Re: my mother

[Guest guest]

Debi, there are support groups for you. at the end of the last post, i believe

there is a link for nami--this is a group that supports mental health issues in

family. again, don't take this personal. there is a saying, " you can't

rationalize with a crazy person " there will be no logic to explain things. it

would be helpful for you to be around people who have relatives with your

mother's diagnosis so that your experiences are validated. are you in

counseling? it's tough to understand but it will never make sense to you

because it doesn't make sense to your mom. she is ill. does her counselor know

that she is being irresponsible with her medications--that is something her case

manager should know about. tiki

Re: New 2 BPD

I went on a web search tonight because I really wanted to know if I was

right or wrong about my mother. Sometimes it is so easy to make a misjudgment

about someone. What I found is that my mother is more of the PPD ( paranoid

personality disorder). Which seems to me to be a combination of Schitzophrenia,

Paranoid, and BP.

After reading a few of the experiences of these people I really feel

sorry for them. At the same time, getting along with them is improbable, if not

impossible. They just cannot be trusted and its hard to believe that they can

love anyone when they cannot be trusted.

There are a few things that puzzle me. My mother doesn't do the Severe

gouging of her body, just scratching herself badly and she doesn't do that all

the time as she prefers to gouge others both physically and mentally, My mother

has the desire to kill, and not just hurt someone else. She also hears voices,

and sees things that aren't there. Is this like some of your mothers (Nada's) or

am I barking up the wrong tree, so to speak? I am trying to find a way to

understand my mother and to find ways of dealing with her without the fireworks.

I already know to stay away from her when any of my siblings are around as she

can only " Play " mother to one of us at a time. Other wise she cannot deal with

it and blows up. She also has her favorites of course and so we definitely run

for the hills when her favorite child is with her. I, of course, am the " good "

child unless her favorite child is around then I am the scum of the earth. She

will side with the other person every time we disagree with each other even if I

am right about something. I think there was only one time she ever agreed with

me and then the other person was on her sh-- list, so that doesn't count.

I am just confused about what I want to do right now. If she

cannot help herself, I don't want to abandon her. At the same time, I am keeping

my kids away from her at all times. She will never see them again. Perhaps I am

worrying for nothing because once she finds out that the kids are not coming

around her ever again, she will probably cut me all bad again.

She does seem to do better when I am not around and so maybe its

better if I do stay out of her life. I guess I had better explain things a

little from her point of view as that is only fair. But it is very embarrassing,

shameful, and scary to mention (to me). I have had people turn completely

against me when I told them this. I am supposedly a product of incest. Since I

was 6 yrs old she has told me very many different stories because I had a hard

time believing such a thing of my Grand daddy. He denied it on his deathbed. My

aunts have confirmed that he tried to do the same to them. But the longest story

she has stuck to is that he is my father. Oh, she later told a different story,

but I think that was to make my Granny feel better because she was so old and

was soon to die. It also brought her favorite brother around to liking her

again. She seems to go through spells where she likes me, but really inside her

heart she hates me with a passion. Perhaps it was/is a constant reminder of what

happened to her and that is why she has always seemed to be so exceptionally

wishful that I was dead. I just wish I knew which way to turn.

Last night I had a crying spell. I am out of my anti-depressants so that

may be it. I just started thinking about things and wishing so badly that things

could be different. I feel that in some ways this group is good for me, and in

some ways its bad for me. The good ways is that it gives me friends who

understand what its like to have a parent like that. The bad way is that it

makes me think of stuff, I really do not want to think about right now.

As a kid, I can remember being made to lay down to take a nap no

matter where I was. It was usually on the bare floor at my aunts house. I would

lay under that chair and have these imaginary talks with my step-dad and I would

lay under there and cuss him out. I know my mother heard me because she was

sitting in the chair I was laying under, but she never acknowledged that it was

happening. I was crying about that last night. Knowing that no matter how bad he

hurt me mentally or physically she didn't care. I wonder now if she didn't enjoy

every minute of my abuse, especially since she started doing it to me herself

after he left her. she didn't even leave him when He tried to molest me. I

guess she really didn't give a damn. Oh she gave it lip service, but nothing

else. I am just thinking through writing, so I guess I better get off here. I

think that tomorrow I will see if I can find a way to get back into counseling.

