Re: My mother died suddenly..Carol

April 18, 2004

Carol,

Thanks for the support. I don't know how to feel about all of this

right now. I know she really didn't want to be here anymore after my

dad died two years ago. I am glad she is finally at peace. She had a

rough experience here on earth. I have never hated her but I chose to

end contact for my own health and well being and so that I could heal

and be my real self. I don't regret that at all. I spoke with my

brother on the phone and he was talking about how he wasn't around as

much as he should've been, etc. and I was thinking I don't feel

guilty because I did what I had to do and maybe now she understands.

So I guess how I feel in this moment is glad she is at peace, glad

that the uncertainty of the future with her is over. What I mean is,

that I don't have to wonder if she will become sick and I will have

to try and resume contact and wonder what that will do to me, or that

she would end up in a nursing home or some other fate that she would

have hated. I guess that part of it is a relief because she was so

miserable and I couldn't help her and so maybe sometimes it is a

relief even though that may sound awful to some....I am in such a

different place than my siblings, they are crying and I am thinking I

went through all of this over the last year when I was realizing that

in almost every sense of the word she was already dead to me. Kinda

like when a relationship dies and we know it is dead and we grieve it

and when we finally walk out the door we aren't crying because we've

already been through it all. I don't really feel much right now. I am

not suppressing my feelings, I just feel almost indifferent but not

in a hateful or cold way..its weird..its like a relief and that is

hard to admit but it feels like a relief for everyone involved

including her. I know what you're saying about the foo, they don't

understand my take on this and I am sure they are a little angry that

I haven't been around in a year and maybe they might project that but

I know the truth. Also, I absolutely refuse to go to a viewing ever

again. I did it with my dad and seeing him lying there in the casket

was like some kind of torture and I vowed never again. I don't like

any part of the traditional funeral rituals so I may not attend

certain parts of it. I don't think I can sleep so I might post

later......

>

> > I got a call an hour ago from my sister and she found my mom

(can't

> > bring myself to say nada tonight)dead in her house. I don't know

much

> > more about how or when exactly but I was very calm and not crying

on

> > the phone as my sis told me. I have grieved the loss of her for

the

> > last year even tho she was alive and I am glad that she is no

longer

> > suffering. I hadn't spoken with her in one year and went through

so

> > much grieving in the past year that in some ways she was already

gone

> > to me. Anyway, I knew you guys would understand..more

later......

April 22, 2004

,

I wasn't able to respond last week. I just wanted to let you know

that you are dealing with this very well. It is difficult and

different for a KO when the BP parent dies. Much of what we do in the

traditional grieving process doesn't work, because nothing is

traditional about the relationship with the BP. As you said, you

have already grieved the loss of a mother. My therapist and I

discussed this same thing several months ago. I stated that I didn't

think I would feel guilt or much grief when my nada passed. T agreed

with me, saying it is because I have already dealt with this in

therapy.

I hope you will get the comfort you need during this time.

Sylvia

>

> Carol,

> Thanks for the support. I don't know how to feel about all of this

> right now. I know she really didn't want to be here anymore after

my

> dad died two years ago. I am glad she is finally at peace. She had

a

> rough experience here on earth. I have never hated her but I chose

to

> end contact for my own health and well being and so that I could

heal

> and be my real self. I don't regret that at all. I spoke with my

> brother on the phone and he was talking about how he wasn't around

as

> much as he should've been, etc. and I was thinking I don't feel

> guilty because I did what I had to do and maybe now she

understands.

> So I guess how I feel in this moment is glad she is at peace, glad

> that the uncertainty of the future with her is over. What I mean

is,

> that I don't have to wonder if she will become sick and I will have

> to try and resume contact and wonder what that will do to me, or

that

> she would end up in a nursing home or some other fate that she

would

> have hated. I guess that part of it is a relief because she was so

> miserable and I couldn't help her and so maybe sometimes it is a

> relief even though that may sound awful to some....I am in such a

> different place than my siblings, they are crying and I am thinking

I

> went through all of this over the last year when I was realizing

that

> in almost every sense of the word she was already dead to me. Kinda

> like when a relationship dies and we know it is dead and we grieve

it

> and when we finally walk out the door we aren't crying because

we've

> already been through it all. I don't really feel much right now. I

am

> not suppressing my feelings, I just feel almost indifferent but not

> in a hateful or cold way..its weird..its like a relief and that is

> hard to admit but it feels like a relief for everyone involved

> including her. I know what you're saying about the foo, they don't

> understand my take on this and I am sure they are a little angry

that

> I haven't been around in a year and maybe they might project that

but

> I know the truth. Also, I absolutely refuse to go to a viewing ever

> again. I did it with my dad and seeing him lying there in the

casket

> was like some kind of torture and I vowed never again. I don't like

> any part of the traditional funeral rituals so I may not attend

> certain parts of it. I don't think I can sleep so I might post

> later......

>

April 22, 2004