whack job parents, holiday visits and emotional incest

[Guest guest]

Otwoma, Dan, Sylvia, , etc. (every KO and his brother...),

I love the whack job adjective. Gave me a light-hearted laugh with

a carnal twinge of cynicism-- probably not the most mature of

responses, but I laughed anyway.

I too realize that distancing myself can just be shrinking back in

fear from the inevitable task of flexing my KO muscles. Some days

it seems easy, and other days it it a threat. But everything does

intensify at this time of year that should be lovely and wonderful,

or so most of us are taught to expect. Coupled with everything

else, it really is a double whammy. Sometimes the double whammy is

just beyond my ability to handle well.

A wise man sees trouble ahead and avoids it, but cowards do too.

But that line deliniating the two is dynamic, and when you have the

added pressures of self-deprecation, bad history, or anything else

that adds additional stress, emotional stability becomes risky. So

the paralell line to this could also be the one separating and

defining what you consider to be self-protection or best self-

interest and propriety with family. If you look at it that way, we

should anticipate our vulnerability, and maybe make a visit but not

when our foos have itchy trigger fingers and lots of ammo.

Dan: Maybe you could tell your family that the French govt.

recommended that you not travel because of security and safety

issues. Say that your plane was diverted to the Carribean. I would

just be determined to have a restful holiday. Even the pop-in visit

may be too much. I think that this is when you must trust your gut

or follow your heart of hearts. If we love our foos, we will

struggle with this inevitably, it seems. Only we can determine

whether we are up to the challenge. I just feel leary about your

jumping into a very volatle situation when you're very vunerable, or

vunerable at all. That is a dynamic thing too.

Thank you for your kindness and peaceful, gracious words of support,

everybody. I feel safe here, despite the threats all around me, and

the safe feeling stays with me which I find to be a completely new

experience when coping with the holidays and nada.

K

[Guest guest]

, thanks for your words of wisdom and support.

I won't tell my family anything but the truth about why I won't

spend the week with them. I am already the black sheep. I can't

get any blacker. Their dishonesty is part of my stress. I won't be

part of it.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Les, I too grew up without every lying. I was taught that lying was

the most horrible thing I could do, and I was terrified to be caught

in a lie. My parents never believed me even though I told the

truth. I was afraid that if I was caught in a lie, just once, they

would have the evidence to say that everything I had ever said

before was a lie, too, and the punishment would be beyond my

imagination.

This terror did me in when my first wife divorced me, and accused me

of all sorts of horrible abuse. I felt so horribly guilty about

being accused that people just assumed I was guilty. The social

worker the court appointed to evaluate me said that my denial of

being an abuser just proved that I was a liar as well as an abuser.

Another of the reasons I left the USA.

It won't take any bravery for me to tell Nada the truth about why I

won't visit. It will be a small way of getting back at her. The

worst she can do is refuse to ever talk to me again, which would

suit me fine.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Dear Dan,

snip> I wrote my mother and told her exactly why I was cancelling the

> visit.....If that is the case,I will never see her

> again. I feel sad about that, but it is better than letting her

> complete the job of destroying me.

Right on! You just made my own Christmas happier!

Les