How can I help my poor grammie?

[Guest guest]

Hi, all.

I've been lurking for a couple of days and must say I'm grateful for

this resource. It's so comforting to realize I'm not alone anymore.

I'm a married woman in my early 30s with a nada who's also an

alcoholic. My father left her two years ago, and when he did, she

tried to OD on Elavil -- was almost successful, went into respiratory

failure and was in an induced coma for three weeks. It was a

nightmare. At the time -- this was before her BPD diagnosis -- I

thought somehow I could redeem the relationship. Was puzzled that I

seemed to be the only person fighting for her, being there at her

bedside day after day, talking to her, rubbing lavender-scented cream

on her skin, hoping she would want to live again . . .

And now, I struggle with my mixed feelings of regret. I know it's a

delusion, to think that I was responsbile for her recovery. But the

child's voice inside me sometimes whispers, " Why didn't you just let

her die? "

Why, indeed. She recovered, was briefly in counselling. One day I

visited her house and found a workbook for BPDs her councillor had

given her. To this day, though, she denies the diagnosis.

Mom's of average intelligence, and has little to no emotional

insight, so she dropped out of therapy quickly. Her life has

spiralled since then. My father's abandonment, and the death of

Nada's own domineering father a few years prior, have exacerbated her

BPD.

Without going into great detail about the damage she's done to all my

family members, I want to focus on my nada's mother. She is my only

grandparent and will be 80 this year. She has Nada and one other

daughter, 10 years Nada's junior and even more ill-equipped than

Nada, though my aunt doesn't have a violent bone in her body.

My grandfather was very domineering as a father, and I think

neglected Nada as a child. He was a staunch defender of my

grandmother and made it clear to Nada that Grammie always came first.

Now Nada is making Grammie pay, and it's breaking my heart.

I'm currently not talking to Nada because she's trying to engage me

in a distortion campaign against Grammie and my aunt. Grammie has

loyally cared for Nada during a couple of recent health crises. Nada

keeps pushing her away, though.

After a recent surgery Nada left me a raging phone message demanding

that I call Grammie and tell her Nada is okay. Nada said she didn't

want to do it herself because she was sick of Grammie's boo-hooing

over the phone.

Last week Nada broke her most recent silence against Grammie and

called her to say she was feeling down. Grammie said, " Pam, I've been

waiting for you to call me, " to which Nada replied, " Go f--k

yourself, " and hung up. She then called my aunt and screamed that

neither she nor Grammie were to " darken her door " again.

Then, not knowing that Grammie filled me in on this, Nada sent me an

e-mail complaining that strangers have had to look after her because

Grammie and my aunt have made no effort to see her or talk to her

since her surgery.

I've been doing my best to help my brother and others cope with Nada

by explaining that she is BPD and pointing them to resources about

it.

My question is, what kind of strategies should an 80-year-old woman

use to deal with her adult BPD daughter? Grammie is very smart, but

she comes from a different generation that doesn't understand a lot

of the mental health lingo that we all bandy around so easily.

Being a woman of her time, Grammie is very non-confrontational and

meek. I guess that's why Nada victimizes her as much as she does. I

don't know if she'd be able to handle the fallout from a boundary-

setting session with Nada.

Grammie is also very lonely. The idea of cutting ties with my Nada is

anathema to her. Grammie says regardless of the abuse, Nada is still

her daughter.

I want to help my Grammie, and find some way to protect her from

Nada's abuse. She's in the twilight of her life and doesn't deserve

this.

Any ideas out there?

Sending thoughts of hope and peace to all.

R

[Guest guest]

Hello All -

Rhonda, my family is similarly struggling to protect my Grandmother

from Nada's abuse. Gma always believes that Nada " is doing better "

or " wasn't so bad this time, don't you think? " My Grandfather, aunt

and I (32, only child, no father) are completely over giving into her

behaviors just to keep the peace. Because we have toughened our

stance with Nada, she is now targeting Gma.

