Re: Body identity-Dan

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 5/11/04 7:56:44 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

danc19fr@... writes:

I learned something new about the effect of Body Integrity Identity

Disorder on me as a child. My sister told me that I used to involve

her in my games of pretending to be one-legged or blind. This must

have been when I was around 10 years old. They were fun games to

her but not as meaningful as they were to me.

- Dan

Dan is there any memory of either of your parents encouraging/praising, or

discouraging/demeaning those amputee/pretend games?

I'm also wondering if there was an amputee in your childhood family; someone

who may have had an impression on you at a very young age. Carol

[Guest guest]

Carol,

I don't think my parents were aware of my disability pretending

games. They weren't aware of anything I did as long as it didn't

make noise.

When I was about 6 an older friend bought a pair of crutches to play

with (I wonder if he had BIID?). I wanted crutches too and pestered

my mother. She disparaged the idea, me, and my friend " who will

never amount to anything " .

Having quit medication, I am again on a roller coaster. On

medication I felt half alive and I won't accept that. My therapist

says it might take a month to get completely free of the effects of

medication. Sometimes I think what a stupid thing it would be to

choose to be an amputee - it would fill life with nuisances and I

would have to give up doing some things that I enjoy. Then I fall

into a terrible depression, thinking that if I don't become an

amputee there is no point in continuing to live. My mother's curse

plays itself in my head: when I was 3 or 4 she used to tell me that

I would die and go into nothingness, and that I would look forward

to dying. It was a horror more than I could bear. I guess at that

time I was already fascinated by the idea of disability, and I

bargained with myself that if I were disabled I would be free of my

mother's curse. I would no longer belong to her. The small child

in me still has that terror, and nothing I do can reach him. My

therapist says I have made a lot of progress and I should continue

with the process of dream analysis, eventually I will reach the

abandoned inner child. I am continuing for want of anything else to

do.

I met a fellow who recently had his leg amputated voluntarily. He

says he feels like he was reborn. It is shocking but tempting.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Dan, don't let me project anything here that doesn't seem 'real'. I confess

to extravagant speculations about things which I want to understand. Your

search for your truth is possibly the most compelling that I've encountered.

Is it possible that you may have suppressed an early memory of your nada or

fada dismembering you 'emotionally' through teasing, criticism of physical

attributes, humiliation related to appearance or ability?

Did your parents resent your dependence upon them, insinuate similarities of

childhood needs with being incapably 'handicapped'? Is it feasible that they

may have threatened you with amputation at some time in your very early life;

taking away some part of you that represented your independence of them?

Could this intimidation cause a young child, even a toddler, to wish to

become what his parents imply he should be...incomplete...to be finally

acceptable

to them/not a threat?

I'm fascinated your therapist is investigating your dreams; sometimes our

brains are simply 'cleaning house' during sleep...and other times it is figuring

things out. Carol

In a message dated 5/12/04 4:35:34 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

danc19fr@... writes:

Carol,

I don't think my parents were aware of my disability pretending

games. They weren't aware of anything I did as long as it didn't

make noise.

When I was about 6 an older friend bought a pair of crutches to play

with (I wonder if he had BIID?). I wanted crutches too and pestered

my mother. She disparaged the idea, me, and my friend " who will

never amount to anything " .

Having quit medication, I am again on a roller coaster. On

medication I felt half alive and I won't accept that. My therapist

says it might take a month to get completely free of the effects of

medication. Sometimes I think what a stupid thing it would be to

choose to be an amputee - it would fill life with nuisances and I

would have to give up doing some things that I enjoy. Then I fall

into a terrible depression, thinking that if I don't become an

amputee there is no point in continuing to live. My mother's curse

plays itself in my head: when I was 3 or 4 she used to tell me that

I would die and go into nothingness, and that I would look forward

to dying. It was a horror more than I could bear. I guess at that

time I was already fascinated by the idea of disability, and I

bargained with myself that if I were disabled I would be free of my

mother's curse. I would no longer belong to her. The small child

in me still has that terror, and nothing I do can reach him. My

therapist says I have made a lot of progress and I should continue

with the process of dream analysis, eventually I will reach the

abandoned inner child. I am continuing for want of anything else to

do.

I met a fellow who recently had his leg amputated voluntarily. He

says he feels like he was reborn. It is shocking but tempting.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Carol,

The things you mention: my parents putting me down to the point of

amputating my personality, their resentment of my dependence on them,

humiliation of my abilities - are all real, and have all come up in

therapy. Threats of amputation: my mother said I would " break my

leg " whenever I ran or played, before I knew that there was any way

to break my leg besides break it off.

The question is, knowing these things, how can it help me overcome

them? The feeling remains strong.

At the conference in New York I met one person who said that with

therapy she has reached the point where she can accept that this is

not the time in her life to become an amputee. I can't reach that

point, but maybe it is a more realistic goal for therapy than to try

to get over needing it.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Dan, maybe a goal of therapy can be giving yourself permission to feel OK

about having this persistent need; accept that 'the feeling of it' is itself

fulfilling.

We all have unexplainable 'needs', responses that protected our early selves

from harsher realities. It seems to me an assault on our adult psyche to say,

'you cannot/should not feel that anymore'...'even though it worked very well

for you then'.

The 'feeling need' itself being a different matter and separate from the

consequences of 'actual amputation', is it possible to stop threatening 'the

feeling/the child who still feels it' with eradication, for the purpose of

getting

a bit closer, to understand? Let the feeling/child communicate to you; rather

than saying 'no' to the child's feelings, simply listen?

Carol

In a message dated 5/13/04 12:18:58 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

danc19fr@... writes:

Carol,

The things you mention: my parents putting me down to the point of

amputating my personality, their resentment of my dependence on them,

humiliation of my abilities - are all real, and have all come up in

therapy. Threats of amputation: my mother said I would " break my

leg " whenever I ran or played, before I knew that there was any way

to break my leg besides break it off.

The question is, knowing these things, how can it help me overcome

them? The feeling remains strong.

At the conference in New York I met one person who said that with

therapy she has reached the point where she can accept that this is

not the time in her life to become an amputee. I can't reach that

point, but maybe it is a more realistic goal for therapy than to try

to get over needing it.

- Dan