Guest guest Posted October 31, 2004 Report Share Posted October 31, 2004 Edith, Wow! Thank you for taking the time to put together such a well thought out and informative post. I just shook my head in agreement and amazement as I read. I think one of the most important points is that bp's have an arrested development, ie, act like two year olds. That, I think helped me understand bp behavior more than anything as I was learning about bpd and what was most important as a KO was realizing that we act very much like brainwashed cult victims. Being brainwashed by a two year old...hmmmm....that is quite disturbing. Thanks again, > Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) > > Normally, people develop in many ways during their growing-up years. > People develop PHYSICALLY (they get bigger and taller), they develop > INTELLECTUALLY (they get smarter by acquiring more information), they > develop COGNITIVELY (information processing, thinking, understanding) > and they develop EMOTIONALLY (stable moods and feelings). > > BPD is recognized as a complex DSM-IV Axis II mental illness. The core > issue of BPD is abandonment. BPD is recognized as both a COGNITIVE (ie, > thinking) and an EMOTIONAL (ie, feeling) disorder. Individuals who have > BPD or BPD traits can be INTENSE! > > One way to understand the *emotional* aspects of adult borderlines (BPs) > is to think of them as an emotional child, between a few months and 2 > years of age, housed in a full-sized adult body. The sun rises and sets > on 2-year-olds. They don't play together. And, lacking language skills > and unwilling to share, two-year-olds resort to biting and/or hitting > each other over the head with their toys (ie, 'acting out') and/or they > hit and/or bite themselves (ie, self-injure/'acting in'). > > To understand the *cognitive* aspects of BPD, one can think of BPs as > actors and actresses wearing a mask. Like a chameleon, BPs act like > whomever they're with. The person with BPD wears a different mask for > each person they meet, including their children. > > There are differences in chosen and unchosen relationships with a BP. At > the beginning of a NonBP-BPD *chosen* relationship, the mask the BP > wears mirrors the NonBP. The NonBP may talk in terms of having met their > soul-mate. But, after they've been in the relationship for awhile, the > mask becomes heavy and the BP begins to let the mask drop. And then one > day, suddenly and unexpectedly when the BP is *stressed*, out pops the > witch/monster (this is referred to as " acting out " when the BP rages) or > the BP may self-injure (ie, this is referred to as " acting in " ). One can > think of a high-functioning BP as a mentally ill person who sometimes > acts normal, not a normal person who sometimes acts crazy. > > In an *unchosen* relationship, with a BP parent and a NonBP child, the > child can become brainwashed from identification with its mentally ill > role model because the child falsely assumes the BP parent's reality is > " normal " . But it is not. On our Oasis lists for the NonBP adult children > of BPs, we refer to these BPD traits which have been learned as 'fleas'. > In recovery, KOs (the Kids Of BPD parents) must first learn to recognize > and then eliminate their fleas. > > Generally, BPs wear a nicey-nicey mask when in public, depending on the > BP's levels of emotional and cognitive development and the BP's needs. > BPs tend to be needy. When the BP needs something they can be > lovey-dovey toward the NonBP and put on the mask they wore when the > NonBP first bonded with them. This is when the BP 'hoovers' (ie, sucks > the NonBP back in, like a vacuum cleaner). Other than during a BP's > *lucid moments*, its basically just about the BP's needs - not the > NonBP's. And, not all BPs have lucid moments. > > One has to remember that the person with BPD has a tiny and/or > fragmented 'self' and that the core issue with BPs is *abandonment*. If > the NonBP gets too close, intimacy-wise, then the BP will push them > away. When the NonBP gets too far away, then the BP pulls them back. > Thus, the *emotional* rollercoaster ride. Even the first word of a > toddler (ie, " No! " ), in their attempt to differentiate into their own > unique self, can be perceived by a BPmother as abandonment. > > *Cognitively*, the BP's world is not always based on the same *logic* as > the NonBP's. The BP's brain functions using BPD logic. So, to understand > a BP, the NonBP must learn to think like a BP. What goes in, around, and > out of the BP's brain can pass through their BPD filters and end up with > a twisty on it. This especially happens when the BP is under duress (ie, > stress). If the BP 'goes off' (ie, rages) then s/he probably won't > remember later what s/he did or said because BPs tend to *dissociate* > under stress. > > Dissociation is the state in which, on some level or another, one > becomes somewhat removed from " reality " . Dissociation is the opposite of > " association " and involves the lack of association, usually of one's > identity with the rest of the world. If the BP dissociates they can have > no memory later of the event, and when told of it will point their > finger at the NonBP and tell the NonBP that they're NUTS! Thus, the > NonBP continuously walks on eggshells, in order to keep the BP from > being stressed, and the BP's twisted logic and accusations makes the > NonBP think they're going crazy! > > *Emotionally*, a BP's mood tends toward the negative and to be rapidly > unpredictable with ups and down while, at the same time, the BP needs to > feel they are " in control " . Also, the BP's mood can determine what the > BP believes to be the