Re: Sylvia - Chpt 6 contents

[Guest guest]

Kerrie,

I liked UBM, because is so clearly describe the various types of BPD,

and how all of them impacted on their children. I didn't get much out

of it on how to deal with my fleas, however.

About, Surviving a Borderline Parent, I don't have the SWOE workbook,

so I can't compare. Here is one of the exercises, which are

called 'Stop and Think'. It is about feeling guilty. " Sifting

through it all can be confusing, but there are several ways you can

discern whether your guilt and feelings of responsibility are

warranted or whether they are feelings that you can put to rest. Ask

yourself the following questions:

*Is (0r was) the criticism aimed at me in proportion to the perceived

offense? (Either way, acknowledge that you're human, and humans make

mistakes.)

*Did I violate a boundary the other person had communicated to me?

* Did I make a promise or commitment I didn't keep?

* Was I truly responsible? Did I have control over the outcome?

* What was my intention or motivation?

* What does my gut or intuition tell me about the situation and my

level of responsibility?

* Given a similar set of circumstances, would my close friend (or

someone else you admire) think I was responsible?

* Were any of my words or actions efforts at self-protection or self-

preservation?

Other questions to consider include:

* What are the costs of feeling guilty when you're really not

responsible? Does it sap your energy or emotional strength, take time

away from your family, or affect your health?

* Are there ways in which feeling guilty serves you in your

relationship with your parent? Does it make you feel more in control,

perhaps? Are there other ways it serves you?

* What do you stand to gain by giving up your feelings of guilt and

responsibility?

If you determine that your feelings of guilt are actually warranted,

then consider the ways in which you might address and correct your

actions. If you determine that some of your feelings of guilt are not

warranted, you'll have to work on letting go of them, and not

accepting anymore blame than your fair share.

Here are some excerpts from Chapter 6. ....This chapter offers

several concepts and communication tools you can explore that will

further reduce the stress and strain and volatility of your present

dealings with a difficult parent......For some adult children, not

having any involvement with a parent is the easiest answer. They may

not know exactly how to set limits with their parent, or their limits

may be continually tested and breached....Others....find a way to

navigate a relationship in the present that meets at least some of

their (and their parent's) needs.........There is no right or wrong

choice in how you choose to deal with your parent, now that you're an

adult. What's important is that you make your own thoughtful,

deliberate choices that respect and protect yourself, and if you're a

parent, your minor children. ......The decision about your level of

involvement with your parent isn't a static one; it can change over

time as circumstances....shift.

Then there are some exercises, questions, things to think about, to

help in making a decision about your relationship with your BP

parent.

There is a section titled 'know your rights' (these may have been

posted here before -

* to feel safe in the relationship

* to be treated respectfully

* to not be abused verbally, emotionally, or physically

* to be heard

* to be appreciated and valued

* to have your privacy and boundaries respoected

* to have your needs met

* to feel good about yourself in the relationship

It continues with " Tools & Techniques for Gaining Control " , " Out,

Out, Damned Triggers " , " Difficult Parents are People Too " (While you

have to focus on your own well-being, it can be helpful to note what

your parent's triggers and weak spots are as well. No, you don't want

to concentrate all of your time, energy, and attention on your parent

and her needs (you may very well feel that you've already done enough

of this throughout your life, thank you very much), but being aware

of what sets your parent off-to the extent that it's predictable -

will ultimately help you.), " Communicating as Clearly as a

Bell " , " Coping with Resistance and Rages " , and lastly - " A few More

Things (additional tools for your tool box: Know your limits; Don't

expect flowers; Be prepared to pull back; Choose your battles; Find

the Humor.) end of chapter!

<<<<<<<

> > Kerrie,

> >

> > I just got the book this weekend. I am finishing chapter 8 of the

> 10

> > chapters. It is more like a workbook, and I haven't started any

of

> > the exercises. It is written in a very supportive manner for KOs.

> I

> > am looking forward to working through the exercises. I have come

> > across a few that I know will be particularly helpful for me.

