Guest guest Posted June 25, 2004 Report Share Posted June 25, 2004 Hi and welcome to the group. If your son continues to visit your mother I would continue to go with him. That way you are presenting a united front to your nada and also keeping him from being in the position of having your mother try to manipulate him. My son is in college and we still go together to visit my mother. She is one of the less overtly crazy nadas I've read about here, but this works well for us because she has made him feel uncomfortable in the past and I know how her mind works. Lark > I'm new at this and have certainly gained some insight through > reading some of the posts here. I have a potential future problem > that I need help with. > > BACKGROUND: > When my mother gets upset (can be as trivial as looking at her the > wrong way) she retaliates by cutting that person out of her life and > then doing an all out character assasination on them. I am an only > child (46 years old) and have lost every single member of my extended > family that way! When I was younger and my mother told me that she > would no longer have anything to do with my favorite aunt because my > aunt (who could no longer drive and lived 2 hours away) couldn't find > a ride to attend one of my mother's parties...I felt my mother must > have been covering up some horrible deed my aunt did...after all who > would " disown " someone for not finding a ride!!! Anyway, through the > years, I have learned my lesson! > > To try to make a very long story short...after living away from my > parents for about 15 years, my parents moved to the same town where > my husband, young son and I were living. My husband (at the time) > was (actually he still is) a physician and they thought he might be > of some help as my father was very ill. My mother hated my husband > but adored the fact that he made a fabulous income. My father died > within 6 months of theirmove...and I had another child a month > later. My mother blamed the birth of my second son for the death of > my father (You know the old saying.... 1 person dies for 1 person to > be born!). > > Anyway, knowing that my mother was alone in this world (with the > exception of us), I decided to include her in my family as much as > possible and tried to help get her new friends, etc. in her " new " > town. We included her on fabulous trips, helped pay for her condo, > gave her a monthly " allowance " , etc. My husband was abusive and > although she hated him, she encouraged me to stay for the lifestyle I > could give her and my 2 sons. Up to this point, my mother could not > have been nicer to me.....after all, I was finally allowing her to > have the lifestyle she had always dreamed of! > > My mother at this point decided to become even more involved with my > boys...or I should say my oldest son. She started to refer to them > as her boys and she started to make my oldest son's life, her life. > He was 6 at the time and had started to swim. She basically lived and > breathed my son's swimming. If he won a medal...she deserved it > because she had worked just as hard as he did for it. If he had a > sore throat and I wouldn't let him go swimming, he got in trouble > with her. I kept telling him not to worry about it, but by the time > he was 9...he honestly felt he couldn't swim without her. I also > heard her arguing with him when he told her that he had gotten a B on > a test...that no grandchild of hers would ever get anything less than > an A. When I finally realized that shewas doing to him what she > had done to me growing up, I knew I had to distance him from her. > It's funny how sometimes you can't see how wrong something is until > you see it happen to someone you love! > > At the same time, enough was enough with my husband, and I decided to > divorce. > > I never thought my mother would actually disown me ( although I had > been threatened with it since I was little) since she had no one > else. Needless to say, when the potential of losing her new > lifestyle finally hit her and I began to distance my son from her, > the gates of hell were finally opened and directed straight at me! > How dare I do this to her! (I should say at this point, that without > my ex-husband's help, she still had a very comfortable upper-middle > class lifestyle). > > I want to make it clear that I never kept my sons from her...I just > simply limited their visitations with her. My mother had agreed to go > to a psychologist with us, but walked out after the second visit. At > least my children have been told by a psychologist that she is very > ill (not that that actually makes it any easier!). When my > children's school had an assembly on emotional abuse... my children > came home saying that the school had basically described their > grandmother! > > PROBLEM: > > Up to now, I have limited my childrens visitation with their > grandmother. Most times, I have forced them to go...and my youngest > has made me promise I will never make him go alone. > > In 3 months, my oldest son will get his driver's permit. Once he > gets his drivers license, my mother has told him that she knows he > will start coming by to see her everyday and that I can't stop him > anymore. She honestly thinks she is the best grandmother that ever > existed and that my 2 sons idolize her!!!! > > Anyway, my son has told me that he has no intention of doing that. > He will visit her occassionly but not very often. He is afraid of > what her retaliation will be to this. > > He has been a witness to her character assasinations of me ( she > likes to call me up to tell me what she has told people...she likes > to see the looks on their faces!) He is scared of what she will do > to him...in terms of emotional abuse. My son still swims(I'm proud to > say that he is own of the top swimmers