Re: Nada just called - would be easier if she would just be a jerk!

[Guest guest]

> She calls to apologize, but never specifies what she is

apologizing for,

> thus robbing me of the chance to say what I am feeling. It always

> catches me so off guard I get tongue tied and don't say anything.

I can definitely relate to that " deer in the headlights " feeling.

Remember that you have the power to call her back and say, " You

know, your call the other day caught me off guard. I've been

thinking about it, and while I appreciate the apology, there are a

few things I really need to say... " or something like that. You can

then set out any boundaries you need to (whatever they may be, such

as " I don't feel I can lend you money until... " ), so that you have a

touchstone for the consequences of her actions. ( " As I told you back

in August, I'm not going to lend you money until... " ) Then follow

through, no matter how hard she starts hoovering you -- I know,

easier said than done.

Whether or not she'll respect your boundaries is a separate issue.

Your responsibility is to yourself, so you don't feel like she's

tripping you up every time.

You can do this!

peace,

journeywork

[Guest guest]

> Hello all-

>

> I posted earlier about trying to set boundaries - and dealing with

a

> nada who is abusing substances. I asked what finally brought

those

> of you who broke ties with your BP to that point. Thank you for

your

> responses - they were very enlightening.

>

> I don't think I am ready to do that yet - I instead decided that I

> need to try to tell her how I am feeling, and to set some

boundaries

> with her first.

>

I remember when I was still trying to cope with nada, trying to

not " let her get to me. " It was impossible. I couldn't do it. Every

time I got around her, I was negatively affected. It took me a long

time to come to terms with that. I kept looking for ways to shield

myself from her toxicity. I think we can set boundaries,but I still

think their toxicity leaks into our lives. We can set boundaries but

they are just constantly looking for ways to violate and tear them

down. Its like we have to build a wall to keep the enemy out. I

don't mean to say there is no way to successfully set boundaries

with a nada, I'm just not convinced that there is a way to NOT be

negatively affected AND stay in contact. I had to keep trying until

nada began to affect my health, my emotional well being, my life

altogether.Then one day I said " Enough. " Maybe you will have better

luck. Maybe your nada is more capable of respecting boundaries. I

guess I haven't heard of many KO's who stay in contact and remain

healthy, happy and moving forward. I dunno. I don't want you to

think that I am saying it is wrong to stay, I am not, I have been

there. Its just that looking back now, I can see that I was still

feeling responsible for nada and denying myself the right to

happiness, always putting nadas needs before my own. You will find

your way, and whether you stay or go, be true to your self. THAT is

always right and those people who truly love you will support you in

doing so. Take care, .

> As you might recall, I am sure my nada was using substances while

my

> sweet little sis was here - I was so angry I saw spots when I

> realized it. I had just loaned her money -- she said she needed

gas

> money to bring my sis back home. She probably used it to get

loaded

> for the drive - grrrrr!

>

> She has been gone since last Wednesday - I have spent the whole

week

> putting together a speech about her irresponsible and erratic

> behavior around my sis, and how it has affected her, about my

> disappointment in her for not accepting any responsibility, about

my

> need to set boundaries in order to protect myself, about how I

found

> out she has been lying to me about being clean, and started using

> again as soon as she left rehab - on and on and on. I had it all

> figured out. I was finally going to do it - finally going to draw

> some lines.

>

> I didn't know she was back yet - I was going to call on my terms.

> She called me at work - caught me completely off guard, and said

that

> she has been thinking a lot - and wanted to apologize for hurting

> me. Said she drove home yesterday (it is an all day drive - and

she

> is usually " too tired " to even get together for more than an hour

or

> two), and then said she was up all night because she couldn't

sleep.

> She said she is clean and sober - on and on. Mind you - she

> volunteered all of this - I never even had a chance to say I was

> angry - or that I knew she has been lying to me.

>

> And so the pattern continues. She does this from time to time - I

> think as soon as she senses I am going to stand up for myself -

She

> calls to apologize, but never specifies what she is apologizing

for,

> thus robbing me of the chance to say what I am feeling. It always

> catches me so off guard I get tongue tied and don't say anything.

I

> see the pattern being repeated, again, and again, and again.