facts (see SWOE, p 56). The problem here is, > because one of the BP's greatest fears is they'll lose control, BPs tend > to *overcontrol*. This is particularly evident during stressful times, > such as during unplanned events and holiday get-togethers. The BP's > world can also be a tipsy-turvy world because of an accompanying mood > disorder. The most-often-accompanying mood disorder in BPs is Bipolar > Disorder where the borderline's mood can cycle slowly, over days, weeks > or months from sad to depressed up to manic and back to sad. And then > the cycle repeats. > > Not all BPs rage (ie, act out) but, besides their mood disorder, a BP's > rage can be due to the 'twisty' that the BP's brain puts on info going > into and out of it. The BP has to see their self as *perfect* (ie, as > split " all good " ). Any hint/suggestion to the contrary can be heard by > the BP as " You're NOT *perfect*! " . The BP's rage to this is an automatic > (unconscious, unwilled, unthinking) response from the BP's defense > filters (ie, denial, projection, rationalization, and splitting; see > SWOE, ch 3). NonBPs tend to take what the BP says during a rage > personally but it helps to recognize the rage as the mental illness > talking. Its not about you. > > About those filters, the NonBP has to be able to recognize when the BP > is using *projection* (ie, blaming the NonBP), *denial* (ie, saying that > xyz didn't really happen when the NonBP knows that it did), > *rationalization* (ie, telling lies and re-writing history), and > *splitting* (ie, seeing objects/events/people as all good OR all bad > (polar opposites, with no continuum between the two). This stuff is in > SWOE, chapters 2-4. > > Following is a definition of *splitting* from the book _I Hate You, > Don't Leave Me_ by Jerry Kreisman, M.D. From page 10: > " The world of a BP, like that of a child, is split into heroes and > villains. A child emotionally, the BP cannot tolerate human > inconsistencies and ambiguities; he cannot reconcile another's good and > bad qualities into a constant coherent understanding of another person. > At any particular moment, one is either Good or EVIL. There is no > in-between; no gray area....people are idolized one day; totally > devalued and dismissed the next. > " Normal people are ambivalent and can experience two contradictory > states at one time; BPs shift back and forth, entirely unaware of one > feeling state while in the other. > " When the idealized person finally disappoints (as we all do, sooner > or later) the borderline must drastically restructure his > one-dimensional conceptionalization. Either the idol is banished to the > dungeon, or the borderline banishes himself in order to preserve the > all-good image of the other person. > " Splitting is intended to shield the BP from a barrage of > contradictory feelings and images and from the anxiety of trying to > reconcile those images. But splitting often achieves the opposite > effect. The frays in the BP's personality become rips, and the sense of > his own identity and the identity of others shifts even more > dramatically and frequently. " > > BPD is a complex mental disorder. The NonBP must remember that there is > no " pure " BPD. A BP may have any combination of 5 or more of 9 BPD > traits, as well as traits of other DSM-IV Axis II disorders (eg, > narcissistic PD, antisocial PD, histrionic PD, etc). And, BPD can > coexist with other illnesses, the most common of which include the > following: > Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) > Mood disorders (usually Bipolar Disorder) > Panic/anxiety disorders > Substance abuse: 54% of BPs have a substance abuse problem > Gender identity disorder > Attention deficit disorder (ADD or ADHD) > Eating disorders > Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID; formerly known as Multiple > Personality Disorder, MPD) > Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) > > Generally, BPs are not willing to admit there's anything wrong with them > and thus are not willing to commit to therapy. Without therapy, the > NonBP's choices are to not engage, to leave, or do whatever is necessary > to protect their self from the emotional and verbal abuse (see SWOE, > chapters 5-7). And, the NonBP can attempt to change NonBP-BPD > interactions by becoming proficient in the DEAR and PUVAS techniques. > These can be very effective but seem difficult for NonBPs to learn, and > require lots of practice in order for the NonBP to achieve the desired > result. For more info about these techniques, go to: > http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/library/thesea.htm > > The NonBP, when starting to set boundaries, can plan on things getting > worse before getting better. BPs will fight tooth-and-nail to keep > things the way they were (ie, predictable to the BP). But the NonBP > should not engage. They can walk away or do whatever the NonBP needs to > do to protect their self and their children from the emotional and > verbal abuse. And, remember the 3 C's (SWOE, p 99): > I didn't Cause their BPD, > I can't Control their BPD, and > I can't Cure their BPD. > > If the BP is high-functioning, has lucid moments, and is willing to make > a firm commitment to therapy, then therapy can be effective. High > functioning BPs can act perfectly normal most of the time (SWOE, p 48). > If the BP also has bipolar mood disorder, then the bipolar mood disorder > must be stabilized before therapy can begin. BPs don't usually seek > therapy and it is not unusual for the BP to go on a downward spiral and > hit the bottom first. > > Therapy can take several years. One result of successful therapy can be > the