Guest guest Posted June 21, 2004 Report Share Posted June 21, 2004 Hello everyone, I am having problems with my mother-in-law's reaction to the news that I am severely depressed. She very kindly came to give me moral support when my insurance company sent someone out last week to see if I was faking my back pain. The woman asked to see my medications and I was forced to admit that I didn't know where they were - because my husband has hidden them at my request so I won't be tempted to commit suicide with them. My mother-in-law has been calling me almost every day since but she seems almost incapable of talking to me. I chatter away nervously and get only disapproving silence as a reply. I feel like I have mortified her with embarassment at my shameful confession! Right now I'm so unhappy that I'm past caring what anybody thinks - but it's awkward knowing how to talk to her. And it bugs me that she's reacted this way. What a rotten way of dealing with a depressed person! Does anybody else have this problem? Di in Vancouver, B.C., Canada Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2004 Report Share Posted June 22, 2004 Hi Di, I don't have the problem you are having...but I wanted to comment on what you were saying. I am very sorry your MIL is treating you so badly. It is not your fault you have depression...anymore than if you had the flu or pneumonia. How about printing out some info on the Internet and give it to her to read? Maybe she just doesn't understand enough about it. Did you have a good relationship with her before? Has your husband tried talking with her about your depression? Just some thoughts I had...I hope things get better. Take care, Kay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2004 Report Share Posted June 22, 2004 Hi Di I am so glad you have a MIL who cares about you. It is so hard to deal with the anger and depression that are a part of chronic pain. It is also hard for our loved ones to know what to say or do for us. Your husband and MIL are terrified that they will lose you. They feel powerless to help you. It is okay to ask your MIL to help with the laundry or some task she can do for you. This will give her something to do. She will do it HER way but who cares? It is okay to tell them exactly how you feel. You are not being weak or a failure. You are not being a cry baby. You are not worthless and nonproductive because you do not have a career nor bring a paycheck home. You family loves you not what you do. It took me a long time to work this out and I believe you can work it out also. I do not believe you would love your husband any less if this had happened to him instead of you. Somehow, someway you will have to give up or modify the previous life plan and dreams you had. This doesn't mean your life is over though and it is okay to grieve but we just cannot drown in our grief forever. It was hard to let go of the anger I had also. I had finally found someone worth spending my life with and we had all kinds of adventures planned. I had the knees replaced so we could pursue those plans etc. BUT life has a way of throwing us surprises. Life isn't fair and it never will be. We have to adapt. I recall from your posts that your depression has gone on for a long time now. Have you considered going into the hospital for in house treatment? No I am not saying you are weak or crazy. I have been in a mental health unit several times because I have bipolar disorder. I attempted suicide twice and it was devastating for my family. My children have never fully recovered from it even though I have been stable for many years now. The depression caused by chronic pain becomes a family mental health problem and must be addressed that way. If you cannot find a way to do it for yourself find a way to do it for the ones who love you. You can do this Di and we are all pulling for you. Your friend Kaylene >Right now I'm so unhappy that I'm past caring what anybody thinks - >but it's awkward knowing how to talk to her. And it bugs me that >she's reacted this way. What a rotten way of dealing with a depressed >person! > >Does anybody else have this problem? >Di >in Vancouver, B.C., Canada > > > > _________________________________________________________________ Get fast, reliable Internet access with MSN 9 Dial-up – now 3 months FREE! http://join.msn.click-url.com/go/onm00200361ave/direct/01/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2004 Report Share Posted June 22, 2004 Hi Di - I'm glad you've taken the step to have your husband hide your meds from you. I've been worried about you! I hope you're seeing some relief from antidepressants or counseling these days. As for your MIL, she must care deeply about you to call every day to check on you. Keep in mind that she may not be " disapproving " when she's silent - she may simply not know *how* to talk to you and be afraid of saying something wrong! I'll make two suggestions for improving communications with her - see if either (or both!) of these works for you. First, do what I do with my students in class when I want them to talk - shut up! <GG> Ask her a question - something innocuous, like what her plans are for the weekend, what new recipes she's tried out lately that she liked, what she's heard from so-and-so-relative lately (something without a " yes or no " answer) - and then be quiet and let her talk. If she's silent, wait her out. People become uncomfortable with silence and will eventually try to fill it. You just have to be the one willing to wait the longest. I amuse myself during the wait by counting how long it takes for someone in the classroom to get nervous and speak up. If it works with college students, it ought to work with mothers-in-law. <smile> Second, *tell* her that her silences make you uncomfortable and tell her what you'd like her to say instead to fill those silences. Tell her that you'd really like her to distract you with chatter about her day or the latest movies or gossip about the neighbors, or whatever it is you two used to talk about before you were hurt. There are lots of good articles out there on line about how to talk to people who are ill - maybe print out one of those and give it to her. Just let her know what would help you - until she hears it from you, she won't know how to do anything better. And make sure you let her know that you really appreciate her care and her daily calls. She's trying, Di. We just have to educate the people around us, even those who love us, about how to best deal with our new realities, and not expect them to be instant experts at the process of emotionally supporting a chronically ill and clinically depressed person. Hugs and prayers and good wishes.... Cheryl in AZ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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