Re: Re: S'more on BPD. . .

[Guest guest]

Marie Lavallee wrote:

> cntbreathe, Edith anyone else reading,

> My comment on the HF/LF is that mine goes through

> phases. If she has someone to " beat up " ,

> control, do her work ect, she does ok and is more

> HF, however as people leave her abandon her she

> goes to a low functioner because she looses her

> crutch. Is this typical of all borderlines?

Yes. Having an 'enabler' or someone to boss around makes the BP feel

more IN CONTROL. Without the enabler, they seem to wither into waif-hood

cuz they can't take responsibility for stuff. Its like they revert back

to childhood ways of dealing with stuff -- ie, " Help me, help me, I'm

just a little kid " and then someone feels sorry for them and the cycle

resumes.

> The other observation with mine that I was

> wondering if anyone else saw was an apparetn

> disreguard for time or loosing track of time on a

> regular basis, for example if I have to be home

> because the gas guy is coming, she disregards it

> and we have to go to lunch now some imaginary

> person is going to let the gas guy in (luckily

> the apartment complex did let them in otherwise I

> would have gone wihtout gas fora few more days).

My mother was always late for everything. Of course, she got her kicks

out of making a grand entrance -- ie, her NPD stuff (eg, the queen has

arrived!). As a kid, my sister and I were always late for school. Our

nada always had something that interfered with our getting out of the

house on time.

> Another example (this happened right before

> detatchment is nada wanted to go out to lunch,

> this means hours and usually follows an

> invitation I turn down called goin to her house.

> I've worked 48 hours this week just at work, not

> to mention band and dog school, I'm tired and

> have my own housework to get done and other

> things I'd like to get done I can't go out wiht

> you. THen she starts callign every day leaving

> stupid messages on my machine " are you ok? " " did

> I do something? " not realizing that no means no

> and I'm thinking do you have any idea how many

> hours in a day/week and that I'm currently

> overwhelmed by your demands? I know mine doesn't

> anyone else's?

Yes, BP's can be terribly inconsiderate. Its always just about THEM.

Others are supposed to be at the BP's beck and call to serve the BP.

And, if you don't then (from behind the BP's eyeballs) there's something

wrong with you. This stuff is all variations on the BP's projections,

splitting, rationalization (ie, telling lies and re-writing history),

and denial. These are the BP's (ego) defense mechanism 'filters' through

which they process information.

- Edith

[Guest guest]

Marie Lavallee wrote:

> cntbreathe, Edith anyone else reading,

> My comment on the HF/LF is that mine goes through

> phases. If she has someone to " beat up " ,

> control, do her work ect, she does ok and is more

> HF, however as people leave her abandon her she

> goes to a low functioner because she looses her

> crutch. Is this typical of all borderlines?

Yes. Having an 'enabler' or someone to boss around makes the BP feel

more IN CONTROL. Without the enabler, they seem to wither into waif-hood

cuz they can't take responsibility for stuff. Its like they revert back

to childhood ways of dealing with stuff -- ie, " Help me, help me, I'm

just a little kid " and then someone feels sorry for them and the cycle

resumes.

> The other observation with mine that I was

> wondering if anyone else saw was an apparetn

> disreguard for time or loosing track of time on a

> regular basis, for example if I have to be home

> because the gas guy is coming, she disregards it

> and we have to go to lunch now some imaginary

> person is going to let the gas guy in (luckily

> the apartment complex did let them in otherwise I

> would have gone wihtout gas fora few more days).

My mother was always late for everything. Of course, she got her kicks

out of making a grand entrance -- ie, her NPD stuff (eg, the queen has

arrived!). As a kid, my sister and I were always late for school. Our

nada always had something that interfered with our getting out of the

house on time.

> Another example (this happened right before

> detatchment is nada wanted to go out to lunch,

> this means hours and usually follows an

> invitation I turn down called goin to her house.

> I've worked 48 hours this week just at work, not

> to mention band and dog school, I'm tired and

> have my own housework to get done and other

> things I'd like to get done I can't go out wiht

> you. THen she starts callign every day leaving

> stupid messages on my machine " are you ok? " " did

> I do something? " not realizing that no means no

> and I'm thinking do you have any idea how many

> hours in a day/week and that I'm currently

> overwhelmed by your demands? I know mine doesn't

> anyone else's?

Yes, BP's can be terribly inconsiderate. Its always just about THEM.

Others are supposed to be at the BP's beck and call to serve the BP.

And, if you don't then (from behind the BP's eyeballs) there's something

wrong with you. This stuff is all variations on the BP's projections,

splitting, rationalization (ie, telling lies and re-writing history),

and denial. These are the BP's (ego) defense mechanism 'filters' through

which they process information.

- Edith

[Guest guest]

smhtrain2 wrote:

> As far as understanding that 'no means no', I guess most BP parents

> just don't believe us when we talk to them, because their perceptions

> are usually so confused. So, so frustrating trying to find some

> common understand. I just can't do that with my nada.

Hi Sylvia,

Looking back, as a little KO and then the wife of a BPD/NPD, I knew I

was supposed to be voiceless. After a couple of years on these lists I

started to get my own voice - just like Lawson says in UBM.

Hah, if my nada (and hubby) could see me now!

- Edith

[Guest guest]

smhtrain2 wrote:

> As far as understanding that 'no means no', I guess most BP parents

> just don't believe us when we talk to them, because their perceptions

> are usually so confused. So, so frustrating trying to find some

> common understand. I just can't do that with my nada.

Hi Sylvia,

Looking back, as a little KO and then the wife of a BPD/NPD, I knew I

was supposed to be voiceless. After a couple of years on these lists I

started to get my own voice - just like Lawson says in UBM.

Hah, if my nada (and hubby) could see me now!

- Edith

[Guest guest]

Marie Lavallee wrote:

> Is this common problem for KO and their nada's

> friends to have nada run between instead of doign

> it herself? If it is it means I'm even more

> right for staying out it forces her to take care

> of her.

Hi Marie,

Yes, lots of waif nadas play that game. Like Lawson says, " Feeling sorry

for the waif is the worst possible reaction to her self-defeating

behavior. (p216) "

You might want to re-read chapter 9 of UBM ( " Loving the Waif Without

Rescuing Her " ).

- Edith