- opening up

[Guest guest]

> I'm new to this board and reading the posts has been interesting

and

> eye-opening, but I have trouble bringing myself to open up and talk

> about what's going on inside my head because I'm feeling fairly

> hopeless about ever being anything other than an absolutely hateful

> and wretched person. I feel a bit guilty about lurking even since

the

> others seem so admirable.

**I know exactly what you mean Al. I read other posts and think -

wow - what a great response - that really helps - how can I

contribute here when others have it more together than I do.

I told my therapist that I was not trusting - I was afraid of people

knowing the real me. And she says this is natural - if your own

mother didn't accept you - the child in you will see you as

wretched. But you're not. I now actually like myself - most of the

time - but still have that fear.

So I doubt you are the bad person you think you are. I listen to you

and your sister - and I think you are both admirable. What you've

come through - and then being able to get close again - and come here

and share your stories - admirable.

>

> To make matters worse, I've realized in recent weeks that all I've

> been told over the years by my nada about my strong suits and

> talents, ideas about me that were then supported by my FOO, is a

lie.

> I'm not really very good at any of it! I can say honestly that I

have

> compassion (although it rarely leads to any good) and am good with

> numbers. That just about wraps up my good qualities.

**I doubt it. Compassion is good for you - sounds like you are a

warm, caring person. That does good in the world. I'm sure there

are many good things about you - you are here trying to heal - and

share so that others can. As you heal - I hope you will rediscover

what your good qualities are. They're there - maybe you can't see

them because of nada's brainwashing.

> Wow! That just sounds pathetic, doesn't it? I'll think on that and

> post more later. Maybe opening up wouldn't be such a bad idea. I'm

> just afraid to open the tap. What if I can't turn it off? I've

worked

> so hard to keep this bottled up and I can't take the chance of

having

> another meltdown. I've only recently started to truly recover from

my

> last nervous breakdown.

**you have to do things in your own time. Personally, though opening

up is scary - it has done me a world of good. And for me, this is

such a good forum for it. It seems that no matter what your

experience, someone here has shared it - or something similar to it.

Being with people who understand takes away alot of the draining

energy it takes to explain to someone who has never experienced BPD

behavior. Also - on-line has the ability to give some space - no one

knows who we are - and having time to sit and write - I can think

about questions/issues for a while without having to immediately

answer. It helps me a lot

I do hope you post more when you are ready.

>

Take care and may you find peace in your life,

Kaht

> Love to all...

>

>