Resurfacing after a long absence

October 7, 2004

Hi, everyone,

I haven't been here for quite some time, but I thought my experience

of the last couple of months may be of some help. Or maybe I just

need some validation from all of you (lol).

My nada is in her 70's, and although she has been receiving

treatment for Major Depressive Disorder for the last year, and

attempts at treatment for Bi-Polar Disorder which she refuses, she

has not been diagnosed with or treated for BPD. She's the high-

functioning/acting-out type, so I don't expect her to ever receive

treatment. But she made a statement a few days ago which reinforces

my belief that BPs are born as well as made. She was commenting on

a remark my d-i-l made about my infant grandson's having a temper.

My nada said, " There's nothing wrong with having a temper. I've

always had a temper. My daddy used to call me his little setting

hen. " For those of you who may not be familiar with the barnyard, a

setting hen is one who has a nest of eggs which she will defend

violently if you disturb it.

So, on to my experience. About 4 weeks ago, my husband, our two

sons, our daughter-in-law, our grandson, and my younger son's

girlfriend all went on vacation for a week. As usual, my nada's

abandonment issues were triggered, which sent her back to her dr.

She even asked me to talk to him about her problems, so I was able

to clue him in about our upcoming vacation. Well, she wanted to

know what she had to do to get an invitation to go with us, and, not

wanting to add to her problems at the time, I gave her a glib answer

about learning how to swim (we go to the beach) and being able to

get in the sun (she has precancerous lesions removed from her face

regularly). Well, when we got to the beach, I called her to let her

know we had arrived safely and she hung up on me. I didn't call her

back to beg her forgiveness (my previous method of dealing with her -

What was I thinking?), and I waited for her to call me back, which

she did 2 weeks later. She believes in the old addage " The best

defense is a good offense " , so the first thing she said was " Why

didn't you call me when you got home? " When I said it was because

she had hung up on me, she acted like she didn't remember doing

that, and that it was so completely out of character for her that I

should have called her back immediately to find out what was wrong

with her. Well, I didn't let her save face by accepting her

convoluted reasoning, I gently but firmly told her what I thought

and continued the conversation as if nothing unusual had happened,

which it hadn't.

So, yesterday I called to check on her and she started attacking me

about why we don't visit her more often and why my adult children

don't call her and visit her more often, and she feels like she

doesn't have any family, blah, blah, blah. Well, I screwed up my

courage and told her the truth, that she makes it very hard to be

around her because we never know when she's going to blow. I

thought that would make her hang up on me and I'd have about a

month's worth of peace, but NO!!! She called back while I was in

the shower, so I waited until my husband got home from work and

returned her call while he was there to witness it. I sat down and

talked to her on the phone for the better part of an hour about her

behavior, which I stressed to her that I didn't expect to change and

that I wasn't asking her to change. I explained to her that I'M the

one who has changed, and I suspected that she had BPD (which she

ignored completely), that I wouldn't discuss her relationship with

my children because they are adults and she has to talk to them

directly, and that I would never go back to acting the way I used to

with her. I wish I could say that the light lit, that she suddenly

recognized that her hurtful behavior was unacceptable, that she took

responsibility for her actions, or even that she lied and said she'd

try to do better. But none of that happened. She continues to

blame everyone else, especially me, and expects us to accept her as

she is and continue to take her abuse. Oh, BTW, I think I'm out of

the will (lol). She's not going to leave her house and money to

people who can't stand to be around her. I'm breathless with

anticipation, waiting for her to find someone who CAN stand to be

around her for any length of time (lol).

Well, I wanted to encourage those of you who are like me and have

avoided talking to your nada about the " elephant in the room. " I

feel much better, like a weight has been lifted from my chest, even

though I feel sad that she is so unreachable. I told her the truth

with love, I didn't attack her or raise my voice, I didn't ask her

to change one iota, I just stated my case, took responsibility for

my own actions, and left it at that. She even threatened to sell

her house and move to Florida with one of her sisters (translation:

I'm goin to abandon YOU). When I told my older son, he said, " The

world would be a better place, but I feel sorry for Aunt Sue. " And

so do I.

Hugs to all,

Joy

October 7, 2004

Welcome back, Joy!

Ya' handled the situation very well! Congratulations!

I know EXACTLY what you went through, been there, done it. Well, same

theme, just different details. These nadas of ours all graduated from

BPD State University with degrees in " psycho " , and they soon went into

" practice " with us as their patients, no subjects........ ahmmmmmmmmm

victims.

I also got cut out of her will, so I know how that feels. I was so

angry and upset and hurt and betrayed. It was the end of the world, but

time taught me that worldly things matter not when it comes to one's

peace of mind. Life without nada in it was grand, and I'm so glad she'd

no longer alive!!! Blessed relief........... but even now she still

manages to extend her grasp from the grave, which is fodder for another

post.

It's funny, but I always knew it would do no good to " talk " to mother

about things, even twenty years ago when our relationship was still on

good footing as the all-good child since birth. When things started

getting obtuse, I " knew " it was useless to talk to her, so I didn't.

And didn't. And didn't. When it got really bad the last ten years,

well-meaning friends could NOT understand why I didn't " just talk to her

and get things out on the table " . FOG rolled in thick, and I really

beat myself up over it too. Finally, when things got so bad I couldn't

bear another minute, I " talked " to her. Result? Zero. She just didn't

get it. Never did. My gut instincts were right.

