. (1) My parents/wife/kids/friends/colleagues / people will stop liking me if I don't do what they expect of me. -Is that true? It's my fear. - Can you really know that they will stop liking you? What is your experience, your reality? have you always behaved like everybody expected of you? No, I haven't - and what has happened? Nothing, as far as I know. - Can you give an example for a situation where you did not behave like someone expected of you, and afterwards he did not like you anymore? No. - Is it true, then? No. -How do you behave, when you think people won't like you if you did not behave the way they would expect? How do you treat others? What does it feel like to believe that thought? I try to manipulate others by being someone I am not. I kind of loose myself. It is a frightening thought. -Can you see a reason to drop this thought? Yes, I can. -And can you find one peaceful reason to keep it? no. -Who would you be, if you did not believe that anyone would stop liking you the way he does, if you behaved differently from what he'd expect? Someone with integrity. Who says what he thinks and does not try bringing people to like him. -How would you turn it around? *My parents/wife/kids/friends/colleagues / people will still like me if I don't do what they expect of me. - could be as true as the above. more turnarounds? > on and everything, even love, looks so ominous and frightening. I know > that at the > school i looked my nose down on some people who seemed so into what i > called > " katie worship, " i felt better than them, judged their behavior as > cultish... That is what > i was dealing with internally, given many things in my background and > upbringing, > and the ways i'd learned to parent myself. I still got so much out of > the school -- it > met me exactly where i was at. *I* met me exactly where i was at. Six > months after > the school, it's funny, b/c i saw katie at an event and those old > judgments weren't > there. There was such love. She didn't look like the guru and i didn't > judge her and > those who i'd previously judged as worshipping her. She was love. She > was reflecting > the love and softening that had slowly been happening in me. > > Dear Red, if it would serve you, i invite you to look over your post > and see if there are > any stressful beliefs and fears in there. Doesn't mean you have to > drop them, just > look. 'just'? Takes a lot of courage to do that, doesn't it? > That's all this is about. If i look at anything with the motive of > dropping it, it just > doesn't seem to open me up as much. But even then, that's exactly > where i'm > supposed to be. All those inquiries with a motive just seem to show me > how little i > know about how my life should be run! Ha ha! And i still inquire with > motives > sometimes, but i seem to notice that and sit that scared little girl > on one of my knees > with a blanket while i go inside and inquire. I don't have to send her > to her room. > She's OK too. She's just scared. And i can go on and look inside > anyway. > > Love, > > Heidi Take care, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2004 Report Share Posted January 15, 2004 > (1) My parents/wife/kids/friends/colleagues / people will stop liking > me if I don't do what they expect of me. > -Is that true? I know some people on the list don't want to see posts from De Mello, and I hope they will move on without getting too upset, but I couldn't resist in this situation because it is so totally on topic and it made me see " My Work " in a different light when I read this as Codependance is one of my biggest issues that I'm working on. " Think of someone you love very much, someone you're close to, someone who is precious to you, and say to that person in your mind, " I'd rather have happiness than have you. " See what happens. " I'd rather be happy than have you. If I had a choice, no question about it, I'd choose happiness. " How many of you felt selfish when you said this? Many, it seems. See how we've been brainwashed? See how we've been brainwashed into thinking, " How could I be so selfish? " But look at who's being selfish. Imagine somebody saying to YOU, " How could you be so selfish that you'd choose happiness over me? " Would you not feel like responding, " Pardon me, but how could YOU be so selfish that YOU would demand I choose you above my own happiness?! " A woman once told me that when she was a child her Jesuit cousin gave a retreat in the Jesuit church in Milwaukee. He opened each conference with the words: " The test of love is sacrifice, and the gauge of love is unselfishness. " That's marvelous! I asked her, " Would you want me to love you at the cost of my happiness? " " Yes, " she answered. Isn't that delightful? Wouldn't that be wonderful? SHE would love me at the cost of HER happiness and I would love her at the cost of MY happiness, and so you've got two unhappy people, but LONG LIVE LOVE! " De Mello, SJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2004 Report Share Posted January 15, 2004 > > (1) My parents/wife/kids/friends/colleagues / people will stop > > liking me if I don't do what they expect of me. > > -Is that true? > > > I know some people on the list don't want to see posts from > De Mello, *****How does he post, seeing that he's been dead for many years? :-))) Seriously though, I find his words, like many of 's and Nisargadatta's and dozens of others as well to be gems and consistently appreciate the sharing of them here. Thank you. > and I hope they will move on without getting too upset, *****Wouldn't this be 'their' business and none of your concern? How they react to an innocent post is really 'their' business, yes? as is their getting upset. " Your " business seems to revolve around doing what you feel compelled to do. Just do it! :-)) > but I couldn't resist in this situation because it is so totally on > topic and it made me see " My Work " in a different light when I read > this as Codependance is one of my biggest issues that I'm working > on. *****Yes, it is mighty difficult to resist that which resists resistance. ;-)) Hmmmm....that might be all impulses upon which we ultimately act, eh? Oh pooey! And I thought I got to choose what I was going to react to! :-(( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2004 Report Share Posted January 16, 2004 Hi, . > ... > -Who would you be, if you did not believe that anyone would stop liking > you the way he does, if you behaved differently from what he'd expect? > Someone with integrity. Who says what he thinks and does not try > bringing people to like him. Yes! This sounds so good, . Thank you for doing this Work. It's something I've struggled with for years -- attempting to manipulate others into giving me love. > -How would you turn it around? > *My parents/wife/kids/friends/colleagues / people will still like me if > I don't do what they expect of me. - could be as true as the above. > > more turnarounds? The people around me will like me *more* if I don't do what they expect. (this has been my experience -- as I have discovered the source of love within and become less predictable, lots of feedback has come my way that seems to indicate that the people around me like me, enjoy me, and respect me more than they did when I was chasing their strokes) My thinking will stop liking me if I don't do what's expected. (some parts of my thinking -- the harsh, abusive thoughts of judgement toward myself, for example -- have *never* liked me. They won't stop liking me because they never started. However, I've noticed that as I have become less aversive to such thoughts and have started learning to meet them with understanding, they seem to be ... at least hating me less I will like my loved ones and colleagues more if I don't do what they expect of me. (this one is *very* true for me. Believing that I " have " to do what's expected and acting out of that belief often leads to feelings of resentment for me. On the other hand, when I see clearly that my behavior flows from *my* thoughts and feelings and not anyone else's and that I'm *always* doing what I want to, acting on my own choices, even when what I'm choosing is to be predictable and do what's expected, the resentment drops away because I see that no one is forcing me to do anything. Indeed, my belief is that no one *can* force me to do anything, and I cannot choose to stop acting out of my own choices. There's nothing I can do about that. Whatever I do, it springs from my thoughts and feelings. I'm glad you're here, . Thank you for sharing your Work. Tom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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