They stopped taking people who couldn't afford to pay something. I just don't

know if they went to full scale or not. If they did, then thats the end of my

counseling for good unless I can find another place who will do it on a sliding

fee scale or free.

Debbie K.

[Guest guest]

Tiki,

She is on medication and in counseling. She doesn't always take her medication

because she says that it interferes with her other more " serious " medicines. She

has high blood pressure, a lung problem, and stuff such as that. The way she

keeps getting her SSI is that she must stay in couseling. They require her to be

seen once a month to stay on SSI. So that much is good. But the medication

doesn't do any good if it sits in a drawer and never or rarely gets used. I have

thought of having her put into a nursing home so the nurses could make sure that

she takes her medications. She turned totally against me and my baby brother for

even looking. One of her favorites told her that we were looking.

She has been diagnosed as paranoid schitzophrenic at one time, but as I said in

my last email I believe that she has PD, schitzophrenia, and the paranoia. I do

know that she is dangerous. She can turn on you in a split second and you may

not even know she coming at you until it happens. The kids say that snakes are

safer to be around. I have to agree with them. This doesn't make my decisions

any easier on whether to stick around her or not. She definitely hates/loves me?

How can you hate and love someone at the same time? I can't do it. She makes no

sense to me. Thank you for the advice, I will take it. My aunt and Granny

confirmed that mother has been like this all her life or practically all of it.

They thought of having her put away in an institution before I was born, but

those institutions were way worse then than they are now. My mother was ok while

we were little and so the family thought mother had grown out of it. Then when

my baby brother was 1 1/2 all the symptoms came back full blown. We kids never

saw her self mutilation until this past year and yet my aunt said it was quite

common when my mother was quite young. But even then she was more prone to hurt

others than herself. I don't know where to turn for support on this matter. Are

there support groups for people who's mother is like mine or am I in as good a

spot as I am going to get? I feel guilty for saying this but I am glad that she

is so old and so maybe she will die soon. I know that life has been hell for her

physically and mentally. At the same time she brought a lot of it on herself. I

am going to call in a few minutes to try to get back into counseling. I don't

know if I can or not, but its worth a try. Thank you for your advice and

support. It is very appreciated.

Debbie K.

Debbie K

Re: New 2 BPD

I went on a web search tonight because I really wanted to know if I was

right or wrong about my mother. Sometimes it is so easy to make a misjudgment

about someone. What I found is that my mother is more of the PPD ( paranoid

personality disorder). Which seems to me to be a combination of Schitzophrenia,

Paranoid, and BP.

After reading a few of the experiences of these people I really feel sorry

for them. At the same time, getting along with them is improbable, if not

impossible. They just cannot be trusted and its hard to believe that they can

love anyone when they cannot be trusted.

There are a few things that puzzle me. My mother doesn't do the Severe

gouging of her body, just scratching herself badly and she doesn't do that all

the time as she prefers to gouge others both physically and mentally, My mother

has the desire to kill, and not just hurt someone else. She also hears voices,

and sees things that aren't there. Is this like some of your mothers (Nada's) or

am I barking up the wrong tree, so to speak? I am trying to find a way to

understand my mother and to find ways of dealing with her without the fireworks.

I already know to stay away from her when any of my siblings are around as she

can only " Play " mother to one of us at a time. Other wise she cannot deal with

it and blows up. She also has her favorites of course and so we definitely run

for the hills when her favorite child is with her. I, of course, am the " good "

child unless her favorite child is around then I am the scum of the earth. She

will side with the other person every time we disagree with each other even if I

am right about something. I think there was only one time she ever agreed with

me and then the other person was on her sh-- list, so that doesn't count.

I am just confused about what I want to do right now. If she cannot

help herself, I don't want to abandon her. At the same time, I am keeping my

kids away from her at all times. She will never see them again. Perhaps I am

worrying for nothing because once she finds out that the kids are not coming

around her ever again, she will probably cut me all bad again.

