Guest guest Posted November 12, 2004 Report Share Posted November 12, 2004 > Yesterday I did some Christmas shopping - I picked up a little > christmasy CD-R and card with the thought that I would fill it with > pictures of my new house to send to nada. By the time I got it home, I > thought I was insane. Why would I think about doing something like > that?? That would be an open invitation for her to come back into my > life again!! Then I realized that it was because I was wishing I had a > mother to share this stuff with, the new house, the new neighborhood, > etc. It made me sad, but not angry or depressed, just sad. I decided > to fill it with pictures and send it to a friend I haven't seen in a > while. > Good for you in catching yourself! My hubby, two best friends, and I have informal running lists of our " tells. " Anyway #1 top of the " Ivory is NOT doing well today " list is " strong desire to or action taken to voluntarily contact Nada! " HA! Seriously though, I'm sorry you're sad. Not having a mom to share stuff with sux. Ivorysoap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 12, 2004 Report Share Posted November 12, 2004 wow, ! There is alot of growth going on here. So glad your dad was receptive to your advice/concern. Guess the rest of the family is in for a shocker. How to avoid it? Wait until they have made definite plans and then find out that you already have something scheduled and you can't get out of it? Maybe it will become a non- issue if there is no money coming from dad? Just be vague about the whole thing until there is something definite that you can say no to? Tell them that you don't enjoy the get togethers because of all the negativity, and so you won't be participating any more? Re the gift for nada....totally understand that. After everything, we sometimes still try to make that connection. So sad that we didn't have a real mom. So glad that we have ourselves, friends, and some family that understand. Take care, Sylvia > > Hi all, > > I just got a note from one of my brothers - he wants to organize a > get-together after Christmas for all the sibs (three brothers and me). > I feel bad because I DON'T want to get together - they are very > negative people, some very disfunctional, and some are in regular > contact with nada, and I just don't want that in my life. But I feel > bad, because it's not their fault we had such disfunctional parents, > just like it's not my fault. I barely even know my youngest brother - > I left the house when he was six. But how do I avoid going to this? In > truth, I honestly don't know how they plan to do it, anyway - none of > them have any money to travel - and that makes me wonder if they are > going to ask ME for money or lodging. And that would be just a big NO. > > They're also assuming dad is going to pay their way to come visit this > Christmas, like he has for the past few years (I live close to dad). I > posted about this a few weeks back, because I dread it every year and > was trying to come up with better alternatives to having to deal with > that whole thing. Well, I decided to just tell my dad how I felt about > it. It was hard to be honest with him, but I asked him why he does it > when everyone ends up being miserable (including him), and that I > wouldn't be participating in that misery this year. I thought it had > fallen on deaf ears, but you know what? I saw dad last weekend and he > said that he wouldn't be doing it this year. He said I had a good > point, and that if they wanted to come visit us they could pay their > own way. I was SHOCKED! But I might actually be looking forward to > Christmas this year . > > Yesterday I did some Christmas shopping - I picked up a little > christmasy CD-R and card with the thought that I would fill it with > pictures of my new house to send to nada. By the time I got it home, I > thought I was insane. Why would I think about doing something like > that?? That would be an open invitation for her to come back into my > life again!! Then I realized that it was because I was wishing I had a > mother to share this stuff with, the new house, the new neighborhood, > etc. It made me sad, but not angry or depressed, just sad. I decided > to fill it with pictures and send it to a friend I haven't seen in a > while. > > Anyway, I just needed to reflect on some of this stuff. Thanks for > listening. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 12, 2004 Report Share Posted November 12, 2004 > > Good for you in catching yourself! My hubby, two best friends, and I > have informal running lists of our " tells. " Anyway #1 top of > the " Ivory is NOT doing well today " list is " strong desire to or > action taken to voluntarily contact Nada! " HA! That's a really good idea! I should write mine down, so I can refer to it when I'm wondering where on earth my head is . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 12, 2004 Report Share Posted November 12, 2004 Hi Sylvia, What I love about these suggestions is that you're telling me that it's OK to just not respond to it, or to deal with it indirectly, like just being unavailable. I always have such guilt associated with keeping a low profile, as if it's unforgivable to opt not to reply when someone says something - fond memories of nada raging to my silence, I guess. And yet that tends to be how I react to unpleasantness, which is exactly what this situation is. So thanks for the validation, that these things are perfectly reasonable responses, given things as they are. What I'd LIKE to say is, " Let's not bother. We don't know each other, we're not friends, our family is a trainwreck and we're just reminders of that fact to each other. Let's go find REAL families elsewhere and call the whole thing off. " Maybe when I'm stronger I can say something like this. But I also wonder, if this is the case, why I still interact with my dad? I think because my relationship to him is superficial, because he's superficial, so there's very little risk involved? Not sure about that one. My relationship to him still confuses me. But probably I'll end up just not responding to them. The FOO is familiar with that from me, and while some resent it, it IS a boundary (and perhaps they resent it because it's a boundary?). And I think you're right - it's probably a non-issue. If dad was giving them a free ride this year it might have happened, but very unlikely otherwise. Just the idea of it makes me cringe. Thanks . > > How to avoid it? Wait until they have > made definite plans and then find out that you already have something > scheduled and you can't get out of it? Maybe it will become a non- > issue if there is no money coming from dad? Just be vague about the > whole thing until there is something definite that you can say no to? > Tell them that you don't enjoy the get togethers because of all the > negativity, and so you won't be participating any more? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 13, 2004 Report Share Posted November 13, 2004 > Yesterday I did some Christmas shopping - I picked up a little > christmasy CD-R and card with the thought that I would fill it with > pictures of my new house to send to nada. By the time I got it home, I > thought I was insane. Why would I think about doing something like > that?? That would be an open invitation for her to come back into my > life again!! Then I realized that it was because I was wishing I had a > mother to share this stuff with, the new house, the new neighborhood, > etc. It made me sad, but not angry or depressed, just sad. I decided > to fill it with pictures and send it to a friend I haven't seen in a > while. > > Anyway, I just needed to reflect on some of this stuff. Thanks for > listening. > > , I've been having the same type of urge to send nada a gift. I haven't talked with her in 6 months or so except a few brief emails and I was at the farmer's market last week and saw these candies made from dates and nada loves dates and I really wanted to buy them and send her some. I thought I could send her a letter updating her on my situation and a picture of me at my new house and my new job (I am a server). So I've been thinking of sending her the gift, but I don't really know why I want to. I guess I need to spend some more time thinking about that. So true though- definilty don't want to invite nada back into my life right now. Bobby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.