Re: Down the rabbit hole - again

[Guest guest]

Hi Valentine_dog:

You didn't sign a name, so I'm using your e-mail name!

An hour and 1/2 telephone conversation with *anyone* is a bit long?

Suggestion -- can you come up with an excuse to get off the phone

after 10 minutes?

The " appropriate " person for her to be talking to about all this is a

therapist, not you. Is there any way you can convince her to see a

therapist.

Also -- she sounds like she has Depression issues along with BPD.

Could she to on antidepressants?

Just some thoughts.

Barb T.

> This is my first post on this board or for that matter - any board

> dealing with BPD.

>

> Years ago my mother's physician told me that he thought my mother's

> diagnosis would probably be BPD. I didn't even know what

borderline

> personality disorder meant back then (about ten years ago).

>

> Since the advent of the internet I've had the opportunity to learn

a

> bit more about this disorder and I'm inclined to think that this

> general practitioner's " guess-timate " was correct.

>

> I'm an only child - 45 years old - who has been dragged into the

> (dysfunctional) relationship between my parents since I was in

> kindergarten. When it starts to happen I feel like I'm five years

> old again - sitting at the kitchen table listening to my mother

weep

> about how horrid my father was, is and always will be . . . and I

go

> into my firstborn/only child " fixer " mode - but then, I'm engulfed

> with the immediate frustration of knowing that this is one problem

> that I'm not only unqualified to fix - but angry about being

exposed

> to since early childhood. Then, of course, comes the guilt . . .

how

> can I feel so resentful and insensitive to her when she's so

unhappy?

> How can I feel happy about anything else in life when she's so

> unhappy?

>

> I fell down the rabbit hole again today. I'm betting others here

> know the sensation . . . sucked in . . . scared - guilty -

> desperate . . . will she do something drastic this time?

>

> No one is safe from her anger. And as my husband said tonight

(about

> one of the remarks she made to me on the phone this afternoon) " Was

> that a left-handed compliment or a right-handed insult? " I guess

> that's one of the problems . . . who can ever figure it out?

>

> Suddenly all of my " problems " (I didn't think I really had all THAT

> many) are her fault for being depressed - but, she's depressed

> because of my father's mental abuse . . . and if she had been smart

> she would have left him years ago - but she needed to take care of

> me . . .

>

> It's always someone else's fault. She misses my dog. She knows

> she'll never be able to see my home on the West Coast. She's angry

> because my father was given a clean bill of health from the

> cardiologist. If he's " well " why does she have to wait on him hand

> and foot?

>

> Take all this times about an hour and a half long distance and

voila -

> I'm feeling trapped and guilty as ever and confused about whether

or

> not I should cancel my son's plans to fly here tomorrow in lieu of

> flying back to the Midwest to try to sort out their (my parents)

> problems (all the while she's telling me NOT to come because she's

> not in any mood to have company - yet, she wants my fax number so I

> can have control of the money when she has herself

committed . . . ).

>

> Thank you, all, for allowing me this opportunity to vent and vent

and

> vent. Somehow, I needed to say this somewhere where I thought

others

> might understand what this feels like - so I googled Borderline

> Personality Disorder Mothers and here I am.

>

> All my life I've wondered if I would ever run into that other only

> child whose mother used to go to the basement for a week at a

> time . . . you know - that desperate need to try to assign some

kind

> of " normalcy " to what was undoubtedly a series of abnormal

situations.

>

> This has momentarily helped the jitters of frustration that have

been

> building over the last few months as I've listened to her mood

> disintegrate long distance. Today was " D " day (total

> disintegration).

>

> p.s. Is there a way to post this without my email address

appearing?

> Thanks!

[Guest guest]

It is really, really good to know we have this board to vent!

Welcome. With a BPD parent, they ususally blame everyone else for

their problems, don't really preceived the situation correctly, and

have tended to enmesh their children with the result of us feeling

guilty when we are really being reasonable. They also have a way of

making us feel responsible for solving their probelms. You don't have

to feel guilty about your parent's unhappiness. It is up to each

individual to take responsibility for their own happiness (something

our BPD parents forgot to teach us.) Most of our relationship with

our BP parent is a dysfunctional one, and unfortunately, as we begin

to develop healthy ways of living our lives, these parents try harder

and harder to pull us back into their crazy lives.

Regarding your email question, some people set up a specific email

address with a different name for this purpose.

Take care of yourself - and post whenever you need/want to.

Be kind and gentle to yourself,

Sylvia

> This is my first post on this board or for that matter - any board

> dealing with BPD.

>

> Years ago my mother's physician told me that he thought my mother's

> diagnosis would probably be BPD. I didn't even know what

borderline

> personality disorder meant back then (about ten years ago).

>

> Since the advent of the internet I've had the opportunity to learn

a

> bit more about this disorder and I'm inclined to think that this

> general practitioner's " guess-timate " was correct.

>

>..............................>

> I fell down the rabbit hole again today. I'm betting others here

> know the sensation . . . sucked in . . . scared - guilty -

> desperate . . . will she do something drastic this time?

