Re: Making small steps in my parenting

[Guest guest]

Hi Di -

My sister and I talked all the time about how our nada would have

reacted if we did some of the things our children did. Thank goodness

our kids don't have to suffer that abuse!

My children did not have ADD, so I am wondering if you feel that you

have to stick with your punishment because of the ADD. Otherwise, I

would suggest that you explain to him that you have thought about

what happened and realize that the punishment was too severe for what

happened. He did help with the front yard, so maybe he can get some

credit for that? I always wanted to tell my kids if I made a mistake

with them, so that they would know it is okay to admit to a mistake

and then do something to correct it.

We will probably always feel bad if we take something away. However,

it is necessary at times. I hope you don't think I am sending mixed

messages here. I agree that children should be disciplined when

needed, and that the discipline should be appropriate to the

situation. Therefore, if you think it was too harsh, just making a

suggestion on how to change it.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> Sorry all...just have to complain a little.

>

> We were outside doing Fall yardwork before the snow flies. Our son

> is moving as slow as possible. He has ADD. Needing lots of verbal

> cues to keep on task. Finally we are to a point in the front yard

> were he is done with his part. So husband and I send him to the

> backyard to pick up doggy piles so that we can get back there and

> rake. Son goes back- we holler every few minutes " how's it going

> back there? " to keep him on task. He answers that all is fine. You

> need to know that it is a very small yard- mostly taken up by a

> swimming pool.

>

> When husband and I get to the backyard, 30 minutes later, we find

> that son has just been standing in the yard doing NOTHING the

entire

> time. He says he doesn't want to pick up poops- he hates it. Wow, I

> almost lost it right there. All I can think of is how I would have

> had the holy c*%p beat out of me at this point when I was a child.

I

> had warned him that if he didn't help with the family work today

> that he would lose priveledges, so I took away Sunday morning

> cartoons for the next 4 weeks. Later, I thought that was too harsh,

> but I can't go back and change my mind. The poor guy had tears then

> the whole time he picked up poops. I said that we all have to do

> things that we don't enjoy, blah, blah, blah.

>

> Now I have this horrible feeling that he will always have a rotten

> memory of picking up poops in the cold, and hate me for it. This

> parenting is SO tough sometimes. He has it easy. My Nada would have

> gotten the metal pancake spatula to my hind end had I pulled the

> same thing.

>

> So. I feel good that I didn't explode on him like my parents used

> too, but then I feel bad that I took something away. Ick!

>

> Thanks for listening.

> Di.

[Guest guest]

Di,

From what I hear - you're behavior with your son sounds fine. You

said he has ADD and needs a lot of verbal cues. Knowing this you

hollered every few minutes to see if he was on task - and received an

affirmative. So you did your part in trying to help your son be

successful at his task. You told him the consequence - and he made a

choice - kids do that. Even though he was upset - he knows you will

follow through - and that is a very important lesson for kids to

learn - it shows consistancy - another important things for kids. Of

course he was sad - but perhaps you showed him the importance of

making choices. I heard something recently about helping kids make

choices - someone was talking about a book called " Parenting with

dignity " - never read it - so don't know if it's good. But the

author says that when a child reaches 18 - he will be making 100% of

his own choices - so our job is to teach them to make good choices.

We won't be with them when they make the tough choices of drinking,

sex, etc. - but hopefully the lessons we taught them about making

choices will stick with them. And what a blessing it is for children

to be able to make mistakes without being beaten or raged at - just a

normal consequence for behavior.

Of course, if you really feel you were too harsh (sounds reasonable)-

and only you know because you are there all the time - you could

change the punishment - but in my honest opinion there should be some

consequence. I find that occassionally I apologize to my daughter -

more for tone of voice than content. Saying - mommy was upset and

shouldn't have used that tone - I'm very sorry - but I meant what I

said and then go over the point again in a calm way.

Parents aren't perfect ;o) but most of us can learn by mistakes.

Ours and our nada's.