in our state for his age > group). She has actually come and pulled him out of swim practice to > tell him that she is disowning me! She has actually disowned me at a > swim meet. I had not arrived yet and she disowned me infront of the > entire team. The other mother's refuse to tell me exactly what she > said, but they said they couldn't believe what came out of her > mouth. She told them to tell me to get everything I owned out of her > storage unit when the swim meet was over. I did...and when the last > thing was packed in the car...she wanted to know if we could all go > out to eat and just be friends!!!!! > > Anyway, my son realizes what my mother is like and now, so do some of > his > friends. He is at that age when he cares what his peers think. > > Sorry about all this rambling but any ideas on how my son should > handle this situation with my mother? Hopefully, she won't do her > usual emotional blackmail on him but I don't trust her....would just > appreciate suggestions on how to avoid this potential problem. > > Thanks. > > PS. She'll probably just blame everything on me and I'll just have > to go through character assasination one more time for turning her > grandchildren against her! Although it always hurts, by now I'm > getting used to it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 25, 2004 Report Share Posted June 25, 2004 > > I'm new at this and have certainly gained some insight through > > reading some of the posts here. I have a potential future problem > > that I need help with. > > > > BACKGROUND: > > When my mother gets upset (can be as trivial as looking at her the > > wrong way) she retaliates by cutting that person out of her life and > > then doing an all out character assasination on them. I am an only > > child (46 years old) and have lost every single member of my > extended > > family that way! When I was younger and my mother told me that she > > would no longer have anything to do with my favorite aunt because my > > aunt (who could no longer drive and lived 2 hours away) couldn't > find > > a ride to attend one of my mother's parties...I felt my mother must > > have been covering up some horrible deed my aunt did...after all who > > would " disown " someone for not finding a ride!!! Anyway, through the > > years, I have learned my lesson! > > > > To try to make a very long story short...after living away from my > > parents for about 15 years, my parents moved to the same town where > > my husband, young son and I were living. My husband (at the time) > > was (actually he still is) a physician and they thought he might be > > of some help as my father was very ill. My mother hated my husband > > but adored the fact that he made a fabulous income. My father died > > within 6 months of theirmove...and I had another child a month > > later. My mother blamed the birth of my second son for the death of > > my father (You know the old saying.... 1 person dies for 1 person to > > be born!). > > > > Anyway, knowing that my mother was alone in this world (with the > > exception of us), I decided to include her in my family as much as > > possible and tried to help get her new friends, etc. in her " new " > > town. We included her on fabulous trips, helped pay for her condo, > > gave her a monthly " allowance " , etc. My husband was abusive and > > although she hated him, she encouraged me to stay for the lifestyle > I > > could give her and my 2 sons. Up to this point, my mother could not > > have been nicer to me.....after all, I was finally allowing her to > > have the lifestyle she had always dreamed of! > > > > My mother at this point decided to become even more involved with my > > boys...or I should say my oldest son. She started to refer to them > > as her boys and she started to make my oldest son's life, her life. > > He was 6 at the time and had started to swim. She basically lived > and > > breathed my son's swimming. If he won a medal...she deserved it > > because she had worked just as hard as he did for it. If he had a > > sore throat and I wouldn't let him go swimming, he got in trouble > > with her. I kept telling him not to worry about it, but by the time > > he was 9...he honestly felt he couldn't swim without her. I also > > heard her arguing with him when he told her that he had gotten a B > on > > a test...that no grandchild of hers would ever get anything less > than > > an A. When I finally realized that shewas doing to him what she > > had done to me growing up, I knew I had to distance him from her. > > It's funny how sometimes you can't see how wrong something is until > > you see it happen to someone you love! > > > > At the same time, enough was enough with my husband, and I decided > to > > divorce. > > > > I never thought my mother would actually disown me ( although I had > > been threatened with it since I was little) since she had no one > > else. Needless to say, when the potential of losing her new > > lifestyle finally hit her and I began to distance my son from her, > > the gates of hell were finally opened and directed straight at me! > > How dare I do this to her! (I should say at this point, that without > > my ex-husband's help, she still had a very comfortable upper- middle > > class lifestyle). > > > > I want to make it clear that I never kept my sons from her...I just > > simply limited their visitations with her. My mother had agreed to > go > > to a psychologist with us, but walked out after the second visit. At > > least my children have been told by a psychologist that she is very > > ill (not that that actually makes it any easier!). When my > > children's school had an assembly on emotional abuse... my children > > came home saying that the school had basically described their > > grandmother! > > > > PROBLEM: > > > > Up to now, I have limited