Re: KO's 'luxuries' - reply to Edith

[Guest guest]

I have been aware for a long time of how utterly insane my mother is, but I

didn't really get, until this last year, how much her insanity transformed my

personality. I don't like to be in groups of people, I have the ability to

completely shut off my hearing (and sometimes it happens unintentionally), and

when I get stressed which happened a lot this past year, I become panic stricken

like a kid. I have an inordinate amount of fear (especially of her) and low

self confidence. I am taking a new approach to some of these unfortunate

traits, and just going to accept them.

Interesting, Edith, about the information on personality just becoming

available. Reactive Attachment Disorder has sort of become a focus of mine, and

in

the process of looking up information on that, found some studies which examine

how many serious personality disorders are result in inappropriate

caregiving in the earliest months of life, including, of course, NPD.

Only in the last few months, have studies published showing that psychopaths

have damage to their empathic system, which allows them to humiliate, rape and

murder their victims without remorse. The brain damage in a RAD kid who is

seriously RAD, not moderate like my 7 year old, can be seen on c-scan, a black

hole where love and empathy should reside, but don't anymore. This is the

consciousless child who becomes a consciousless adult. If that part of the

brain

is missing, you can't rewire it.

I came to this after adopting two RADishes. It was the worst and best thing

that happened in my life. We could not keep them in our family, as they were

killing pets and trying to kill the other children, and, once we got

physicians to actually listen to us that there was a problem (not so easy, I

assure

you), they have spent the last 10 months in psychiatric treatment. It was

horrifying to lose two kids, and to see what such small kids were capable of was

frightening. I have, since I was a small child, made a hobby of rescuing bugs,

cats, dogs, rabbits, birds, and then, as an adult, my husband and I adopted

children. That I could not make these children better, regardless of how much

attention, love and logic I focused on them, was frustrating and perplexing.

However, what I learned from this was how incredibly fragile humans are,

especially in the earliest stages on exogestation. All the hugging and kissing

and

cuddling you do of your baby is what hooks up the brain. Incredibly, failing

to tickle the soles of the foot and run your hands across your baby's thighs,

will result in parts of the brain not correctly perceiving tactile stimulation.

And it goes on and on from there.

My point, as I ramble on about something not very BP or NPD in subject

matter, is that the disruption of our adoption has refocused my attention on

childhood brain trauma, and I see the abuse my mother perpetrated as changes to

my

brain, and I know also that she suffers from brain damage, more substantial than

mine, apparently. However, there is a point at which, as sad as it is, we

cannot go forward in a relationship with another human being because we are not

able to carry the burden and further.

Thank you all for the encouragement to that end.

Marla

[Guest guest]

Hi Marla,

I hear you loud and clear. And I can hear the fire in your belly.

I spent a dozen years doing volunteer work at the local " kid

prison " for minor felons. The place was populated with

youngsters who had committed murder, arson, and other heinous

crimes. The thing that was lacking in their lives was a parent

who gave a damn. And their brains obviously were wired wrong or

unwired. Sad! And frustrating work! But I was successful with

one who'd had an NPD father. During the 12 years I worked with

Bill, I was able to watch him grow from a 2 yo to a 12-14 yo,

emotionally, before our paths parted. I learned from him the

rudiments that helped me focus on personality disorders in an

era when there was nothing available about that stuff.

" Graduates " from these KO lists are already populating the

professions as psychologists, social workers, lawyers, & etc.

And no one knows better than a KO what its like to walk in that

same ill-fitting pair of shoes our nadas/fadas forced us to wear.

There's a new day dawning on the horizon. And my vision is that

everyone here on these KO lists will help carry the torch to

light the way.

Marla, I'm glad you found us. You might want to also join my

GalFriday list where I've recently started stashing stuff,

research and otherwise, that may some day be helpful to others

re personality disorders. My academic background and passion is

in psychoneuroimmunology (PNI) -- the relationship between the

mind and the body. One of the things PNI has to do with is how

toxic parent/s make KOs physically ill -- ie, lupus,

fibromyalgia, spastic colon, etc etc. My GalFriday list is open

to all who wish to join. Its at:

http://www.yahoogroups.com/group/GalFriday

or send me your emal addy and I'll add your name to that 'read

only' list.

