Re: talking rougher than you are to Nada's

[Guest guest]

" Now I doubt that I could kill anyone, but I am unsure when it comes

to my kids & losing them...All I know was that I was desperate...I

was afraid that if she carried out her I would lose all I had ever

worked so hard for. I had to make her stop. "

You know, I really really know how you feel. My nada has never made

threats or tried to take away my kids, but she has been so intrusive

in my life that I really felt my territory & my kids were " in

danger " of being sucked into her bizarre world at one point. After

my last was born, nada insisted on coming to my house unannounced

to " help " --ie, rearrange everything 10 times to her liking, stick

her nose in everything I do or say, rustle through my drawers

looking for her things that she's hidden in them, etc. I finally had

to tell her not to touch anything anymore, which she interpreted

as " I'm kicking you out " . I didn't try to change that impression.

She had my house key & showed up the next week (after several days

of blessed peace alone with my newborn) unannounced, & went straight

to my underwear drawer to look for a gold bracelet she couldn't find

at home. I felt it was an excuse to crowbar her way into my privacy

& shove herself between me & my kids again. I did really feel in my

soul that my baby & I were deeply threatened in a vague and sinister

way, & that she was truly evil; she was in a weird waif/witch mood,

& I didn't trust her. For the first time in my life, as she was

rustling through my things with her back to me, I truly felt that I

could physically hurt her. REALLY hurt her. She was so vulnerable at

that moment & I really FELT the temptation. In fact, if I had not

been holding the baby, I think I could have hit her. It really

really frightened me. Maybe it was a combination of my postpartum

hormones & her violating my boundaries just one-time-too-many, but I

really understand now how some people can snap. I made her leave

immediately & had the locks changed (boy, that's another story, when

she found out!). I was very shaken & cried for a long time. I told

my husband that night that I was deeply afraid to be alone with her

(I had recently told him I thought she was BP, but I didn't tell him

all the above details as I was too ashamed; I WAS deeply afraid.), &

he agreed about the locks.

I think I have also manipulated my nada's paranoias to keep her from

violating my boundaries, like telling her she's going to get hit by

a car if she insists on walking to my house (unfortunately, my nada

lives within a half hour walk from me, she doesn't drive anymore).

Thankfully, since I " kicked her out " , she doesn't dare come over.

Just like a vampire, I guess I'd have to invite her across the

threshold for her to start sucking on my soul again. Not going to

happen, Countess.

So although I don't have specific advice for you, I do want to

validate your feelings about this, since maybe you feel guilty or

like some horrible person, like I did. I totally understand where

you're coming from. Nadas can make us think & feel like no one else

can, especially like a horrible person. It's almost beyond

comprehension to anyone who's never had a nada, I think. My only

answer has been to keep her away from me as much as possible & limit

my contact to the absolute minimum.

> Clear DayHi all,

> I have a couple of questions? While growing up with my mother

> I had to put up with her crap & then go into my room & cry or let

out my anger at her & (or) my stepdad in a quiet manner. I had to

let my anger out quietly e.g biting my pillow as hard as I could &

stuff like that.

> As I got older I tried various ways to deal with her. Her threats

to try to get my kids taken away from me & stuff like that made me

really think deep about how much of a threat she was to my immediate

family. After seeing what she had done to my sister, I was terrified

that she would do the same to me. I knew that If I let her know that

I was afraid my whole family was doomed to be terrorized by her. She

wanted (and always wants) money & to get it she will stoop to nearly

any means to get it. Beg, borrow, steal, con, what ever it took to

get the almighty green dollar. I had to make her believe that her

life was in great danger or she would never have left me alone & I

would have become another one of her victims & so would my husband &

children. So I made her think that her life was in danger if she

bothered us in such a manner again. The first time she made the

threat she carried it out, so I know what kind of person she is. We

were lucky in that everyone in the small town knew us & what type of

parents we were & so she was ignored. I made out like it had never

happened for many years when the subject was brought up. She has

never tried it again.

> What would you all have done in my place? Do you think that I was

hard enough or too harsh in my attitude? I stated in another email

that I had told her that I would cut her up into little pieces &

bury her in a hundred different places. Now I doubt that I could

kill anyone, but I am unsure when it comes to my kids & losing them.

Since my husband works out of town & almost always has, my kids are

the glue that holds me together when he is gone. All I know was that

I was desperate. When I got my husband, I quit drinking so much &

when I found out that I was pregnant with my oldest daughter I gave

it all up. I was afraid that if she carried out her I would lose all

I had ever worked so hard for. I had to make her stop. I also moved

away to another state shortly after this incident. Have y'all ever

faced such a thing & if so how did you deal with it & how well did

it work. I already knew that my mother would carry out her threat if

she had to go there personally to lie on me.

