Re: Family occasion

[Guest guest]

........... I went and felt out of place, but I went.

*****This struck a cord with me. It describes how I have felt, and

often still do feel, in many situations. For me, I think it is

because I am accepting nada's criticizms, and thinking

(subconsciously) that the people I am with think the same things

about me.

I think in your case, once you get through

> your first event, you will be able to do it much easier next time.

*******Yes, I agree. This is a thought that comforts me.

> I

> know the frightened child is walking on egg shells not knowing how

> nada will behave, but you can do it and you have every right to

stay

> in contact with your family. Keep us posted, .

******Thanks for your kind thoughts,

Sylvia

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[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for writing this post. I can see so many

similarities between what you've written and some of my own

experiences, that it is very validating, and makes me feel like I'm

not alone.

One thing that has always been VERY important to my NADA, is that we

portray an image of a happy, tight-nit family when going to

extended-family gatherings (ie: everyone has to juggle their plans,

and go out of their way, just so we can all arrive together, and look

happy). There are times, when she has even gotten mad at me for

trying to buy my own gift for a wedding or shower, an addition to the

" family gift " that she was purchasing..... Of course, all of this

extra planning to " look like a happy family " leads to TONS of iternal

spats and fights. So, the result is, that other people think we are

a happy family, while we can barely stand to speak to each other.

.........thanks to this " training " , I am also very good at " looking

calm and happy " while my insides are twisted with frustration and

anger. Calm outside, while the tornado brews within.

I'm new to this group, just recently (within 6 months) entered

therapy, and for the first time, I think I'm seeing things within my

FOO with a new perspective. For the first time, I'm planning on

" breaking ranks " this holiday season, and attending Thanksgiving

dinner at my favorite Aunts, instead of my NADA's (this Aunt and NADA

had a falling out years ago, and have not been close since). It will

be a shock wave. But, I'm hoping that I will actually have a fun,

happy holiday, with no fighting and bickering! Imagine that! Its

kind of bitter-sweet.

My only advice on dealing with siblings, is to stand your ground with

your parents, but not take things that your siblings say/do personally

(ie. don't take it as a betrayal if they stick to old patterns for a

while). What we are doing is scary to them, even if, deep down,

they know its right, and they are angry/frustrated. Changing old

patterns takes courage and an inner strength that not everyone has.

Anyway, thanks for letting me know that I'm not alone, it is a big

help right now.

Good Luck,

Donna

> I have just accepted an invitation to a family wedding. In the past,

> nada, father, sis and I, and sometimes some of sis's and my children

> would all go together to these events. (Sis has a BIG van). The

> last occasion was and aunt and uncle's 50th anniversary. We had

> problems on the way (an 8 hour drive), and some minor probs on the

> way back. (Can you guess who was the cause of the problems? Anyone

> saying N A D A?)

>

> I had to go through alot of mental processing in order to accept this

> invitation. First, I didn't even know if I wanted to go. With a

> nada, you don't often get to chose what you want to do, you know.

> And since this was a family occasion, and I know nada will be there,

> I had other concerns: Should I go? (Translation - do I DESERVE to

> go?) What if nada got mad or created a scene? (Yes, I was willing to

> accept the responsibility for nada creating a scene - the effects of

> years of being told, 'don't do anything to upset her'); and also, the

> sadness of knowing that I don't have the family I want and deserved.

> I will be going alone because I don't have a real family to go with.

>

> I also have to deal with the chronic FEAR of nada's rages. I now

> understand that this fear has been with me since I was an infant. It

> is one of the constants in my life. I have transferred it to

> everything, just a general fear that someone, somewhere is going to

> fly into a rage because of something I did (or didn't) do. I can

> talk myself out of this fear, but I still feel it pretty stongly.

> And this is one of the times - when I am deciding to do something I

> want to do. (Translation - How dare I choose to do anything when I

> am such an bad child?)

>

> I figured out that I wanted to go, and that was what spurred me on.