my childrens visitation with their > > grandmother. Most times, I have forced them to go...and my youngest > > has made me promise I will never make him go alone. > > > > In 3 months, my oldest son will get his driver's permit. Once he > > gets his drivers license, my mother has told him that she knows he > > will start coming by to see her everyday and that I can't stop him > > anymore. She honestly thinks she is the best grandmother that ever > > existed and that my 2 sons idolize her!!!! > > > > Anyway, my son has told me that he has no intention of doing that. > > He will visit her occassionly but not very often. He is afraid of > > what her retaliation will be to this. > > > > He has been a witness to her character assasinations of me ( she > > likes to call me up to tell me what she has told people...she likes > > to see the looks on their faces!) He is scared of what she will do > > to him...in terms of emotional abuse. My son still swims(I'm proud > to > > say that he is own of the top swimmers in our state for his age > > group). She has actually come and pulled him out of swim practice to > > tell him that she is disowning me! She has actually disowned me at a > > swim meet. I had not arrived yet and she disowned me infront of the > > entire team. The other mother's refuse to tell me exactly what she > > said, but they said they couldn't believe what came out of her > > mouth. She told them to tell me to get everything I owned out of her > > storage unit when the swim meet was over. I did...and when the last > > thing was packed in the car...she wanted to know if we could all go > > out to eat and just be friends!!!!! > > > > Anyway, my son realizes what my mother is like and now, so do some > of > > his > > friends. He is at that age when he cares what his peers think. > > > > Sorry about all this rambling but any ideas on how my son should > > handle this situation with my mother? Hopefully, she won't do her > > usual emotional blackmail on him but I don't trust her....would just > > appreciate suggestions on how to avoid this potential problem. > > > > Thanks. > > > > PS. She'll probably just blame everything on me and I'll just have > > to go through character assasination one more time for turning her > > grandchildren against her! Although it always hurts, by now I'm > > getting used to it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 25, 2004 Report Share Posted June 25, 2004 > > I'm new at this and have certainly gained some insight through > > reading some of the posts here. I have a potential future problem > > that I need help with. > > > > BACKGROUND: > > When my mother gets upset (can be as trivial as looking at her the > > wrong way) she retaliates by cutting that person out of her life and > > then doing an all out character assasination on them. I am an only > > child (46 years old) and have lost every single member of my > extended > > family that way! When I was younger and my mother told me that she > > would no longer have anything to do with my favorite aunt because my > > aunt (who could no longer drive and lived 2 hours away) couldn't > find > > a ride to attend one of my mother's parties...I felt my mother must > > have been covering up some horrible deed my aunt did...after all who > > would " disown " someone for not finding a ride!!! Anyway, through the > > years, I have learned my lesson! > > > > To try to make a very long story short...after living away from my > > parents for about 15 years, my parents moved to the same town where > > my husband, young son and I were living. My husband (at the time) > > was (actually he still is) a physician and they thought he might be > > of some help as my father was very ill. My mother hated my husband > > but adored the fact that he made a fabulous income. My father died > > within 6 months of theirmove...and I had another child a month > > later. My mother blamed the birth of my second son for the death of > > my father (You know the old saying.... 1 person dies for 1 person to > > be born!). > > > > Anyway, knowing that my mother was alone in this world (with the > > exception of us), I decided to include her in my family as much as > > possible and tried to help get her new friends, etc. in her " new " > > town. We included her on fabulous trips, helped pay for her condo, > > gave her a monthly " allowance " , etc. My husband was abusive and > > although she hated him, she encouraged me to stay for the lifestyle > I > > could give her and my 2 sons. Up to this point, my mother could not > > have been nicer to me.....after all, I was finally allowing her to > > have the lifestyle she had always dreamed of! > > > > My mother at this point decided to become even more involved with my > > boys...or I should say my oldest son. She started to refer to them > > as her boys and she started to make my oldest son's life, her life. > > He was 6 at the time and had started to swim. She basically lived > and > > breathed my son's swimming. If he won a medal...she deserved it > > because she had worked just as hard as he did for it. If he had a > > sore throat and I wouldn't let him go swimming, he got in trouble > > with her. I kept telling him not to worry about it, but by the time > > he was 9...he honestly felt he couldn't swim without her. I also > > heard her arguing with him when he told her that he had gotten a B > on > > a test...that no grandchild of hers would ever get anything less > than > > an A. When I finally realized that shewas doing to him what she > > had done to me growing up, I knew I had to distance him from her. > > It's funny how sometimes you can't see how wrong something is until > > you see it happen to someone you love! > > > > At the same time, enough was enough with my husband, and I decided > to > > divorce. > > > > I never