Guest guest Posted September 15, 2004 Report Share Posted September 15, 2004 Wow. Sounds like you are under an enormous amount of emotional stress and dealing with an equal amount of abuse. I think we all know what we need to do in regards to abusive relationships, that isn't the issue. The issue, imo, is believing we have a right to leave, to have a peaceful life and believing that is possible. Anyone can tell us " Leave! " but for KO's it is a process much like cult victims go through; replacing the old, negative, false conditioning with the truth. You and I and all of us are capable of taking care of ourselves. Nadas don't want us to believe that because of their fear of abandonment. I remember a time when I could not imagine leaving nada, but eventually I did. But for a long time, I simply couldn't imagine it. It didn't seem like a possibility. Why? Because of years of conditioning, years of guilt and obligation. Its all bullshit, all lies to keep us sick and weak and at their disposal. Just know this: It is possible to be free of nada even if you can't imagine that right now, know it is possible and let that resonate. IMO, nada's behaviors and verbal abuse are driven by one factor: to keep us down and keep us around. Once we see the truth, day by day, we become stronger and begin to realize that we are entitled to our own life. We weren't put on this planet to be tormented by nada. The strength is within each of us to be free, but it doesn't happen overnight. It is a process. We were conditioned to believe we were responsible for our nadas, that we were bad, etc and for years we believed that. But there is a part of us, a big part, just waiting to emerge, to be free and that part is stronger than we may imagine,stronger than all the lies. Keep walking in the light of truth and sharing your story and visualize your life as you would like it, and if you stick with it, it will come to pass. That is my experience and my belief. Take care, > I haven't really posted anything in regards to myself here before, > > but reading the msg's help calm me with my own struggle dealing with > > somone with bpd issues. I'm rather long winded so ill apologize in > > advance, this is the msg i posted to the board (www.bpdcentral.com) > > just as it went down. I'm having such a hard time, so i have to take > > the chance you won't mind. This is about myself i'm a 33 year old > > daughter who lives with her crazy sick bpd mother. > > > > *begins* > > > > hi guys =) > > > > Just to refresh, I moved in with my mom about a year ago. She was > > having a surgery and I just happened to be ending a relationship i > > was in. I was going to stay and finish school but part of me > > thought, ok a lot of me thought my mom was dieing. I came home to be > > with her and help her.She has heart disease it's true, she has had > > it for 20 some years and so i have pretty much thought she was going > > to die at a very young age. She said it a lot too so that didn't > > help much. > > > > I came home and for a year i have bent to every wish, command and > > absorbed every rage and ounce of blame that said i was evil and a > > disapointment and inconsiderate. I just tried harder. At the point > > her rages started to intensify on a daily (almost daily ) basis i > > began to search the net. I found this place, which has helped me in > > so many ways already that i can't even name them (thank you all for > > being here). I discovered that (maybe rediscovered) that no matter > > what i did i couldn't please her, i couldn't berate myself enough, i > > couldn't accept blame enough, i couldn't do anything right enough to > > earn a thank you . When she returned to therapy i actually did get a > > few thank yous. Though, I don't know about them exactly. Most of my > > life is me split black. My mom has helped me out of quite a few bad > > spots and when i lived alone esp seemed much nicer. So she has her > > plus points. > > > > She has panic attacks, and post traumatic stress disorder, with a > > bug phobia on top of what i believe w/out the blink of an eye is > > BPD. I'm Back in therapy myself. I felt like i coulnd't leave > > because she has a way of telling you - you can not survive on your > > own (even when im working). I could live with that i can't live with > > the violence. Her violent very immature rages started to increase > > again. Mostly around the time that I said i wanted to find an > > *office*(edit: i am a freelance graphic designer) to work at during > > the day and i would come home to make sure she was ok at night. I'm > > 33 , there shouldn't be an issue with my trying to carve out a life. > > But there are lots of issues, from not helping her clean enough (she > > can't stop), to me abandoning her to die (which i never suggested), > > to hating her (which i never say, but she says to me when she doesnt > > get her way). > > > > Recently, as in a few days ago, i decided i couldnt handle the daily > > rages (sometimes 2 