Guest guest Posted November 6, 2004 Report Share Posted November 6, 2004 Hi all KO's! and to all new members - good to have you here! Happy birthday cntbreathe! About what has comforted me with NADA and my quilt, is that I try to look at life like it is made of different periods and in each I have grown. With the things I regret I try to make myself understand that with the knowlegde I had then I could not have done anything differently or better. And when it comes to NADA I have tried to understand that she is an ill person who acts normal sometimes, and that just is not healthy for me. Because she does not play by the rules of most people, I would hurt myself with having a relationship with her that forces me to act against my own beliefs and that just is the biggest reason why I tend to get depressed. If I am forced to act agains my believes, that is the most disruptive thing for me. I don't know how well I could explain about what I ment, hope you understood ;P . An other thing is either I am not allowing myself to feel the sorrow of not having a mom, or I am basicly so mad at her that I just can't feel that I would miss her. She has betrayed me so many times in my life that I don't feel any connection with her. Hugs BM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 7, 2004 Report Share Posted November 7, 2004 It's such a process. I guess when I'm missing her, I'm thinking about the times when I was her " good daughter " and so she was good to me. Now I've become her " evil daughter " . I always knew how she treated people she considered evil but honestly feel so naive that I didn't realize she was BPD until I became the target. There were so many things that happened in the past that I denied. Also my feelings were so enmeshed with hers that I was really brainwashed and in many instances not thinking for myself. It's so hard to figure it all out sometimes because father didn't help, guess he was having such a hard time dealing with her BPD and he felt like she turned my brother and me against him, but he has issues too. Won't respect my boundaries. No place is safe. Just want to feel safe. So even though you don't miss her you know what your beliefs are, that's more important than a connection with someone who's so dysfunctional because if you can't respect yourself what is there? Detaching is so hard for me. That's why I can't breathe everythime she makes her little stinging remarks and slanders me behind my back. Having a place like this to come to helps a lot. Every time I read one of these posts, I feel like I'm reading something I've been through. > > Hi all KO's! > > and to all new members - good to have you here! Happy birthday > cntbreathe! > > About what has comforted me with NADA and my quilt, is that I try to > look at life like it is made of different periods and in each I have > grown. With the things I regret I try to make myself understand that > with the knowlegde I had then I could not have done anything > differently or better. > And when it comes to NADA I have tried to understand that she is an > ill person who acts normal sometimes, and that just is not healthy > for me. Because she does not play by the rules of most people, I > would hurt myself with having a relationship with her that forces me > to act against my own beliefs and that just is the biggest reason why > I tend to get depressed. If I am forced to act agains my believes, > that is the most disruptive thing for me. > > I don't know how well I could explain about what I ment, hope you > understood ;P . An other thing is either I am not allowing myself to > feel the sorrow of not having a mom, or I am basicly so mad at her > that I just can't feel that I would miss her. She has betrayed me so > many times in my life that I don't feel any connection with her. > > Hugs BM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 7, 2004 Report Share Posted November 7, 2004 HI! I've been a good daughter too, just the last eight years I think, and that is for me too the hardest part of all this. We thought that these problems in our FOO where because of my NADA and my dad did not get along and where in good faith that things will get better after their divorce. Nada had her downs during this time, but there were directed towards her mother. It was a chock that nothing had chanced when all this started again. The main thing for me is the safety too. I feel I am boring that way. I like to spend time at home, people and parties are ok, but they wear me totally out. I know what you mean when you say you can't breathe, it's hard for me too, I usually end up repeating the same old pattern I always have, when she is around. Her fury usually frozes me. My NADA has bipolarity too and last Christmas I realised that when she gets manic, I slow down, It is like I become this giant dinosaur who can't move fast enough for her LOL! it's funny in a way, when I realized it finally and the patterns and the fleas, whooh! this is a hard process, but it leads us to a better place for ourselves. I went through the slandering thing last spring, it was hard, only this time everyone else around her started to see too that there was something really wrong with her, so I decided that I am not going to let her slandering affect me anymore. Everyone who matters to me, knows who I am, and the things she says does not matter to them. So in a way this was too about me finding my faith in myself again. It is not easy and this propably is much easier for me because I have my brothers and dad who I can turn to. I understand the trouble you are having with this and there are no right answers to individual situations, stepping back and taking a look at these things from a distance has been helpful to me. Hang in there, things will get better! and we are here for you! Hugs BM > > It's such a process. I guess when I'm missing her, I'm thinking > about the times when I was her " good daughter " and so she was good to > me. Now I've become her " evil daughter " . I always knew how she > treated people she considered evil but honestly feel so naive that I > didn't realize she was BPD until I became the target. There were so > many things that happened in the past that I denied. Also my > feelings were so enmeshed with hers that I was really brainwashed and > in many instances not thinking for myself. It's so hard to figure it > all out sometimes because father didn't help, guess he was having > such a hard time dealing with her BPD and he felt like she turned my > brother and me against him, but he has issues too. Won't respect my > boundaries. No place is safe. Just want to feel safe. > So even though you don't miss her you know what your beliefs are, > that's more important than a connection with someone who's so > dysfunctional because if you can't respect yourself what is there? > Detaching is so hard for me. That's why I can't breathe > everythime she makes her little stinging remarks and slanders me > behind my back. > Having a place like this to come to helps a lot. Every time I > read one of these posts, I feel like I'm reading something I've been > through. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 7, 2004 Report Share Posted November 7, 2004 Hi Thanks much. It helps hearing from someone who's been through what you're going through. I once read somewhere that you should never take anything personal because when someone says or does something stupid it's all about them not about you. The " It's All About Me " thing rears it's ugly head again. This is so appropriate for people dealing with BPD. Just hard to do. My husband who is like a rock, (don't know what I would do without him) says to me, why can't you just let it go? Emotionally, he arrives in five seconds at place it takes me five months to get to. I know it's because he didn't grow up with the dysfunction. cntbreathe > HI! > > I've been a good daughter too, just the last eight years I think, and > that is for me too the hardest part of all this. We thought that > these problems in our FOO where because of my NADA and my dad did not > get along and where in good faith that things will get better after > their divorce. Nada had her downs during this time, but there were > directed towards her mother. It was a chock that nothing had chanced > when all this started again. > > The main thing for me is the safety too. I feel I am boring that way. > I like to spend time at home, people and parties are ok, but they > wear me totally out. > > I know what you mean when you say you can't breathe, it's hard for me > too, I usually end up repeating the same old pattern I always have, > when she is around. Her fury usually frozes me. My NADA has > bipolarity too and last Christmas I realised that when she gets > manic, I slow down, It is like I become this giant dinosaur who can't > move fast enough for her LOL! it's funny in a way, when I realized it > finally and the patterns and the fleas, whooh! this is a hard > process, but it leads us to a better place for ourselves. > > I went through the slandering thing last spring, it was hard, only > this time everyone else around her started to see too that there was > something really wrong with her, so I decided that I am not going to > let her slandering affect me anymore. Everyone who matters to me, > knows who I am, and the things she says does not matter to them. So > in a way this was too about me finding my faith in myself again. It > is not easy and this propably is much easier for me because I have my > brothers and dad who I can turn to. > > I understand the trouble you are having with this and there are no > right answers to individual situations, stepping back and taking a > look at these things from a distance has been helpful to me. > > Hang in there, things will get better! and we are here for you! > > Hugs BM > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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