Guest guest Posted May 10, 2004 Report Share Posted May 10, 2004 Hi folks! I just started a job at a middle school, and many of the children have fathers who left the scene early or who were so dysfunctional and abusive that they were kicked out when the child was tiny. I find that working with these kids is bringing me waves of grief for the relationship with my own " fada " --that is my father with BPD, who did stay and support us financially, but who scared us often. When I follow the grief back to the core, I keep finding memories of suffocating, coming from way back before I can remember in words--from soon after I was born, when my neck wasn't strong yet--and I associate these suffocation memories with him, not with my mother, who was non-BPD. I don't know how my father held me physically back then, but maybe he was careless or something. But he still tells me over and over how poor they were, and how much he hates my mother's mother for not helping them more emotionally and financially at that time. Maybe at some level he wished at the time that I had not been born. Anyway, I just keep physically remembering suffocating, during these recent waves of grief, but can't remember the context of the suffocation. Later, when it was time for me to learn to swim when I was four, I refused to put my head underwater--again I was mortally afraid of suffocating. I wonder if it is normal for kids of BPDs to have these unpleasant memories in their bodies, that they don't know what the origin is. My brother and sisters, who were all split bad by my BPD father, all suffer from bad asthma; they literally suffocate sometimes and have to go to the hospital for bad attacks. I keep hoping that the grief is just working its way out in a healthy way, that its advent isn't a sign that I am just not suited to the job. Alana. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 11, 2004 Report Share Posted May 11, 2004 Hi Alana. I could relate to much o your post. I work with emotionally disturbed children and their families. For a few years I was overwhelmed by the grief, theres and mine. I too had the thought that I was not suited to the job but realized at some point that it was precisely bec of my history that I was in fact perfect for the job. Perhaps you are suited for the work for them (kids) and yourself? N > Hi folks! I just started a job at a middle school, and many of the children > have fathers who left the scene early or who were so dysfunctional and > abusive that they were kicked out when the child was tiny. I find that > working with these kids is bringing me waves of grief for the relationship > with my own " fada " --that is my father with BPD, who did stay and support us > financially, but who scared us often. When I follow the grief back to the > core, I keep finding memories of suffocating, coming from way back before I > can remember in words--from soon after I was born, when my neck wasn't > strong yet--and I associate these suffocation memories with him, not with my > mother, who was non-BPD. I don't know how my father held me physically back > then, but maybe he was careless or something. But he still tells me over > and over how poor they were, and how much he hates my mother's mother for > not helping them more emotionally and financially at that time. Maybe at > some level he wished at the time that I had not been born. Anyway, I just > keep physically remembering suffocating, during these recent waves of grief, > but can't remember the context of the suffocation. Later, when it was time > for me to learn to swim when I was four, I refused to put my head > underwater--again I was mortally afraid of suffocating. I wonder if it is > normal for kids of BPDs to have these unpleasant memories in their bodies, > that they don't know what the origin is. My brother and sisters, who were > all split bad by my BPD father, all suffer from bad asthma; they literally > suffocate sometimes and have to go to the hospital for bad attacks. > I keep hoping that the grief is just working its way out in a healthy way, > that its advent isn't a sign that I am just not suited to the job. > Alana. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 11, 2004 Report Share Posted May 11, 2004 Hi Alana. I could relate to much o your post. I work with emotionally disturbed children and their families. For a few years I was overwhelmed by the grief, theres and mine. I too had the thought that I was not suited to the job but realized at some point that it was precisely bec of my history that I was in fact perfect for the job. Perhaps you are suited for the work for them (kids) and yourself? N > Hi folks! I just started a job at a middle school, and many of the children > have fathers who left the scene early or who were so dysfunctional and > abusive that they were kicked out when the child was tiny. I find that > working with these kids is bringing me waves of grief for the relationship > with my own " fada " --that is my father with BPD, who did stay and support us > financially, but who scared us often. When I follow the grief back to the > core, I keep finding memories of suffocating, coming from way back before I > can remember in words--from soon after I was born, when my neck wasn't > strong yet--and I associate these suffocation memories with him, not with my > mother, who was non-BPD. I don't know how my father held me physically back > then, but maybe he was careless or something. But he still tells me over > and over how poor they were, and how much he hates my mother's mother for > not helping them more emotionally and financially at that time. Maybe at > some level he wished at the time that I had not been born. Anyway, I just > keep physically remembering suffocating, during these recent waves of grief, > but can't remember the context of the suffocation. Later, when it was time > for me to learn to swim when I was four, I refused to put my head > underwater--again I was mortally afraid of suffocating. I wonder if it is > normal for kids of BPDs to have these unpleasant memories in their bodies, > that they don't know what the origin is. My brother and sisters, who were > all split bad by my BPD father, all suffer from bad asthma; they literally > suffocate sometimes and have to go to the hospital for bad attacks. > I keep hoping that the grief is just working its way out in a healthy way, > that its advent isn't a sign that I am just not suited to the job. > Alana. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 11, 2004 Report Share Posted May 11, 2004 Hi Alana. I could relate to much o your post. I work with emotionally disturbed children and their families. For a few years I was overwhelmed by the grief, theres and mine. I too had the thought that I was not suited to the job but realized at some point that it was precisely bec of my history that I was in fact perfect for the job. Perhaps you are suited for the work for them (kids) and yourself? N > Hi folks! I just started a job at a middle school, and many of the children > have fathers who left the scene early or who were so dysfunctional and > abusive that they were kicked out when the child was tiny. I find that > working with these kids is bringing me waves of grief for the relationship > with my own " fada " --that is my father with BPD, who did stay and support us > financially, but who scared us often. When I follow the grief back to the > core, I keep finding memories of suffocating, coming from way back before I > can remember in words--from soon after I was born, when my neck wasn't > strong yet--and I associate these suffocation memories with him, not with my > mother, who was non-BPD. I don't know how my father held me physically back > then, but maybe he was careless or something. But he still tells me over > and over how poor they were, and how much he hates my mother's mother for > not helping them more emotionally and financially at that time. Maybe at > some level he wished at the time that I had not been born. Anyway, I just > keep physically remembering suffocating, during these recent waves of grief, > but can't remember the context of the suffocation. Later, when it was time > for me to learn to swim when I was four, I refused to put my head > underwater--again I was mortally afraid of suffocating. I wonder if it is > normal for kids of BPDs to have these unpleasant memories in their bodies, > that they don't know what the origin is. My brother and sisters, who were > all split bad by my BPD father, all suffer from bad asthma; they literally > suffocate sometimes and have to go to the hospital for bad attacks. > I keep hoping that the grief is just working its way out in a healthy way, > that its advent isn't a sign that I am just not suited to the job. > Alana. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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