or 3) the constant anxiety or talking her down > > from her new crisis, whatever that might be. I can't live. Mostly > > it 's her blaming me and yelling at me for being inconsiderate. It's > > easy to crush me with such statements. So, i told her in what i > > believed was a loving and honest way that i no longer want to be > > yelled at. For anything. If she has something to say or fix , that's > > fine. No more yelling. No more getting ragey infront of our family > > and throwning things on the ground and demanding i pick them up like > > a servant. Ididn't like it. And we discussed lots of other things. > > > > she felt i was saying i was *queen of the house and everyone has to > > do what i say* > > > > i guess that was projection. > > > > > > So, i wake up the next day go about my business. Run a few short > > errands and stop in at my brother's shop to help him with new > > advertising. She always knows where to find me if she needs to. She > > calls, claims i didn't leave a note, that this is exactly what she > > is talkinga bout, i am inconsiderate, and i just want her to die. > > > > I said actually i was going to call, (because i forgot to leave a > > note) but i decided not to because she was sleeping (fi you wake her > > you pay twice the price). she pauses, as if she doesn't know how to > > continue yelling at me - but she does. More of the unreasonable > > same. THen she kicks me out. Says i make her take pills to be calm > > because i'm so rude to her , telling her she yells at me all the > > time (which she was yelling) then hangs up the phone. > > > > No big deal really, i was just out that day looking for an > > office/apartment to work from. I never said when i would get an > > apartment but i dunno. > > > > I come home, she rages, and rages, and says so many horrible things > > to me like , i shoudl go fu*k myself, and die penniless and rot in > > hell, and she never wants to see me again, she doesn't know what to > > do with me, how can i do this to her (which is what, ask her not to > > yell? i guess so). no one cares about her, all her kids shut her out > > (i just wanted control over my own life and will no longer put all > > my life plans aside - i can meet anyone half way but anyway)... > > > > The rage goes on for so long and it's late at night, that it's like > > 3 or 4 hours of constant stuff. SO i said *mom i love you, i don't > > want to see you in pain, i don't want you to be sad, if you want me > > to move out that's fine, i respect that* (lots of her scoffing that > > i respect anything) * but i feel our conversations are no longer > > constructive, if you want to talk about anything, i will do it with > > a therapist. we can go to yours or mine, doesn't matter. You can > > ride down with me, or with ryan, or with a friend. I'm sorry but I > > can't have these conversations anymore* > > > > > > All sorts of stuff ensued after that. i hate her, she wants to beat > > me up, i made some sort of comment which i shouldnt have it got me > > into trouble cause she said she will go get her gun and blow my > > brains out, it scared me kinda but i just kept aplogisiing and > > saying that i did care about her and that our relationship wsn't > > over that we just maybe needed some space. > > > > > > it rages on. > > > > > > she told me to leave a hundred times. That's ok. I can do that. even > > gladly (the fear of not being able to take care of myself is by far > > easier to digest than her constant raging). So she slams my door a > > lot. screams a lot. throws a lot. I even wrote her an email this > > morning , but to no avail she is not talking just slamming things. > > Which is ok by me. I didn't know what to expect when i came home. I > > don't know what to expect at all, except that i f i can help it il > > lhave a place to sleep by friday. If it's really bad, my brother > > said i can stay with him. Though, my father said (they are divorced) > > that i should still try and make the apartment and office, because > > mom will go crazy with fear if im not there. I'm not sure what to > > do. > > > > she is voilently angry and slamming stuff around now. (because i'm > > evil and trying to kill her by being mean asking her not to yell at > > me ). > > > > So, is really stressful. My stomach is in knots , im massively > > lightheaded.My mother's rages scare me. I don't want to be a product > > of her violence in words or deeds. I don't want to see her drop dead > > from a rage either. > > > > > > I know she had a therapy apointment today so that's a plus but i > > just don't know what to do or expect. It's certainly a mixed > > blessing she is asking me to leave because i didn't know how to say > > that i was even going to get an office. But i know when i go to move > > out it will get so much more intense. > > > > She keeps saying things like this is a divorce, you are leaving me > > like you left matt and robb (my husband and my last boyfriend), our > > relationship is ruined and