Guest guest Posted June 24, 2004 Report Share Posted June 24, 2004 There is so much talk about not judging other people and I am wondering how we, as KO's, can not be quilty of judging others, which I do agree keeps us trapped, and still recover from our BP parent/parents? I read the posts and while I don't feel so alone I do start to bring up old feelings and find myself dwelling on the pain and hurt. Listening to Wayne Dryer (Spelling?)and he makes alot of sence about the reasons for not judging if you value your own mental/spiritual health. Any thoughts? Vicki Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 24, 2004 Report Share Posted June 24, 2004 Hi Vicki, Just a few thoughts about your post. As KOs, we were abused by our BP parent(s). That abuse took different forms, depending upon the BP parent. If not judging means that we should not say that this was wrong, not have angry feelings about what happened, then I disagree with Mr. Dyer. Also, many of us have some idea of what kind of trama/abuse our parent had to deal with as a child. But just because we may understand the cause of their illness, that doesn't excuse their behavior. However, if judging means 'splitting a person all bad' because of what they did, and then keeping that judgement in a way that continues hate, resentment and other bad feelings, then maybe Mr. Dyer is right. I have heard this man speak. I question whether he would say the same things if he knew he was dealing with a person who can wreck such devastation on another human being. I know that for our own emotional health, we have to get past the hate, resentment, etc. But we have to do something with those feelings in order to get past them. Just saying we shouldn't judge doesn't seem enough to me for what I have to deal with. In my family, we weren't allowed to show anger....I have a lifetime of pent up anger that I have to deal with before I can become non- judgemental! Be kind and gentle to yourself, Sylvia > There is so much talk about not judging other people and I am > wondering how we, as KO's, can not be quilty of judging others, > which I do agree keeps us trapped, and still recover from our BP > parent/parents? > I read the posts and while I don't feel so alone I do start to bring > up old feelings and find myself dwelling on the pain and hurt. > Listening to Wayne Dryer (Spelling?)and he makes alot of sence about > the reasons for not judging if you value your own mental/spiritual > health. Any thoughts? Vicki Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 24, 2004 Report Share Posted June 24, 2004 Hi Vicki, Just a few thoughts about your post. As KOs, we were abused by our BP parent(s). That abuse took different forms, depending upon the BP parent. If not judging means that we should not say that this was wrong, not have angry feelings about what happened, then I disagree with Mr. Dyer. Also, many of us have some idea of what kind of trama/abuse our parent had to deal with as a child. But just because we may understand the cause of their illness, that doesn't excuse their behavior. However, if judging means 'splitting a person all bad' because of what they did, and then keeping that judgement in a way that continues hate, resentment and other bad feelings, then maybe Mr. Dyer is right. I have heard this man speak. I question whether he would say the same things if he knew he was dealing with a person who can wreck such devastation on another human being. I know that for our own emotional health, we have to get past the hate, resentment, etc. But we have to do something with those feelings in order to get past them. Just saying we shouldn't judge doesn't seem enough to me for what I have to deal with. In my family, we weren't allowed to show anger....I have a lifetime of pent up anger that I have to deal with before I can become non- judgemental! Be kind and gentle to yourself, Sylvia > There is so much talk about not judging other people and I am > wondering how we, as KO's, can not be quilty of judging others, > which I do agree keeps us trapped, and still recover from our BP > parent/parents? > I read the posts and while I don't feel so alone I do start to bring > up old feelings and find myself dwelling on the pain and hurt. > Listening to Wayne Dryer (Spelling?)and he makes alot of sence about > the reasons for not judging if you value your own mental/spiritual > health. Any thoughts? Vicki Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 25, 2004 Report Share Posted June 25, 2004 When I married my first wife I was aware that Nada had ruined much of my life by always judging me. I was determined not to be that way. What I didn't know was that my wife was also BPD, worse than Nada, but with different external signs: slovenly versus obsessively neat, for example. My refusal to judge her left me at her mercy, and mercy was not part of her being. Several therapists harmed me grievously by teaching me that I should not judge her. They enabled her to continue her work of destruction, and stripped me of any ability to protect myself. I no longer buy the crap that judging is wrong. We have to judge in order to protect ourselves. In order to have justice. In order to survive. We must see with our own eyes, hear with our own ears. We must be very careful to see what the other person is doing, and not our imaginations about it. Nada's judgement was based on her projection of her own self-hatred onto me. There was no sight and no justice in it. It was not about who I was or what I did. - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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