Re: Oh no......very recent nada stuff

[Guest guest]

Hi there!!! I totally sympathize with you on every count!!!Basically

you wrote everything that I am and have felt!!! I try to live for the

moments when it feels just a little bit better!!!The best way of

putting it is it sucks-for now!!!I have faith that it will get better

but it takes a lot of work and an awful lot of patience!!! One of the

best books I've read on the subject is " Surviving the borderline

parent " .It's on the www.BPDCentral.com website and you can maybe get

a copy!!! Your mother sounds exactly like mine!!! I always tell

everyone that she has so much poison inside that no germ dare

enter!!! My parents separated when I was 7 months old and I didn't

see my Dad again until I was 19!!! My mother took me from Canada to

England when I was 10-I moved back to Canada myself when I was 18 and

then down to the U.S. when I was 20 so I have been away from my

mother all that time-I've seen her 6 times in 12 years-the last time

being 3 years ago which a little while later I just stopped

contacting her but she still contacts me occasionally-she leaves it

up to the rest of her family to try to guilt me into it but that

won't work-been there,done that!!! However I just re-connected with a

guy I went to school with in England and I am planning to go back and

see where things lead which now means there will no longer be an

ocean between me and my mother-my mother's family think that now

there will be some kind of reconciliation as usual because it's " my

fault " !!! So I absolutely understand the constant feelings of is it

me?,what else can I do? And the second that junk starts I go on the

offensive and remember I know me better than anyone else and heck I

know my mother better than anyone else other than her-everyone else

has taken a hike and only deal with her when they absolutely have to-

there's the clue right there that everybody knows when to stay away

from trouble and that's exactly what they do!!!Try to keep strong and

remember that it isn't you no matter what anybody says,especially

your mother!!! My mother is very good at putting all of the blame on

me for everything that has ever happened in the history of mankind so

my heart aches for you and all struggling with this insidiousness!!!

Take care all!!!Hugs to everyone!!!

Lots of love, xoxo

>

> Got an email just this morning from my mother. I've a little

brother,

> apparently. 26 years younger than me, and with a 50 year old mother.

> (which makes me think he might be adopted). Oh shit. It's just so

> surreal. I can't think about it, don't feel anything except dread

and

> all the old defenses have kicked in. What am I to think? What am I

to

> do? I don't want to talk to the woman, don't want to get drawn into

> the old abusive cycles and fights. Don't want to email her. Don't

want

> to know, don't need to know. But the guilt... I want to stop

fighting

> her in my head, I want to be free, to let go, to forget, to write

her

> out of my life completely and just forget all about it. Damned

> perfect recall memory....

>

> The poor, poor kid... if she is still as bad as she was when I was

> little, the cycle will perpetuate. Cruel that this may sound, it

would

> be *so* much better for the child to be brought up just by my step

> father, it would be better not to have a mother than to have one

like

> her! But she won't die from all that poison inside...

>

> It's almost like she has sucked some of my life away - she is in

> Europe, enjoying herself, being glamourous and intellectual, writing

> books and travelling about (all on my stepfathers money though). She

> is acting out a role of a Russian woman from the intelligencia,

which

> she is... All this stuff. And I am here in Australia, feeling like a

> misfit or a pariah most of the time, a migrant, still hurting and

> trying to live with the crap she piled on me, fighting off

Depression,

> still afraid that it's *me* who is more mentally unstable than her,

> feeling unable to deal with the world a lot of the time.... just

> trying to make the best out of the life I have. And feeling like I

am

> failing miserably at that. I feel so very tired, out of steam and

> *really* scared that this is all there is to it, that there will be

> nothing better. But there must be, right? Life can't be *this*

> unfair, that there are only bits of good stuff in it, but mostly

> depression........

>

> Had a dream last night, about catching up with an old friend,

running

> around, doing stuff... felt the way I felt a few years ago. Excited

> about life, energetic, bouncy and hopeful. Woke up and felt dead.

> Where has all that gone? What has happened to the dreams and plans

and

> excitement of being alive? I feel like I am wasting time, wasting

this

> life away (while doing all the things that one is expected to do,

like

> have a job and look out for better employment). I feel like I am

> existing, not living... it's a really scary, terrible feeling.

