Re: still seeking validation

[Guest guest]

> Arghhhh, I can't sleep. I have a hermit/waif nada who occasionally

> blows up

> into witch mode (rarely with me because I walk on eggshells). She

> came for

> dinner the other night and I pulled out an art journal I had been

> keeping (she

> is an artist who stopped painting many years ago b/c of

> depression).... she sat

> and thumbed thru it, reading a page about my favorite things very

> carefully,

> then she placed the journal on the table and never made a comment.

> My

> feelings were hurt b/c I wanted a compliment.... then I realized on

> my page of

> favorites I had put my late dad's ruby ring, but not an antique ring

> that

> belonged to my great-grandmother, which my nada gave me a few years

> ago

> for my b-day... and my nada doesn't part with ANYTHING easily.

> Now all I can think about is how I hurt her feelings, and having to

> fix this.

*******Gail, (think foghorn sounds in the distance) Now hear this!

Now hear this! - - - Remember that this was a page of YOUR favorite

things. This is where the enmeshment can get us.....Who is this

journal for, you or nada? A healthy person will be okay with knowing

that something they gave you isn't one of your 'favorite' things. A

healthy person doesn't make everything about them. And also

remember, you didn't cause the BPD, and you can't fix it. I think

you shared your journal with nada because you wanted to share a part

of you with her, and as you said, to get a compliment from her. This

isn't an unusal expectation. It is just that nada's won't give us

compliments unless they can somehow twist it into being about them.

In one of my last conversations with my nada, she questioned why I

said certain things in the past. I explained to her that at those

times, I was not saying what I thought or felt (I probably didn't

even know what I thought or felt), but that those statements were

made because I though they would make her happy. That is how

enmeshed I had been with her. And she would be very happy if we

could go back to that, but of course, I would still be just an

extension of her, rather than a person in my own right.

>I'm

> so sick of this stuff. She has only raged on me a couple of times,

> because I

> quickly set a boundary about her calling me at work and screaming at

> me

> about 2 yrs ago (right in the middle of me teaching class!), so

> usually I get the

> pursed lips and silent treatment.... I feel like everything I do is

> wrong and I'm

> kicking myself for just having to show her this journal without

> thinking it

> through first. Having a relationship with her is exhausting.

*******Yep. I can understand that. And it sounds like she has done

a good job with FOG - why else would you think that everything you do

is wrong? If she can't control you with her rages, she is going to

try to do with the silent treatment. (I also got both.)

............ My 36 yo bpd brother lives with her; ............ They

complicate

> EVERYTHING with their paranoia. My nada can tell you exactly what

> someone is thinking about her, she knows everyone's motivations and

> it is

> always negative and way out in left field, such as the neighbor who

> didn't

> answer my nada's knock at the door, so the neighbor MUST be snubbing

> her,

> but that's okay b/c nada saw her in the yard and turned her back on

> her and

> snubbed her right back, stupid crap like that that she lives for.

> She's repeated

> that particular story to me several times, as well as the one where

> the

> neighbors behind her sit on their back porch and stare into her

> window while

> they drink their coffee, so she's going to put her chair on the back

> porch and

> stare right back at them.... can you imagine your life being filled

> with thoughts

> like that all day?

********Oh my! Yes I can. My nada is also a hermit/waif/witch. And

the paranoia is very strong. And doesn't this behavior just verify

the fact that they are emotionally at a very young age? This is

exactly the kind of behaviour you see in little children without

reasoning abilities and without social skills.

>What a waste of time and energy.

> Thanks for letting me ramble, maybe I can sleep now.........

> Worn Out

***********Hope you were able to get a restful sleep. (foghorns now

fading in the distance.) Thanks for your post. It was another

validation to KOs that yes, this craziness does happen, and we are

not alone.

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

> Arghhhh, I can't sleep. I have a hermit/waif nada who occasionally

> blows up

> into witch mode (rarely with me because I walk on eggshells). She

> came for

> dinner the other night and I pulled out an art journal I had been

> keeping (she

> is an artist who stopped painting many years ago b/c of

> depression).... she sat

> and thumbed thru it, reading a page about my favorite things very

> carefully,

> then she placed the journal on the table and never made a comment.

