Re: Free-- Seriously Folks....

[Guest guest]

Barb,

I was not aware that I poked fun at you when you were upset. I was

not aware that I poked fun at you at all.

I agree that it is not appropriate to poke fun at someone when they

want support and want to be listened to.

The post you responded to (implying I use humor innappropriately) was

in the post in which, during the flaring of feelings over the

religion topic, I asked if there were any post anybody LIKED.

The religion topic IS a taboo in this room. And the room started

taking on a " negativity " of its own. I see nothing innappropriate

about trying to light-heartedly SHIFT AWAY from that negativity.

I had no intent to belittle or poke fun at anyone - nor did I. I did

hope that some people would join in THAT discussion (of things we

LIKED) - to balance out the toxic effect the religious discussion

seemed to be having on the room.

There were MANY posts " in the hatch " that had very valid and often

serious points -yet did not focus on religion. Those posts, for the

most part, became invisible as the entire room focused on the drama

of the relgion topic. We missed some opprotunities to grow from

addressing those posts - and more importantly, people's need for

support on those OTHER issues were virtually DISMISSED as the entire

room focused on the drama of who was saying what to whom about

religion (which again, isn't even a VALID topic for this room).

And I do think even THAT is a KO pattern. The rest of the world

stopped - to focus on the drama. It suddenly became " innappropriate "

to talk about anything but the drama. To talk of something else was

showing " disrespect " to the drama.

Personally, I think a skill we could develop as KO's is to balance

some of that out. To not let drama, when it rears its head - become

our entire focus. To put it in a different perspective in the weight

we give it in our attention.

That is not to say we don't also talk about our feelings about, and

our reactions to, the drama. But that is to say - that it becomes ONE

of the things that takes our time and attention. It doesn't " own " us

or take over our minds.

And I agree with you that there are many good books - and even

websites - that can help people learn skills to listen better.

Yet - I also think we are talking about two seperate issues here. My

use of humor is one issue. My listening skills is another.

Apparently you did not like my use of humor in that situation. And

again, if I poke fun AT someone, or use humor in a hurtful way - I

certainly would want feedback to inform me of that. There are group

members I do NOT use humor with. With them, I know it is not

appropriate. Yet I do not want to rob others, who find my humor

helpful and healing of THEIR right to recieve THAT type of support

(yes..humor CAN be supportive) from me. Most often the members I use

humor directly with are the people who respond positively to my

general humor. (Ah... there is a method to my madness).

Yet my use of humor does not indicate I do not have the skills to

listen supportively. And there are all types of ways to listen

supportively. (Advising, analyzing, supporting, questioning, judging,

and reflecting are the top five)...and I do agree that having more

than one way to listen supportively to others is very good....

Free

-- In ModOasis , positivevibesss@a... wrote:

> I love humor. But when I'm upset about something, I don't

appreciate

> people poking fun at me. Most people don't.

>

> In childbirth class, the instructor warned the men *not* to make

jokes

> while their wives were in labor. She said women become furious, and

> feel deeply hurt.

>

> Let's not distort the truth -- humor has its place -- and it is not

> appropriate to poke fun at someone who wants support and wants to

be listened to. Like

> I said -- there are many good books out there and give advice on

good

> listening techniques, and good support techniques. I went through

intensive marriage

> therapy and had the experience of being reprimanded many times by

the

> therapist when I wasn't listening and being supportive. It is an

*art* to be

> learned.

>

> Barb T.

>

>

>

>

>

> In a message dated 3/18/04 10:08:34 AM Eastern Standard Time,

> free_spirit_etc@y... writes:

>

> > Healing Power of Humor

> >

> > Studies are now showing that laughter may be one of the

healthiest

> > things

>

>

>

>