equivalent of inserting a time-delay button between the info being > processed in the BP's brain and the BP's rage response, thus giving the > BP the ability to control the expression of his/her inappropriate anger. > BPs tend, however, to quit therapy as soon as the therapist gets close > to the BP's 'sore spot' -- ie, implications that the BP is NOT *perfect* > (ie, is not " all good " ). It takes a specially-trained therapist to be > able to work with BPs. Not all therapists have the special training > necessary but there are different therapies that do work. For info on > " How To Choose A BPD Therapist " , go to: > http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/therapist/main.shtml > > About therapy, Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is a type of > cognitive-behavioral therapy developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. at the > University of Washington that has been successfully used to treat people > who have BPD. For an overview of DBT go to: > http://www.priory.co.uk/dbt1.htm > > Questions that can be asked in seeking a BPD-knowledgable/trained DBT > therapist are listed on pages 238-239 of SWOE. > > To locate a DBT-trained therapist, there's a phone number listed on > the following website: > http://www.brtc.psych.washington.edu > > Behavioral Technology Transfer Group (BTTG) in Seattle WA has a list of > clinicians, both nationally and internationally, who have completed DBT > training with their company. One can send an email request for referral > to a DBT-trained therapist in your area to: > DBTinfo@B... > > For info about Schema Therapy, which may use aspects of cognitive > therapy, go to: > http://www.schematherapy.com/id30.htm > > The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) maintains a list of > therapists who treat BPD; their hotline number is 800-950-NAMI. NAMI > also sponsors local groups for family members of the mentally ill > (including family members of those with BPD). To find your state and > local NAMI go to: > http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=Your_Local_Nami > > NEA-BPD runs 15-week programs specifically for NonBPs. The course > teaches the NonBP how to use DBT. For more info go to: > http://borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/family_programs_.htm > > It is good to have info like this available but no one, BPs and NonBPs > alike, wants to be told there's something wrong with them. Its not like > you're going to sit down at the dinner table and say to the BP, " OK, now > about this terrible BPD thang you've got! " Prediction: Rage will follow. > > From interacting over time with a person who has BPD, the NonBP can > gradually become brainwashed, develop hypervigilance or even Post > Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Hypervigilance and PTSD are part of > one's pre-wired built-in fight-or-flight response that protects us from > danger. For info about brainwashing effects on NonBPs go to: > http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/mediakit/brainwash.shtml#brainwas hed > > For info about emotional/verbal abuse go to: > http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/abuse/evabuse.shtml > > If the NonBP leaves their BPSO, the damaging emotional effects on the > NonBP can linger on with symptoms gradually disappearing over time. This > may take years but can be helped by having a BPD-knowledgable therapist > with a successful track record from having worked with BPs, their family > members, and SOs (significant others). > > BPD is a terrible mental illness for all involved but, to some degree, > BP's behaviors are predictable. Both BPs and NonBPs have choices. And, > everyone is responsible only for their own behavior. > > - Edith > 10/31/2004 > Survivor: BPD/NPD mother and hubby > List Manager / WelcomeToOz Family of NonBP Email Support Groups Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 31, 2004 Report Share Posted October 31, 2004 Edith, Wow! Thank you for taking the time to put together such a well thought out and informative post. I just shook my head in agreement and amazement as I read. I think one of the most important points is that bp's have an arrested development, ie, act like two year olds. That, I think helped me understand bp behavior more than anything as I was learning about bpd and what was most important as a KO was realizing that we act very much like brainwashed cult victims. Being brainwashed by a two year old...hmmmm....that is quite disturbing. Thanks again, > Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) > > Normally, people develop in many ways during their growing-up years. > People develop PHYSICALLY (they get bigger and taller), they develop > INTELLECTUALLY (they get smarter by acquiring more information), they > develop COGNITIVELY (information processing, thinking, understanding) > and they develop EMOTIONALLY (stable moods and feelings). > > BPD is recognized as a complex DSM-IV Axis II mental illness. The core > issue of BPD is abandonment. BPD is recognized as both a COGNITIVE (ie, > thinking) and an EMOTIONAL (ie, feeling) disorder. Individuals who have > BPD or BPD traits can be INTENSE! > > One way to understand the *emotional* aspects of adult borderlines (BPs) > is to think of them as an emotional child, between a few months and 2 > years of age, housed in a full-sized adult body. The sun rises and sets > on 2-year-olds. They don't play together. And, lacking language skills > and unwilling to share, two-year-olds resort to biting and/or hitting > each other over the head with their toys (ie, 'acting out') and/or they > hit and/or bite themselves (ie, self-injure/'acting