Guest guest Posted November 19, 2004 Report Share Posted November 19, 2004 It's funny, but if I think about what the most difficult experiences of my life with work has been an inconsistent boss - if you give an employee advice about how to do a job, and the next day change the advice to be the opposite, what is going to happen?! you get of track - you can't trust the boss - you doubt about yourself etc. etc., so it must be true with the kids. If someone calls you names, tells you you are stupid, hits you on the head, you propably at least get angry, and you are able to blame the other person of doing a wrong thing. So much simpler! althought I am not sure these things would not be equally damaging. Interesting thought! BM > > Hi > Don't know why this popped into my head this morning but just wanted > to share it with you. I had this psych prof say something in a class > I took 7-8 years ago and it has always stuck with me. He said one of > the most damaging things you can do to a child is be inconsistent. > Children need stability and consistency. So if your an abusive > parent sometimes, rather than all the time it's more confusing to a > child because they don't know what to expect. He made it sound like > the inconsistency of the abuse was more damaging than the actual > abuse. I don't know the splitting came into mind. > cntbreathe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 19, 2004 Report Share Posted November 19, 2004 Inconsistency puts the child of a BP on a partial reinforcement schedule - like the ones that keep ppl glued to the slot machines in Las Vegas. We KOs were never sure whether what we did was going to be viewed as good or bad. We weren't rewarded for doing the right thing. We were split all good if we did it nada's way. It was like she was the cult leader and nada's way was the only right way. Plus there were no boundaries so if someone told us to jump we never knew how high. And, we KOs even did nada's job for her in that we learned to beat ourselves up. - Edith cntbreathe wrote: > Hi > Don't know why this popped into my head this morning but just wanted > to share it with you. I had this psych prof say something in a class > I took 7-8 years ago and it has always stuck with me. He said one of > the most damaging things you can do to a child is be inconsistent. > Children need stability and consistency. So if your an abusive > parent sometimes, rather than all the time it's more confusing to a > child because they don't know what to expect. He made it sound like > the inconsistency of the abuse was more damaging than the actual > abuse. I don't know the splitting came into mind. > cntbreathe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 28, 2004 Report Share Posted November 28, 2004 Also, inconsistent responses create compulsiveness and learned helplessness. One of the early animal studies involved rodents of some sort that pressed a lever to obtain food. Initially, they learn that their action results in the reward. If the dispensing of food in response to the rodent pressing the lever, the rodent gets obsessed and anxious. It's the slot machine. The learned helplessnes involves punishment: The rodent gets shocked no matter what it does, so it eventually loses hope and just lays down to exist in hopelessness. Sound familiar? The plot thickens when you throw nada in there with her finger on the shock button. There is an interesting trust dynamic that comes into play, but I imagine that (my nada, at least) would not be consistent in her shocking pattern. The only right thing is determined by nada. But the rub comes fast when you are inevitably unable to keep up with nada's ever changing standard. Sometimes it changes to make you the blame bucket. Sometimes, it seems to have no precipitating factor that you're aware of... I remember telling my first counselor that I never knew what color the sky would be that day. Sometimes Mom praised me for saying it was blue. Other days, I was humiliated or punished because I was too stupid to realize that it had always been green. Tomorrow it might be blue again, but it could be some shade of orange. Sometimes you could read the cues of what color the sky would be that day. Often, you didn't have a clue. K > > > Hi > > Don't know why this popped into my head this morning but just wanted > > to share it with you. I had this psych prof say something in a class > > I took 7-8 years ago and it has always stuck with me. He said one of > > the most damaging things you can do to a child is be inconsistent. > > Children need stability and consistency. So if your an abusive > > parent sometimes, rather than all the time it's more confusing to a > > child because they don't know what to expect. He made it sound like > > the inconsistency of the abuse was more damaging than the actual > > abuse. I don't know the splitting came into mind. > > cntbreathe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 28, 2004 Report Share Posted November 28, 2004 I was just thinking about this topic a few hours ago. If nada had been mean and negative ALL the time, it might not have been so traumatic for me. But I saw her being sickly, sugar sweet to my split good sister, and every tiny once in awhile I would get that same sugar-sweet treatment myself. That made all the difference, because I grew up knowing there WAS sweet treatment out there, but that I didn't deserve it somehow. Now I cannot handle negative people and I avoid them completely--even though many negative or grouchy people might not be crazy or malicious! > > > > > Hi > > > Don't know why this popped into my head this morning but just > wanted > > > to share it with you. I had this psych prof say something in a > class > > > I took 7-8 years ago and it has always stuck with me. He said > one of > > > the most damaging things you can do to a child is be > inconsistent. > > > Children need stability and consistency. So if your an abusive > > > parent sometimes, rather than all the time it's more confusing > to a > > > child because they don't know what to expect. He made it sound > like > > > the inconsistency of the abuse was more damaging than the actual > > > abuse. I don't know the splitting came into mind. > > > cntbreathe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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