over blah blah blah. it's so creepy. I > > have felt like surogate husband here for a long time. She makes > > weird lesbian comments, every other day she is tgay or straight. i > > don't care just pick one and stop trying to get sattention. anyway. > > this im sure is long enough. > > > > I had to vent, i'm home fretting like crazy. > > but i'm going. > > > tea > > > > ps. i nearly forgot. She said she wouldnt do counsiling with me. If > > i coudnt' acept her the way she is , i can leave. she did that with > > my father and she is too sick to do it again. > > > > and at one point in our conversations i said something about having > > needs as well *the don't yell at me every hour of the day need* she > > said *BUT IM THE ONE WHO IS DIEING* . which is really such a slap in > > the face to me. > > > > > > > --- > Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free. > Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com). > Version: 6.0.752 / Virus Database: 503 - Release Date: 9/3/2004 > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 15, 2004 Report Share Posted September 15, 2004 GET OUT!!!! If you can. Find a good therapist, reach out to support, utilize this group and those who understand you. It won't be an easy process, rather a necessary process. It took me a long time to get to the place where I could leave and remove myself from my nada's horrible abuse and rages. First I moved halfway across the country to physically get away from her. After 5 or so years of slowly separating from her (and my fada) emotionally, I finally had enough courage to make a final break. You can get there, just believe in yourself and ignore all of the negative messages she sends you. (easier said than done, i know) My nada has had a chronic illness (Hepatitis C) for 38 years. Most days of my childhood she threatened to kill herself. Within the past year she has used the chronic illnes to try to " suck me back in " . It almost worked. Nada's suck the life out of you and your nada sounds very much like my nada. Her rages were so intense, telling me she hated me and wished I were dead, telling me to rot in hell, etc. She would scream at me, at my friends, strangers in public, dinner guests, and basically anyone around. Hang in there, April > > I haven't really posted anything in regards to myself here before, > > > but reading the msg's help calm me with my own struggle dealing > with > > > somone with bpd issues. I'm rather long winded so ill apologize > in > > > advance, this is the msg i posted to the board > (www.bpdcentral.com) > > > just as it went down. I'm having such a hard time, so i have to > take > > > the chance you won't mind. This is about myself i'm a 33 year > old > > > daughter who lives with her crazy sick bpd mother. > > > > > > *begins* > > > > > > hi guys =) > > > > > > Just to refresh, I moved in with my mom about a year ago. She > was > > > having a surgery and I just happened to be ending a relationship > i > > > was in. I was going to stay and finish school but part of me > > > thought, ok a lot of me thought my mom was dieing. I came home > to be > > > with her and help her.She has heart disease it's true, she has > had > > > it for 20 some years and so i have pretty much thought she was > going > > > to die at a very young age. She said it a lot too so that didn't > > > help much. > > > > > > I came home and for a year i have bent to every wish, command > and > > > absorbed every rage and ounce of blame that said i was evil and > a > > > disapointment and inconsiderate. I just tried harder. At the > point > > > her rages started to intensify on a daily (almost daily ) basis > i > > > began to search the net. I found this place, which has helped me > in > > > so many ways already that i can't even name them (thank you all > for > > > being here). I discovered that (maybe rediscovered) that no > matter > > > what i did i couldn't please her, i couldn't berate myself > enough, i > > > couldn't accept blame enough, i couldn't do anything right > enough to > > > earn a thank you . When she returned to therapy i actually did > get a > > > few thank yous. Though, I don't know about them exactly. Most of > my > > > life is me split black. My mom has helped me out of quite a few > bad > > > spots and when i lived alone esp seemed much nicer. So she has > her > > > plus points. > > > > > > She has panic attacks, and post traumatic stress disorder, with > a > > > bug phobia on top of what i believe w/out the blink of an eye is > > > BPD. I'm Back in therapy myself. I felt like i coulnd't leave > > > because she has a way of telling you - you can not survive on > your > > > own (even when im working). I could live with that i can't live > with > > > the violence. Her violent very immature rages started to > increase > > > again. Mostly around the time that I said i wanted to find an > > > *office*(edit: i am a freelance graphic designer) to work at > during > > > the day and i would come home to