Re: Reaching out is painfull

[Guest guest]

> Missy, good for you that you were truthful sent your mom that

email. I too have a ubpd mom and am currently not speaking with her

for the last 15 months or so (it's not really my doing...mom fails

to acknowledge any of the facts surrounding our last blowout that

caused our current rift. I've spelled it out to mom in the most

heartfelt and honest way possible via email to hopefully at least

have her acknowledge that I exist too...that I have feelings and my

feelings have a right to be heard and acknowledged...I have a right

to NOT BE WRONG all the time. She flatly refuses to accept any

responsibility for anything...it's me that mean, cruel and downright

hateful. I am of course all of those things because I declined a

dinner invitation. That's completely nuts I know but I lived 38

years thinking that declining a dinner invitation or whatever were

in fact hurtful actions on my part. I've walked on eggshells for

years...not anymore. I'm done.

>

> I just left my second therapy session and I touched on the topic

of my mom and the details briefly. I don't think my therapist

really knows much about bpd...I was getting the distinct impression

that I'm still supposed to send mothers day cards, call on her bday,

etc etc. My T said that rationalizing that maybe in the end I won't

feel guilty because I'm " doing the right things by sending cards,

etc etc.). I'm kind of surprised that my T would have a strong

opinion about what I should do w/o having 99% of the facts yet. I'm

not going to let that bother me because it seems to solidfy my

opinion that most everyone thinks " you're SUPPOSED to have a

relationship with your parents, no matter what).

>

> We'll see...basically it boils down to the fact that I'm tired of

having to walk on eggshells around my mom...I'm tired of always

being wrong...I'm tired of not having my feelings/needs met or

validated...I'm tired of feeling the effects of the FOG (fear,

obligation, guilt). I'm tired of being reminded over and over that

I am loved conditionally, provided I do whatever she needs at the

time. I'm tired of the tears, the oh poor me games, the endless

doctor visits she makes without a diagnosis...I'm tired of my step

dad's looks of disapproval. He tells me that " I have to learn to

bend a little " ....bend a little? I've bent over backwards and then

some trying to make mom happy...unfortunately I realize that mom

likely will never be happy and I most certainly can do nothing to

fill that wide open pit of emptiness she feels on a daily basis.

>

> Missy, I wish you good luck and support in your efforts to work on

your relationship with your mom...I'm about to do the same and

suggest that my mom go with me to counseling...I sincerely doubt

that she will agree (she'll cite her " declining health " as the

reason, as well as " I can't take any more of your anger " ). I

haven't shown her anger...I haven't attacked her...I've simply tried

to address the issues. Mom wants the " old Mike " back...well she

can't have that person because I simply can't live that way anymore.

>

> With love, Mike

Mike,

Yeh..heartfelt reaching out. Doing the right thing. Sending the

cards and giving undue respect. I did that for years thinking that

it might make a difference. All I got was disrespect and a feeling of

being used. Mike..you believe that you are a caring person from your

message and you did deserve a mother who could love you. I hope you

can see that and don't take a grudge against the powers that be that

you were not given the love you deserve from your mother. Sometimes

I just can not understand why, if I am a caring person, why I have

to go through life without the love that others have had from their

family but I just go on somehow and it all turns out good in the

end with the help from others. I know it is not much from a

cyberspace person to say but I

know you are fine from your comments and don't ever stop believing

in yourself.

I know it means a lot..... so much love to you too!

Missy

[Guest guest]

A few years ago I reached the end of the line with my Nada. There is

no reasoning. I tried keeping her way at a distance, but that

doesn't work either. When I think of trying to change her, it just

brings me down further into despair. Freeing her to rot in her own

living grave is the only way I have been able to feel any peace here

while I'M still alive.

She's free to do what she wants -- just NOT free to bother me anymore.

Barb T.

> Hello all,

> Haven't been back for centuries but thought I might add my two

> cents. Mother is 65 years old now and I have still not given up I

> have been relentless at trying to get through to her and have been

> ostrisized by my whole family. Here is a letter that I wrote to

her.

> > To get along with me or anyone else you need to know what the

> boundaries are. We all have them and respect them to avoid

problems.

> You are not above these. Nor is anyone else. If you don't know the

> boundaries, can't, won't or refuse to follow them then the problems

> with people will just continue.