> My

> feelings were hurt b/c I wanted a compliment.... then I realized on

> my page of

> favorites I had put my late dad's ruby ring, but not an antique ring

> that

> belonged to my great-grandmother, which my nada gave me a few years

> ago

> for my b-day... and my nada doesn't part with ANYTHING easily.

> Now all I can think about is how I hurt her feelings, and having to

> fix this.

*******Gail, (think foghorn sounds in the distance) Now hear this!

Now hear this! - - - Remember that this was a page of YOUR favorite

things. This is where the enmeshment can get us.....Who is this

journal for, you or nada? A healthy person will be okay with knowing

that something they gave you isn't one of your 'favorite' things. A

healthy person doesn't make everything about them. And also

remember, you didn't cause the BPD, and you can't fix it. I think

you shared your journal with nada because you wanted to share a part

of you with her, and as you said, to get a compliment from her. This

isn't an unusal expectation. It is just that nada's won't give us

compliments unless they can somehow twist it into being about them.

In one of my last conversations with my nada, she questioned why I

said certain things in the past. I explained to her that at those

times, I was not saying what I thought or felt (I probably didn't

even know what I thought or felt), but that those statements were

made because I though they would make her happy. That is how

enmeshed I had been with her. And she would be very happy if we

could go back to that, but of course, I would still be just an

extension of her, rather than a person in my own right.

>I'm

> so sick of this stuff. She has only raged on me a couple of times,

> because I

> quickly set a boundary about her calling me at work and screaming at

> me

> about 2 yrs ago (right in the middle of me teaching class!), so

> usually I get the

> pursed lips and silent treatment.... I feel like everything I do is

> wrong and I'm

> kicking myself for just having to show her this journal without

> thinking it

> through first. Having a relationship with her is exhausting.

*******Yep. I can understand that. And it sounds like she has done

a good job with FOG - why else would you think that everything you do

is wrong? If she can't control you with her rages, she is going to

try to do with the silent treatment. (I also got both.)

............ My 36 yo bpd brother lives with her; ............ They

complicate

> EVERYTHING with their paranoia. My nada can tell you exactly what

> someone is thinking about her, she knows everyone's motivations and

> it is

> always negative and way out in left field, such as the neighbor who

> didn't

> answer my nada's knock at the door, so the neighbor MUST be snubbing

> her,

> but that's okay b/c nada saw her in the yard and turned her back on

> her and

> snubbed her right back, stupid crap like that that she lives for.

> She's repeated

> that particular story to me several times, as well as the one where

> the

> neighbors behind her sit on their back porch and stare into her

> window while

> they drink their coffee, so she's going to put her chair on the back

> porch and

> stare right back at them.... can you imagine your life being filled

> with thoughts

> like that all day?

********Oh my! Yes I can. My nada is also a hermit/waif/witch. And

the paranoia is very strong. And doesn't this behavior just verify

the fact that they are emotionally at a very young age? This is

exactly the kind of behaviour you see in little children without

reasoning abilities and without social skills.

>What a waste of time and energy.

> Thanks for letting me ramble, maybe I can sleep now.........

> Worn Out

***********Hope you were able to get a restful sleep. (foghorns now

fading in the distance.) Thanks for your post. It was another

validation to KOs that yes, this craziness does happen, and we are

not alone.

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

> Arghhhh, I can't sleep. I have a hermit/waif nada who occasionally

> blows up

> into witch mode (rarely with me because I walk on eggshells). She

> came for

> dinner the other night and I pulled out an art journal I had been

> keeping (she

> is an artist who stopped painting many years ago b/c of

> depression).... she sat

> and thumbed thru it, reading a page about my favorite things very

> carefully,

> then she placed the journal on the table and never made a comment.

> My

> feelings were hurt b/c I wanted a compliment.... then I realized on

> my page of

> favorites I had put my late dad's ruby ring, but not an antique ring

> that

> belonged to my great-grandmother, which my nada gave me a few years

> ago

> for my b-day... and my nada doesn't part with ANYTHING easily.

> Now all I can think about is how I hurt her feelings, and having to

> fix this.

