Re: New to board - and to realization of nada's likely BP

[Guest guest]

Welcome.

BP's seem to live by double standards, don't they?

My nada is an extremely hurtful person. I find it hard to believe

that she's completely unaware of the effect her words and actions

have on me because out of everyone she knows, I am the sole

recipient of her caustic comments, and malicious pranks. When I

confront her she acts as if she's completely innocent. But when I

talk to her I have to be careful not to use the wrong tone of voice

or to put too much emphasis on certain words, because if I sound

like I'm attacking her even the slightest bit she goes into self

pity mode. She makes me feel like I'm the worst daughter in the

world, a horrible bully. She stares into the distance, tightens her

jaw as she pretends to fight back tears, and in her best soap opera

actor impersonation she says, " Do the other kids* treat their

parents as badly as you treat me? " or " I don't know what I do to you

to make you hate me so. "

*Note: I'm well into my 20s and she still thinks of me as a child.

As you can see, I cope by joking about it. It helps to remind me of

how rediculous it is.

My family (her sisters) put a lot of pressure on me to keep the

arguments under control. Eventually, my aunt just told me " Avoid

saying things that may start an argument. " So I stopped talking.

That's the only thing that seems to work, just not talking. Even in

silence I'm terribly lonely and frustrated when I'm with her. It

helps to spend time with friends and family. She still tries to pull

me into arguements every now and then, but there in lies a

fundamental truth about BPs - Eventhough they may blame us for the

hurt that they feel, We don't hurt them, they hurt themselves.

> Hello all

>

> I recently found this board, and have read a few of the posts.

Some

> of the stories/advice I have seen have already made me feel

welcome.

> I have had a lot of problems with my nada recently, and have come

to

> believe that she may have BP. I recently started counseling,

where I ...

[Guest guest]

Our nadas went to the same acting school! LOL! I think when nada

gets like this, she is really hurting, but she just doesn't get it

that she is overreacting, and that any of the foo whom she accuses of

mistreating her are not really doing so. It was my father who

expected my sister and me to just put up with nada, and to try to

avoid getting her 'upset'. It has taken me over 30 years to recover

from the first 21 years under nada's influence.

Take care,

Sylvia

> ..................... I am the sole

> recipient of her caustic comments, and malicious pranks. When I

> confront her she acts as if she's completely innocent. But when I

> talk to her I have to be careful not to use the wrong tone of voice

> or to put too much emphasis on certain words, because if I sound

> like I'm attacking her even the slightest bit she goes into self

> pity mode. She makes me feel like I'm the worst daughter in the

> world, a horrible bully. She stares into the distance, tightens her

> jaw as she pretends to fight back tears, and in her best soap opera

> actor impersonation she says, " Do the other kids* treat their

> parents as badly as you treat me? " or " I don't know what I do to

you

> to make you hate me so. "

[Guest guest]

> Our nadas went to the same acting school! LOL! I think when nada

> gets like this, she is really hurting, but she just doesn't get it

> that she is overreacting, and that any of the foo whom she accuses

of

> mistreating her are not really doing so. It was my father who

> expected my sister and me to just put up with nada, and to try to

> avoid getting her 'upset'. It has taken me over 30 years to

recover

> from the first 21 years under nada's influence.

>

> Take care,

>

> Sylvia

>

Hi, Sylvia --

Your post struck a chord. Do you feel resentment from your father for

being asked to shoulder the abuse? I know I do. I was always deeply

conflicted about it, too, because my father was my nurturer and was

an excellent parent to me in every other sense. If it weren't for

Dad, I don't know how I would have coped with Nada. Yet he expected

me to allow her to violate my boundaries to " keep the peace. "

I have a lot of anger at the people who saw the abuse and condoned it

or asked us (brothers and I) to just put up with it " as a favour to

me " (my father, in my case).

Dad and I have since talked about it -- in his case, he was so deeply

co-dependent he didn't understand what was happening. I'm trying to

forgive him.

Dad's and Nada's relationship also taught me some bad lessons I've

been trying to unlearn -- chiefly, that love is all about tolerance

and sucking it up.

My eyes have opened, now that they have divorced after 30 years of

marriage. Took Dad a while to finally break free, but he did.

Take good care.

R