> You can verbally slam me all day to anyone in my family you like in

> retaliation for telling you these things but it will not make a

> difference, I guess you have seen that. Nor will I ever let you

tell

> me bad things about them. You cannot control me in that way. This

> might work on some people but it won't work on me. Cry to me all

you

> like about what my youngest brother says or does and see what it

> gets you. Never ever mention my sisters name like she doesn't even

> exist and watch me speak up in her behalf. Tell me that my other

> brother is the only perfect child you have because he can't see

what

> you are doing and hear me protest at the top of my lungs on behalf

> of the others. I have never let these games work with me that is

> part of the problem between us. I won't play the game. If someone

> does something to me directly then I will deal with that person.

You

> need to learn that people skill in the worst way. And yes you can

> say that I am doing things the same way by sending out this letter

> to everyone but at least now you will listen. You have been the one

> to involve the whole family for years and years by going from one

> person to the other spreading crap about whoever it is you are

upset

> with for the day and now I am addressing that. At least now our

> family will know that you need to talk to people you have a problem

> with directly and at least that part of your own " trap " will end.

> Now everyone should know to be honest and out in the open with

> things before the hurricane strikes. I hope this puts an end to the

> lies, games, threats, false tears to try to get things back to the

> way they were. I like myself, my children, my home, my job and my

> life and what I have done with it and will be doing with it. My

> friends like me and I have God on my side. Nothing you can ever say

> or do will change that. I am too strong for you to try the ways you

> like to use, basically making fun of everything about me. Maybe you

> need to turn the mirror around and see whom it is you are really

> making fun of, because the reflection you have tried to give to me

> about myself is false.

>

> I hope you understand that this is not an attempt to create more

> problems but to solve them. You never listen to me before. Never,

> ever call to work things out.

> I hope someday you can find peace..but it won't be by mutilating

> mine.

[Guest guest]

Hi Barb,

Thanks for your reply. Are you older with grown children? The reason

I ask is that my nada has made me " relive " the whole life with my

original Foo through my grown children. I have lived in bliss

without her control for years and then the powers that be desided to

let me know that it was not over yet.

Missy

> > Hello all,

> > Haven't been back for centuries but thought I might add my two

> > cents. Mother is 65 years old now and I have still not given up

I

> > have been relentless at trying to get through to her and have

been

> > ostrisized by my whole family. Here is a letter that I wrote to

> her.

> > > To get along with me or anyone else you need to know what the

> > boundaries are. We all have them and respect them to avoid

> problems.

> > You are not above these. Nor is anyone else. If you don't know

the

> > boundaries, can't, won't or refuse to follow them then the

problems

> > with people will just continue.

> > You can verbally slam me all day to anyone in my family you like

in

> > retaliation for telling you these things but it will not make a

> > difference, I guess you have seen that. Nor will I ever let you

> tell

> > me bad things about them. You cannot control me in that way.

This

> > might work on some people but it won't work on me. Cry to me all

> you

> > like about what my youngest brother says or does and see what it

> > gets you. Never ever mention my sisters name like she doesn't

even

> > exist and watch me speak up in her behalf. Tell me that my other

> > brother is the only perfect child you have because he can't see

> what

> > you are doing and hear me protest at the top of my lungs on

behalf

> > of the others. I have never let these games work with me that is

> > part of the problem between us. I won't play the game. If

someone

> > does something to me directly then I will deal with that person.

> You

> > need to learn that people skill in the worst way. And yes you

can

> > say that I am doing things the same way by sending out this

letter

> > to everyone but at least now you will listen. You have been the

one

> > to involve the whole family for years and years by going from

one

> > person to the other spreading crap about whoever it is you are

> upset

> > with for the day and now I am addressing that. At least now our

> > family will know that you need to talk to people you have a

problem

> > with directly and at least that part of your own " trap " will

end.

> > Now everyone should know to be honest and out in the open with

> > things before the hurricane strikes. I hope this puts an end to

the

> > lies, games, threats, false tears to try to get things back to

the

> > way they were. I like myself, my children, my home, my job and

my

> > life and what I have done with it and will be doing with it. My

> > friends like me and I have God on my side. Nothing you can ever

say

> > or do will change that. I am too strong for you to try the ways

you

> > like to use, basically making fun of everything about me. Maybe

you

> > need to turn the mirror around and see whom it is you are really

> > making fun of, because the reflection you have tried to give to

me

> > about myself is false.

> >

> > I hope you understand that this is not an attempt to create more

> > problems but to solve them. You never listen to me before.

Never,

> > ever call to work things out.

> > I hope someday you can find peace..but it won't be by mutilating

> > mine.