Re: Caught in an old loop?

[Guest guest]

For some reason, can't put my finger on it, but although I was pretty mature for

my age in some ways I also seem younger than I am supposed to be. I am 35 now,

but it seems as though in some ways I am still just getting past my teen years.

Others perceive me as being younger, too, and I do not think it is just because

I am somewhat small and do look a little younger than my age. I always assumed

it's always because nada is around me most of the time so people see me as her

kid. Not to mentioned I lived with my parents until a year and a half ago.

Maybe part of the reason I do not want to get involved with a guy is because,

although as a teen and college student I made dumb mistakes, but when I was in

any college relationship with a guy it's like I turned into a BPD. Now I was

going through a severe depression at that time that lasted for 4 years but when

I was depressed I swear I acted like a BPD. Pretty scary when I think about it.

Besides that I really can't see any use for me being married. It really would

be of no benefit so I figure I will just stay as I am. I don't date, either. But

I do have a 14-year-old daughter.

Theresa

-- " hellokitty435 " wrote:

Hi everyone. Sorry I dropped off planet awhile, things got very

hectic here. I'm not really having the foo problems that many of you

are facing, because nada is dead and I've managed to piss off the

remainder of the foo by refusing to accept the whole fog thing. Also,

currently I am not hooked by any guilt regarding holidays or

housework or anything else. I DO have some great links if anyone IS

feeling holiday stress... What I AM dealing with is this old pull,

the " I'm trapped, I gotta get outta here " feeling. I had a therapy

session the other day, felt great working on all these feelings about

divorce, then got home and wondered exactly how stuck I am in the

developmental stage of adolescence, ranting on about how " boring "

hubby is and how flat my life feels. Which is it? Are my current

(going on eight years now) feelings accurate? Or am I replaying the

whole teen thing at 37? I want to LIVE, you see? I must only be happy

in secret, apart from my everyday life, or it will squash me flat

like a bug. Will I always be afraid to be " with " anyone? I run from

intimacy, but when I'm in a relationship that feels barren I miss

it. - Jana

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

>

> Hi everyone. Sorry I dropped off planet awhile, things got very

> hectic here. I'm not really having the foo problems that many of

you

> are facing, because nada is dead and I've managed to piss off the

> remainder of the foo by refusing to accept the whole fog thing.

Also,

> currently I am not hooked by any guilt regarding holidays or

> housework or anything else. I DO have some great links if anyone IS

> feeling holiday stress... What I AM dealing with is this old pull,

> the " I'm trapped, I gotta get outta here " feeling. I had a therapy

> session the other day, felt great working on all these feelings

about

> divorce, then got home and wondered exactly how stuck I am in the

> developmental stage of adolescence, ranting on about how " boring "

> hubby is and how flat my life feels. Which is it? Are my current

> (going on eight years now) feelings accurate? Or am I replaying the

> whole teen thing at 37?

*****Find a quiet place, and listen to your heart of hearts. The

answer is inside of you. It may not reveal itself right away. Give

yourself as much time as it takes. don't make any decisions on

guesses or hunches, unless you are in a situation when a decision has

to be made.

Be kind and gentle to yourself,

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

>

> Hi everyone. Sorry I dropped off planet awhile, things got very

> hectic here. I'm not really having the foo problems that many of

you

> are facing, because nada is dead and I've managed to piss off the

> remainder of the foo by refusing to accept the whole fog thing.

Also,

> currently I am not hooked by any guilt regarding holidays or

> housework or anything else. I DO have some great links if anyone IS

> feeling holiday stress... What I AM dealing with is this old pull,

> the " I'm trapped, I gotta get outta here " feeling. I had a therapy

> session the other day, felt great working on all these feelings

about

> divorce, then got home and wondered exactly how stuck I am in the

> developmental stage of adolescence, ranting on about how " boring "

> hubby is and how flat my life feels. Which is it? Are my current

> (going on eight years now) feelings accurate? Or am I replaying the

> whole teen thing at 37?

*****Find a quiet place, and listen to your heart of hearts. The

answer is inside of you. It may not reveal itself right away. Give

yourself as much time as it takes. don't make any decisions on

guesses or hunches, unless you are in a situation when a decision has

to be made.

Be kind and gentle to yourself,

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

Dear Jana,

I've disovered that I have a problem with waivering--something that

seems absolutely 100% true to me for several weeks or months, it can

suddenly disappear. The best example is my career path, the

conviction that I'm doing the right thing and shouldn't switch

completely. But I also sometimes feel certain ex-boyfriend(s) were,

truly (madly deeply) the one 'true love' of my life--then a few days

later, I will honestly know in my heart of hearts that they weren't

right for me. I'm sure these conflicting problems with 'reality'

are related to nada somehow. Her contstantly saying I was mean,

hateful and selfish when I knew I wasn't; implying I had no right to

exist when I wanted very much to live and be happy. Distortions,

huge, mentally ill distortions of the most basic aspects of reality.

What I have learned to do is to stick with the thoughts/perceptions

that are most persistent and feel most authentic when they do come.

And just ride out the times when I doubt them. I hope this is

helpful to you. What I'm saying is, if I had a husband, I'm sure

that I personally would go through times when I was " certain " he

wasn't right for me and I had made a huge mistake. I would have to

make a choice in my mind to trust the periods when my heart was

indeed telling me that I should be with him. This is no accusation,

please take of it anything that helps you and ditch the rest but do

take from it this: remember you were raised by a nada, so don't be

disturbed if 'reality' doesn't quite fit from time to time! I agree

with S's advice to ride it out.

Also along these lines, unsolved murders and mysteries drive me

crazy! It kills me not to know the truth! If didn't

do it, why was he convicted, and if he did, why won't he just

confess? Stuff like that drives me CRAZY! I love situations where

the exact truth can be known and proven. I should have been a

scientist, speaking of careers...

> >

> > Hi everyone. Sorry I dropped off planet awhile, things got very

> > hectic here. I'm not really having the foo problems that many of

> you

> > are facing, because nada is dead and I've managed to piss off

the

> > remainder of the foo by refusing to accept the whole fog thing.

> Also,

> > currently I am not hooked by any guilt regarding holidays or

> > housework or anything else. I DO have some great links if anyone

IS

> > feeling holiday stress... What I AM dealing with is this old

pull,

> > the " I'm trapped, I gotta get outta here " feeling. I had a

therapy

> > session the other day, felt great working on all these feelings

> about

> > divorce, then got home and wondered exactly how stuck I am in

the

> > developmental stage of adolescence, ranting on about

how " boring "

> > hubby is and how flat my life feels. Which is it? Are my current

> > (going on eight years now) feelings accurate? Or am I replaying

the

> > whole teen thing at 37?

>

> *****Find a quiet place, and listen to your heart of hearts. The

> answer is inside of you. It may not reveal itself right away.

Give

> yourself as much time as it takes. don't make any decisions on

> guesses or hunches, unless you are in a situation when a decision

has

> to be made.

>

> Be kind and gentle to yourself,

>

> Sylvia