On a lighter note - I have to say you made me chuckle with this line -

> Now I have this horrible feeling that he will always have a rotten

> memory of picking up poops in the cold

Can that be a good memory?? Sorry - just struck me as something that

wouldn't have been a great memory anyway - I always hated that job

too ;o)

Take care and don't be too hard on yourself,

Kath

[Guest guest]

Hi Di,

It' really is so hard sometimes and especially for us KO, I know a

lot of times I have to stop and think and not react because I would

react just lke Nada if I was going to react. My husband can never

understand why I get so upset when something spills but my nada used

to go nuts if something spilled in the house and the anxiety I have

to hold back. It's not important. It's just milk or in this case

it's just poop and nothing is more importnat than that little fella,

right?

I have an 11 year old, many times I admit to her that mommies not

perfect and I made a mistake. I modify punishments, mostly we talk it

out. (Don't know how old your son is and I know with ADD this may

present more challenges.) It was tough when she was little but I

think she's grown into a pretty terrific 11 year old and I think it

was good for her to know that I don't think I'm always right or

perfect like Nada. I think it made her respect me and come to me for

advice if she needs it. So many times I find I've really needed to

learn to listen to her because I would hear what she was saying but

wasn't really listening not only to the words but thier actions

especially if they're little and the communication is not there.

Sorry to go on and on, it's just sometimes I learned more about how

to parent by listening to her than the Nada baggage in my head. I

hope that makes some sense.

cntbreathe

>

> Sorry all...just have to complain a little.

>

> We were outside doing Fall yardwork before the snow flies. Our son

> is moving as slow as possible. He has ADD. Needing lots of verbal

> cues to keep on task. Finally we are to a point in the front yard

> were he is done with his part. So husband and I send him to the

> backyard to pick up doggy piles so that we can get back there and

> rake. Son goes back- we holler every few minutes " how's it going

> back there? " to keep him on task. He answers that all is fine. You

> need to know that it is a very small yard- mostly taken up by a

> swimming pool.

>

> When husband and I get to the backyard, 30 minutes later, we find

> that son has just been standing in the yard doing NOTHING the

entire

> time. He says he doesn't want to pick up poops- he hates it. Wow, I

> almost lost it right there. All I can think of is how I would have

> had the holy c*%p beat out of me at this point when I was a child.

I

> had warned him that if he didn't help with the family work today

> that he would lose priveledges, so I took away Sunday morning

> cartoons for the next 4 weeks. Later, I thought that was too harsh,

> but I can't go back and change my mind. The poor guy had tears then

> the whole time he picked up poops. I said that we all have to do

> things that we don't enjoy, blah, blah, blah.

>

> Now I have this horrible feeling that he will always have a rotten

> memory of picking up poops in the cold, and hate me for it. This

> parenting is SO tough sometimes. He has it easy. My Nada would have

> gotten the metal pancake spatula to my hind end had I pulled the

> same thing.

>

> So. I feel good that I didn't explode on him like my parents used

> too, but then I feel bad that I took something away. Ick!

>

> Thanks for listening.

> Di.

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your kind words, Kath. That book sounds interesting. I am

reading, or trying to get the time to read, the Love & Logic books.

Some of those Love & Logic tips have helped me along this journey

too.

That was funny what I wrote- it wasn't until you pointed that out,

who ever does have fond memories of picking up poops? LOL. That

helped me laugh about it too.

Here's an evening follow up to today's parenting issue:

Son pouted much of the afternoon. After dinner he had to help with

the dishes and missed seeing part of an " important " football game.

The continuing lesson- that if we had finished our yardwork earlier,

we might have seen part of the game. So- I say the old " love and

logic " thing- I am sorry you made the choice to not get your work

done. Yes, it is a bummer that you missed the game. Son starts to

tear up and says " I wish I had never been born, then I wouldn't be

mad at myself and then I wouldn't have to miss the game. "

Later- we all sit down to watch " It's A Wonderful Life " . I thought

it would help get us into the holiday spirit to sign our xmas cards

tomorrow. Well, it has been a few years since I watched that movie.

I forgot that gets all mopey and says, " I wish I had never

been born. " Then Clarence, the angel, shows him what life would have

been like if he had never been born. What a great lesson that was

for my son. Kind of put the whole thing in perspective for a 10 year

old.

It also helped give me a nudge and remind me that life will be

wonderful now that I have set up some boundaries and that I will

have fun making new memories for my family, without Nada here to

wreak havoc!

Di.