>

> What have you done in the past to break these destructive patterns

> with your BP? I have to find a way to stop this! Now she is

sitting

> at home, feeling like the martyr who is willing to do anything to

> please her daughter. She has completely absolved herself of all

> guilt with her apology, even though I never accepted it - and

soon,

> she will start acting up again~

[Guest guest]

It's so frustrating, huh?

Well, I don't have very good news. Mother never changed, not one iota,

not even on her death bed.

My situation differs from yours in that mother never apologized to

anyone for anything, ever. Instead, she'd shoot spit balls, then act

like nothing happened. You didn't even know what had hit you.

After the big blowup in 1999, mother was still calling me, like

everything was okay, then she accused me of something I hadn't done,

regarding her taxes that I'd been doing for years. That did it! I

would never continue a relationship with any of my clients after such an

accusation, so why should it be any different with her? Okay, she was

my mother. But still......... The FOGbank was thick, but I gritted my

teeth and wrote a short note saying that I deserved to be spoken to with

dignity and respect and that she needed to find someone else to do her

taxes. I'd never expressed my displeasure with her in any way, so I was

confident she would see the light and want to make things right. She

responded with no response at all. Nothing. Something was up, but

what? As the weeks and months rolled by, I was relieved only by the

absence of her phone calls. The FOGbank rolled in big time.

Well, as it turned out, the wheels of retribution had already been set

in motion long before the blowup, but now they were revved to a

screeching pitch. However, from my vantage point far off in the

bleachers, I couldn't see clearly. Why had I blown up like that? Why

did I slap her back? Why, why, why................ Stupid, stupid,

stupid me!!!!!

The result? Mother spent the remaining four years of her life trying to

get even, mostly behind my back and with everyone we mutually knew and

anyone who would listen. She never once was willing to talk, discuss

things, or reevaluate anything. Instead, she slammed the door shut,

never to be opened again! Is it any wonder? Did she ever discuss her

feelings with anyone? Did she ever apologize for anything? Did she

ever see anyone else's perspective other than her own? Nope! And

therein lay the answers that I was too FOGged in to see.

I regretted the blowup greatly, but not the note which I wrote with much

thought and great expectations. The blowup was merely the catalyst that

led to the note, which in the end, became the final blow that sent

mother over the edge into retribution.

That note (boundary) proved mother was not interested in anything I had

to say. By not responding, she actually opened the door to my healing

journey, but I couldn't know that then. Yes, we must set boundaries,

endure the fallout, and then proceed forward in whatever direction it

takes us, one small step at a time.

I don't say any of this as a deterrent to setting boundaries, but to

alert to the dangers that may be lurking in the bushes. To be

forewarned is to be forearmed.

SmileS!

Carol

isshemymother wrote:

> What have you done in the past to break these destructive patterns

> with your BP? I have to find a way to stop this! Now she is sitting

> at home, feeling like the martyr who is willing to do anything to

> please her daughter. She has completely absolved herself of all

> guilt with her apology, even though I never accepted it - and soon,

> she will start acting up again~

[Guest guest]

I did exactly this....with nada and with other people, as I started

to establish my boundaries and started to 'stick up for myself'. I

forced myself to 'get over' any feelings that I should have said or

done something at the time of the incident, and convinced myself that

it was okay to bring it up again, later, when I had a better grasp of

my feelings and how I wanted to respond. After doing this for

awhile, I became able to respond at the time of an incident (often,

though not all the time). I still do this (respond at a later time)

when I feel it is necessary. I think I was originally stuck in black

and white thinking, believing that if I didn't say something when

nada or someone else was talking to me, or behaving badly, then I

missed the opportunity to do so. But between therapy, and readings,

I came to the conclusion that it is perfectly okay to bring something

up at a later date.

Sylvia

> > She calls to apologize, but never specifies what she is

> apologizing for,

> > thus robbing me of the chance to say what I am feeling. It

always

> > catches me so off guard I get tongue tied and don't say

anything.

>

>

> I can definitely relate to that " deer in the headlights " feeling.

>

> Remember that you have the power to call her back and say, " You

> know, your call the other day caught me off guard. I've been

> thinking about it, and while I appreciate the apology, there are a

> few things I really need to say... " or something like that. You can

> then set out any boundaries you need to (................> Whether

or not she'll respect your boundaries is a separate issue.

> Your responsibility is to yourself, so you don't feel like she's

> tripping you up every time.

>

> You can do this!

>

> peace,

> journeywork