in'). > > To understand the *cognitive* aspects of BPD, one can think of BPs as > actors and actresses wearing a mask. Like a chameleon, BPs act like > whomever they're with. The person with BPD wears a different mask for > each person they meet, including their children. > > There are differences in chosen and unchosen relationships with a BP. At > the beginning of a NonBP-BPD *chosen* relationship, the mask the BP > wears mirrors the NonBP. The NonBP may talk in terms of having met their > soul-mate. But, after they've been in the relationship for awhile, the > mask becomes heavy and the BP begins to let the mask drop. And then one > day, suddenly and unexpectedly when the BP is *stressed*, out pops the > witch/monster (this is referred to as " acting out " when the BP rages) or > the BP may self-injure (ie, this is referred to as " acting in " ). One can > think of a high-functioning BP as a mentally ill person who sometimes > acts normal, not a normal person who sometimes acts crazy. > > In an *unchosen* relationship, with a BP parent and a NonBP child, the > child can become brainwashed from identification with its mentally ill > role model because the child falsely assumes the BP parent's reality is > " normal " . But it is not. On our Oasis lists for the NonBP adult children > of BPs, we refer to these BPD traits which have been learned as 'fleas'. > In recovery, KOs (the Kids Of BPD parents) must first learn to recognize > and then eliminate their fleas. > > Generally, BPs wear a nicey-nicey mask when in public, depending on the > BP's levels of emotional and cognitive development and the BP's needs. > BPs tend to be needy. When the BP needs something they can be > lovey-dovey toward the NonBP and put on the mask they wore when the > NonBP first bonded with them. This is when the BP 'hoovers' (ie, sucks > the NonBP back in, like a vacuum cleaner). Other than during a BP's > *lucid moments*, its basically just about the BP's needs - not the > NonBP's. And, not all BPs have lucid moments. > > One has to remember that the person with BPD has a tiny and/or > fragmented 'self' and that the core issue with BPs is *abandonment*. If > the NonBP gets too close, intimacy-wise, then the BP will push them > away. When the NonBP gets too far away, then the BP pulls them back. > Thus, the *emotional* rollercoaster ride. Even the first word of a > toddler (ie, " No! " ), in their attempt to differentiate into their own > unique self, can be perceived by a BPmother as abandonment. > > *Cognitively*, the BP's world is not always based on the same *logic* as > the NonBP's. The BP's brain functions using BPD logic. So, to understand > a BP, the NonBP must learn to think like a BP. What goes in, around, and > out of the BP's brain can pass through their BPD filters and end up with > a twisty on it. This especially happens when the BP is under duress (ie, > stress). If the BP 'goes off' (ie, rages) then s/he probably won't > remember later what s/he did or said because BPs tend to *dissociate* > under stress. > > Dissociation is the state in which, on some level or another, one > becomes somewhat removed from " reality " . Dissociation is the opposite of > " association " and involves the lack of association, usually of one's > identity with the rest of the world. If the BP dissociates they can have > no memory later of the event, and when told of it will point their > finger at the NonBP and tell the NonBP that they're NUTS! Thus, the > NonBP continuously walks on eggshells, in order to keep the BP from > being stressed, and the BP's twisted logic and accusations makes the > NonBP think they're going crazy! > > *Emotionally*, a BP's mood tends toward the negative and to be rapidly > unpredictable with ups and down while, at the same time, the BP needs to > feel they are " in control " . Also, the BP's mood can determine what the > BP believes to be the facts (see SWOE, p 56). The problem here is, > because one of the BP's greatest fears is they'll lose control, BPs tend > to *overcontrol*. This is particularly evident during stressful times, > such as during unplanned events and holiday get-togethers. The BP's > world can also be a tipsy-turvy world because of an accompanying mood > disorder. The most-often-accompanying mood disorder in BPs is Bipolar > Disorder where the borderline's mood can cycle slowly, over days, weeks > or months from sad to depressed up to manic and back to sad. And then > the cycle repeats. > > Not all BPs rage (ie, act out) but, besides their mood disorder, a BP's > rage can be due to the 'twisty' that the BP's brain puts on info going > into and out of it. The BP has to see their self as *perfect* (ie, as > split " all good " ). Any hint/suggestion to the contrary can be heard by > the BP as " You're NOT *perfect*! " . The BP's rage to this is an automatic > (unconscious, unwilled, unthinking) response from the BP's defense > filters (ie, denial, projection, rationalization, and splitting; see > SWOE, ch 3). NonBPs tend to take what the BP says during a rage > personally but it helps to recognize the rage as the mental illness > talking. Its not about you. > > About those filters, the NonBP has to be able to recognize when the BP > is using *projection* (ie, blaming the NonBP), *denial* (ie, saying that > xyz didn't really happen when the NonBP knows that it did), > *rationalization* (ie, telling lies and re-writing history), and > *splitting* (ie, seeing objects/events/people as all good OR all bad > (polar opposites, with no continuum between the two). This stuff is in > SWOE, chapters 2-4. > > Following is a definition of *splitting* from the book _I Hate You, > Don't Leave Me_ by Jerry