The

> > chapters are:

> >

> > Part I - The Past

> > Chpt 1 - I Never Knew It Had a Name

> > Chpt 2 - All Grown Up

> > Chpt 3 - Grieving a Lost Childhood

> >

> > Part II - The Present

> > Chpt 4 - Guild, Responsibility, and Forgiveness

> > Chpt 5 - Overcoming Anger and Resentment

> > Chpt 6 - Communicating and Setting Limits

> > Chpt 7 - Reconstruting the Past, Assessing the Present

> >

> > Part III - The Future

> > Chpt 8 - Envisioning Change and Breaking Old Habits

> > Chpt 9 - Trust Yourself, Set Boundaries, Build Self-Esteem

> > Chpt 10 - Putting It All Together

> >

> > Sylvia >>>>>>>>

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Kerrie,

I liked UBM, because is so clearly describe the various types of BPD,

and how all of them impacted on their children. I didn't get much out

of it on how to deal with my fleas, however.

About, Surviving a Borderline Parent, I don't have the SWOE workbook,

so I can't compare. Here is one of the exercises, which are

called 'Stop and Think'. It is about feeling guilty. " Sifting

through it all can be confusing, but there are several ways you can

discern whether your guilt and feelings of responsibility are

warranted or whether they are feelings that you can put to rest. Ask

yourself the following questions:

*Is (0r was) the criticism aimed at me in proportion to the perceived

offense? (Either way, acknowledge that you're human, and humans make

mistakes.)

*Did I violate a boundary the other person had communicated to me?

* Did I make a promise or commitment I didn't keep?

* Was I truly responsible? Did I have control over the outcome?

* What was my intention or motivation?

* What does my gut or intuition tell me about the situation and my

level of responsibility?

* Given a similar set of circumstances, would my close friend (or

someone else you admire) think I was responsible?

* Were any of my words or actions efforts at self-protection or self-

preservation?

Other questions to consider include:

* What are the costs of feeling guilty when you're really not

responsible? Does it sap your energy or emotional strength, take time

away from your family, or affect your health?

* Are there ways in which feeling guilty serves you in your

relationship with your parent? Does it make you feel more in control,

perhaps? Are there other ways it serves you?

* What do you stand to gain by giving up your feelings of guilt and

responsibility?

If you determine that your feelings of guilt are actually warranted,

then consider the ways in which you might address and correct your

actions. If you determine that some of your feelings of guilt are not

warranted, you'll have to work on letting go of them, and not

accepting anymore blame than your fair share.

Here are some excerpts from Chapter 6. ....This chapter offers

several concepts and communication tools you can explore that will

further reduce the stress and strain and volatility of your present

dealings with a difficult parent......For some adult children, not

having any involvement with a parent is the easiest answer. They may

not know exactly how to set limits with their parent, or their limits

may be continually tested and breached....Others....find a way to

navigate a relationship in the present that meets at least some of

their (and their parent's) needs.........There is no right or wrong

choice in how you choose to deal with your parent, now that you're an

adult. What's important is that you make your own thoughtful,

deliberate choices that respect and protect yourself, and if you're a

parent, your minor children. ......The decision about your level of

involvement with your parent isn't a static one; it can change over

time as circumstances....shift.

Then there are some exercises, questions, things to think about, to

help in making a decision about your relationship with your BP

parent.

There is a section titled 'know your rights' (these may have been

posted here before -

* to feel safe in the relationship

* to be treated respectfully

* to not be abused verbally, emotionally, or physically

* to be heard

* to be appreciated and valued

* to have your privacy and boundaries respoected

* to have your needs met

* to feel good about yourself in the relationship

It continues with " Tools & Techniques for Gaining Control " , " Out,

Out, Damned Triggers " , " Difficult Parents are People Too " (While you

have to focus on your own well-being, it can be helpful to note what

your parent's triggers and weak spots are as well. No, you don't want

to concentrate all of your time, energy, and attention on your parent

and her needs (you may very well feel that you've already done enough

of this throughout your life, thank you very much), but being aware

of what sets your parent off-to the extent that it's predictable -

will ultimately help you.), " Communicating as Clearly as a

Bell " , " Coping with Resistance and Rages " , and lastly - " A few More

Things (additional tools for your tool box: Know your limits; Don't

expect flowers; Be prepared to pull back; Choose your battles; Find

the Humor.) end of chapter!

<<<<<<<

> > Kerrie,

> >

> > I just got the book this weekend. I am finishing chapter 8 of the

> 10

> > chapters. It is more like a workbook, and I haven't started any

of

> > the exercises. It is written in a very supportive manner for KOs.

> I

> > am looking forward to working through the exercises. I have come

> > across a few that I know will be particularly helpful for me.