She does seem to do better when I am not around and so maybe its

better if I do stay out of her life. I guess I had better explain things a

little from her point of view as that is only fair. But it is very embarrassing,

shameful, and scary to mention (to me). I have had people turn completely

against me when I told them this. I am supposedly a product of incest. Since I

was 6 yrs old she has told me very many different stories because I had a hard

time believing such a thing of my Grand daddy. He denied it on his deathbed. My

aunts have confirmed that he tried to do the same to them. But the longest story

she has stuck to is that he is my father. Oh, she later told a different story,

but I think that was to make my Granny feel better because she was so old and

was soon to die. It also brought her favorite brother around to liking her

again. She seems to go through spells where she likes me, but really inside her

heart she hates me with a passion. Perhaps it was/is a constant reminder of what

happened to her and that is why she has always seemed to be so exceptionally

wishful that I was dead. I just wish I knew which way to turn.

Last night I had a crying spell. I am out of my anti-depressants so that

may be it. I just started thinking about things and wishing so badly that things

could be different. I feel that in some ways this group is good for me, and in

some ways its bad for me. The good ways is that it gives me friends who

understand what its like to have a parent like that. The bad way is that it

makes me think of stuff, I really do not want to think about right now.

As a kid, I can remember being made to lay down to take a nap no matter

where I was. It was usually on the bare floor at my aunts house. I would lay

under that chair and have these imaginary talks with my step-dad and I would lay

under there and cuss him out. I know my mother heard me because she was sitting

in the chair I was laying under, but she never acknowledged that it was

happening. I was crying about that last night. Knowing that no matter how bad he

hurt me mentally or physically she didn't care. I wonder now if she didn't enjoy

every minute of my abuse, especially since she started doing it to me herself

after he left her. she didn't even leave him when He tried to molest me. I

guess she really didn't give a damn. Oh she gave it lip service, but nothing

else. I am just thinking through writing, so I guess I better get off here. I

think that tomorrow I will see if I can find a way to get back into counseling.

They stopped taking people who couldn't afford to pay something. I just don't

know if they went to full scale or not. If they did, then thats the end of my

counseling for good unless I can find another place who will do it on a sliding

fee scale or free.

Debbie K.

[Guest guest]

Tiki,

I cannot contact my mothers couselor because she quit using the ones that she

gave permission for me to talk to. I was getting counseling of my own at the

time and she didn't like the fact that they told me to stand up for myself and

quit being such a pushover for someone who is capable of keeping herself out of

scrapes. Mother never sticks with one psychologist long. When they piss her off

she just leaves and starts looking for another one. Which means that she is out

of medication a lot. I would love to tell her case manager a lot of things and

maybe they could force her to stick with one counselor by going through the

social security office. I doubt that one, but maybe they could. If she continues

to screw up her places to live and it doesn't kill her first, I will go get her

declared mentally unfit to care for herself and put her some place that will

feed her and give her a place to live and make sure that she takes her meds, and

takes her freedom away from her. But she won't live with us thats for sure and

none of my siblings are stupid enough to put up with her for more than 2 weeks

in their homes and that is pushing her welcome a little too much even then. We

all have kids and she isn't doing to our kids what she did to us. I feel sorry

for her and yet she is so damn frustrating. I cannot say that I love her as I do

not know what I feel about her anymore. She has been more of a " hateful " sibling

than a mother all my life.

By the way, I did make another appointment to see the counselor again. After my

husband and kids told me to go back, they turned around and asked me today why I

feel that I should go back to counseling. I wish they would make up their minds

one way or the other. I am awfully hard to stay out of the dumps when I go to

counseling and so I hate going. But I am not going to go to her funeral and

wonder why I feel like I do. Right now, if she died all I would cry for would

be what never will be and never has been. I would not be sad to see her die. I

would feel the biggest sense of relief I have ever felt in my life. I would feel

free without this heavy weight around my heart and my neck.

Debbie K

Re: New 2 BPD

I went on a web search tonight because I really wanted to know if I

was right or wrong about my mother. Sometimes it is so easy to make a

misjudgment about someone. What I found is that my mother is more of the PPD (

paranoid personality disorder). Which seems to me to be a combination of

Schitzophrenia, Paranoid, and BP.

After reading a few of the experiences of these people I really feel

sorry for them. At the same time, getting along with them is improbable, if not

impossible. They just cannot be trusted and its hard to believe that they can

love anyone when they cannot be trusted.