Kreisman, M.D. From page 10: > " The world of a BP, like that of a child, is split into heroes and > villains. A child emotionally, the BP cannot tolerate human > inconsistencies and ambiguities; he cannot reconcile another's good and > bad qualities into a constant coherent understanding of another person. > At any particular moment, one is either Good or EVIL. There is no > in-between; no gray area....people are idolized one day; totally > devalued and dismissed the next. > " Normal people are ambivalent and can experience two contradictory > states at one time; BPs shift back and forth, entirely unaware of one > feeling state while in the other. > " When the idealized person finally disappoints (as we all do, sooner > or later) the borderline must drastically restructure his > one-dimensional conceptionalization. Either the idol is banished to the > dungeon, or the borderline banishes himself in order to preserve the > all-good image of the other person. > " Splitting is intended to shield the BP from a barrage of > contradictory feelings and images and from the anxiety of trying to > reconcile those images. But splitting often achieves the opposite > effect. The frays in the BP's personality become rips, and the sense of > his own identity and the identity of others shifts even more > dramatically and frequently. " > > BPD is a complex mental disorder. The NonBP must remember that there is > no " pure " BPD. A BP may have any combination of 5 or more of 9 BPD > traits, as well as traits of other DSM-IV Axis II disorders (eg, > narcissistic PD, antisocial PD, histrionic PD, etc). And, BPD can > coexist with other illnesses, the most common of which include the > following: > Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) > Mood disorders (usually Bipolar Disorder) > Panic/anxiety disorders > Substance abuse: 54% of BPs have a substance abuse problem > Gender identity disorder > Attention deficit disorder (ADD or ADHD) > Eating disorders > Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID; formerly known as Multiple > Personality Disorder, MPD) > Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) > > Generally, BPs are not willing to admit there's anything wrong with them > and thus are not willing to commit to therapy. Without therapy, the > NonBP's choices are to not engage, to leave, or do whatever is necessary > to protect their self from the emotional and verbal abuse (see SWOE, > chapters 5-7). And, the NonBP can attempt to change NonBP-BPD > interactions by becoming proficient in the DEAR and PUVAS techniques. > These can be very effective but seem difficult for NonBPs to learn, and > require lots of practice in order for the NonBP to achieve the desired > result. For more info about these techniques, go to: > http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/library/thesea.htm > > The NonBP, when starting to set boundaries, can plan on things getting > worse before getting better. BPs will fight tooth-and-nail to keep > things the way they were (ie, predictable to the BP). But the NonBP > should not engage. They can walk away or do whatever the NonBP needs to > do to protect their self and their children from the emotional and > verbal abuse. And, remember the 3 C's (SWOE, p 99): > I didn't Cause their BPD, > I can't Control their BPD, and > I can't Cure their BPD. > > If the BP is high-functioning, has lucid moments, and is willing to make > a firm commitment to therapy, then therapy can be effective. High > functioning BPs can act perfectly normal most of the time (SWOE, p 48). > If the BP also has bipolar mood disorder, then the bipolar mood disorder > must be stabilized before therapy can begin. BPs don't usually seek > therapy and it is not unusual for the BP to go on a downward spiral and > hit the bottom first. > > Therapy can take several years. One result of successful therapy can be > the equivalent of inserting a time-delay button between the info being > processed in the BP's brain and the BP's rage response, thus giving the > BP the ability to control the expression of his/her inappropriate anger. > BPs tend, however, to quit therapy as soon as the therapist gets close > to the BP's 'sore spot' -- ie, implications that the BP is NOT *perfect* > (ie, is not " all good " ). It takes a specially-trained therapist to be > able to work with BPs. Not all therapists have the special training > necessary but there are different therapies that do work. For info on > " How To Choose A BPD Therapist " , go to: > http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/therapist/main.shtml > > About therapy, Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is a type of > cognitive-behavioral therapy developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. at the > University of Washington that has been successfully used to treat people > who have BPD. For an overview of DBT go to: > http://www.priory.co.uk/dbt1.htm > > Questions that can be asked in seeking a BPD-knowledgable/trained DBT > therapist are listed on pages 238-239 of SWOE. > > To locate a DBT-trained therapist, there's a phone number listed on > the following website: > http://www.brtc.psych.washington.edu > > Behavioral Technology Transfer Group (BTTG) in Seattle WA has a list of > clinicians, both nationally and internationally, who have completed DBT > training with their company. One can send an email request for referral > to a DBT-trained therapist in your area to: > DBTinfo@B... > > For info about Schema Therapy, which may use aspects of cognitive > therapy, go to: > http://www.schematherapy.com/id30.htm > > The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) maintains a list