Gma, 84 and very sweet, keeps holding onto a vision of the family she

wishes could come true. She vacillates between being disappointed

and confused by Nada to being disappointed with the rest of us for

not trying harder to get along.

Just today, my aunt confronted Nada on behalf of Gma and informed

Nada that none of us were willing to idly sit by and watch her abuse

Gma any longer. She told Nada that our expectation is that she will

treat Gma with the dignity and respect she deserves. Nada attempted

to change the subject, so my aunt repeated what she had said and

asked if Nada understood her meaning...Nada hung up the phone.

Nada is at my Grandparents house right now, insisting that she take

Gma to her doctor's appointments this week. Nada likes to get

involved with family medical issues (extended family as well) and

insinuate herself into all the goings-on...giving advice, harassing

the doctors and medical staff with phone calls and second-guessing

their diagnoses and treatments, providing her own homeopathic

remedies for everything. And there are always repercussions if you

don't follow her advice. We call her Dr. Cheryl. She goes through a

manic period any time she has these opportunities. She'll call all

of my Grandparents neighbors, telling them that she has " everything

under control " (we don't even know what that's supposed to mean),

slamming my aunt as the " worthless daughter " who doesn't care to be

involved...even though my aunt is over there at the drop of a hat and

EVERY weekend. Her next step will be to e-mail roughly the same

sentiments to all other family members when she gets back home. Dr.

Cheryl will be in her full glory at this point. History has taught

us that in a few days, the real doctor will be calling one of us to

request that Dr. Cheryl stop calling their office.

My aunt and I are always concerned about these extended visits from

Nada when we can't be present. They usually end with Gma being

mentally exhausted and physically drained. Gpa usually ends up

enduring some malicious verbal attack, and on occasion, fears for his

physical safety - Nada likes to stand over him and yell outbursts

about how great her life is and how pathetic the life he provided for

Gma is/was. (It was a beautiful life - we should all be so lucky.)

I am glad that my aunt began the process of setting some boundaries

with Nada today. We are all a bit new to this, only coming to the

conclusion that BPD was at work in our family last year. It has been

a relief for me to realize that while I'm not always a peach myself,

I was not some horribly flawed child deserving of my Nada's rages and

disturbing behavior, and no amount of adjustment on my part could

have made the madness or beatings stop. I didn't know back then that

I would never " get it right " . I have been afraid to look back too

closely at the past - as the only child of a single parent Nada, you

can imagine the scars. I have serious fears about what sort of

dehabilitating emotions might be dredged up.

I've just purchased some books on BPD, including SWOE and the

workbook. I have high hopes for what the workbook will produce, and

hope that I can provide some information to my Grandparents and Aunt

that may prove helpful. I know that my Gma is willing to stand up

for herself, she just wants to do it in a compassionate and effective

manner. Nada often threatens suicide when she feels that we are

ganging up on her - a tactic that Gma is very sensitive to.

My desire is to improve our ability to cope with Nada so that we can

still spend time together as a family and not worry about the safety

of my Grandparents when she is alone with them. I have wanted so

badly to simply walk away from it all, but it would break my heart to

not see my Grandparents and Aunt. When I was younger, I figured I

could hang in there until my Grandparents passed on, then I would

take off, never to be heard from again. LOL. Now that I'm 32, and

both Grandparents are in record-breaking good health considering they

are both 84, I'm not willing to be so patient any more. I feel like

I've been living in limbo, not really living at all. I do so hope

that some of these books can help me arrive at a new path, new course

of action for living and enjoying my life and provide my family with

some insights to coping with Nada.

This is my first time writing about, or discussing these things,

other than with family. I am very grateful for this outlet, and

appreciate the opportunity to be heard by others who are familiar

with my struggles and concerns. Thank you all. Rhonda - I'll be

thinking of you and hoping that you and your Grandmother can find the

same peace that I am seeking for my family.

