Guest guest Posted November 19, 2004 Report Share Posted November 19, 2004 Hi Onto, I'm glad you are feeling comfortable enough now to post to our list. You've sure had more than your share of stuff on your plate. <shaking my head> For the technical stuff re posting from the Digest, its simply a matter of <pressing> the " Reply " button and then trimming off (ie, shade/delete) everything above and below the part of the Digest you wish to respond to. And then put the proper header in the Subject Line. You can practice by sending stuff to yourself and pretty soon you'll be an expert like the rest of us KOs. But its OK here if you're not purfekt. *wink* Cheers, - Edith List Manager / WelcomeToOz Family of NonBP Email Support Groups ontothriving wrote: > Hi Everyone - I'm still trying to figure out how to insert my responses - hopefully I get this right...anyway, here goes.I joined this list several months ago, and at first I think I kind of overdosed on all my wicked nada memories. I was (and still am) amazed at how much we all have in common, and how similar our triumphs and tragedies have been. As I read some posts, I remembered things long forgotten. > > For years I didn't really feel much as far as my " growing up " years went. It was crappy, but I figured I'd handled it all - no big deal I liked to say. > > But crappy doesn't quite work. Watching my family disintigrate was like watching a train wreck. You could see it coming, you knew the results would be catastrophic, but you couldn't stop it. > > I'm 47 years old and have only been able to really face all the losses, all the pain, and all the grief in the past few years. I feel like my mind is the container for a huge pile of toxic waste, and I have no place to dump it. And it's burning up my brain... > > My mother had four children - and I'm the only one still living. Both my parents are dead as well. My mother finally died earlier this year - the end of her torment and mine - and since that time I've been in full blown anger and resentment mode. She destroyed everything in her path, all the while feeling she was the victim, she was the one the world was so cruel to. > > One of my sisters had undiagnosed and untreated BPD (I'm fairly certain, since she first started talking about suicide when she was 5, among other things). At the age of 31, she took her life, and that of her two children, aged 4 and 7. And the 2 family dogs. Locked them all in a bedroom, threw gasoline around the room, and lit a match. She didn't have a drop of alcohol or drugs in her system. > > My other sister died in a car accident. She'd never known a moment's peace - she was cutting herself, drinking, had panic disorder, an eating disorder. Totally messed up. > > And my brother - God please him - he was born with spina bifada, so never had to live with us. We envied him, because he was loved and supported where he was. Hated by my parents, who pretty much disowned him, but he had a happy life. The day he suffered a fatal brain aneruysm was a very sad one for me. > > Through all this, I was the all bad child - had that role my entire life, which meant as the others died, my mother ended up being stuck with the one she never wanted. And for those doctors who say that BDP's mellow with age, I say - not always!! My mother continued her vicious assaults, manipulations and demented thoughts till the day she died. > > My doctor tells me that as painful as it is for me to feel all this, it's the only way for me to truly start to heal. I don't think I'll ever " get over it " , but my goal is to live with it. Be able to think of things without the gut wrenching emotion. > > I'm so glad this board exists - I can write my truth, and not worry if others believe me, the way it is in " real life " . I even have aunts who think my mother was " one grand lady " OMG!! Of course, to them, she was never anything but sweet. In fact, they liked to visit because she'd always give them things - often things she'd promised me. I'd find out months later what happened to things, and she'd say " oh you didn't really want that old thing, did you? " I'm talking about family heirlooms, things of my sisters - there was just no end to the cruelty she revelled in. In the end, I am glad she is dead. I have definitely started to relax for the first time ever. I have to believe that soon my pain will start to subside. What a life it's been. > > Thanks to all for listening - you're helping me too, with all that you share. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 19, 2004 Report Share Posted November 19, 2004 Hi ontothriving - its great to hear from you! You have suffered a great deal. It is now time to take careof yourself and give yourself the life you deserve. I am very sorry for your losses. Please keep on posting. I was also the bad child. I learned eventually that wasn't a 'bad' thing (no pun intended.) As the bad child, I had a little more opportunity to be myself. My sister was the good child. She is still suffering because of that. Hope to hear more from you, Sylvia >> > Hi Everyone - I'm still trying to figure out how to insert my responses - hopefully I get this right...anyway, here goes.I joined this list several months ago, and at first I think I kind of overdosed on all my wicked nada memories. I was (and still am) amazed at how much we all have in common, and how similar our triumphs and tragedies have been. As I read some posts, I remembered things long forgotten. > > For years I didn't really feel much as far as my " growing up " years went. It was crappy, but I figured I'd handled it all - no big deal I liked to say. > > But crappy doesn't quite work. Watching my family disintigrate was like watching a train wreck. You could see it coming, you knew the results would be catastrophic, but you couldn't stop it. > > I'm 47 years old and have only been able to really face all the losses, all the pain, and all the grief in the past few years. I feel like my mind is the container for a huge pile of toxic waste, and I have no place to dump it. And it's burning up my brain... > > My mother had four children - and I'm the only one still living. Both my parents are dead as well. My mother finally died earlier this year - the end of her torment and mine - and since that time I've been in full blown anger and resentment mode. She destroyed everything in her path, all the while feeling she was the victim, she was the one the world was so cruel to. > > One of my sisters had undiagnosed and untreated BPD (I'm fairly certain, since she first started talking about suicide when she was 5, among other things). At the age of 31, she took her life, and that of her two children, aged 4 and 7. And the 2 family dogs. Locked them all in a bedroom, threw gasoline around the room, and lit a match. She didn't have a drop of alcohol or drugs in her system. > > My other sister died in a car accident. She'd never known a moment's peace - she was cutting herself, drinking, had panic disorder, an eating disorder. Totally messed up. > > And my brother - God please him - he was born with spina bifada, so never had to live with us. We envied him, because he was loved and supported where he was. Hated by my parents, who pretty much disowned him, but he had a happy life. The day he suffered a fatal brain aneruysm was a very sad one for me. > > Through all this, I was the all bad child - had that role my entire life, which meant as the others died, my mother ended up being stuck with the one she never wanted. And for those doctors who say that BDP's mellow with age, I say - not always!! My mother continued her vicious assaults, manipulations and demented thoughts till the day she died. > > My doctor tells me that as painful as it is for me to feel all this, it's the only way for me to truly start to heal. I don't think I'll ever " get over it " , but my goal is to live with it. Be able to think of things without the gut wrenching emotion. > > I'm so glad this board exists - I can write my truth, and not worry if others believe me, the way it is in " real life " . I even have aunts who think my mother was " one grand lady " OMG!! Of course, to them, she was never anything but sweet. In fact, they liked to visit because she'd always give them things - often things she'd promised me. I'd find out months later what happened to things, and she'd say " oh you didn't really want that old thing, did you? " I'm talking about family heirlooms, things of my sisters - there was just no end to the cruelty she revelled in. In the end, I am glad she is dead. I have definitely started to relax for the first time ever. I have to believe that soon my pain will start to subside. What a life it's been. > > Thanks to all for listening - you're helping me too, with all that you share. > > > > ] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 19, 2004 Report Share Posted November 19, 2004 > >> > > Hi Everyone - I'm still trying to figure out how to insert my > responses - hopefully I get this right...anyway, here goes.I joined > this list several months ago, and at first I think I kind of > overdosed on all my wicked nada memories. I was (and still am) amazed > at how much we all have in common, and how similar our triumphs and > tragedies have been. As I read some posts, I remembered things long > forgotten. > > > > For years I didn't really feel much as far as my " growing up " years > went. It was crappy, but I figured I'd handled it all - no big deal I > liked to say. > > > > But crappy doesn't quite work. Watching my family disintigrate was > like watching a train wreck. You could see it coming, you knew the > results would be catastrophic, but you couldn't stop it. > > > > I'm 47 years old and have only been able to really face all the > losses, all the pain, and all the grief in the past few years. I feel > like my mind is the container for a huge pile of toxic waste, and I > have no place to dump it. And it's burning up my brain... > > > > My mother had four children - and I'm the only one still living. > Both my parents are dead as well. My mother finally died earlier this > year - the end of her torment and mine - and since that time I've > been in full blown anger and resentment mode. She destroyed > everything in her path, all the while feeling she was the victim, she > was the one the world was so cruel to. > > > > One of my sisters had undiagnosed and untreated BPD (I'm fairly > certain, since she first started talking about suicide when she was > 5, among other things). At the age of 31, she took her life, and that > of her two children, aged 4 and 7. And the 2 family dogs. Locked them > all in a bedroom, threw gasoline around the room, and lit a match. > She didn't have a drop of alcohol or drugs in her system. > > > > My other sister died in a car accident. She'd never known a > moment's peace - she was cutting herself, drinking, had panic > disorder, an eating disorder. Totally messed up. > > > > And my brother - God please him - he was born with spina bifada, so > never had to live with us. We envied him, because he was loved and > supported where he was. Hated by my parents, who pretty much disowned > him, but he had a happy