Re: Need a little help with the Work

[Guest guest]

> I really get stuck on the part about him lying to me about having

> sex with other people still. I still have the thought that he

> shouldn't have done this. Am I missing something here? I think I

> need an objective opinion with this.

>

> Thanks, Chris

>

Hi thanks for sharing your work. Try these:

-------

1. Boyfriends shouldn't lie.

2. Boyfriends shouldn't have sex with other people.

(I'll just take the first statement)

What's the reality of it? Do they? They have been lieing for centuries,

forever. Since I was born, boyfriends have been lieing. So " boyfriends

shouldn't lie " , is that true? No, it's false. It is itself a lie, a

pretend myth, completely false.

How do you feel when you believe the lie " boyfriends shouldn't lie " and

they lie? Where do you feel it in your body? What are your bodily

reactions?

Who would you be without the story " boyfriends wouldn't lie " ?

(I sense that you aren't really sitting with this one long enough or

going deep enough. Close your eyes, see Jim in your mind's eye. Just

look at him. Now continue looking at him but now you are unable to think

the thought " he shouldn't lie " . Just be there for a moment. What do you

see?)

Turnarounds: (really sit with these and feel each one).

Boyfriends should lie. Duhh, they do!

My thinking shouldn't lie. Not when it comes to other people not lieing.

I shouldn't lie. What do you lie about? For instance, do you ever have

mental sex with other people or attractions to other people?

-----------------------

Hope this helps,

with love,

--

[Guest guest]

there is such a lot of information here I find it hard to give any

objective help. Your last paragraph seems to be the one that has the most impact

for you so how about working with the one statement " he shouldn't have sex with

other people " .

My opinion on this one is not too objective. Like most people I have either had

an affair and/or been with someone who has had affairs. Sometimes because we

are doing selfhelp work we have the feeling we need to be " nice " and arise above

these feelings. In this case we need to be above the thought that we want

someone all for ourselves. Well, unless you are completely committed to an open

relationship where both of you take very seriously the safety concerns, I don't

think it ever really works well.

One of the turnarounds to my suggested statement would be " I shouldn't have sex

with other people " . This is what is happening for you both in your mind and

physically (unless he wears a full body condom and picks up nothing at all, not

even skin cells from the other person!!).

Once you realise what is the truth for you in this one you will know whether to

stay or go. You could also work with the statement " I need to stay with this

man " and see what comes up. And make a list of what you would like in a partner

and work with the statement that you deserve this. When doing a turnaround on

deserving use a statement such as " I think I deserve this " rather that " I

deserve this " because the turnaround " I don't deserve this " can be confusing.

" I think I don't deserve this " is more truthful.

Just some food for thought. Good luck from one who has been there.

Doreen

Need a little help with the Work

I have been applying the work to my life for a couple of months

now. I've tried applying it to a situation with my boyfriend, but I

haven't been able to feel the kind of peace I've felt with other

situations.

Here is what I wrote:

1. Who angers, confuses, or disappoints you, and why? What is it

about them that you don't like?

I'm angry at Jim because he lies to me and has sex with other

people. He plays games with me sometimes pulling me closer and

sometimes pushing me away. He doesn't tell me how he really

feels

about me. He gets upset with me and then won't talk to me about

it. I'm left feeling as if I did something wrong.

2. How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?

I want Jim to be honest and open with me, to stop playing games with

me, and be willing to share his feelings with me.

I want to know that everything is okay and nothing has changed.

3. What is it that they should or shouldn't do, be, think or

feel?

What advice could you offer?

Jim should open up and be willing to share himself with me.

Jim shouldn't lie to me or mislead me. Jim should tell me what I

want to know. He shouldn't feel upset because I have a concern

about his outside sexual activity.

When I believe these thoughts, I feel as if something is missing and

wrong. I can't experience my love for him or his love for me. I

believe every bad thought about him and me.

Without these thoughts, I don't know how I would be. I think I

would be free to love him and have him love me without all the

conditions and looking for him to do this or that.

Turn arounds: I should open up and be willing to share myself with

him. I shouldn't lie or mislead Jim or myself. I should tell

Jim

what he wants to know. I shouldn't feel upset about his outside

sexual activities.

4. Do you need anything from them? What do they need to do in order

for you to be happy?

I need Jim to be honest with me, to tell me how he feels, to be

clear about what he wants/doesn't want. I need to know that he

loves me no matter what.

When I believe these thoughts, my happiness is waiting on something

from Jim. Without these thoughts, I can be happy now in the

moment. I may still want to know things, but my happiness is not

dependent on it.

Turnarounds: I need to be honest with Jim/myself; I need to tell

Jim/myself how I feel; I need to be clear to Jim/myself about what I

want/don't want. I need to know that I love me no matter what.