> Without going into great detail about the damage she's done to all

my

> family members, I want to focus on my nada's mother. She is my only

> grandparent and will be 80 this year. She has Nada and one other

> daughter, 10 years Nada's junior and even more ill-equipped than

> Nada, though my aunt doesn't have a violent bone in her body.

>

> My grandfather was very domineering as a father, and I think

> neglected Nada as a child. He was a staunch defender of my

> grandmother and made it clear to Nada that Grammie always came

first.

>

> Now Nada is making Grammie pay, and it's breaking my heart.

>

> I'm currently not talking to Nada because she's trying to engage me

> in a distortion campaign against Grammie and my aunt. Grammie has

> loyally cared for Nada during a couple of recent health crises.

Nada

> keeps pushing her away, though.

>

> After a recent surgery Nada left me a raging phone message

demanding

> that I call Grammie and tell her Nada is okay. Nada said she didn't

> want to do it herself because she was sick of Grammie's boo-hooing

> over the phone.

>

> Last week Nada broke her most recent silence against Grammie and

> called her to say she was feeling down. Grammie said, " Pam, I've

been

> waiting for you to call me, " to which Nada replied, " Go f--k

> yourself, " and hung up. She then called my aunt and screamed that

> neither she nor Grammie were to " darken her door " again.

>

> Then, not knowing that Grammie filled me in on this, Nada sent me

an

> e-mail complaining that strangers have had to look after her

because

> Grammie and my aunt have made no effort to see her or talk to her

> since her surgery.

>

> I've been doing my best to help my brother and others cope with

Nada

> by explaining that she is BPD and pointing them to resources about

> it.

>

> My question is, what kind of strategies should an 80-year-old woman

> use to deal with her adult BPD daughter? Grammie is very smart, but

> she comes from a different generation that doesn't understand a lot

> of the mental health lingo that we all bandy around so easily.

>

> Being a woman of her time, Grammie is very non-confrontational and

> meek. I guess that's why Nada victimizes her as much as she does. I

> don't know if she'd be able to handle the fallout from a boundary-

> setting session with Nada.

>

> Grammie is also very lonely. The idea of cutting ties with my Nada

is

> anathema to her. Grammie says regardless of the abuse, Nada is

still

> her daughter.

>

> I want to help my Grammie, and find some way to protect her from

> Nada's abuse. She's in the twilight of her life and doesn't deserve

> this.

>

> Any ideas out there?

>

> Sending thoughts of hope and peace to all.

>

> R

[Guest guest]

I can understand how you want to protect your grandmother. No matter

what you decide to do, it is really important that you be ready to

follow through with anything you say to your nada. If you can't do

that, she will just ignore you and continue on her 'merry' way. And

if you can - you will still have a battle, because she will try her

darndest to get you to do the opposite.

One thing you can do is to make sure your time with your grandmother

is as pleasant as it can be. Also, what does your grandmother want

you to do? She may not be willing to be confrontational with your

nada, but she may have some ideas on the topic.

Good luck in this, and take care of yourself,

Sylvia

...........................>

> My question is, what kind of strategies should an 80-year-old woman

> use to deal with her adult BPD daughter? Grammie is very smart, but

> she comes from a different generation that doesn't understand a lot

> of the mental health lingo that we all bandy around so easily.

>

> Being a woman of her time, Grammie is very non-confrontational and

> meek. I guess that's why Nada victimizes her as much as she does. I

> don't know if she'd be able to handle the fallout from a boundary-

> setting session with Nada.

>

> Grammie is also very lonely. The idea of cutting ties with my Nada

is

> anathema to her. Grammie says regardless of the abuse, Nada is

still

> her daughter.

>

> I want to help my Grammie, and find some way to protect her from

> Nada's abuse. She's in the twilight of her life and doesn't deserve

> this.

>

> Any ideas out there?

>

> Sending thoughts of hope and peace to all.

>

> R