of > therapists who treat BPD; their hotline number is 800-950-NAMI. NAMI > also sponsors local groups for family members of the mentally ill > (including family members of those with BPD). To find your state and > local NAMI go to: > http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=Your_Local_Nami > > NEA-BPD runs 15-week programs specifically for NonBPs. The course > teaches the NonBP how to use DBT. For more info go to: > http://borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/family_programs_.htm > > It is good to have info like this available but no one, BPs and NonBPs > alike, wants to be told there's something wrong with them. Its not like > you're going to sit down at the dinner table and say to the BP, " OK, now > about this terrible BPD thang you've got! " Prediction: Rage will follow. > > From interacting over time with a person who has BPD, the NonBP can > gradually become brainwashed, develop hypervigilance or even Post > Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Hypervigilance and PTSD are part of > one's pre-wired built-in fight-or-flight response that protects us from > danger. For info about brainwashing effects on NonBPs go to: > http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/mediakit/brainwash.shtml#brainwas hed > > For info about emotional/verbal abuse go to: > http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/abuse/evabuse.shtml > > If the NonBP leaves their BPSO, the damaging emotional effects on the > NonBP can linger on with symptoms gradually disappearing over time. This > may take years but can be helped by having a BPD-knowledgable therapist > with a successful track record from having worked with BPs, their family > members, and SOs (significant others). > > BPD is a terrible mental illness for all involved but, to some degree, > BP's behaviors are predictable. Both BPs and NonBPs have choices. And, > everyone is responsible only for their own behavior. > > - Edith > 10/31/2004 > Survivor: BPD/NPD mother and hubby > List Manager / WelcomeToOz Family of NonBP Email Support Groups Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 1, 2004 Report Share Posted November 1, 2004 Edith, Thanks for posting this on ModOasis. I had also see it on GalFriday. I think this is one of the most suscinct and yet easily understood explanations. Sylvia > Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) > > Normally, people develop in many ways during their growing-up years. > People develop PHYSICALLY (they get bigger and taller), they develop > INTELLECTUALLY (they get smarter by acquiring more information), they > develop COGNITIVELY (information processing, thinking, understanding) > and they develop EMOTIONALLY (stable moods and feelings). > > BPD is recognized as a complex DSM-IV Axis II mental illness. The core > issue of BPD is abandonment. BPD is recognized as both a COGNITIVE (ie, > thinking) and an EMOTIONAL (ie, feeling) disorder. Individuals who have > BPD or BPD traits can be INTENSE! > > One way to understand the *emotional* aspects of adult borderlines (BPs) > is to think of them as an emotional child, between a few months and 2 > years of age, housed in a full-sized adult body. The sun rises and sets > on 2-year-olds. They don't play together. And, lacking language skills > and unwilling to share, two-year-olds resort to biting and/or hitting > each other over the head with their toys (ie, 'acting out') and/or they > hit and/or bite themselves (ie, self-injure/'acting in'). > > To understand the *cognitive* aspects of BPD, one can think of BPs as > actors and actresses wearing a mask. Like a chameleon, BPs act like > whomever they're with. The person with BPD wears a different mask for > each person they meet, including their children. > > There are differences in chosen and unchosen relationships with a BP. At > the beginning of a NonBP-BPD *chosen* relationship, the mask the BP > wears mirrors the NonBP. The NonBP may talk in terms of having met their > soul-mate. But, after they've been in the relationship for awhile, the > mask becomes heavy and the BP begins to let the mask drop. And then one > day, suddenly and unexpectedly when the BP is *stressed*, out pops the > witch/monster (this is referred to as " acting out " when the BP rages) or > the BP may self-injure (ie, this is referred to as " acting in " ). One can > think of a high-functioning BP as a mentally ill person who sometimes > acts normal, not a normal person who sometimes acts crazy. > > In an *unchosen* relationship, with a BP parent and a NonBP child, the > child can become brainwashed from identification with its mentally ill > role model because the child falsely assumes the BP parent's reality is > " normal " . But it is not. On our Oasis lists for the NonBP adult children > of BPs, we refer to these BPD traits which have been learned as 'fleas'. > In recovery, KOs (the Kids Of BPD parents) must first learn to recognize > and then eliminate their fleas. > > Generally, BPs wear a nicey-nicey mask when in public, depending on the > BP's levels of emotional and cognitive development and the BP's needs. > BPs tend to be needy. When the BP needs something they can be > lovey-dovey toward the NonBP and put on the mask they wore when the > NonBP first bonded with them. This is when the BP 'hoovers' (ie, sucks > the NonBP back in, like a vacuum cleaner). Other than during a BP's > *lucid moments*, its basically just about the BP's needs - not the > NonBP's. And, not all BPs have lucid moments. > > One has to remember that the person with BPD has a tiny and/or > fragmented 'self' and that the core issue with BPs is *abandonment*. If > the NonBP gets too