He

needs to know that I love him no matter what.

5. What do you think of them? Make a list.

Jim is selfish, a sexual addict, thoughtless, mean, manipulative,

abusive, a lying bastard, and not worthy of my love and trust.

Turn arounds: I am selfish, obsessed with sex, thoughtless, mean,

manipulative, abusive, a lying bastard, and not worth of his trust.

6. What is it that you don't want to experience with that person

again?

I don't ever want to have Jim lie to me again or treat me poorly.

I

don't want to have this feeling that I don't know how he

feels about

me. I don't want to have this feeling that he is upset with me.

Turn arounds: I look forward to having Jim lie or treat me poorly

again. I look forward to not knowing how he feels about me. I look

forward to him being upset with me. If any of these things bother

me, it is an indication that I might consider doing more work around

this. My peace of mind is not based on Jim or anything external

from myself. It is constant and anything to the contrary is just an

illusion I've created.

I really get stuck on the part about him lying to me about having

sex with other people still. I still have the thought that he

shouldn't have done this. Am I missing something here? I think I

need an objective opinion with this.

Thanks, Chris

[Guest guest]

I've been struggling with a similar situation. And when I

roll " Loving what is " with " The Four Agreements " and " Seat of the

Soul " I get this:

We only allow ourselves to be abused as much as we abuse ourselves.

So, the belief I think you're challenging is where to draw the line

on how much disrespect you will take in the name of love and

forgiveness.

For me, what has come to light is that I want to love myself better

than that, to raise the limit.

I will love and respect my self. I will not ask for this from anyone

else. If I am not treated with the love and respect I know I deserve,

it is a gift if they walk away. And if they don't walk away, I will

walk away from the disrespect. I will love and respect my self that

much.

Does this help?

>

> 1. Who angers, confuses, or disappoints you, and why? What is it

> about them that you don't like?

>

> I'm angry at Jim because he lies to me and has sex with other

> people. He plays games with me sometimes pulling me closer and

> sometimes pushing me away. He doesn't tell me how he really

> feels

> about me. He gets upset with me and then won't talk to me about

> it. I'm left feeling as if I did something wrong.

>

> 2. How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?

> I want Jim to be honest and open with me, to stop playing games

with

> me, and be willing to share his feelings with me.

> I want to know that everything is okay and nothing has changed.

>

> 3. What is it that they should or shouldn't do, be, think or

> feel?

> What advice could you offer?

> Jim should open up and be willing to share himself with me.

> Jim shouldn't lie to me or mislead me. Jim should tell me what I

> want to know. He shouldn't feel upset because I have a concern

> about his outside sexual activity.

>

> When I believe these thoughts, I feel as if something is missing

and

> wrong. I can't experience my love for him or his love for me. I

> believe every bad thought about him and me.

> Without these thoughts, I don't know how I would be. I think I

> would be free to love him and have him love me without all the

> conditions and looking for him to do this or that.

>

> Turn arounds: I should open up and be willing to share myself with

> him. I shouldn't lie or mislead Jim or myself. I should tell

> Jim

> what he wants to know. I shouldn't feel upset about his outside

> sexual activities.

>

> 4. Do you need anything from them? What do they need to do in order

> for you to be happy?

> I need Jim to be honest with me, to tell me how he feels, to be

> clear about what he wants/doesn't want. I need to know that he

> loves me no matter what.

>

> When I believe these thoughts, my happiness is waiting on something

> from Jim. Without these thoughts, I can be happy now in the

> moment. I may still want to know things, but my happiness is not

> dependent on it.

>

> Turnarounds: I need to be honest with Jim/myself; I need to tell

> Jim/myself how I feel; I need to be clear to Jim/myself about what

I

> want/don't want. I need to know that I love me no matter what.

> He

> needs to know that I love him no matter what.

>

> 5. What do you think of them? Make a list.

> Jim is selfish, a sexual addict, thoughtless, mean, manipulative,

> abusive, a lying bastard, and not worthy of my love and trust.

> Turn arounds: I am selfish, obsessed with sex, thoughtless, mean,

> manipulative, abusive, a lying bastard, and not worth of his trust.

>

> 6. What is it that you don't want to experience with that person

> again?

> I don't ever want to have Jim lie to me again or treat me poorly.

> I

> don't want to have this feeling that I don't know how he

> feels about

> me. I don't want to have this feeling that he is upset with me.

>

> Turn arounds: I look forward to having Jim lie or treat me poorly

> again. I look forward to not knowing how he feels about me. I

look

> forward to him being upset with me. If any of these things bother

> me, it is an indication that I might consider doing more work

around

> this. My peace of mind is not based on Jim or anything external

> from myself. It is constant and anything to the contrary is just

an

> illusion I've created.

