Inevitable showdown with nada on the phone tonight

[Guest guest]

Pray or channel good thoughts my way or something. I decided that I would call

nada every 2 wks or so to keep contact and flex my new Non muscles. I thought I

could handle it, but she left a phone message yesterday to call back. I swung

into an urge to cry, started picking my cuticles and mommma's mantra started in

my head: " I want to die. I want to kill myself. " What the hell? It's like

the manchurian candidate (only saw the Sinatra one, BTW). I don't even have to

talk to her, and despite all of my new thinking, I'm sucked back in.

I want to call her though and get it overwith. Hope I'm not too miserable all

day today until I do call tonight. My jaw can't take a whole day of intense

clenching. Gotta learn how to do this and not feel so powerless. Confidence!

(Gag.)

k

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

,

I am sending good thoughts your way. I understand how you feel. Just

the sound of a nada voice can cause such strong reactions. Takes us

back to our powerless days as children. As KOs, we are working hard

to feel the strength we really have, because we can choose to respond

differently. I'll share what helps me. I understand that nada's

voice is a stimulus, and my emotions are flaring up, ready to react.

But now, I can choose how to act, instead of react. I no longer have

to hide (physically or emotionally). I worked a very long time on

determining how I want to behave in certain situations. And then I

realized that no matter what the stimulus, I can choose how I want to

respond. All of this was a very big leap of faith for me, and I am

still working on it.

Take care of yourself,

Sylvia

> Pray or channel good thoughts my way or something. I decided that

I would call nada every 2 wks or so to keep contact and flex my new

Non muscles. I thought I could handle it, but she left a phone

message yesterday to call back. I swung into an urge to cry, started

picking my cuticles and mommma's mantra started in my head: " I want

to die. I want to kill myself. " What the hell? It's like the

manchurian candidate (only saw the Sinatra one, BTW). I don't even

have to talk to her, and despite all of my new thinking, I'm sucked

back in.

>

> I want to call her though and get it overwith. Hope I'm not too

miserable all day today until I do call tonight. My jaw can't take a

whole day of intense clenching. Gotta learn how to do this and not

feel so powerless. Confidence! (Gag.)

>

> k

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the encouragement, Sylvia. Not that it's great that so

many people have the same griefs with our BP's, but it is nice to

know that I'm not some weird, parent-hating freak. Like I told my

dad the other day, if I didn't care, it wouldn't be so hard to

maintain the relationship. I think that I do many of the same

things that you do, but it doesn't remove the negative emotions. It

would be nice to turn just the emotions off, but that's a huge part

of the problem.

> As KOs, we are working hard

> to feel the strength we really have, because we can choose to

respond differently.

I know that I have great capacity for strength, and it is the choice

that becomes irrationally frightening. I kept asking myself why a

grown woman should be afraid. It's breaking the old habit that

starts me reeling. Nada only has the power over me that I give to

her, and the keeping of that power seems unnatural. Practice should

help, and it's comforting to know that even more experienced Nons

still feel as though it is a " leap of faith. "

As I was checking the traffic on the group site, my parents returned

the message I left for them this evening. My dad started things

with my silent mother on the extention which creeped me out a bit.

We talked about the weather... Eastern PA anyway is flooded with

leftover hurricaine rain, so it was a reasonable topic. I was

scolded for making a joke out of their admonishment to call more

often which accounted for the most uncomfortable part of the

conversation (except for a few silent pauses).

My DH's nada and Non-father-turned-fada (the inlaw nada/fada), when

they did call, used the same phone tactic. " Father " starts the

conversation (he prefers " Father " : acquaintences think a priest

lives with them...) and " Mother " listens on the extention, I guess

to write stuff she thinks she's not supposed to know down in her

damn book. I just think it's weird, disturbing and interesting that

my (less aggressive and higher functioning nada dysfunctional unit)

parents did what my DH and I have laughed about for years. Creepy.

Either way, nada's observing my intensely defended boundary for the

moment, and dad seems to be walking the fine line in the middle,

poor guy. I wish that it wasn't such a labor-intensive process, but

the numbers of soldiers lost in the Middle East since this Iraqi war

is theoretically no different. Anything worth keeping will require

defense and maintenance, and in that light, it doesn't seem so

difficult to accept.

k

[Guest guest]

call with someone von 3 way? or pretend you are interviewing her to be on

survivor? or just call and ream yourself out so she's speechless

Kunsman wrote:Pray or channel good

thoughts my way or something. I decided that I would call nada every 2 wks or

so to keep contact and flex my new Non muscles. I thought I could handle it,

but she left a phone message yesterday to call back. I swung into an urge to

cry, started picking my cuticles and mommma's mantra started in my head: " I

want to die. I want to kill myself. " What the hell? It's like the manchurian

candidate (only saw the Sinatra one, BTW). I don't even have to talk to her,

and despite all of my new thinking, I'm sucked back in.

I want to call her though and get it overwith. Hope I'm not too miserable all

day today until I do call tonight. My jaw can't take a whole day of intense

clenching. Gotta learn how to do this and not feel so powerless. Confidence!

(Gag.)

k

__________________________________________________