thought my mother would actually disown me ( although I had > > been threatened with it since I was little) since she had no one > > else. Needless to say, when the potential of losing her new > > lifestyle finally hit her and I began to distance my son from her, > > the gates of hell were finally opened and directed straight at me! > > How dare I do this to her! (I should say at this point, that without > > my ex-husband's help, she still had a very comfortable upper- middle > > class lifestyle). > > > > I want to make it clear that I never kept my sons from her...I just > > simply limited their visitations with her. My mother had agreed to > go > > to a psychologist with us, but walked out after the second visit. At > > least my children have been told by a psychologist that she is very > > ill (not that that actually makes it any easier!). When my > > children's school had an assembly on emotional abuse... my children > > came home saying that the school had basically described their > > grandmother! > > > > PROBLEM: > > > > Up to now, I have limited my childrens visitation with their > > grandmother. Most times, I have forced them to go...and my youngest > > has made me promise I will never make him go alone. > > > > In 3 months, my oldest son will get his driver's permit. Once he > > gets his drivers license, my mother has told him that she knows he > > will start coming by to see her everyday and that I can't stop him > > anymore. She honestly thinks she is the best grandmother that ever > > existed and that my 2 sons idolize her!!!! > > > > Anyway, my son has told me that he has no intention of doing that. > > He will visit her occassionly but not very often. He is afraid of > > what her retaliation will be to this. > > > > He has been a witness to her character assasinations of me ( she > > likes to call me up to tell me what she has told people...she likes > > to see the looks on their faces!) He is scared of what she will do > > to him...in terms of emotional abuse. My son still swims(I'm proud > to > > say that he is own of the top swimmers in our state for his age > > group). She has actually come and pulled him out of swim practice to > > tell him that she is disowning me! She has actually disowned me at a > > swim meet. I had not arrived yet and she disowned me infront of the > > entire team. The other mother's refuse to tell me exactly what she > > said, but they said they couldn't believe what came out of her > > mouth. She told them to tell me to get everything I owned out of her > > storage unit when the swim meet was over. I did...and when the last > > thing was packed in the car...she wanted to know if we could all go > > out to eat and just be friends!!!!! > > > > Anyway, my son realizes what my mother is like and now, so do some > of > > his > > friends. He is at that age when he cares what his peers think. > > > > Sorry about all this rambling but any ideas on how my son should > > handle this situation with my mother? Hopefully, she won't do her > > usual emotional blackmail on him but I don't trust her....would just > > appreciate suggestions on how to avoid this potential problem. > > > > Thanks. > > > > PS. She'll probably just blame everything on me and I'll just have > > to go through character assasination one more time for turning her > > grandchildren against her! Although it always hurts, by now I'm > > getting used to it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 28, 2004 Report Share Posted June 28, 2004 Hi, Your story really hits home with me. I too am an only child. My mother played the game of insulting my husband (some unique attempt to build an alliance, sigh) and, when I became pregnant she looked like Vampira waiting to sink her fangs into the newborn, that of course should be named after her (my daughter wasn't, and I expressly told my mother this). It is very difficult to be in your situation, my mother was the same way in that she cut ties to every family member (isolate the child so the dysfunction won't be noticed?). One " cut off " was over the fact that a relative didn't ask her if she wanted pie and coffee after a supper. Sigh. Your son is replaying your situation as a child (you made an allusion to it), and I think I would suggest that you move in and take the reins. If she can't hear the truth about the reason for limited to no visitation on your son's part, then I would just allow my son to stop having contact. I personally still am in pain over nada, and in the anger stage no doubt, but I would want my son to see me make the final cut and take back my family. BTW....if your nada is threatening in front of groups of people that she is going to disown you, she probably thinks you are disowning her. Maybe call her bluff in a subtle way (limiting access). Please keep us posted! > >Reply-To: ModOasis >To: ModOasis >Subject: Suggestions >Date: Fri, 25 Jun 2004 17:10:35 -0000 > >I'm new at this and have certainly gained some insight through >reading some of the posts here. I have a potential future problem >that I need help with. > >BACKGROUND: >When my mother gets upset (can be as trivial as looking at her the >wrong way) she retaliates by cutting that person out of her life and >then doing an all out character assasination on them. I am an only >child (46 years old) and have lost every single member of my extended >family that way! When I was younger and my mother told me that she >would no longer have anything to do with my favorite aunt because my >aunt (who could no longer drive and lived 2 hours away) couldn't find >a ride to attend one of my mother's parties...I felt my mother must >have been covering up some horrible deed my aunt did...after all who >would " disown " someone for not finding a ride!!! Anyway, through the >years, I have learned my lesson! > >To try to make a very long story short...after living away from my >parents for about 15 years, my parents moved to the same town where >my husband, young son and I were living. My husband (at the time) >was (actually he still is) a physician and they thought he might be >of some help as my father was very ill. My mother hated my husband >but adored the fact that he made a fabulous income. My father died >within 6 months of theirmove...and I had another child a month >later. My mother blamed the birth of my second son for the death of >my father (You know the old saying.... 