>

>

> I really get stuck on the part about him lying to me about having

> sex with other people still. I still have the thought that he

> shouldn't have done this. Am I missing something here? I think I

> need an objective opinion with this.

>

> Thanks, Chris

[Guest guest]

Hi

Could it be that you still hope that this man

will change or that you will one day have a

happy, peaceful relationship with him? If that is

your secret hope or wish, maybe that is the

reason why " The Work " hasn't yet given you real

inner peace.

The man, as you describe him, seems to be rather

disturbed...and even if you do " The Work " about

him a hundred times, he probably won't change.

But you can change inwardly. You can become

emotionally free of him.

I think, it would be helpful to observe that

man's behaviour very carefully. See what he is

really like. Observe him, study him...but don't

judge him (i.e. don't think that he should be

different; don't get angry, sad or upset by his

behaviour). If what you have observed in him

makes you feel bad, do " The Work " about that

observed trait.

Do not re-interpret his ruthless behaviour as

being loving or kind. Just see him clearly -

and that is only possible if your vision isn't

distorted by negative emotions.

When you don't feel any negative emotions about

him any more, you are free of him. You are then

in charge of the situation...and free to do

whatever is the right thing to do for YOU.

Well, these are just my thoughts on this matter.

Be well,

Elli

--- cmandev_66 schrieb:

---------------------------------

I have been applying the work to my life for a

couple of months

now. I've tried applying it to a situation with

my boyfriend, but I

haven't been able to feel the kind of peace I've

felt with other

situations.

Here is what I wrote:

1. Who angers, confuses, or disappoints you, and

why? What is it

about them that you don't like?

I'm angry at Jim because he lies to me and has

sex with other

people. He plays games with me sometimes pulling

me closer and

sometimes pushing me away. He doesn't tell me

how he really

feels

about me. He gets upset with me and then won't

talk to me about

it. I'm left feeling as if I did something

wrong.

2. How do you want them to change? What do you

want them to do?

I want Jim to be honest and open with me, to stop

playing games with

me, and be willing to share his feelings with me.

I want to know that everything is okay and

nothing has changed.

3. What is it that they should or shouldn't do,

be, think or

feel?

What advice could you offer?

Jim should open up and be willing to share

himself with me.

Jim shouldn't lie to me or mislead me. Jim

should tell me what I

want to know. He shouldn't feel upset because I

have a concern

about his outside sexual activity.

When I believe these thoughts, I feel as if

something is missing and

wrong. I can't experience my love for him or his

love for me. I

believe every bad thought about him and me.

Without these thoughts, I don't know how I would

be. I think I

would be free to love him and have him love me

without all the

conditions and looking for him to do this or

that.

Turn arounds: I should open up and be willing to

share myself with

him. I shouldn't lie or mislead Jim or myself.

I should tell

Jim

what he wants to know. I shouldn't feel upset

about his outside

sexual activities.

4. Do you need anything from them? What do they

need to do in order

for you to be happy?

I need Jim to be honest with me, to tell me how

he feels, to be

clear about what he wants/doesn't want. I need

to know that he

loves me no matter what.

When I believe these thoughts, my happiness is

waiting on something

from Jim. Without these thoughts, I can be happy

now in the

moment. I may still want to know things, but my

happiness is not

dependent on it.

Turnarounds: I need to be honest with Jim/myself;

I need to tell

Jim/myself how I feel; I need to be clear to

Jim/myself about what I

want/don't want. I need to know that I love me

no matter what.

He

needs to know that I love him no matter what.

5. What do you think of them? Make a list.

Jim is selfish, a sexual addict, thoughtless,

mean, manipulative,

abusive, a lying bastard, and not worthy of my

love and trust.

Turn arounds: I am selfish, obsessed with sex,

thoughtless, mean,

manipulative, abusive, a lying bastard, and not

worth of his trust.

6. What is it that you don't want to experience

with that person

again?

I don't ever want to have Jim lie to me again or

treat me poorly.

I

don't want to have this feeling that I don't know

how he

feels about

me. I don't want to have this feeling that he is

upset with me.

Turn arounds: I look forward to having Jim lie or

treat me poorly

again. I look forward to not knowing how he

feels about me. I look

forward to him being upset with me. If any of

these things bother

me, it is an indication that I might consider

doing more work around

this. My peace of mind is not based on Jim or

anything external

from myself. It is constant and anything to the

contrary is just an

illusion I've created.

I really get stuck on the part about him lying to

me about having

sex with other people still. I still have the

thought that he

shouldn't have done this. Am I missing something

here? I think I

need an objective opinion with this.

Thanks, Chris