Re: Reading my life story!

[Guest guest]

Hi D,

My BPD/NPD nada was ALWAYS late for everything. My sister and I gained

the distinction of being late every day for grade school. After moving

out, I went the opposite and was/am ALWAYS early. Thus the pendulum

swings for us KOs.

About your Holiday dilemma, how about doing something really nice,

memorable, and different this year -- ummm, like taking a vacation in

Timbucktu or Hawaii. KOs need to give their Self permission to change

old patterns. Life is too short to continue to endure unhappiness at the

hands of one's nada.

- Edith

backchatting wrote:

> WOW!

> I have only posted once before today, but I have been reading all of

> the posts. I am still so amazed to have found this group! So many of

> you write about situations that sound identical to my life.

>

> I have often fought the reputation of being TOO organized and

> several of my friends are annoyed by my ability to have things done

> in a timely fashion. Yep, I am one of those people who have things

> completed months ahead of time. LOL. I know that my early bird

> shopping as well as Christmas cards that are sent out by December

> 1st have everything to do with my Nada. She was always the

> procrastinator. I used to think that it was because she was a

> working mom that tried to do too much. Now I realize it was her

> choice to wait until 3 in the morning on Xmas Eve to wrap presents

> and get everything else done. She was always " too overwhelmed to

> cope " and then she would be exhausted and go into a rage and ruin

> the holiday with her screaming, crying, guilt trips, etc. I can

> remember thinking as a kid that I would rather skip Xmas than have

> to deal with the guilt of ruining another holiday with my " spoiled

> rotten " and " uncaring " attitude that I was told I had. I just wanted

> a normal mother!

>

> My Nada is also a clutter queen and is perpetually disorganized and

> ALWAYS LATE. I have learned that this is her way to stay in control

> of everyone else in the family. As a child, and even as an adult, I

> like to have my environment tidy. Sure, my house gets messy, but if

> it gets to the point where it resembles Nada's house I get very

> grumpy until it is cleaned up. I just look at this as the only way I

> could control all of the chaos that surrounded me while I was

> growing up.

>

> I am learning from all of you how to stand up for myself, how to set

> limits, and how to hopefully continue to develop a healthy life. I

> have forever taken great care and had great concern of others, to

> the detriment of myself. I am slowing trying to change that and take

> better care of ME. I know that 40 years of Nada's influence and web

> of guilt takes awhile to unravel. I guess it is like what they teach

> in AA- " one day at a time " . I think I should get one of those bumper

> stickers...to remind me of how to change and take care of me!

>

> In looking ahead to the holidays...see, I am already planning....I

> am wondering if any of you were successful in requesting that your

> Nada stay in a hotel over the holidays. I am not sure how to deal

> with this. Nada has always come to my house for Thanksgiving and

> Christmas. We have a guest room that she has stayed in, so now I

> don't know how to change and ask that if she comes to town that I

> want her to stay in a hotel. I am thinking that this is a way to

> decrease the time she is here as well as decrease her usual

> outbursts. I feel guilty asking her stay in a hotel when we have

> room, but I honestly can't imagine having to spend days on end with

> her! Oh, how I wish for a " very Brady Christmas! " LOL!

>

> Thanks to all of you for listening!

> D.

[Guest guest]

> My BPD/NPD nada was ALWAYS late for everything.

Ha. My BPD/NPD nada was ALWAYS early for everything. I am ALWAYS

late. I can be " the late " without even being dead.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

> About your Holiday dilemma, how about doing something really nice,

> memorable, and different this year -- ummm, like taking a vacation

in Timbucktu or Hawaii. KOs need to give their Self permission to

change old patterns. Life is too short to continue to endure

unhappiness at the hands of one's nada.

> - Edith

Oh Edith,

I would LOVE to go to Hawaii for the holidays! That would be lovely,

but my financial situation does not allow such luxury at this time.

I also have a 10 year old son, so we are still building

memories/holiday traditions for him here at home. I have always

thought that when he was a teen we could do a Hawaii vacation for

Christmas.

Nada is part of the holiday problem, because I am trying to create

good memories for my son and she trys to ruin the time with her

behavior. That is why I am considering asking her to stay away this

year. I know that will lead to horrible guilt tripping on her part,

and it will make me even more horrible in her opinion, so I am

trying to work through those feelings. Who knows, I might not have

the strength to do it. Is is an easier option to consider when I

think about my son's future memories of Christmas. I would like him

to have one without the screaming, yellling, slammed doors. But

then, how do you explain to a 10 year old that you don't want

Grandma to be here for Christmas. I know Nada will guilt trip him

later because she was not included.

Oh, the trauma that our Nada's put us through!!!

Today we are attending the funeral for a sweet 8 year old boy, the

son of a coworker. I must admit that I have thought of their pain

this past week and know that I would not be devastated had it

been my Nada's funeral that I was attending instead. Isn't that a

sad thought?

Every day I parent my son, I try to break the cycle of abuse. I

ALWAYS apologize to him for errors I have made. I tell him that I

love him at least once a day. At least with the new knowledge I have

I can understand why Nada has a BPD, but it is still difficult to

separate her mean, cruel actions and try to love her for who she

is...

D.