I agree,

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I agree with what you said about Nada's around our kids. When my son

was 5 and Nada was having one of her usual holidays blowouts (and

I'm not talking about a party), he said, " Grandma needs a time out! "

I have limited the amount of time that he spends with Nada. She is

okay with him when I am not around- her deal with him is that she

keeps him so busy doing fun stuff- she has to be the perfect Grandma

after all. She really only is cruel when I am with my son- saying

mean things to me..about my parenting, etc. Now that I know about

BPD, I am prepared to set boundries for her next visit.

Since my son is older, we discuss how what she says is wrong and not

nice, and inappropriate. The last time she went into a rage at our

house, my son calmly walked past raging Nada and asked if he could

go outside to play. After that tantrum, she has been on her best

behavior, so we were okay with our son spending 2 1/2 days with her.

That is all she will ever get though-just those 2 1/2 days a year.

The only way we will let him spend more time with her is if she

takes him on a supervised trip surrounded by other adults...like a

Dude Ranch or a Grandparents camp. She is always well behaved around

other adults.

This year she wanted to take him on a driving trip halfway across

the country. We said, no, she could fly to her destination with him.

Then we said that I would be there for at least half of the trip- to

protect him from her manic cramming in of everything possible- she

didn't like those restrictions- she had a huge rage- so then we said

no to the whole trip. Whew, was I glad that I didn't have to go!

As our son as gotten older, he is very able to make his wants/needs

known. He can tell us that those 2 1/2 days are enough time to spend

with Grandma. He knows that she can behave for that length of time,

and that's about how long he can deal with her " go like gangbusters "

schedule. She does have some good things to offer him. If we ever

feel that she is treating him like she treats me, then she will

never get to spend time with him. Deep down, I think she knows this,

so she won't jeopardize her time with him.

I do want my son to have some kind of grandparent relationship. It's

a long story, but we do not allow him to be alone with my husbands

NP step-dad and mother. When he was 6, they tried to bribe him with

money, $100 bills. We caught that in the bud and told them that it

was wrong to bribe a child- they said there was nothing wrong with

that, and we responded by telling them that they will never be alone

with him again. Sad. We haven't visited them at their place since.

I am thankful for your ideas and thoughts. I learn so much from

everyone on the board- it helps in thinking about where to set my

boundries with Nada.

[Guest guest]

" Grandma needs a time out! "

This gave me a chuckle and a reminder of a sad situation.

A year and a half ago we had to have one of our dogs PTS. Ever since this

particular dog was a baby we knew she was a bit different. She was

aggressive towards her littermate from about the age of 4 months. Over time

she started getting aggressive towards the other dogs. When she was 3

years old she attacked our oldest dog as he lay sleeping on my bed.(we have

4 Labrador Retrievers big dogs with a lot of power).

Towards the humans she was an angel but I was getting more and more worried

that one of the kids would get hurt if she went after one of the dogs and

they tried to protect the other dogs.

I took her to various vets, did lots of testing and tried various meds. On

Easter Sunday a year and a half ago she was laying near my son woke up and

bit him on the face. He was about three feet from her and not even paying

attention to her.

Trying meds, behavior modification and all the other stuff was over that

minute.

My daughter (12) always said " mom, she's like Grandma, she's sick and

unhappy it's not her fault "

Well there was one way to protect my children from a dog like that and we

took it as much as we regretted it as much as we missed a dog who could be

loving and we could never trust her around our children or our dogs.

I have the same feelings as my daughter. My mother is sick and unhappy but

I will never ever let her close enough to my children to harm them. She is

never allowed to be alone with them

That's just my situation with my mom though.My mother has tried to harm my

kids. I am glad yours doesn't behave badly with your son. I pray for you

both that it continues that way and glad that you didn't have to spend the

time with her either ;-)