Guest guest Posted December 4, 2004 Report Share Posted December 4, 2004 > I pride myself on > being a very honest person(which I never felt my mom was, even before > I knew about BPD. At least now I can chalk it up to her disease > instead of her character. I try to give her some breaks along the > way. It is hard when there is so much resentment. I think the biggest problem I've had is my mother's issue with honesty. She had always drilled into me that " You're only as good as your word! " Someone that lies is about as low as you can get!!! She will only tolerate being lied to once...and then that person is out of her life! It doesn't matter the type of lie (little white lies meant to spare her feelings are also included...Of course if you're bluntly honest, that can be just as bad, lol). She once cut a friend out of her life because when my mother asked her if she liked a new haircut, the friend replied it looked nice. My mother later found out that the " friend " had actually liked her old haircut better. My mother told me she would never tolerate anyone who lied to her and would never speak to that " friend " again (which she doesn't!). Anyway, when I tried to explain to my mother that her friend hadn't actually lied(her new haircut did look nice, but the old style had looked nicer)...she couldn't understand. She kept saying she would not tolerate anyone treating her like that! Anyway, I always thought my mother was " brutally " honest about EVERYTHING. It wasn't until I was 40 that my mother told me about some huge lies she had told me as I was growing up.(She told me she felt it was finally time for me to know the truth). I don't want to go into detail, but let's just say that I grew up trying to live my life to conform to these " lies " . It was as though someone had " pulled the rug out " from under me. When I said " You mean I have based my whole life around your lies!! " her reponse was that she had done it for my own good !!! It's like she will not tolerate lying. PERIOD. NO EXCEPTIONS. But I'm supposed to be OK with finding out all the lies she's told me. There are never any apologies...because afterall everything she has ever done/told me were done/told because she loves me. If " You're only as good as your word " and then someone learns that you've told some " major " lies...what does that make you? She simply can't understand why I have such a hard time rationalizing what she has done to me and why I feel I can NO LONGER TRUST anything she says/does. When you have lost ALL respect for someone, what's left? How can one person have 2 totally different sets of standards? One for herself and one for everyone else. But then again I guess that gets back into the whole issue of BPD and that vicious cycle thats so hard to rationalize. But then again, I have to ask...is it actually her disease or is it her character? Sorry. Enough of my rambling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 4, 2004 Report Share Posted December 4, 2004 > I pride myself on > being a very honest person(which I never felt my mom was, even before > I knew about BPD. At least now I can chalk it up to her disease > instead of her character. I try to give her some breaks along the > way. It is hard when there is so much resentment. I think the biggest problem I've had is my mother's issue with honesty. She had always drilled into me that " You're only as good as your word! " Someone that lies is about as low as you can get!!! She will only tolerate being lied to once...and then that person is out of her life! It doesn't matter the type of lie (little white lies meant to spare her feelings are also included...Of course if you're bluntly honest, that can be just as bad, lol). She once cut a friend out of her life because when my mother asked her if she liked a new haircut, the friend replied it looked nice. My mother later found out that the " friend " had actually liked her old haircut better. My mother told me she would never tolerate anyone who lied to her and would never speak to that " friend " again (which she doesn't!). Anyway, when I tried to explain to my mother that her friend hadn't actually lied(her new haircut did look nice, but the old style had looked nicer)...she couldn't understand. She kept saying she would not tolerate anyone treating her like that! Anyway, I always thought my mother was " brutally " honest about EVERYTHING. It wasn't until I was 40 that my mother told me about some huge lies she had told me as I was growing up.