Re: Overcoming Learned Helplessness

[Guest guest]

> Wow, Sylvia! Congratulations on being able to recognize your

emotions

> and to deal with them! You deserve a major prize for voicing your

> concerns! I hope you find some way to reward yourself for this

breakthrough!

>

> I have similar problems with voicing concerns, though I think with

me

> it's for different reasons. I'm terrified that I'll get yelled at,

that

> it will be perceived as my fault there's a problem, .......

> Ping

*****I also have these fears, but I have been aware of them, and have

been working on this for YEARS! The fear of being yelled at is

possibly the most deep seated. It appears to be at the core of my

emotional responses to almost everything. I still am not at that

place with my inner child to re-experience the cause of this. It is

pretty scary to me, even as an adult. All I can relate it to right

now is remembering when I would wait in silence, when I awoke in the

morning, to listen to what my nada was saying, and try to judge how

safe it was to come out of my room.

Sylvia

>

[Guest guest]

Dan,

I admire how hard you have worked to overcome your nada upbringing

and to deal with you BIID. Seeing yourself as loveable as an amputee

makes me think of just wanting to be loved as you are - with human

imperfections, but with nada, that wasn't possible. So maybe the

desire to be an amputee has a little of the acknowledgement that you

aren't perfect. I am suggesting a connection here, but realize that

this is an extremely complicated issue.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> Sylvia, this learned helpless issue is central to my problems. I

> truly feel helpless in certain areas, especially dealing with

people

> in authority.

>

> > Nada loved people who were helpless.

>

> Absolutely. And she did not love anyone who was not helpless.

This

> is a direct cause of BIID (Body Integrity Identity Disorder). I

> have never been able to see myself as lovable except when I

> fantasize being an amputee.

>

> I am not helpless in the physical world. I can drive a motorcycle,

> hike in the mountains, or fly an airplane and feel good about

> myself. I can handle an emergency and stay cool. In these

> situations I am not concerned about what people think of me, so I

am

> OK.

>

> Nada, by contrast, is completely helpless in the physical world.

> Also in the social world, except when she can maintain total

control

> of a situation.

>

> Whenever someone puts me in a helpless situation I am completely

> beside myself. Your work situation, not being able to get the

> information needed to do the job - my previous boss did that. He

> found I couldn't stand it so he deliberately withheld information

> that I needed to do the job. It made him feel powerful, I

suppose.

> Whenever I asked for what I needed to get the job done, he was

> verbally abusive and he lied to his boss so I couldn't find any

> support there. I suffered a pretty bad breakdown. After I went

> back to work I was able to document some of his lies to his boss,

> and I was able to get a transfer.

>

> When people put me in a helpless situation, I just lose all

> motivation. The project I am on now has lost about 6 months,

simply

> because people won't sign documents that need to be approved - nor

> will they give a reason not to sign it. I can't make them do it,

> and I haven't the foggiest idea how to motivate them. They are not

> in my boss's chain of command so he can't make them do it either.

> So, my morale is very low. As long as the company is willing to

pay

> me for doing very little, I can live with it, but if I could afford

> it I would retire.

>

> - Dan

[Guest guest]

> makes me think of just wanting to be loved as you are - with human

> imperfections, but with nada, that wasn't possible.

Sylvia, unfortunately, that is a problem with my wife too - inability

to accept human imperfections. I think this has played a big part in

driving the BIID out of control.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Hi!

(I am back again, got a sickleave - the stress of everything about

what has happened this year has just been too much. Thank God I have

time to process things again.)

Your post rang a bell with me, it's great how you were able to handle

the situation Sylvia!

I am in a place where it is not easy to recognice feelings or

behavior, so it really helps to read about stuff that you guys have

gone thrue. My problems with learned helplessness has been more about

the household-stuff, sometimes I am able to keep up with my chores and

sometimes not. I am learning though.

I was always told to be hopeless with any chores I had when I was a

kid, so no wonder. My nadas expectations were mixed, some of stuff was

better to be helpless about and some not. I still can't make much

sense out of in what I should have been helpless in and not...huh!

Pardon my english again! some things are more hard to express.

BM

Nada loved people who were

> helpless. It made her feel better if she could rescue people, or if

> she was more capable than them. Therefore, to get love from nada,

> when I was a child, I had to be helpless in some way. Also, I was

> punished through affection being taken away if I showed myself to be

> competent or to go against what nada wanted in any way.

>

>

> Sylvia