life. The day he suffered a fatal brain > aneruysm was a very sad one for me. > > > > Through all this, I was the all bad child - had that role my entire > life, which meant as the others died, my mother ended up being stuck > with the one she never wanted. And for those doctors who say that > BDP's mellow with age, I say - not always!! My mother continued her > vicious assaults, manipulations and demented thoughts till the day > she died. > > > > My doctor tells me that as painful as it is for me to feel all > this, it's the only way for me to truly start to heal. I don't think > I'll ever " get over it " , but my goal is to live with it. Be able to > think of things without the gut wrenching emotion. > > > > I'm so glad this board exists - I can write my truth, and not worry > if others believe me, the way it is in " real life " . I even have aunts > who think my mother was " one grand lady " OMG!! Of course, to them, > she was never anything but sweet. In fact, they liked to visit > because she'd always give them things - often things she'd promised > me. I'd find out months later what happened to things, and she'd > say " oh you didn't really want that old thing, did you? " I'm talking > about family heirlooms, things of my sisters - there was just no end > to the cruelty she revelled in. In the end, I am glad she is dead. I > have definitely started to relax for the first time ever. I have to > believe that soon my pain will start to subside. What a life it's > been. > > > > Thanks to all for listening - you're helping me too, with all that > you share. > > > > > > > > ] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2004 Report Share Posted November 20, 2004 Hi I'm a new too. Sorry to read about every thing you've been through. Maybe this is a new beginning for you. cntbreathe > Hi Everyone - I'm still trying to figure out how to insert my responses - hopefully I get this right...anyway, here goes.I joined this list several months ago, and at first I think I kind of overdosed on all my wicked nada memories. I was (and still am) amazed at how much we all have in common, and how similar our triumphs and tragedies have been. As I read some posts, I remembered things long forgotten. > > For years I didn't really feel much as far as my " growing up " years went. It was crappy, but I figured I'd handled it all - no big deal I liked to say. > > But crappy doesn't quite work. Watching my family disintigrate was like watching a train wreck. You could see it coming, you knew the results would be catastrophic, but you couldn't stop it. > > I'm 47 years old and have only been able to really face all the losses, all the pain, and all the grief in the past few years. I feel like my mind is the container for a huge pile of toxic waste, and I have no place to dump it. And it's burning up my brain... > > My mother had four children - and I'm the only one still living. Both my parents are dead as well. My mother finally died earlier this year - the end of her torment and mine - and since that time I've been in full blown anger and resentment mode. She destroyed everything in her path, all the while feeling she was the victim, she was the one the world was so cruel to. > > One of my sisters had undiagnosed and untreated BPD (I'm fairly certain, since she first started talking about suicide when she was 5, among other things). At the age of 31, she took her life, and that of her two children, aged 4 and 7. And the 2 family dogs. Locked them all in a bedroom, threw gasoline around the room, and lit a match. She didn't have a drop of alcohol or drugs in her system. > > My other sister died in a car accident. She'd never known a moment's peace - she was cutting herself, drinking, had panic disorder, an eating disorder. Totally messed up. > > And my brother - God please him - he was born with spina bifada, so never had to live with us. We envied him, because he was loved and supported where he was. Hated by my parents, who pretty much disowned him, but he had a happy life. The day he suffered a fatal brain aneruysm was a very sad one for me. > > Through all this, I was the all bad child - had that role my entire life, which meant as the others died, my mother ended up being stuck with the one she never wanted. And for those doctors who say that BDP's mellow with age, I say - not always!! My mother continued her vicious assaults, manipulations and demented thoughts till the day she died. > > My doctor tells me that as painful as it is for me to feel all this, it's the only way for me to truly start to heal. I don't think I'll ever " get over it " , but my goal is to live with it. Be able to think of things without the gut wrenching emotion. > > I'm so glad this board exists - I can write my truth, and not worry if others believe me, the way it is in " real life " . I even have aunts who think my mother was " one grand lady " OMG!! Of course, to them, she was never anything but sweet. In fact, they liked to visit because she'd always give them things - often things she'd promised me. I'd find out months later what happened to things, and she'd say " oh you didn't really want that old thing, did you? " I'm talking about family heirlooms, things of my sisters - there was just no end to the cruelty she revelled in. In the end, I am glad she is dead. I have definitely started to relax for the first time ever. I have to believe that soon my pain will start to subside. What a life it's been. > > Thanks to all for listening - you're helping me too, with all that you share. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.