(She told me she felt it was finally time for me to know the truth). I don't want to go into detail, but let's just say that I grew up trying to live my life to conform to these " lies " . It was as though someone had " pulled the rug out " from under me. When I said " You mean I have based my whole life around your lies!! " her reponse was that she had done it for my own good !!! It's like she will not tolerate lying. PERIOD. NO EXCEPTIONS. But I'm supposed to be OK with finding out all the lies she's told me. There are never any apologies...because afterall everything she has ever done/told me were done/told because she loves me. If " You're only as good as your word " and then someone learns that you've told some " major " lies...what does that make you? She simply can't understand why I have such a hard time rationalizing what she has done to me and why I feel I can NO LONGER TRUST anything she says/does. When you have lost ALL respect for someone, what's left? How can one person have 2 totally different sets of standards? One for herself and one for everyone else. But then again I guess that gets back into the whole issue of BPD and that vicious cycle thats so hard to rationalize. But then again, I have to ask...is it actually her disease or is it her character? Sorry. Enough of my rambling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 4, 2004 Report Share Posted December 4, 2004 > I pride myself on > being a very honest person(which I never felt my mom was, even before > I knew about BPD. At least now I can chalk it up to her disease > instead of her character. I try to give her some breaks along the > way. It is hard when there is so much resentment. I think the biggest problem I've had is my mother's issue with honesty. She had always drilled into me that " You're only as good as your word! " Someone that lies is about as low as you can get!!! She will only tolerate being lied to once...and then that person is out of her life! It doesn't matter the type of lie (little white lies meant to spare her feelings are also included...Of course if you're bluntly honest, that can be just as bad, lol). She once cut a friend out of her life because when my mother asked her if she liked a new haircut, the friend replied it looked nice. My mother later found out that the " friend " had actually liked her old haircut better. My mother told me she would never tolerate anyone who lied to her and would never speak to that " friend " again (which she doesn't!). Anyway, when I tried to explain to my mother that her friend hadn't actually lied(her new haircut did look nice, but the old style had looked nicer)...she couldn't understand. She kept saying she would not tolerate anyone treating her like that! Anyway, I always thought my mother was " brutally " honest about EVERYTHING. It wasn't until I was 40 that my mother told me about some huge lies she had told me as I was growing up.(She told me she felt it was finally time for me to know the truth). I don't want to go into detail, but let's just say that I grew up trying to live my life to conform to these " lies " . It was as though someone had " pulled the rug out " from under me. When I said " You mean I have based my whole life around your lies!! " her reponse was that she had done it for my own good !!! It's like she will not tolerate lying. PERIOD. NO EXCEPTIONS. But I'm supposed to be OK with finding out all the lies she's told me. There are never any apologies...because afterall everything she has ever done/told me were done/told because she loves me. If " You're only as good as your word " and then someone learns that you've told some " major " lies...what does that make you? She simply can't understand why I have such a hard time rationalizing what she has done to me and why I feel I can NO LONGER TRUST anything she says/does. When you have lost ALL respect for someone, what's left? How can one person have 2 totally different sets of standards? One for herself and one for everyone else. But then again I guess that gets back into the whole issue of BPD and that vicious cycle thats so hard to rationalize. But then again, I have to ask...is it actually her disease or is it her character? Sorry. Enough of my rambling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 4, 2004 Report Share Posted December 4, 2004 t00busy2 states; >But then again, I have to ask...is it actually >her disease or is it her character? I have asked myself the same question many times over. I asked the same question of my religious leader. He said he really doesn't know. When I asked a therapist that question he said " Don't even go there. Worry about your own salvation, not hers. " Since I can't change or cure her I think it is good advice. What difference does it really make. The behavior is what it is whether it is a character flaw or the disease. The response we have to give remains the same either way. The therapist also said I would never probably figure it all out, but that I needed to concentrate on my own life and character and let it go. I am trying to do that, after facing the truth of my life. My nada's lies are mostly efforts to manipulate me or whomever. That would be tough to have built your whole life on lies perpetuated by a nada. And NO, I do not trust anything my nada says. I know she lies to herself a ton and finally the lie becomes her truth so how can you trust a person like that. They are so convincing because they really believe the lies. Be good to yourself, Dee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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