svivor18's question

[Guest guest]

svivor18 wrote:

how do i mourn the death of my tormentor? aquaintances

express condolence, and i feel so alone--like they

can't possibly understand the confusion of feelings.

This is an interesting question and something that I

have thought about for a while. My mom died in 1998,

so I've had some time to gain some perspective on

this. She was more of a waif in her later years and

often genuinely expressed her sadness at what she

didn't know or do as as a young mother. My siblings

also haven't had much insight into how they were

affected by bpd. I was a double-winner, as my first

marriage was to a bp, so I have had to become aware of

what fleas I carry. Luckily my sibs were more

fortunate. I haven't felt a need to " enlighten " them

about my struggles and my memories, especially as they

start to reminisce about our childhood.

I don't feel any particular need to respond to those

who express condolences other than " Thank you for

caring. "

I also play a sort of mental game with things like

this. My present husband is a great one to apologize

for anything and everything and this initially

bothered me because he often apologizes for things

that aren't really his responsibility. It occurred to

me one day to just accept his apologies, because bpxh

*never* apologized for anything during the years we

were married. So a few extra apologies here and there

sort of make up for apologies I should have had but

never got.

As KO's we are often hyper-sensitive and read in to

peoples' comments all sorts of stuff that isn't

intended. We probably also feel a sense of guilt and

shame - " I should be sad because my mother died, but I

can't - what's wrong with me? " There is nothing wrong

with us other than the " luck " of drawing a bp mom.

You could perhaps look at the expressions of

condolence as simply their way of extending comfort to

you, which you certainly deserve. They don't have to

know that you take that comfort " as if " - " as if "

they knew the pain that you suffered and that they are

truly sorry, which they would be if they truly

understood all the facts of the case. " As if " means

that you can accept their expressions as kindness and

apply them to yourself as bandages to your wounds,

whatever the source of those wounds might be.

While your acquaintances " can't possibly understand "

the confusion of your feelings, there are many here

who understand it all too well. *rueful grin* Please

continue to share your feelings, because we've been

there and know what the confusion is all about.

WeezeeGee

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