The

> > chapters are:

> >

> > Part I - The Past

> > Chpt 1 - I Never Knew It Had a Name

> > Chpt 2 - All Grown Up

> > Chpt 3 - Grieving a Lost Childhood

> >

> > Part II - The Present

> > Chpt 4 - Guild, Responsibility, and Forgiveness

> > Chpt 5 - Overcoming Anger and Resentment

> > Chpt 6 - Communicating and Setting Limits

> > Chpt 7 - Reconstruting the Past, Assessing the Present

> >

> > Part III - The Future

> > Chpt 8 - Envisioning Change and Breaking Old Habits

> > Chpt 9 - Trust Yourself, Set Boundaries, Build Self-Esteem

> > Chpt 10 - Putting It All Together

> >

> > Sylvia >>>>>>>>

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Kerrie,

I liked UBM, because is so clearly describe the various types of BPD,

and how all of them impacted on their children. I didn't get much out

of it on how to deal with my fleas, however.

About, Surviving a Borderline Parent, I don't have the SWOE workbook,

so I can't compare. Here is one of the exercises, which are

called 'Stop and Think'. It is about feeling guilty. " Sifting

through it all can be confusing, but there are several ways you can

discern whether your guilt and feelings of responsibility are

warranted or whether they are feelings that you can put to rest. Ask

yourself the following questions:

*Is (0r was) the criticism aimed at me in proportion to the perceived

offense? (Either way, acknowledge that you're human, and humans make

mistakes.)

*Did I violate a boundary the other person had communicated to me?

* Did I make a promise or commitment I didn't keep?

* Was I truly responsible? Did I have control over the outcome?

* What was my intention or motivation?

* What does my gut or intuition tell me about the situation and my

level of responsibility?

* Given a similar set of circumstances, would my close friend (or

someone else you admire) think I was responsible?

* Were any of my words or actions efforts at self-protection or self-

preservation?

Other questions to consider include:

* What are the costs of feeling guilty when you're really not

responsible? Does it sap your energy or emotional strength, take time

away from your family, or affect your health?

* Are there ways in which feeling guilty serves you in your

relationship with your parent? Does it make you feel more in control,

perhaps? Are there other ways it serves you?

* What do you stand to gain by giving up your feelings of guilt and

responsibility?

If you determine that your feelings of guilt are actually warranted,

then consider the ways in which you might address and correct your

actions. If you determine that some of your feelings of guilt are not

warranted, you'll have to work on letting go of them, and not

accepting anymore blame than your fair share.

Here are some excerpts from Chapter 6. ....This chapter offers

several concepts and communication tools you can explore that will

further reduce the stress and strain and volatility of your present

dealings with a difficult parent......For some adult children, not

having any involvement with a parent is the easiest answer. They may

not know exactly how to set limits with their parent, or their limits

may be continually tested and breached....Others....find a way to

navigate a relationship in the present that meets at least some of

their (and their parent's) needs.........There is no right or wrong

choice in how you choose to deal with your parent, now that you're an

adult. What's important is that you make your own thoughtful,

deliberate choices that respect and protect yourself, and if you're a

parent, your minor children. ......The decision about your level of

involvement with your parent isn't a static one; it can change over

time as circumstances....shift.

Then there are some exercises, questions, things to think about, to

help in making a decision about your relationship with your BP

parent.

There is a section titled 'know your rights' (these may have been

posted here before -

* to feel safe in the relationship

* to be treated respectfully

* to not be abused verbally, emotionally, or physically

* to be heard

* to be appreciated and valued

* to have your privacy and boundaries respoected

* to have your needs met

* to feel good about yourself in the relationship

It continues with " Tools & Techniques for Gaining Control " , " Out,

Out, Damned Triggers " , " Difficult Parents are People Too " (While you

have to focus on your own well-being, it can be helpful to note what

your parent's triggers and weak spots are as well. No, you don't want

to concentrate all of your time, energy, and attention on your parent

and her needs (you may very well feel that you've already done enough

of this throughout your life, thank you very much), but being aware

of what sets your parent off-to the extent that it's predictable -

will ultimately help you.), " Communicating as Clearly as a

Bell " , " Coping with Resistance and Rages " , and lastly - " A few More

Things (additional tools for your tool box: Know your limits; Don't

expect flowers; Be prepared to pull back; Choose your battles; Find

the Humor.) end of chapter!