make sure she was ok at night. > I'm > > > 33 , there shouldn't be an issue with my trying to carve out a > life. > > > But there are lots of issues, from not helping her clean enough > (she > > > can't stop), to me abandoning her to die (which i never > suggested), > > > to hating her (which i never say, but she says to me when she > doesnt > > > get her way). > > > > > > Recently, as in a few days ago, i decided i couldnt handle the > daily > > > rages (sometimes 2 or 3) the constant anxiety or talking her > down > > > from her new crisis, whatever that might be. I can't live. > Mostly > > > it 's her blaming me and yelling at me for being inconsiderate. > It's > > > easy to crush me with such statements. So, i told her in what i > > > believed was a loving and honest way that i no longer want to be > > > yelled at. For anything. If she has something to say or fix , > that's > > > fine. No more yelling. No more getting ragey infront of our > family > > > and throwning things on the ground and demanding i pick them up > like > > > a servant. Ididn't like it. And we discussed lots of other > things. > > > > > > she felt i was saying i was *queen of the house and everyone has > to > > > do what i say* > > > > > > i guess that was projection. > > > > > > > > > So, i wake up the next day go about my business. Run a few short > > > errands and stop in at my brother's shop to help him with new > > > advertising. She always knows where to find me if she needs to. > She > > > calls, claims i didn't leave a note, that this is exactly what > she > > > is talkinga bout, i am inconsiderate, and i just want her to die. > > > > > > I said actually i was going to call, (because i forgot to leave > a > > > note) but i decided not to because she was sleeping (fi you wake > her > > > you pay twice the price). she pauses, as if she doesn't know how > to > > > continue yelling at me - but she does. More of the unreasonable > > > same. THen she kicks me out. Says i make her take pills to be > calm > > > because i'm so rude to her , telling her she yells at me all the > > > time (which she was yelling) then hangs up the phone. > > > > > > No big deal really, i was just out that day looking for an > > > office/apartment to work from. I never said when i would get an > > > apartment but i dunno. > > > > > > I come home, she rages, and rages, and says so many horrible > things > > > to me like , i shoudl go fu*k myself, and die penniless and rot > in > > > hell, and she never wants to see me again, she doesn't know what > to > > > do with me, how can i do this to her (which is what, ask her not > to > > > yell? i guess so). no one cares about her, all her kids shut her > out > > > (i just wanted control over my own life and will no longer put > all > > > my life plans aside - i can meet anyone half way but anyway)... > > > > > > The rage goes on for so long and it's late at night, that it's > like > > > 3 or 4 hours of constant stuff. SO i said *mom i love you, i > don't > > > want to see you in pain, i don't want you to be sad, if you want > me > > > to move out that's fine, i respect that* (lots of her scoffing > that > > > i respect anything) * but i feel our conversations are no longer > > > constructive, if you want to talk about anything, i will do it > with > > > a therapist. we can go to yours or mine, doesn't matter. You can > > > ride down with me, or with ryan, or with a friend. I'm sorry but > I > > > can't have these conversations anymore* > > > > > > > > > All sorts of stuff ensued after that. i hate her, she wants to > beat > > > me up, i made some sort of comment which i shouldnt have it got > me > > > into trouble cause she said she will go get her gun and blow my > > > brains out, it scared me kinda but i just kept aplogisiing and > > > saying that i did care about her and that our relationship wsn't > > > over that we just maybe needed some space. > > > > > > > > > it rages on. > > > > > > > > > she told me to leave a hundred times. That's ok. I can do that. > even > > > gladly (the fear of not being able to take care of myself is by > far > > > easier to digest than her constant raging). So she slams my door > a > > > lot. screams a lot. throws a lot. I even wrote her an email this > > > morning , but to no avail she is not talking just slamming > things. > > > Which is ok by me. I didn't know what to expect when i came > home. I > > > don't know what to expect at all, except that i f i can help it > il > > > lhave a place to sleep by friday. If it's really bad, my brother > > > said i can stay with him. Though, my father said (they are > divorced) > > > that i should still try and make the apartment and office, > because > > > mom will go crazy with fear if im not there. I'm not sure what > to > > > do. > > > > > > she is voilently angry and slamming stuff around now. (because > i'm > > > evil and trying to kill her by being mean asking her not to yell > at > > > me ). > > > > > > So, is really stressful. My