Nada dumping emotions onto me

[Guest guest]

My nada somehow gets me to feel all HER bad feelings (as if my being

highly empathetic and spongelike isn't enough!) She dumps them by

creating situations that invoke frustration, sadness and anger in me,

which apparently provides her with some kind of sadistic relief. Can

anyone else relate to this?

She purposely tries to get me upset and will not stop until she sees

that I am frustrated and aggravated....and when she finally sees that

I'm really sad/hurt/annoyed, only then does she 'switch gears'. It's

like she can't be happy until she succeeds in making ME UNhappy for

some weird reason. Is this common to BPD?

p.s. {{thank you for welcoming me to the group and for your responses

and support, Theresa and Edith!}}

[Guest guest]

sarahmjs wrote:

> My nada somehow gets me to feel all HER bad feelings (as if my being

> highly empathetic and spongelike isn't enough!) She dumps them by

> creating situations that invoke frustration, sadness and anger in me,

> which apparently provides her with some kind of sadistic relief. Can

> anyone else relate to this?

Hi ,

Yes, that's what nada's do. They get their KO to feel their feelings for

them.

> She purposely tries to get me upset and will not stop until she sees

> that I am frustrated and aggravated....and when she finally sees that

> I'm really sad/hurt/annoyed, only then does she 'switch gears'.

Yes, exactly.

> It's

> like she can't be happy until she succeeds in making ME UNhappy for

> some weird reason. Is this common to BPD?

Yes.

> p.s. {{thank you for welcoming me to the group and for your responses

> and support, Theresa and Edith!}}

You're welcome.

Nada's Achilles Heel is *abandonment* so by yanking on her abandonment

chain you can eventually get her to stop doing that. You can tell her

before hand, when she's not out of control, that you don't want her to

do that to you any more and that when she does that you'll leave for 10

minutes or until she can get herself under control. Do exactly as you

say (ie, stay away for 10 minutes, not 9 or 11). If she's still out of

control when you return, take another 10-minute time out.

Hugs,

- Edith

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

> My nada somehow gets me to feel all HER bad feelings (as if my being

> highly empathetic and spongelike isn't enough!) She dumps them by

> creating situations that invoke frustration, sadness and anger in

>me, which apparently provides her with some kind of sadistic relief.

>Can anyone else relate to this?

Yes, I can definitely relate to this. I am nada's " hate and rage "

container. And when she's satisfied that she's dumped all of her bad

feelings onto me, then she's fine - and acts puzzled when I'm not.

And I think my nada gets relief from doing it, too - because if she

can give those unacceptable emotions to someone else, then SHE'S not

the bad one. Only recently did I realize that a lot of the anger I've

been carrying around (not all of it, but a lot of it) is actually

HERS, and not mine.

I think it would take some strong boundaries to get her to stop doing

this. The only answer I found was to stay away from her - she still

tries to send me her junk via email and snail mail but it's easier to

delete it/throw it out that way. I usually have my husband read that

stuff first, to be my " filter " .

[Guest guest]

Hi ! Wow - it feels so good to know someone else can relate,

though I'm very sorry that you too have had to go through such

experiences:-(

you wrote, " if she can give those unacceptable emotions to someone

else, then SHE'S not the bad one. "

I never thought of it in that way! This makes total sense! I am

looking forward to the day when I am able to be more objective and

not react so intensely to her behavior...like you said, removing

oneself from the situation is most often ideal - the fact that I

can't leave right now means I have to come up with other alternatives

(quite a challenge!)

The main problem is that if I try to avoid her, nada's behavior

becomes even more bizarre - she can't bear being alone, it makes her

dissociate from reality and become much more irritable (seems like

she's left with her own yucky emotions and thoughts - appears like a

crazy person if left alone too long!). So now I'm stuck with a no-win

situation. If I DO spend time with her, I have to deal with her

constant verbal abuse, and if I avoid her, I only end up having to

deal with the abuse later in the day (it's impossible to totally

avoid her as we live in such close quarters). May God give me the

patience and courage to bear this burden without going nuts! And may

you receive the support you need to break free from the negative

patterns that come with having a BP mother too!

[Guest guest]

{{Edith}} Thank you for telling me about this forum, btw! And for

answering all my newbie questions! It is such a relief to know that

I'm not alone and that my nada's behavior is just part of the whole

BP continuum....I greatly appreciate your being open to sharing your

knowledge with me about this disorder and helping me to become more

objective when dealing with BP behaviors!

With immense gratitude,