<<<<<<<

> > Kerrie,

> >

> > I just got the book this weekend. I am finishing chapter 8 of the

> 10

> > chapters. It is more like a workbook, and I haven't started any

of

> > the exercises. It is written in a very supportive manner for KOs.

> I

> > am looking forward to working through the exercises. I have come

> > across a few that I know will be particularly helpful for me.

The

> > chapters are:

> >

> > Part I - The Past

> > Chpt 1 - I Never Knew It Had a Name

> > Chpt 2 - All Grown Up

> > Chpt 3 - Grieving a Lost Childhood

> >

> > Part II - The Present

> > Chpt 4 - Guild, Responsibility, and Forgiveness

> > Chpt 5 - Overcoming Anger and Resentment

> > Chpt 6 - Communicating and Setting Limits

> > Chpt 7 - Reconstruting the Past, Assessing the Present

> >

> > Part III - The Future

> > Chpt 8 - Envisioning Change and Breaking Old Habits

> > Chpt 9 - Trust Yourself, Set Boundaries, Build Self-Esteem

> > Chpt 10 - Putting It All Together

> >

> > Sylvia >>>>>>>>

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It sounds pretty interesting. Thanks for posting all of this. I

think someone else said this is good to go over w/ a T and I think I

might opt for that even though it also seems like SWOE's workbook in

that you can do it on your own.

It just seems like too much work to deal w/a BP if you ask me. I

know they are people, but they're high maintenance people and the

older I get and less energy I have to expend, I just don't think I

want to expend it in the past w/nada as much as in the future w/baby.

I still think I will pick it for myself if for no other reason.

Thanks again!

> > > Kerrie,

> > >

> > > I just got the book this weekend. I am finishing chapter 8 of

the

> > 10

> > > chapters. It is more like a workbook, and I haven't started

any

> of

> > > the exercises. It is written in a very supportive manner for

KOs.

> > I

> > > am looking forward to working through the exercises. I have

come

> > > across a few that I know will be particularly helpful for me.

> The

> > > chapters are:

> > >

> > > Part I - The Past

> > > Chpt 1 - I Never Knew It Had a Name

> > > Chpt 2 - All Grown Up

> > > Chpt 3 - Grieving a Lost Childhood

> > >

> > > Part II - The Present

> > > Chpt 4 - Guild, Responsibility, and Forgiveness

> > > Chpt 5 - Overcoming Anger and Resentment

> > > Chpt 6 - Communicating and Setting Limits

> > > Chpt 7 - Reconstruting the Past, Assessing the Present

> > >

> > > Part III - The Future

> > > Chpt 8 - Envisioning Change and Breaking Old Habits

> > > Chpt 9 - Trust Yourself, Set Boundaries, Build Self-Esteem

> > > Chpt 10 - Putting It All Together

> > >

> > > Sylvia >>>>>>>>

> > >

> >

[Guest guest]

After posting all of this, I did find a sentence referring to using

this book along with a good clinician (sp?).

Sylvia

> > > > Kerrie,

> > > >

> > > > I just got the book this weekend. I am finishing chapter 8 of

> the

> > > 10

> > > > chapters. It is more like a workbook, and I haven't started

> any

> > of

> > > > the exercises. It is written in a very supportive manner for

> KOs.

> > > I

> > > > am looking forward to working through the exercises. I have

> come

> > > > across a few that I know will be particularly helpful for

me.

> > The

> > > > chapters are:

> > > >

> > > > Part I - The Past

> > > > Chpt 1 - I Never Knew It Had a Name

> > > > Chpt 2 - All Grown Up

> > > > Chpt 3 - Grieving a Lost Childhood

> > > >

> > > > Part II - The Present

> > > > Chpt 4 - Guild, Responsibility, and Forgiveness

> > > > Chpt 5 - Overcoming Anger and Resentment

> > > > Chpt 6 - Communicating and Setting Limits

> > > > Chpt 7 - Reconstruting the Past, Assessing the Present

> > > >

> > > > Part III - The Future

> > > > Chpt 8 - Envisioning Change and Breaking Old Habits

> > > > Chpt 9 - Trust Yourself, Set Boundaries, Build Self-Esteem

> > > > Chpt 10 - Putting It All Together

> > > >

> > > > Sylvia >>>>>>>>

> > > >

> > >