stomach is in knots , im massively > > > lightheaded.My mother's rages scare me. I don't want to be a > product > > > of her violence in words or deeds. I don't want to see her drop > dead > > > from a rage either. > > > > > > > > > I know she had a therapy apointment today so that's a plus but i > > > just don't know what to do or expect. It's certainly a mixed > > > blessing she is asking me to leave because i didn't know how to > say > > > that i was even going to get an office. But i know when i go to > move > > > out it will get so much more intense. > > > > > > She keeps saying things like this is a divorce, you are leaving > me > > > like you left matt and robb (my husband and my last boyfriend), > our > > > relationship is ruined and over blah blah blah. it's so creepy. > I > > > have felt like surogate husband here for a long time. She makes > > > weird lesbian comments, every other day she is tgay or straight. > i > > > don't care just pick one and stop trying to get sattention. > anyway. > > > this im sure is long enough. > > > > > > I had to vent, i'm home fretting like crazy. > > > but i'm going. > > > > > tea > > > > > > ps. i nearly forgot. She said she wouldnt do counsiling with me. > If > > > i coudnt' acept her the way she is , i can leave. she did that > with > > > my father and she is too sick to do it again. > > > > > > and at one point in our conversations i said something about > having > > > needs as well *the don't yell at me every hour of the day need* > she > > > said *BUT IM THE ONE WHO IS DIEING* . which is really such a > slap in > > > the face to me. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > --- > > Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free. > > Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com). > > Version: 6.0.752 / Virus Database: 503 - Release Date: 9/3/2004 > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 15, 2004 Report Share Posted September 15, 2004 Hi Pink Tea, I have put my comments throughout your post. ''''''''>When she returned to therapy i actually did get a > > few thank yous. Though, I don't know about them exactly. Most of my > > life is me split black. My mom has helped me out of quite a few bad > > spots and when i lived alone esp seemed much nicer. So she has her > > plus points. **********This seems quite common, and a good reason for you to find a place of your own. >..... I felt like i coulnd't leave > > because she has a way of telling you - you can not survive on your > > own (even when im working). I could live with that i can't live with > > the violence. *****It is probably that your mother feels that she can't live by herself, but is projecting this on you. She also probably fears abandonment, and telling you this is a way to keep you with her. .........Her violent very immature rages started to increase > > again. Mostly around the time that I said i wanted to find an > > *office*(edit: i am a freelance graphic designer) to work at during > > the day and i would come home to make sure she was ok at night. *****This is probably another response to feeling of abandonment. ..........> > Recently, as in a few days ago, i decided i couldnt handle the daily > > rages (sometimes 2 or 3) the constant anxiety or talking her down > > from her new crisis, whatever that might be. I can't live. Mostly > > it 's her blaming me and yelling at me for being inconsiderate. It's > > easy to crush me with such statements. So, i told her in what i > > believed was a loving and honest way that i no longer want to be > > yelled at. For anything. If she has something to say or fix , that's > > fine. No more yelling. No more getting ragey infront of our family > > and throwning things on the ground and demanding i pick them up like > > a servant. Ididn't like it. And we discussed lots of other things. ****This was an excellent way of dealing with the situation. You told her your boundaries and how you expected her to treat her. > > > > she felt i was saying i was *queen of the house and everyone has to > > do what i say* > > > > i guess that was projection. *****You guessed right! ..............> > I come home, she rages, and rages, and says so many horrible things > > to me like , i shoudl go fu*k myself, and die penniless and rot in > > hell, and she never wants to see me again, she doesn't know what to > > do with me, how can i do this to her (which is what, ask her not to > > yell? i guess so). no one cares about her, all her kids shut her out *****This, and the other things she says to you are verbal and emotional abuse. BPs often get away with this because they upset people so much and others try not to get into a confrontation with them. .......