close, intimacy-wise, then the BP will push them > away. When the NonBP gets too far away, then the BP pulls them back. > Thus, the *emotional* rollercoaster ride. Even the first word of a > toddler (ie, " No! " ), in their attempt to differentiate into their own > unique self, can be perceived by a BPmother as abandonment. > > *Cognitively*, the BP's world is not always based on the same *logic* as > the NonBP's. The BP's brain functions using BPD logic. So, to understand > a BP, the NonBP must learn to think like a BP. What goes in, around, and > out of the BP's brain can pass through their BPD filters and end up with > a twisty on it. This especially happens when the BP is under duress (ie, > stress). If the BP 'goes off' (ie, rages) then s/he probably won't > remember later what s/he did or said because BPs tend to *dissociate* > under stress. > > Dissociation is the state in which, on some level or another, one > becomes somewhat removed from " reality " . Dissociation is the opposite of > " association " and involves the lack of association, usually of one's > identity with the rest of the world. If the BP dissociates they can have > no memory later of the event, and when told of it will point their > finger at the NonBP and tell the NonBP that they're NUTS! Thus, the > NonBP continuously walks on eggshells, in order to keep the BP from > being stressed, and the BP's twisted logic and accusations makes the > NonBP think they're going crazy! > > *Emotionally*, a BP's mood tends toward the negative and to be rapidly > unpredictable with ups and down while, at the same time, the BP needs to > feel they are " in control " . Also, the BP's mood can determine what the > BP believes to be the facts (see SWOE, p 56). The problem here is, > because one of the BP's greatest fears is they'll lose control, BPs tend > to *overcontrol*. This is particularly evident during stressful times, > such as during unplanned events and holiday get-togethers. The BP's > world can also be a tipsy-turvy world because of an accompanying mood > disorder. The most-often-accompanying mood disorder in BPs is Bipolar > Disorder where the borderline's mood can cycle slowly, over days, weeks > or months from sad to depressed up to manic and back to sad. And then > the cycle repeats. > > Not all BPs rage (ie, act out) but, besides their mood disorder, a BP's > rage can be due to the 'twisty' that the BP's brain puts on info going > into and out of it. The BP has to see their self as *perfect* (ie, as > split " all good " ). Any hint/suggestion to the contrary can be heard by > the BP as " You're NOT *perfect*! " . The BP's rage to this is an automatic > (unconscious, unwilled, unthinking) response from the BP's defense > filters (ie, denial, projection, rationalization, and splitting; see > SWOE, ch 3). NonBPs tend to take what the BP says during a rage > personally but it helps to recognize the rage as the mental illness > talking. Its not about you. > > About those filters, the NonBP has to be able to recognize when the BP > is using *projection* (ie, blaming the NonBP), *denial* (ie, saying that > xyz didn't really happen when the NonBP knows that it did), > *rationalization* (ie, telling lies and re-writing history), and > *splitting* (ie, seeing objects/events/people as all good OR all bad > (polar opposites, with no continuum between the two). This stuff is in > SWOE, chapters 2-4. > > Following is a definition of *splitting* from the book _I Hate You, > Don't Leave Me_ by Jerry Kreisman, M.D. From page 10: > " The world of a BP, like that of a child, is split into heroes and > villains. A child emotionally, the BP cannot tolerate human > inconsistencies and ambiguities; he cannot reconcile another's good and > bad qualities into a constant coherent understanding of another person. > At any particular moment, one is either Good or EVIL. There is no > in-between; no gray area....people are idolized one day; totally > devalued and dismissed the next. > " Normal people are ambivalent and can experience two contradictory > states at one time; BPs shift back and forth, entirely unaware of one > feeling state while in the other. > " When the idealized person finally disappoints (as we all do, sooner > or later) the borderline must drastically restructure his > one-dimensional conceptionalization. Either the idol is banished to the > dungeon, or the borderline banishes himself in order to preserve the > all-good image of the other person. > " Splitting is intended to shield the BP from a barrage of > contradictory feelings and images and from the anxiety of trying to > reconcile those images. But splitting often achieves the opposite > effect. The frays in the BP's personality become rips, and the sense of > his own identity and the identity of others shifts even more > dramatically and frequently. " > > BPD is a complex mental disorder. The NonBP must remember that there is > no " pure " BPD. A BP may have any combination of 5 or more of 9 BPD > traits, as well as traits of other DSM-IV Axis II disorders (eg, > narcissistic PD, antisocial PD, histrionic PD, etc). And, BPD can > coexist with other illnesses, the most common of which include the > following: > Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) > Mood disorders (usually Bipolar Disorder) > Panic/anxiety disorders > Substance abuse: 54% of BPs have a substance abuse problem > Gender identity disorder > Attention deficit disorder (ADD or ADHD) > Eating disorders > Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID; formerly known as Multiple > Personality Disorder, MPD) > Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) > > Generally, BPs are not willing to