There are a few things that puzzle me. My mother doesn't do the Severe

gouging of her body, just scratching herself badly and she doesn't do that all

the time as she prefers to gouge others both physically and mentally, My mother

has the desire to kill, and not just hurt someone else. She also hears voices,

and sees things that aren't there. Is this like some of your mothers (Nada's) or

am I barking up the wrong tree, so to speak? I am trying to find a way to

understand my mother and to find ways of dealing with her without the fireworks.

I already know to stay away from her when any of my siblings are around as she

can only " Play " mother to one of us at a time. Other wise she cannot deal with

it and blows up. She also has her favorites of course and so we definitely run

for the hills when her favorite child is with her. I, of course, am the " good "

child unless her favorite child is around then I am the scum of the earth. She

will side with the other person every time we disagree with each other even if I

am right about something. I think there was only one time she ever agreed with

me and then the other person was on her sh-- list, so that doesn't count.

I am just confused about what I want to do right now. If she

cannot help herself, I don't want to abandon her. At the same time, I am keeping

my kids away from her at all times. She will never see them again. Perhaps I am

worrying for nothing because once she finds out that the kids are not coming

around her ever again, she will probably cut me all bad again.

She does seem to do better when I am not around and so maybe

its better if I do stay out of her life. I guess I had better explain things a

little from her point of view as that is only fair. But it is very embarrassing,

shameful, and scary to mention (to me). I have had people turn completely

against me when I told them this. I am supposedly a product of incest. Since I

was 6 yrs old she has told me very many different stories because I had a hard

time believing such a thing of my Grand daddy. He denied it on his deathbed. My

aunts have confirmed that he tried to do the same to them. But the longest story

she has stuck to is that he is my father. Oh, she later told a different story,

but I think that was to make my Granny feel better because she was so old and

was soon to die. It also brought her favorite brother around to liking her

again. She seems to go through spells where she likes me, but really inside her

heart she hates me with a passion. Perhaps it was/is a constant reminder of what

happened to her and that is why she has always seemed to be so exceptionally

wishful that I was dead. I just wish I knew which way to turn.

Last night I had a crying spell. I am out of my anti-depressants so

that may be it. I just started thinking about things and wishing so badly that

things could be different. I feel that in some ways this group is good for me,

and in some ways its bad for me. The good ways is that it gives me friends who

understand what its like to have a parent like that. The bad way is that it

makes me think of stuff, I really do not want to think about right now.

As a kid, I can remember being made to lay down to take a nap no

matter where I was. It was usually on the bare floor at my aunts house. I would

lay under that chair and have these imaginary talks with my step-dad and I would

lay under there and cuss him out. I know my mother heard me because she was

sitting in the chair I was laying under, but she never acknowledged that it was

happening. I was crying about that last night. Knowing that no matter how bad he

hurt me mentally or physically she didn't care. I wonder now if she didn't enjoy

every minute of my abuse, especially since she started doing it to me herself

after he left her. she didn't even leave him when He tried to molest me. I

guess she really didn't give a damn. Oh she gave it lip service, but nothing

else. I am just thinking through writing, so I guess I better get off here. I

think that tomorrow I will see if I can find a way to get back into counseling.

They stopped taking people who couldn't afford to pay something. I just don't

know if they went to full scale or not. If they did, then thats the end of my

counseling for good unless I can find another place who will do it on a sliding

fee scale or free.

Debbie K.

[Guest guest]

I feel sorry for her and yet she is so damn frustrating. I cannot

say that I love her as I do not know what I feel about her anymore.

Debbie - That is exactly something that I would say! I am so

frustrated with dealing with someone who cannot comprehend how her

actions are affecting the rest of her family. And it is frustrating

just to know that we are really helpless to do anything unless 'she'

wants to help herself.

> By the way, I did make another appointment to see the counselor

again. After my husband and kids told me to go back, they turned

around and asked me today why I feel that I should go back to

counseling. I wish they would make up their minds one way or the

other. I am awfully hard to stay out of the dumps when I go to

counseling and so I hate going. .........>

Debbie K

That has happened to me too. It is difficult to know that something

that will help you - eventually - is making life more difficult at

the moment. Sometimes I just have to focus on my end goal - to be

free of the craziness that I got from having a BPD mother. I either

have to go through with the therapy, or stay stuck where I am now. I

don't want to stay stuck.

Be kind and gentle to yourself - Sylvia