Re: Undiagnosed mom...now what?

[Guest guest]

Dear Weary - would your Mom be at all open to counseling? Then the

counselor could address the problems, rather than you having to delve

into the specifics of BPD w/ her. If she's like my Nada, she won't

be interested in counseling (Nada is sure the problem's aren't

hers). Do you have siblings, and are they willing to help? It'll be

best for you if this all doesn't fall on your shoulders. Phili

>

> Hello All,

>

> I am the 31 year-old daughter of an undiagnosed BPD mom. I have been

> researching BPD for the past year or so, and it has been somewhat of

> a relief after all of these years to finally have some clarity when

> it comes to her behavior. When I read descriptions of BPD

> behaviors, it's often like someone was describing her

> specifically...history of tumultuous relationships (including ours,

> and pretty much everyone in her life), drug use, compulsive

spending,

> abandonment and trust issues, etc. Now what I need to do is figure

> out how to go on from here. I'd love to see her get help, but I

doubt

> that will ever happen. As of right now, she's in her 50's,

> unemployed, living with her 24-year-old husband who she's planning

to

> divorce " as soon as she can get a place of her own. " Meanwhile,

she's

> shopping on Ebay, decorating their home, and checking out Yahoo

> personals. Wow. As I type it, I see how it sounds even crazier when

> summarized (and that's just a portion of what's going on in her life

> right now)! Her behavior has torn our family apart many times over,

> but we are all committed to being a family, just the same. How do

you

> try to keep a healthy, loving extended family going when there's a

> big, green monster sitting at the table, daring you to challenge

its

> bad choices, and getting offended by nothing on a regular basis?

It's

> SO HARD to have a " normal " relationship with her. Have any of you

in

> similar situations told your loved one about BPD? How have you

> approached it? I'm afraid she'll withdraw completely if I imply she

> has a problem of any kind; she'll see it as such a betrayal, and

> it'll be further proof to her that everyone is against her and we

all

> think " she's the only person in this family who ever does anything

> wrong. "

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I'm in a similar but only I'm keeping away from my nada. As far as

if we were to get thrown together again. I would try to avoid the

subject and suggest she get help from a counselor. (she did before

the doctor/counselor moved) Mine would get probably get really

upset and probably say that I have BPD instead of her and how

horrible it is her daughter doesn't accept she's not just plain

depressed

> I'd love to see her get help, but I doubt

> that will ever happen.

You're not the only one who feels that way, in my case it's more in

terms of proper help. I've heard of that DBT treatment I don't

think mine has ever had that. THe only help I think she's really

interested in is how many antidepressents she can pile on top of

eachother and how depressed she is and how the world must feel bad

for her!

> Her behavior has torn our family apart many times over,

> but we are all committed to being a family, just the same. How do

you

> try to keep a healthy, loving extended family going when there's a

> big, green monster sitting at the table, daring you to challenge

its

> bad choices, and getting offended by nothing on a regular basis?

Mine too, I dont' know any of my relatives on her side of the family

and I'm so lucky my dad and his sister got back together. I've

talked to them about it, they know and we've agreed no matter what

she does we'll stick together. You know we double check stories

and use our heads and not believe what she says when she either

write my aunt about me or tells me crazy stories. Not sure how your

family has been damaged, but mine hates her pretty bad, I mean terms

like " Jabba Jeanne " , " Auntie Piehole " and " Troll get back under the

bridge the billy goats miss you " are not terms of loving enderment

they are my cousins nicknames for her.

>It's

> SO HARD to have a " normal " relationship with her.

I'm really not sure it's possible at all to have a normal

relationship with these people. Not just hard it may not be

possible in some cases because they see the world differently than

everyone else.

Hugs

Marie

[Guest guest]

Hello, weary daughter,

Your name says it all. Here are some suggestions - keep on learning

as much as you can about BPD. Decide what you will and will not

accept from you mother, learn how to set your boundaries, and then

set those boundaries. Don't try to fix or change anything except for

yourself. Also, don't get caught up in the guilt of not being a good

daughter because you are taking care of your own needs.

I tried talking to my nada ('not a mother') about a year ago, after I

could no longer spend any time with her because of how upset I would

get when I was just in her presence. She told me she didn't have a

problem with anger - even though we were discussing the reasons for

her last rage! She took back her offer to see a counselor with me,

and basically said that it was my problem because I was choosing to

remember just the bad things in my life.