admit there's anything wrong with them > and thus are not willing to commit to therapy. Without therapy, the > NonBP's choices are to not engage, to leave, or do whatever is necessary > to protect their self from the emotional and verbal abuse (see SWOE, > chapters 5-7). And, the NonBP can attempt to change NonBP-BPD > interactions by becoming proficient in the DEAR and PUVAS techniques. > These can be very effective but seem difficult for NonBPs to learn, and > require lots of practice in order for the NonBP to achieve the desired > result. For more info about these techniques, go to: > http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/library/thesea.htm > > The NonBP, when starting to set boundaries, can plan on things getting > worse before getting better. BPs will fight tooth-and-nail to keep > things the way they were (ie, predictable to the BP). But the NonBP > should not engage. They can walk away or do whatever the NonBP needs to > do to protect their self and their children from the emotional and > verbal abuse. And, remember the 3 C's (SWOE, p 99): > I didn't Cause their BPD, > I can't Control their BPD, and > I can't Cure their BPD. > > If the BP is high-functioning, has lucid moments, and is willing to make > a firm commitment to therapy, then therapy can be effective. High > functioning BPs can act perfectly normal most of the time (SWOE, p 48). > If the BP also has bipolar mood disorder, then the bipolar mood disorder > must be stabilized before therapy can begin. BPs don't usually seek > therapy and it is not unusual for the BP to go on a downward spiral and > hit the bottom first. > > Therapy can take several years. One result of successful therapy can be > the equivalent of inserting a time-delay button between the info being > processed in the BP's brain and the BP's rage response, thus giving the > BP the ability to control the expression of his/her inappropriate anger. > BPs tend, however, to quit therapy as soon as the therapist gets close > to the BP's 'sore spot' -- ie, implications that the BP is NOT *perfect* > (ie, is not " all good " ). It takes a specially-trained therapist to be > able to work with BPs. Not all therapists have the special training > necessary but there are different therapies that do work. For info on > " How To Choose A BPD Therapist " , go to: > http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/therapist/main.shtml > > About therapy, Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is a type of > cognitive-behavioral therapy developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. at the > University of Washington that has been successfully used to treat people > who have BPD. For an overview of DBT go to: > http://www.priory.co.uk/dbt1.htm > > Questions that can be asked in seeking a BPD-knowledgable/trained DBT > therapist are listed on pages 238-239 of SWOE. > > To locate a DBT-trained therapist, there's a phone number listed on > the following website: > http://www.brtc.psych.washington.edu > > Behavioral Technology Transfer Group (BTTG) in Seattle WA has a list of > clinicians, both nationally and internationally, who have completed DBT > training with their company. One can send an email request for referral > to a DBT-trained therapist in your area to: > DBTinfo@B... > > For info about Schema Therapy, which may use aspects of cognitive > therapy, go to: > http://www.schematherapy.com/id30.htm > > The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) maintains a list of > therapists who treat BPD; their hotline number is 800-950-NAMI. NAMI > also sponsors local groups for family members of the mentally ill > (including family members of those with BPD). To find your state and > local NAMI go to: > http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=Your_Local_Nami > > NEA-BPD runs 15-week programs specifically for NonBPs. The course > teaches the NonBP how to use DBT. For more info go to: > http://borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/family_programs_.htm > > It is good to have info like this available but no one, BPs and NonBPs > alike, wants to be told there's something wrong with them. Its not like > you're going to sit down at the dinner table and say to the BP, " OK, now > about this terrible BPD thang you've got! " Prediction: Rage will follow. > > From interacting over time with a person who has BPD, the NonBP can > gradually become brainwashed, develop hypervigilance or even Post > Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Hypervigilance and PTSD are part of > one's pre-wired built-in fight-or-flight response that protects us from > danger. For info about brainwashing effects on NonBPs go to: > http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/mediakit/brainwash.shtml#brainwash ed > > For info about emotional/verbal abuse go to: > http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/abuse/evabuse.shtml > > If the NonBP leaves their BPSO, the damaging emotional effects on the > NonBP can linger on with symptoms gradually disappearing over time. This > may take years but can be helped by having a BPD-knowledgable therapist > with a successful track record from having worked with BPs, their family > members, and SOs (significant others). > > BPD is a terrible mental illness for all involved but, to some degree, > BP's behaviors are predictable. Both BPs and NonBPs have choices. And, > everyone is responsible only for their own behavior. > > - Edith > 10/31/2004 > Survivor: BPD/NPD mother and hubby > List Manager / WelcomeToOz Family of NonBP Email Support Groups Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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