>

.................> Thank you, all, for allowing me this opportunity to

vent and vent and

> vent. Somehow, I needed to say this somewhere where I thought

others

> might understand what this feels like - so I googled Borderline

> Personality Disorder Mothers and here I am.

>

..................>

> p.s. Is there a way to post this without my email address

appearing?

> Thanks!

[Guest guest]

<< Regarding your email question, some people set up a specific

email address with a different name for this purpose. >>

Yahoo only displays part of your address. People can reply to that

address only through the group.

I agree that it is a good idea to keep several e-mail addresses.

That way if you get spammed you have some idea where it came from,

and you can change an address if it gets on spam mailing lists.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Hello Valentine_Dog:

This is my first time posting to this group so be gentle if

I get squirley with the rules:

Speaking from experience, I to, found myself in situations where

my parent " relied " on me without any concept of how their behavior

was affecting me. I did not know what BPD was at the time(80's 90's)

or how it had affected me.

My past experience has taught me that you really should get a

good counselor to aid you in discovering your own " myths " and make

sure this counselor has good knowledge of BPD. Uncovering your myths

can help you set better boundaries with others. My BPD parent has

been deceased for more than 12 years and I find that I still have to

deal with the fallout in my family, who by the way, have never even

heard of the term, let alone acknowleged it.

There is only one certainty. If you are an adult child of a BPD then

you have been affected by the disorder. Find a counselor who will

be compassionate and understanding. You sound very sad and exhausted

which is a normal feeling for those feel they need to bear the weight

of the BP's emotional needs. Give yourself a very large dose of that

compassion which you show your mother. It will pay off in the end.

Good Luck

Oracleman

> > This is my first post on this board or for that matter - any board

> > dealing with BPD.

> >

> > Years ago my mother's physician told me that he thought my mother's

> > diagnosis would probably be BPD. I didn't even know what

> borderline

> > personality disorder meant back then (about ten years ago).

> >

> > Since the advent of the internet I've had the opportunity to learn

> a

> > bit more about this disorder and I'm inclined to think that this

> > general practitioner's " guess-timate " was correct.

> >

> > I'm an only child - 45 years old - who has been dragged into the

> > (dysfunctional) relationship between my parents since I was in

> > kindergarten. When it starts to happen I feel like I'm five years

> > old again - sitting at the kitchen table listening to my mother

> weep

> > about how horrid my father was, is and always will be . . . and I

> go

> > into my firstborn/only child " fixer " mode - but then, I'm engulfed

> > with the immediate frustration of knowing that this is one problem

> > that I'm not only unqualified to fix - but angry about being

> exposed

> > to since early childhood. Then, of course, comes the guilt . . .

> how

> > can I feel so resentful and insensitive to her when she's so

> unhappy?

> > How can I feel happy about anything else in life when she's so

> > unhappy?

> >

> > I fell down the rabbit hole again today. I'm betting others here

> > know the sensation . . . sucked in . . . scared - guilty -

> > desperate . . . will she do something drastic this time?

> >

> > No one is safe from her anger. And as my husband said tonight

> (about

> > one of the remarks she made to me on the phone this afternoon) " Was

> > that a left-handed compliment or a right-handed insult? " I guess

> > that's one of the problems . . . who can ever figure it out?

> >

> > Suddenly all of my " problems " (I didn't think I really had all THAT

> > many) are her fault for being depressed - but, she's depressed

> > because of my father's mental abuse . . . and if she had been smart

> > she would have left him years ago - but she needed to take care of

> > me . . .

> >

> > It's always someone else's fault. She misses my dog. She knows

> > she'll never be able to see my home on the West Coast. She's angry

> > because my father was given a clean bill of health from the

> > cardiologist. If he's " well " why does she have to wait on him hand

> > and foot?

> >

> > Take all this times about an hour and a half long distance and

> voila -

> > I'm feeling trapped and guilty as ever and confused about whether

> or

> > not I should cancel my son's plans to fly here tomorrow in lieu of

> > flying back to the Midwest to try to sort out their (my parents)

> > problems (all the while she's telling me NOT to come because she's

> > not in any mood to have company - yet, she wants my fax number so I

> > can have control of the money when she has herself

> committed . . . ).

> >

> > Thank you, all, for allowing me this opportunity to vent and vent

> and

> > vent. Somehow, I needed to say this somewhere where I thought

> others

> > might understand what this feels like - so I googled Borderline

> > Personality Disorder Mothers and here I am.

> >

> > All my life I've wondered if I would ever run into that other only

> > child whose mother used to go to the basement for a week at a

> > time . . . you know - that desperate need to try to assign some

> kind

> > of " normalcy " to what was undoubtedly a series of abnormal

> situations.

> >

> > This has momentarily helped the jitters of frustration that have

> been

> > building over the last few months as I've listened to her mood

> > disintegrate long distance. Today was " D " day (total

> > disintegration).

> >

> > p.s. Is there a way to post this without my email address

> appearing?

> > Thanks!