[Guest guest]

Thank you for that, ! And especially thank you for validating

how I feel... it's so easy to slip and to start blaming yourself for

the stuff in the past, to doubt that it's the mother who is the crazy

one, not you. Whenever I get stressed and emotional, I get really

scared that I am acting like her (even though, rationally, it's the

normal range of emotions!). Do you get that at all? I get so scared

that it's me who is mentally ill, who has emotions of a freak... or

something like that. It doesn't help that i've had depression and

panic disorder in the past.

Whenever I hear from or about my mother, I start to feel that I am

wrong, that all the stuff from my childhood is just a fabrication,

that there is nothing wrong with her. But I *KNOW* that this is all a

lie, I remember all the horrible things, the rages, the fights, the

violence. Perhaps it's because nobody else was involved in them,

mostly just her and me, or ( very rarely) my dad as well, there is

nobody to validate my experience, so I have to do it myself! And it's

too hard to do when you are doubting everything...

That book you mentioned, I've got it already and have read through it.

Perhaps I need to work through it more or something... It's so hard to

live with the past we've had, isn't it? I am sorry that you recognise

your mother in what I wrote, and how you feel now. Nobody deserves

feeling this way. Do you ever struggle with the perceptions of " normal

life " ? I know I do... I don't know how to have one. How do people do

all those 'normal' things, work, buy houses, have families, etc? I

feel like such a freak, having come out of the abuse in the past, and

now re-adjusting, learning, trying to build *my own* life from

scratch, erase the abuse and my mother from my life...

thank you again, sweetie. I am such a mess right now...

D

>

[Guest guest]

Hey D.!!! All I can say is I have and do still feel everything you

have mentioned!!! Believe me it is hard work every day and I'm glad

that you have the book-sometimes for me when I'm feeling overwhelmed

I just pick up the book and start reading until the feeling passes!!!

I'm beginning to realize that in the end it's feelings albeit they

are hard to overcome but facts always erase lies-you are absolutely

right when you talk about your experiences occuring when it was just

you and your mother-you can't ask anyone about it but yourself-that

is my entire experience with my mother but here is the test I use for

my own self-first of all truth is consistent-it never changes,however

in my mother's world everything changes and there is no constant-my

memories are constant-they don't change-not when the weather

changes!!! I hope that helps!!!

Hugs !!!

xoxo

> >

[Guest guest]

>

> Hey D.!!! All I can say is I have and do still feel everything you

> have mentioned!!! Believe me it is hard work every day and I'm glad

> that you have the book-sometimes for me when I'm feeling overwhelmed

> I just pick up the book and start reading until the feeling passes!!!

> I'm beginning to realize that in the end it's feelings albeit they

> are hard to overcome but facts always erase lies-you are absolutely

> right when you talk about your experiences occuring when it was just

> you and your mother-you can't ask anyone about it but yourself-that

> is my entire experience with my mother but here is the test I use for

> my own self-first of all truth is consistent-it never changes,however

> in my mother's world everything changes and there is no constant-my

> memories are constant-they don't change-not when the weather

> changes!!! I hope that helps!!!

> Hugs !!!

> xoxo---

Heya ,

I'd like to say I am sorry that you can identify with what I wrote

before and that you understand... again, nobody deserves that sort of

stuff, noone should understand what it's like to grow up with lies and

insecurity and violence. On the other hand, I am incredibly glad that

there is someone out there who understands, really understands and

doesn't tell me that i am crazy, or that this is all in my mind!

You are right when you say that the truth of the situation doesn't

change! i often doubt whether my memories are true or not (heh,

perhaps I even made them up to justufy stopping to talk to my mother!

how twisted is that?! I know that it's her talking in my head... ).

But, I must remember that they are true. And even if there weren't, I

still have the right to choose whom I talk to, what I do, to feel what

ever I feel, and to think whatever I think - right?

When I feel overwhelmed, I think of the things that *I* had achieved,

the good things. I try to reconnect with my life now, with my partner,

my environment and so on. If it gets really bad, I try to disconnect

and meditate on the physical experiences - just the way my body feels

in the here and now, sitting on the sofa or outside in a patch of sun,

watching the birds. Then, when I am calmer, I can deal with it a bit

better. Still, it's so very very hard to live with this, to deal

with it, and to look for the path to healing completely and to be free

from all the legacy, isn't it? ....

**hugs**

Daria