> > (i just wanted control over my own life and will no longer put all > > my life plans aside - i can meet anyone half way but anyway)... > > > > The rage goes on for so long and it's late at night, that it's like > > 3 or 4 hours of constant stuff. SO i said *mom i love you, i don't > > want to see you in pain, i don't want you to be sad, if you want me > > to move out that's fine, i respect that* (lots of her scoffing that > > i respect anything) * but i feel our conversations are no longer > > constructive, if you want to talk about anything, i will do it with > > a therapist. we can go to yours or mine, doesn't matter. You can > > ride down with me, or with ryan, or with a friend. I'm sorry but I > > can't have these conversations anymore* *********Another good example of setting boundaries. Remember that we also have to defend those boundaries, and someone with BPD will want to do whatever they can to break down the boundaries. > > > > > > All sorts of stuff ensued after that. i hate her, she wants to beat > > me up, i made some sort of comment which i shouldnt have it got me > > into trouble cause she said she will go get her gun and blow my > > brains out, it scared me kinda but i just kept aplogisiing and > > saying that i did care about her and that our relationship wsn't > > over that we just maybe needed some space. ......... I > > don't know what to expect at all, except that i f i can help it il > > lhave a place to sleep by friday. If it's really bad, my brother > > said i can stay with him. Though, my father said (they are divorced) > > that i should still try and make the apartment and office, because > > mom will go crazy with fear if im not there. I'm not sure what to > > do. *******Take care of YOURSELF, first. You need and deserve a safe and secure place to live and work, and only you can give that to yourself. Your mother won't go crazy with fear, although she may try to make you think that will happen. Shame on your father for expecting you to put up with all of this. >............> > So, is really stressful. My stomach is in knots , im massively > > lightheaded.My mother's rages scare me. I don't want to be a product > > of her violence in words or deeds. I don't want to see her drop dead > > from a rage either. ****Of course this is stressful! You have put your life on hold, taken care of your mother, put up with her abuse, and who is taking care of you, and seeing that you get what your need? And, she IS NOT going to drop dead from a rage. It seems like she has used this illness as a way of controlling you and getting her needs met. > > > > > > I know she had a therapy apointment today so that's a plus but i > > just don't know what to do or expect. It's certainly a mixed > > blessing she is asking me to leave because i didn't know how to say > > that i was even going to get an office. But i know when i go to move > > out it will get so much more intense. > > > > She keeps saying things like this is a divorce, you are leaving me > > like you left matt and robb (my husband and my last boyfriend), our > > relationship is ruined and over blah blah blah. it's so creepy. *****She is trying to make you feel guilty in order to make you stay with her. >I > > have felt like surogate husband here for a long time. She makes > > weird lesbian comments, every other day she is tgay or straight. i > > don't care just pick one and stop trying to get sattention. anyway. > > this im sure is long enough. > > > > I had to vent, i'm home fretting like crazy. > > but i'm going. > > > tea > > > > ps. i nearly forgot. She said she wouldnt do counsiling with me. If > > i coudnt' acept her the way she is , i can leave. she did that with > > my father and she is too sick to do it again. > > > > and at one point in our conversations i said something about having > > needs as well *the don't yell at me every hour of the day need* she > > said *BUT IM THE ONE WHO IS DIEING* . which is really such a slap in > > the face to me. *****She seems to think that because she is your mother, and because she is 'dying' that she doesn't have to be accountable for her actions. My nada acts like that, she thinks that because we are family, she can do and say whatever, and that we should just get over it. Have you read the book, 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'? It gives very good advice on how to talk to someone with BPD, and how to handle various situations. I hope you do find a place of your own. You can then create the kind of life that you want for yourself. And you can do this at your own pace, celebrating little successes along the way. Since you are in therapy, your therapist can help you with this too. Does your therapist know that your mother has BPD? I can understand thinking that you may not be able to take care of yourself. My nada taught me to feel helpless and incapable of doing anything on my own. But I have managed to create a good career and raise two wonderful children. I still deal with the fear of being incapable of suceeding at something, but I talk myself through it when necessary. Good luck to you, and keep posting to let us know how you are doing, Sylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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