*******Gail, (think foghorn sounds in the distance) Now hear this!

Now hear this! - - - Remember that this was a page of YOUR favorite

things. This is where the enmeshment can get us.....Who is this

journal for, you or nada? A healthy person will be okay with knowing

that something they gave you isn't one of your 'favorite' things. A

healthy person doesn't make everything about them. And also

remember, you didn't cause the BPD, and you can't fix it. I think

you shared your journal with nada because you wanted to share a part

of you with her, and as you said, to get a compliment from her. This

isn't an unusal expectation. It is just that nada's won't give us

compliments unless they can somehow twist it into being about them.

In one of my last conversations with my nada, she questioned why I

said certain things in the past. I explained to her that at those

times, I was not saying what I thought or felt (I probably didn't

even know what I thought or felt), but that those statements were

made because I though they would make her happy. That is how

enmeshed I had been with her. And she would be very happy if we

could go back to that, but of course, I would still be just an

extension of her, rather than a person in my own right.

>I'm

> so sick of this stuff. She has only raged on me a couple of times,

> because I

> quickly set a boundary about her calling me at work and screaming at

> me

> about 2 yrs ago (right in the middle of me teaching class!), so

> usually I get the

> pursed lips and silent treatment.... I feel like everything I do is

> wrong and I'm

> kicking myself for just having to show her this journal without

> thinking it

> through first. Having a relationship with her is exhausting.

*******Yep. I can understand that. And it sounds like she has done

a good job with FOG - why else would you think that everything you do

is wrong? If she can't control you with her rages, she is going to

try to do with the silent treatment. (I also got both.)

............ My 36 yo bpd brother lives with her; ............ They

complicate

> EVERYTHING with their paranoia. My nada can tell you exactly what

> someone is thinking about her, she knows everyone's motivations and

> it is

> always negative and way out in left field, such as the neighbor who

> didn't

> answer my nada's knock at the door, so the neighbor MUST be snubbing

> her,

> but that's okay b/c nada saw her in the yard and turned her back on

> her and

> snubbed her right back, stupid crap like that that she lives for.

> She's repeated

> that particular story to me several times, as well as the one where

> the

> neighbors behind her sit on their back porch and stare into her

> window while

> they drink their coffee, so she's going to put her chair on the back

> porch and

> stare right back at them.... can you imagine your life being filled

> with thoughts

> like that all day?

********Oh my! Yes I can. My nada is also a hermit/waif/witch. And

the paranoia is very strong. And doesn't this behavior just verify

the fact that they are emotionally at a very young age? This is

exactly the kind of behaviour you see in little children without

reasoning abilities and without social skills.

>What a waste of time and energy.

> Thanks for letting me ramble, maybe I can sleep now.........

> Worn Out

***********Hope you were able to get a restful sleep. (foghorns now

fading in the distance.) Thanks for your post. It was another

validation to KOs that yes, this craziness does happen, and we are

not alone.

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

> *******Gail, (think foghorn sounds in the distance) Now hear this!

> Now hear this! - - - Remember that this was a page of YOUR favorite

> things. This is where the enmeshment can get us.....Who is this

> journal for, you or nada? A healthy person will be okay with knowing

> that something they gave you isn't one of your 'favorite' things. A

> healthy person doesn't make everything about them. And also

> remember, you didn't cause the BPD, and you can't fix it. I think

> you shared your journal with nada because you wanted to share a part

> of you with her, and as you said, to get a compliment from her. This

> isn't an unusal expectation. It is just that nada's won't give us

> compliments unless they can somehow twist it into being about them.

> Sylvia

Thanks for the wake up call, Sylvia. The fog is always thickest for me in the

middle of the night, and that foghorn vibrating in my brain causes me to stop

thinking rationally. What you said about my favorite things really made me

think, because that ring IS one of my favorite things, but that was an

incomplete list, kind of a work in progress.... I also didn't put my wedding

rings

on the list, and they should be right at the top after 30 yrs of marriage; I

just

didn't think of them when I first started compiling it. (And my husband didn't

pout because I forgot to include them either!) Soooo, not only will those

things be added to the list, but I no longer feel the need to 'fix this'. I

didn't do

anything wrong, did I???? Clear days are so much more wonderful than

foggy nights..........

Still not well rested but feeling much much better,

Gail