The past

March 22, 2004

> Dan, would it help to redirect your attention to your past, here?

Carol, I'll try. My therapist wants to concentrate on dreams, in

order to reach the past. I am playing the game but it feels like I

am spinning my wheels. He keeps telling me that I am making a lot

of progress, but I can't see it very well. I guess I am more self-

confident and am at least trying to establish boundaries, but that

seems to just make other people - wife, family, boss - more unhappy

with me.

Here is about as far as I can go in the past. I dreamed that I was

in an abandoned railroad tunnel in the mountains with a few other

people I didn't know. There were earthquakes and volcanic

eruptions. I was afraid the tunnel would collapse. I finally got

out of the tunnel and into civilization, but civilization was

collapsing because of the natural disasters. People were looting

and killing. My therapist thought this dream was about the birth

experience - the trauma of birth, and then finding myself in a world

where my presence triggered strife between my parents. I believed

that they both wanted to kill me.

So, if that is the past, what can I do about it besides feel

shocked, horrified, and sorry for myself?

- Dan

March 22, 2004

[there was nada and father acting like it was really no big deal]

That's the crazy-making part. My FOO is still in the mode of 'everybody else

shuts up when I rage and let's me be right, what is WRONG with YOU'. Talking

about what actually happened has opened a window for me...even the things I

still don't understand/accept get clearer just having words put to the feelings.

I too feel shocked, horrified, and sorry for myself...in alternating

sequence. It was/is not fair, or right (this does not correlate with what I

KNOW

about the way the universe works...for Dan)

Carol

In a message dated 3/22/04 11:05:34 PM Eastern Standard Time,

smhtrain2@... writes:

One of the hardest things for me was (and still is) to be able to

accept the way I was treated. I guess that is what kept me in the

FOG for so long. I just couldn't accept that this crap happened to

me...for no reason at all....except now knowing that nada was

mentally ill and my father was incapable (for who knows what reason)

to stop her or protect me. It was, and is, difficult because of all

those years of thinking that there was something I could do to make

it better, if only I could just figure out what that something was.

And, of course, there was nada and father acting like it was really

no big deal...just some little upsets here and there. Let's just

pretend it didn't happen and all will be okay.

I think it is shocking and horrifying that this has happened to any

child.... And I think it okay to feel sorry too. I must be getting

better at getting the anger out, because as I am writing this I

realize that I am mad....really ticked off...

I have a big problem with depression...therapist says it has probably

been with me for most of my life, and in addition to the BPD, my FOO

was probably dealing with chronic depression as well. Because of that

I am working on accepting feeling sorry and then trying to replace

that with a better feeling.

Gosh....no wonder I get tired! I am working on so much!

Take care of yourself,

Sylvia

<<<<<

........> So, if that is the past, what can I do about it besides feel

> shocked, horrified, and sorry for myself?

>

> - Dan>>>>>

March 22, 2004