SmileS!

Carol

Joy wrote:

>

> So, on to my experience. About 4 weeks ago, my husband, our two

> sons, our daughter-in-law, our grandson, and my younger son's

> girlfriend all went on vacation for a week. As usual, my nada's

> abandonment issues were triggered, which sent her back to her dr.

> She even asked me to talk to him about her problems, so I was able

> to clue him in about our upcoming vacation. Well, she wanted to

> know what she had to do to get an invitation to go with us, and, not

> wanting to add to her problems at the time, I gave her a glib answer

> about learning how to swim (we go to the beach) and being able to

> get in the sun (she has precancerous lesions removed from her face

> regularly). Well, when we got to the beach, I called her to let her

> know we had arrived safely and she hung up on me. I didn't call her

> back to beg her forgiveness (my previous method of dealing with her -

> What was I thinking?), and I waited for her to call me back, which

> she did 2 weeks later. She believes in the old addage " The best

> defense is a good offense " , so the first thing she said was " Why

> didn't you call me when you got home? " When I said it was because

> she had hung up on me, she acted like she didn't remember doing

> that, and that it was so completely out of character for her that I

> should have called her back immediately to find out what was wrong

> with her. Well, I didn't let her save face by accepting her

> convoluted reasoning, I gently but firmly told her what I thought

> and continued the conversation as if nothing unusual had happened,

> which it hadn't.

>

> So, yesterday I called to check on her and she started attacking me

> about why we don't visit her more often and why my adult children

> don't call her and visit her more often, and she feels like she

> doesn't have any family, blah, blah, blah. Well, I screwed up my

> courage and told her the truth, that she makes it very hard to be

> around her because we never know when she's going to blow. I

> thought that would make her hang up on me and I'd have about a

> month's worth of peace, but NO!!! She called back while I was in

> the shower, so I waited until my husband got home from work and

> returned her call while he was there to witness it. I sat down and

> talked to her on the phone for the better part of an hour about her

> behavior, which I stressed to her that I didn't expect to change and

> that I wasn't asking her to change. I explained to her that I'M the

> one who has changed, and I suspected that she had BPD (which she

> ignored completely), that I wouldn't discuss her relationship with

> my children because they are adults and she has to talk to them

> directly, and that I would never go back to acting the way I used to

> with her. I wish I could say that the light lit, that she suddenly

> recognized that her hurtful behavior was unacceptable, that she took

> responsibility for her actions, or even that she lied and said she'd

> try to do better. But none of that happened. She continues to

> blame everyone else, especially me, and expects us to accept her as

> she is and continue to take her abuse. Oh, BTW, I think I'm out of

> the will (lol). She's not going to leave her house and money to

> people who can't stand to be around her. I'm breathless with

> anticipation, waiting for her to find someone who CAN stand to be

> around her for any length of time (lol).

October 7, 2004

Hi Joy,

Its good to read your story. Feels really good, huh? That lifted weight

you mentioned happened to me when my nada died. That was 1984 and SHE

was 79 yo. That was one of the best pre-SWOE days I ever had.

For me, my nada's critical controlling voice still lived on, rent-free

in my head, for another 12 years after her death. And then one day, when

I first went on-line, I found Randi wandering around on the Internet

with SWOE yet-written in her head. That was 1996. This ModOasis list was

a start-up list around mid-'96. Lots of KOs have passed through these

portals since. SWOE was published in '98, UBM in 2000, and SBP in 2003.

Important steps along my recovery path included learning how to say " No "

(ie, boundaries) and breaking down the door and stepping out of the box

that I'd been stuffed into by my BPD/NPD nada and BPD/NPD hubby all

those past decades.

Like Lawson wrote in UBM (p 296): " The borderline's grown children ...

sometimes feel discounted, discredited, and disbelieved. At other times

they feel ... fed up with wild stories, fabrication and deceit.

Regardless of which way they turn in the emotional labyrinth, they end

up feeling crazy. Their lives are filled with false beliefs, mythology,

fantasy, fabrication, distortion, and deceit. "

And on p 301 Lawson wrote: " Changing false self-beliefs requires

rerouting neural pathways. "

It takes awhile for the re-wiring process to occur. We KOs do it by

taking one tiny step at a time, and at the endpoint one's life is

changed forever. You guys'll know when you get there. Keep your eyes

focused on the light at the end of the tunnel.

- Edith

Under the lamp post

Joy wrote:

> Hi, everyone,

>

> I haven't been here for quite some time, but I thought my experience

> of the last couple of months may be of some help. Or maybe I just

> need some validation from all of you (lol).

>

> My nada is in her 70's, and although she has been receiving

> treatment for Major Depressive Disorder for the last year, and

> attempts at treatment for Bi-Polar Disorder which she refuses, she

> has not been diagnosed with or treated for BPD. She's the high-

> functioning/acting-out type, so I don't expect her to ever receive

> treatment. But she made a statement a few days ago which reinforces

> my belief that BPs are born as well as made. She was commenting on

> a remark my d-i-l made about my infant grandson's having a temper.

> My nada said, " There's nothing wrong with having a temper. I've

> always had a temper. My daddy used to call me his little setting

> hen. " For those of you who may not be familiar with the barnyard, a

> setting hen is one who has a nest of eggs which she will defend

> violently if you disturb it.