> Debbie

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

" Now I doubt that I could kill anyone, but I am unsure when it comes

to my kids & losing them...All I know was that I was desperate...I

was afraid that if she carried out her I would lose all I had ever

worked so hard for. I had to make her stop. "

You know, I really really know how you feel. My nada has never made

threats or tried to take away my kids, but she has been so intrusive

in my life that I really felt my territory & my kids were " in

danger " of being sucked into her bizarre world at one point. After

my last was born, nada insisted on coming to my house unannounced

to " help " --ie, rearrange everything 10 times to her liking, stick

her nose in everything I do or say, rustle through my drawers

looking for her things that she's hidden in them, etc. I finally had

to tell her not to touch anything anymore, which she interpreted

as " I'm kicking you out " . I didn't try to change that impression.

She had my house key & showed up the next week (after several days

of blessed peace alone with my newborn) unannounced, & went straight

to my underwear drawer to look for a gold bracelet she couldn't find

at home. I felt it was an excuse to crowbar her way into my privacy

& shove herself between me & my kids again. I did really feel in my

soul that my baby & I were deeply threatened in a vague and sinister

way, & that she was truly evil; she was in a weird waif/witch mood,

& I didn't trust her. For the first time in my life, as she was

rustling through my things with her back to me, I truly felt that I

could physically hurt her. REALLY hurt her. She was so vulnerable at

that moment & I really FELT the temptation. In fact, if I had not

been holding the baby, I think I could have hit her. It really

really frightened me. Maybe it was a combination of my postpartum

hormones & her violating my boundaries just one-time-too-many, but I

really understand now how some people can snap. I made her leave

immediately & had the locks changed (boy, that's another story, when

she found out!). I was very shaken & cried for a long time. I told

my husband that night that I was deeply afraid to be alone with her

(I had recently told him I thought she was BP, but I didn't tell him

all the above details as I was too ashamed; I WAS deeply afraid.), &

he agreed about the locks.

I think I have also manipulated my nada's paranoias to keep her from

violating my boundaries, like telling her she's going to get hit by

a car if she insists on walking to my house (unfortunately, my nada

lives within a half hour walk from me, she doesn't drive anymore).

Thankfully, since I " kicked her out " , she doesn't dare come over.

Just like a vampire, I guess I'd have to invite her across the

threshold for her to start sucking on my soul again. Not going to

happen, Countess.

So although I don't have specific advice for you, I do want to

validate your feelings about this, since maybe you feel guilty or

like some horrible person, like I did. I totally understand where

you're coming from. Nadas can make us think & feel like no one else

can, especially like a horrible person. It's almost beyond

comprehension to anyone who's never had a nada, I think. My only

answer has been to keep her away from me as much as possible & limit

my contact to the absolute minimum.

> Clear DayHi all,

> I have a couple of questions? While growing up with my mother

> I had to put up with her crap & then go into my room & cry or let

out my anger at her & (or) my stepdad in a quiet manner. I had to

let my anger out quietly e.g biting my pillow as hard as I could &

stuff like that.

> As I got older I tried various ways to deal with her. Her threats

to try to get my kids taken away from me & stuff like that made me

really think deep about how much of a threat she was to my immediate

family. After seeing what she had done to my sister, I was terrified

that she would do the same to me. I knew that If I let her know that

I was afraid my whole family was doomed to be terrorized by her. She

wanted (and always wants) money & to get it she will stoop to nearly

any means to get it. Beg, borrow, steal, con, what ever it took to

get the almighty green dollar. I had to make her believe that her

life was in great danger or she would never have left me alone & I

would have become another one of her victims & so would my husband &

children. So I made her think that her life was in danger if she

bothered us in such a manner again. The first time she made the

threat she carried it out, so I know what kind of person she is. We

were lucky in that everyone in the small town knew us & what type of

parents we were & so she was ignored. I made out like it had never

happened for many years when the subject was brought up. She has

never tried it again.

> What would you all have done in my place? Do you think that I was

hard enough or too harsh in my attitude? I stated in another email

that I had told her that I would cut her up into little pieces &

bury her in a hundred different places. Now I doubt that I could

kill anyone, but I am unsure when it comes to my kids & losing them.

Since my husband works out of town & almost always has, my kids are

the glue that holds me together when he is gone. All I know was that

I was desperate. When I got my husband, I quit drinking so much &

when I found out that I was pregnant with my oldest daughter I gave

it all up. I was afraid that if she carried out her I would lose all

I had ever worked so hard for. I had to make her stop. I also moved

away to another state shortly after this incident. Have y'all ever

faced such a thing & if so how did you deal with it & how well did

it work. I already knew that my mother would carry out her threat if

she had to go there personally to lie on me.