Hugs,

- Edith

psm568@... wrote:

> I have been aware for a long time of how utterly insane my mother is, but I

> didn't really get, until this last year, how much her insanity transformed my

> personality. I don't like to be in groups of people, I have the ability to

> completely shut off my hearing (and sometimes it happens unintentionally), and

> when I get stressed which happened a lot this past year, I become panic

stricken

> like a kid. I have an inordinate amount of fear (especially of her) and low

> self confidence. I am taking a new approach to some of these unfortunate

> traits, and just going to accept them.

>

> Interesting, Edith, about the information on personality just becoming

> available. Reactive Attachment Disorder has sort of become a focus of mine,

and in

> the process of looking up information on that, found some studies which

examine

> how many serious personality disorders are result in inappropriate

> caregiving in the earliest months of life, including, of course, NPD.

>

> Only in the last few months, have studies published showing that psychopaths

> have damage to their empathic system, which allows them to humiliate, rape and

> murder their victims without remorse. The brain damage in a RAD kid who is

> seriously RAD, not moderate like my 7 year old, can be seen on c-scan, a black

> hole where love and empathy should reside, but don't anymore. This is the

> consciousless child who becomes a consciousless adult. If that part of the

brain

> is missing, you can't rewire it.

>

> I came to this after adopting two RADishes. It was the worst and best thing

> that happened in my life. We could not keep them in our family, as they were

> killing pets and trying to kill the other children, and, once we got

> physicians to actually listen to us that there was a problem (not so easy, I

assure

> you), they have spent the last 10 months in psychiatric treatment. It was

> horrifying to lose two kids, and to see what such small kids were capable of

was

> frightening. I have, since I was a small child, made a hobby of rescuing

bugs,

> cats, dogs, rabbits, birds, and then, as an adult, my husband and I adopted

> children. That I could not make these children better, regardless of how much

> attention, love and logic I focused on them, was frustrating and perplexing.

> However, what I learned from this was how incredibly fragile humans are,

> especially in the earliest stages on exogestation. All the hugging and

kissing and

> cuddling you do of your baby is what hooks up the brain. Incredibly, failing

> to tickle the soles of the foot and run your hands across your baby's thighs,

> will result in parts of the brain not correctly perceiving tactile

stimulation.

> And it goes on and on from there.

>

> My point, as I ramble on about something not very BP or NPD in subject

> matter, is that the disruption of our adoption has refocused my attention on

> childhood brain trauma, and I see the abuse my mother perpetrated as changes

to my

> brain, and I know also that she suffers from brain damage, more substantial

than

> mine, apparently. However, there is a point at which, as sad as it is, we

> cannot go forward in a relationship with another human being because we are

not

> able to carry the burden and further.

>

> Thank you all for the encouragement to that end.

>

> Marla

[Guest guest]

psm568@... wrote:

> I have been aware for a long time of how utterly insane my mother is, but I

> didn't really get, until this last year, how much her insanity transformed my

> personality. I don't like to be in groups of people, I have the ability to

> completely shut off my hearing (and sometimes it happens unintentionally), and

> when I get stressed which happened a lot this past year, I become panic

stricken

> like a kid. I have an inordinate amount of fear (especially of her) and low

> self confidence. I am taking a new approach to some of these unfortunate

> traits, and just going to accept them.

Yes, yes, yes. I hear you. I was like that but I've been able to

overcome most of the things you've listed above while on these

KO lists for the past 8 years. I got my " voice " only within the

past two years, my PTSD is mostly under control, my

trichotillomania is gone, my tachycardias are a thing of the

past, I don't freeze via the fight-or-flight stuff, and my flea

infestation is mostly under control. I had no idea, when I first

learned about personality disorders, about the changes that

would occur in my life from getting validation and support from

other KOs. And then Randi published SWOE in 1998 and UBM

appeared in the year 2000. And, I learned a lot about NPD from

reading Sam Vaknin's FAQs and Archives. His stuff is at:

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq1.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/archive01.html

Cheers,

- Edith