1 person dies for 1 person to >be born!). > >Anyway, knowing that my mother was alone in this world (with the >exception of us), I decided to include her in my family as much as >possible and tried to help get her new friends, etc. in her " new " >town. We included her on fabulous trips, helped pay for her condo, >gave her a monthly " allowance " , etc. My husband was abusive and >although she hated him, she encouraged me to stay for the lifestyle I >could give her and my 2 sons. Up to this point, my mother could not >have been nicer to me.....after all, I was finally allowing her to >have the lifestyle she had always dreamed of! > >My mother at this point decided to become even more involved with my >boys...or I should say my oldest son. She started to refer to them >as her boys and she started to make my oldest son's life, her life. >He was 6 at the time and had started to swim. She basically lived and >breathed my son's swimming. If he won a medal...she deserved it >because she had worked just as hard as he did for it. If he had a >sore throat and I wouldn't let him go swimming, he got in trouble >with her. I kept telling him not to worry about it, but by the time >he was 9...he honestly felt he couldn't swim without her. I also >heard her arguing with him when he told her that he had gotten a B on >a test...that no grandchild of hers would ever get anything less than >an A. When I finally realized that shewas doing to him what she >had done to me growing up, I knew I had to distance him from her. >It's funny how sometimes you can't see how wrong something is until >you see it happen to someone you love! > >At the same time, enough was enough with my husband, and I decided to >divorce. > >I never thought my mother would actually disown me ( although I had >been threatened with it since I was little) since she had no one >else. Needless to say, when the potential of losing her new >lifestyle finally hit her and I began to distance my son from her, >the gates of hell were finally opened and directed straight at me! >How dare I do this to her! (I should say at this point, that without >my ex-husband's help, she still had a very comfortable upper-middle >class lifestyle). > >I want to make it clear that I never kept my sons from her...I just >simply limited their visitations with her. My mother had agreed to go >to a psychologist with us, but walked out after the second visit. At >least my children have been told by a psychologist that she is very >ill (not that that actually makes it any easier!). When my >children's school had an assembly on emotional abuse... my children >came home saying that the school had basically described their >grandmother! > >PROBLEM: > >Up to now, I have limited my childrens visitation with their >grandmother. Most times, I have forced them to go...and my youngest >has made me promise I will never make him go alone. > >In 3 months, my oldest son will get his driver's permit. Once he >gets his drivers license, my mother has told him that she knows he >will start coming by to see her everyday and that I can't stop him >anymore. She honestly thinks she is the best grandmother that ever >existed and that my 2 sons idolize her!!!! > >Anyway, my son has told me that he has no intention of doing that. >He will visit her occassionly but not very often. He is afraid of >what her retaliation will be to this. > >He has been a witness to her character assasinations of me ( she >likes to call me up to tell me what she has told people...she likes >to see the looks on their faces!) He is scared of what she will do >to him...in terms of emotional abuse. My son still swims(I'm proud to >say that he is own of the top swimmers in our state for his age >group). She has actually come and pulled him out of swim practice to >tell him that she is disowning me! She has actually disowned me at a >swim meet. I had not arrived yet and she disowned me infront of the >entire team. The other mother's refuse to tell me exactly what she >said, but they said they couldn't believe what came out of her >mouth. She told them to tell me to get everything I owned out of her >storage unit when the swim meet was over. I did...and when the last >thing was packed in the car...she wanted to know if we could all go >out to eat and just be friends!!!!! > >Anyway, my son realizes what my mother is like and now, so do some of >his >friends. He is at that age when he cares what his peers think. > >Sorry about all this rambling but any ideas on how my son should >handle this situation with my mother? Hopefully, she won't do her >usual emotional blackmail on him but I don't trust her....would just >appreciate suggestions on how to avoid this potential problem. > >Thanks. > >PS. She'll probably just blame everything on me and I'll just have >to go through character assasination one more time for turning her >grandchildren against her! Although it always hurts, by now I'm >getting used to it! > _________________________________________________________________ Get fast, reliable Internet access with MSN 9 Dial-up – now 3 months FREE! http://join.msn.click-url.com/go/onm00200361ave/direct/01/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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