> Debbie

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I live 1000 miles away and it still isn't far enough from her. She's

a whack job, though I think I've been laying boundary after boundary

down for sometime and she's at the point where she's a bit afraid to

even keep in contact w/me b/c I will call her on her crap.

The last time she visited I felt my baby's life in jeopardy b/c of

how she treated me when I was driving to drop her off. I really

wanted to kill her, but know that this is the reaction bps do invoke

in other people. When I was calmed down and finally agreed to talk to

her on the phone, I am most certain I said something to that effect,

like 'now I realize why I use to fantasize about killing you so much

when I was a teenager. you violate boundaries you have no right to

violate and silly me thought I was the 'crazy' one.' Something to

that effect. Well she has yet to call me though I called and talked

for no more than 5 minutes on Mother's Day (first time I really

grieved that holiday, but glad I'm at that point in my life). So

she's not called, sent an anniversary card and I really don't much

care either way. IT would be nice if she got help and read the book I

sent her on BPD, but she enjoys the illness too much and so I am

assuming our relationship is pretty much over or at least only a

super-super-superficial one at best when we are both around other

relatives. I can't say I miss it though it saddens me she acted

interested about learning about bpd and then hasn't seemed to do much

follow up- but more for her. Personally, I'm really glad she's out of

my life.

I like living so far from her. It helps me feel safe. But I also like

knowing I don't have to have anything to do w/her anymore and that it

is okay for me not to even want to anymore. That is the hard part-

the foo's guilt and personal guilt b/c for so long I kept wanting

a 'mom' and pretending she would eventually be one- a real one, not a

lady who gave birth to me but seemed for the most part to always have

wished me dead. I really appreciate adoptive parents and the whole

process as truly who if a KO can't understand that biology does not

equal mother, who else could?

But yes, the urge to kill a nada seems pretty common to me.

K

> Clear DayHi all,

> I have a couple of questions? While growing up with my mother

> I had to put up with her crap & then go into my room & cry or let

out my anger at her & (or) my stepdad in a quiet manner. I had to let

my anger out quietly e.g biting my pillow as hard as I could & stuff

like that.

> As I got older I tried various ways to deal with her. Her threats

to try to get my kids taken away from me & stuff like that made me

really think deep about how much of a threat she was to my immediate

family. After seeing what she had done to my sister, I was terrified

that she would do the same to me. I knew that If I let her know that

I was afraid my whole family was doomed to be terrorized by her. She

wanted (and always wants) money & to get it she will stoop to nearly

any means to get it. Beg, borrow, steal, con, what ever it took to

get the almighty green dollar. I had to make her believe that her

life was in great danger or she would never have left me alone & I

would have become another one of her victims & so would my husband &

children. So I made her think that her life was in danger if she

bothered us in such a manner again. The first time she made the

threat she carried it out, so I know what kind of person she is. We

were lucky in that everyone in the small town knew us & what type of

parents we were & so she was ignored. I made out like it had never

happened for many years when the subject was brought up. She has

never tried it again.

> What would you all have done in my place? Do you think that I was

hard enough or too harsh in my attitude? I stated in another email

that I had told her that I would cut her up into little pieces & bury

her in a hundred different places. Now I doubt that I could kill

anyone, but I am unsure when it comes to my kids & losing them. Since

my husband works out of town & almost always has, my kids are the

glue that holds me together when he is gone. All I know was that I

was desperate. When I got my husband, I quit drinking so much & when

I found out that I was pregnant with my oldest daughter I gave it all

up. I was afraid that if she carried out her I would lose all I had

ever worked so hard for. I had to make her stop. I also moved away to

another state shortly after this incident. Have y'all ever faced such

a thing & if so how did you deal with it & how well did it work. I

already knew that my mother would carry out her threat if she had to

go there personally to lie on me.

> Debbie

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Debbie,

Your Nada sounds like mine. Caution, she may be keeping those emails to use

against you at some future time. Please be careful--she is undoubtedly

pretending to fear you and all the while is " building up her case " . My nada

has recorded phone conversations, kept emails, etc....and then twists things to

make herself appear innocent. My nada would threaten to throw herself down

the steps (while pregnant) and then accuse my father of attempted murder so

he would go to jail. We all lived in fear of her. It has taken me years

but I have finally gotther her out of my life---no easy feat!

Debbie (I joined the list over a year ago).

[Guest guest]

> Caution, she may be keeping those emails to use

> against you at some future time.

Sounds like a good idea to let her keep them. Most of things my

Nada has used against me, she has twisted all up, and it is her word

against mine (guess who is by definition right). If she quotes your

letter against you, insist that she show it to you. She probably

can't, because she has already twisted it around and the actual

letter will prove her wrong.

- Dan