Re: EVERYBODY! I NEED HELP!

[Guest guest]

,

Ohh....lots of triggers here for me. Nada made my graduation

miserable (like every other important occasion). Tough decision for

you. Take time to think it through. I think you may already know what

you want/need, but would like some confirmation and validation. FWIW -

I would support you in whatever you decide is the best for you. This

is your graduation, it is your day. The focus should be on your

achievements. You have to do what is best for yourself. I personally

think that doing anything because 'they are your parents', is being

controlled by guilt. How are you going to feel having them there? How

are you going to feel if they are not there? And my personal favorite

when someone says that to me....Well, they didn't act like parents!

Be kind & gentle to yourself,

Sylvia

> Hey Everybody,

> Ok, so here's the problem. My highschool graduation is coming up on

> June 5, and I don't know whether or not I should invite my nada and

> my dad. They did nothing but make hell for me my entire life, why

> would I want them to darken the pathway into the rest of my life?

My

> grandma said I should, because they are " my parents. " (as a

> collective unit apparently). Could you guys give me some opinions?

> This is like when I get married to my current boyfriend (which most

> people think is more than just " likely " )... I dont want them at the

> wedding. To me, my nada and my dad are both as good as dead. I tell

> people they are, actually... to avoid explaining their sh!t. Ya

> know? Help Help!

> - L.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Once we realize the truth about our nada/foo, many of us decide we

don't want them in our life b/c we know they will continue to torment

and drain us indefinitely. This past Christmas was the first time in

my adult life that I did not spend at nadas with my foo. It was

tough, and the guilt and obligation set in and I began to imagine how

hurt they would be, etc. but I still didn't go. I realized, for me,

feeling obligated is not reason enough to compromise my well being

and I will be true to myself first and if they truly were capable of

loving me, they would support me in that. I've asked myself: If I

weren't related to my nada/foo would they be the kind of ppl I want

to be around, be friends with, or do I just feel obligated b/c

society and family members say *I should* have a relationship? I am

no longer going to be around anyone who can't treat me with love and

respect and if they happen to be family, well so be it, but I am not

letting that prevent me from living the kind of life I want. Bottom

line: It isn't necessarily the decision of what to do that we

struggle with, but giving ourselves permission to do what we know is

best for us. .

> Hey Everybody,

> Ok, so here's the problem. My highschool graduation is coming up on

> June 5, and I don't know whether or not I should invite my nada and

> my dad. They did nothing but make hell for me my entire life, why

> would I want them to darken the pathway into the rest of my life?

My

> grandma said I should, because they are " my parents. " (as a

> collective unit apparently). Could you guys give me some opinions?

> This is like when I get married to my current boyfriend (which most

> people think is more than just " likely " )... I dont want them at the

> wedding. To me, my nada and my dad are both as good as dead. I tell

> people they are, actually... to avoid explaining their sh!t. Ya

> know? Help Help!

> - L.

[Guest guest]

Hey -- I agree with the other posters. Even tho you're being

" guilt tripped " you have to do what's best for YOU. This is one of the

many " tests " you'll face now that you're " free " . There will be many

occasions when your nada/fada will try and suck you back into the

dysfunction (it's called hoovering) and you may get hung up in the in

FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Btw, I forget where the abbreviations

are listed, but the guidelines are posted 1st of every month

(tomorrow) and I think the list abbreviations are posted there as

well. Or maybe someone else remembers where they are?

You said: " To me, my nada and my dad are both as good as dead. " Seems

like that sums it up. I don't blame you for feeling that way, after

what you described. Yes, it WAS that bad, it wasn't your " imagination "

and you shouldn't let anyone invalidate or minimize how bad it really

was. Proceeed with caution. Not my place to advise, but if I were you

(knowing what I know now) I wouldn't let them anywhere near my life.

One way or another, they'll darken every pathway. Bleck.

Congratulations on your upcoming graduation May your path be filled

with light and love Toast to *your* future :-)

liquid sunshine

> Hey Everybody,

> Ok, so here's the problem. My highschool graduation is coming up on

> June 5, and I don't know whether or not I should invite my nada and

> my dad. They did nothing but make hell for me my entire life, why

> would I want them to darken the pathway into the rest of my life? My

> grandma said I should, because they are " my parents. " (as a

> collective unit apparently). Could you guys give me some opinions?

> This is like when I get married to my current boyfriend (which most

> people think is more than just " likely " )... I dont want them at the

> wedding. To me, my nada and my dad are both as good as dead. I tell

> people they are, actually... to avoid explaining their sh!t. Ya

> know? Help Help!

> - L.

[Guest guest]

Hmmmm....

I'll bet everyone is telling you that this " brings up painful

memories " . I won't do that! Of course it reminds me the my most

painful years of my life! (laugh)

Gee honey, it's a big decision that is all up to you. My parents

attended my graduation (I was so screwed up that I graduated HS at

age 20) and I sat by my non-BP father. I'm not even sure my mother

was there. Don't feel bad for not inviting them, if that is your

final decision. I think it might feel good not to! In my case, being

able to tell my mother to f*** off (in so many words) has felt good.

Finally having control to make my own decisions-which often includes

EXcluding them both-has been quite liberating. DO NOT FEEL OBLIGATED

to invite them. I'm sure your grams knows nothing about the abuse

your mother has put you through. The only one who understands about

the horror my mother put me through is my hubby.

Whatever your decision, you have my support. Just keep in mind the

aweful guilt-trip and " projection-rejection " rage that will follow if

you do not invite. As long as you know that you are NOT the crazy

one, you won't buy into any of the bullspit that gets hurled at you.

DON'T BELIEVE A WORD OF IT!

And one more thing-keep on truckin'.

BIG hugs and congratulations,

- (age 27-BP mom)

[Guest guest]

Do what makes you comfortable. Are they your parents or incubator and sperm

donor. you decide. It's your day and you have probably read all about how

nada's and fada's can really mess up your day. because everyday is theif day!