difficulties in showing love to my older kids

[Guest guest]

I have been wondering about why it is so hard for me to hug my older

kids. I can say that I love them, but if they don't make the first

move to hug me, it feels almost impossible to do it.

I had a thought about this an hour ago. I remember how my nada felt

physically and mentally repulsive to me, I can get that, teens revalue

their parents normally also but for me she was this abusive, crazy

lady, who I did not want to hug or let alone speak to. Her behavior

made her ugly to me, althought she was not at all ugly at the outside.

Here I am making myself to be her again, why would my kids think I am

repulsive, more like they feel I am neglecting them and only hugging

the youngest, what an idiot I am. Thank God I still have time to make

a difference!

BM

[Guest guest]

I am still very new to dealing with this, but I think we are all imprinted

to some degree because of what we experienced as children with our fada's

and nada's. I have always thought it interesting that both my brother and I

chose spouses with children from previous marriage. Neither of us has

biological children. While my brother actually adopted his wife's children

and he is the only father they know, I have never had a desire to have

children, and when my husband and I got married his youngest was 19, so its

not like I have any real parenting issues. I can't help but think this is

at least partly due to how we were influenced by having a BP fada.

I suspect this is a worse issue if you have a BP nada rather than BP fada.

My fada's mother was BP, and its very clear how it affected him. He really

has no ability to show love, and doesn't receive love well either. I

remember as a little girl sitting on his lap (once) and it just felt weird,

more like he was tolerating me, rather than like he enjoyed having me be

close. From the outside looking in, its like when somebody's cat or small

dog jumps up in the lap of someone who doesn't want them there, that's how

my fada seemed to react when I was sitting in his lap. Fortunately, my

mother is non-BP, and very loving and a " normal " mother. This allowed my

brother and myself to learn about parental love in a normal way. I think it

also helped that my mother left my fada when I was in college and my brother

was in high school, so we at least received acknowledgement that not all was

right with our home life, rather than trying to believe everything was

normal.

Jeanine

[Guest guest]

There is the big brother program for boys... and we have a similar

system here for kids in day care but with people who are retired, and

time to spear, they visit day care centers and kids are able to

connect with older people. So wouldn't it be nice to be able to get a

new granny for the kids - a nice, responsible one, a granny program?!

BM

> I also have noticed this. I have to *remind* myself to hug my

> daughter and I forget plenty of times. She does not try to hug me on

> her own so maybe she also forgets. She has been tremendously impacted

> by her grandnada so maybe she's turned off from the physical contact

> like I had been. But when I do remember to hug her she likes it. She

> is 14 and knows how weird her grandnada is and also wants to know if

> she can ever find a normal grandmother. Anyone know of any for rent?

> hee hee

>

>

> Theresa

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

There is the big brother program for boys... and we have a similar

system here for kids in day care but with people who are retired, and

time to spear, they visit day care centers and kids are able to

connect with older people. So wouldn't it be nice to be able to get a

new granny for the kids - a nice, responsible one, a granny program?!

BM

> I also have noticed this. I have to *remind* myself to hug my

> daughter and I forget plenty of times. She does not try to hug me on

> her own so maybe she also forgets. She has been tremendously impacted

> by her grandnada so maybe she's turned off from the physical contact

> like I had been. But when I do remember to hug her she likes it. She

> is 14 and knows how weird her grandnada is and also wants to know if

> she can ever find a normal grandmother. Anyone know of any for rent?

> hee hee

>

>

> Theresa

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Jeanine,

I think you could be right about the children issue. I have an aunt

from my fathers side who never wanted to have children, and the reason

was that their mother was paranoid. Her husband has grown up kids, so

it was not a problem for him either.

BM

> I am still very new to dealing with this, but I think we are all

imprinted

> to some degree because of what we experienced as children with our

fada's

> and nada's. I have always thought it interesting that both my

brother and I

> chose spouses with children from previous marriage. Neither of us has

> biological children. While my brother actually adopted his wife's

children

> and he is the only father they know, I have never had a desire to have

> children, and when my husband and I got married his youngest was 19,

so its

> not like I have any real parenting issues. I can't help but think

this is

> at least partly due to how we were influenced by having a BP fada.

>

> I suspect this is a worse issue if you have a BP nada rather than BP

fada.

> My fada's mother was BP, and its very clear how it affected him. He

really

> has no ability to show love, and doesn't receive love well either. I

> remember as a little girl sitting on his lap (once) and it just felt

weird,

> more like he was tolerating me, rather than like he enjoyed having me be

> close. From the outside looking in, its like when somebody's cat or

small

> dog jumps up in the lap of someone who doesn't want them there,

that's how

> my fada seemed to react when I was sitting in his lap. Fortunately, my

> mother is non-BP, and very loving and a " normal " mother. This

allowed my

> brother and myself to learn about parental love in a normal way. I

think it

> also helped that my mother left my fada when I was in college and my

brother

> was in high school, so we at least received acknowledgement that not

all was

> right with our home life, rather than trying to believe everything was

> normal.

>

> Jeanine