I don't think you can have a 'normal' relationship with someone who

doesn't want to take responsibility for what they do.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> Hello All,

>

> I am the 31 year-old daughter of an undiagnosed BPD mom. I have been

> researching BPD for the past year or so, and it has been somewhat of

> a relief after all of these years to finally have some clarity when

> it comes to her behavior. When I read descriptions of BPD

> behaviors, it's often like someone was describing her

> specifically...history of tumultuous relationships (including ours,

> and pretty much everyone in her life), drug use, compulsive

spending,

> abandonment and trust issues, etc. Now what I need to do is figure

> out how to go on from here. I'd love to see her get help, but I

doubt

> that will ever happen. As of right now, she's in her 50's,

> unemployed, living with her 24-year-old husband who she's planning

to

> divorce " as soon as she can get a place of her own. " Meanwhile,

she's

> shopping on Ebay, decorating their home, and checking out Yahoo

> personals. Wow. As I type it, I see how it sounds even crazier when

> summarized (and that's just a portion of what's going on in her life

> right now)! Her behavior has torn our family apart many times over,

> but we are all committed to being a family, just the same. How do

you

> try to keep a healthy, loving extended family going when there's a

> big, green monster sitting at the table, daring you to challenge

its

> bad choices, and getting offended by nothing on a regular basis?

It's

> SO HARD to have a " normal " relationship with her. Have any of you

in

> similar situations told your loved one about BPD? How have you

> approached it? I'm afraid she'll withdraw completely if I imply she

> has a problem of any kind; she'll see it as such a betrayal, and

> it'll be further proof to her that everyone is against her and we

all

> think " she's the only person in this family who ever does anything

> wrong. "

[Guest guest]

Wow...since I've been reading these postings and learning more about

BPD, it's both relieving and upsetting at the same time. Relieving to

know that there's a " reason " she acts the way she does, and upsetting

because I doubt she'll ever get help (since she doesn't have a steady

job she doesn't have insurance and she probably wouldn't anyway), and

because I'm finally giving up hope of ever having a loving, nurturing

mother, after all of these years. I had a very traumatic miscarriage

with an emergency D & C last year, and she called me the day after to

accuse me of telling my cousin (her niece) " her business. " To this

day she can't understand why that was unacceptable. More recently,

she has been " deeply hurt " by my refusal to let her come and stay

with us in the days preceding my son's birth in June. As most of you

can probably understand, I couldn't tolerate having her here for an

unspecified number of days to wait for labor to start. She lives two

hours away, but was repeatedly asking why she couldn't just come to

wait with me. Every time I talked to her, and told her we had no idea

when he was coming, she stressed me out more and more. She still

hasn't forgiven me for this, and says she obviously doesn't matter to

me (even though she made it here several hours before he was born and

was present with my husband and me as he entered the world). For her,

this beautiful day is forever tainted by me not letting her have her

way. It never EVER occurs to her that I was the one having the baby,

and that she might want to do what made me feel the most comfortable.

Sigh. That's why I'm " Weary Daughter. " Like all of you, the stories

go back through my entire life.

> >

> > Hello All,

> >

> > I am the 31 year-old daughter of an undiagnosed BPD mom. I have

been

> > researching BPD for the past year or so, and it has been somewhat

of

> > a relief after all of these years to finally have some clarity

when

> > it comes to her behavior. When I read descriptions of BPD

> > behaviors, it's often like someone was describing her

> > specifically...history of tumultuous relationships (including

ours,

> > and pretty much everyone in her life), drug use, compulsive

> spending,

> > abandonment and trust issues, etc. Now what I need to do is figure

> > out how to go on from here. I'd love to see her get help, but I

> doubt

> > that will ever happen. As of right now, she's in her 50's,

> > unemployed, living with her 24-year-old husband who she's

planning

> to

> > divorce " as soon as she can get a place of her own. " Meanwhile,

> she's

> > shopping on Ebay, decorating their home, and checking out Yahoo

> > personals. Wow. As I type it, I see how it sounds even crazier

when

> > summarized (and that's just a portion of what's going on in her

life

> > right now)! Her behavior has torn our family apart many times

over,

> > but we are all committed to being a family, just the same. How do

> you

> > try to keep a healthy, loving extended family going when there's a

> > big, green monster sitting at the table, daring you to challenge

> its

> > bad choices, and getting offended by nothing on a regular basis?

> It's

> > SO HARD to have a " normal " relationship with her. Have any of you

> in

> > similar situations told your loved one about BPD? How have you

> > approached it? I'm afraid she'll withdraw completely if I imply

she

> > has a problem of any kind; she'll see it as such a betrayal, and

> > it'll be further proof to her that everyone is against her and we

> all

> > think " she's the only person in this family who ever does

anything

> > wrong. "