> I sent the acceptance, and decided that I would either fly or drive

> by myself. I am going to get the directions from MapQuest, and make

> my own hotel/motel reservations. I will have to juggle some finances

> to do this, but I can do it. I am not going to crumble because my

> nada has fits when she doesn't like what someone does. And I am also

> doing this just to prove that I can, that I don't have to continue

> being ruled by nada's irrational feelings.

>

> I was invited because my extended family wants to share their joy

> with their family. There are aunts, and uncle and cousins that I

> want to see again. I don't really think nada will behave badly at

> the wedding, but that is my thinking, not my feeling. I will be

> challenged by not letting myself feel that I don't deserve to be

> there (another nada legacy, feeling that I don't deserve ANYTHING

> that I want or like, and also that I don't deserve to be happy.)

>

> I talked to my sister today, and she didn't say anything about the

> wedding. I am feeling very uncomfortable about talking to her about

> this. If I learn that she is going to take my parents, and that she

> hasn't even mentioned the wedding to me (like, are you planning to

> go), I will feel betrayed by her as well. Just about the fact that

> she wouldn't tell me what her plans are. And I am again feeling like

> the 'bad' child here, because I am not being compliant with the

> family craziness. I am not expecting her to change her relationship

> with our parents. I understand that I am second guessing here, and

> that the only way to find out is to ask her about it. So, I guess

> that is what I will have to do. (The little girl is saying, " but I

> don't wanna! " ) And as I am rereading this, the thought that my

> sister didn't say anything because she was feeling uncomfortable

> about it just came to me. (Proof that second guessing in these

> situations can lead to any variety of 'reasoning'.) I just won't

> know until I talk to her about it. And processing this through the

> post is helping.

>

> Sylvia

[Guest guest]

...............>

> I'm new to this group, just recently (within 6 months) entered

> therapy, and for the first time, I think I'm seeing things within my

> FOO with a new perspective. For the first time, I'm planning on

> " breaking ranks " this holiday season, and attending Thanksgiving

> dinner at my favorite Aunts, instead of my NADA's (this Aunt and

NADA

> had a falling out years ago, and have not been close since). It

will

> be a shock wave. But, I'm hoping that I will actually have a fun,

> happy holiday, with no fighting and bickering! Imagine that!

Its

> kind of bitter-sweet.

*****I highly recommend dinner at your Aunt's. My holidays have been

so much better since I no longer have nada around me. I have only

spent two occasions with nada this year, and if it weren't for the

wedding, that would be it.

>

> My only advice on dealing with siblings, is to stand your ground

with

> your parents, but not take things that your siblings say/do

personally

> (ie. don't take it as a betrayal if they stick to old patterns for a

> while). What we are doing is scary to them, even if, deep down,

> they know its right, and they are angry/frustrated. Changing old

> patterns takes courage and an inner strength that not everyone has.

*****Thanks for this advice. My sister and I were very close before

I cut off from nada. And I know that peacekeeping at all costs is

highly ingrained in her. I am trying not to let her actions/non-

actions affect me.

>

> Anyway, thanks for letting me know that I'm not alone, it is a big

> help right now.

>

> Good Luck,

> Donna

Thanks, Donna, and good luck to you also. Let us know about

Thanksgiving at your Aunt's.

Sylvia

>

[Guest guest]

Our BPD parents are both dead, and I have one sister. She is coming for a visit

soon and my husband is going to be out of town. I am hoping to gentley have some

good conversations with her. Since I was split to bad, and she to good, it

should be interesting. She never wants to talk about ideas or feelings only

things and shopping. Our tepid relationship is the result of being raised in a

war zone.

Otwoma

smhtrain2 wrote:

Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions. I think any one of the

statements about my sister is a possibility. I went to visit her

this evening, and we had a pleasant visit. I did not bring up the

wedding until the end. It was interesting to me that she talked

about something else she is doing next month, but she never mentioned

the wedding. I asked her if she was going, and she said yes, she was

going (only because) she had to drive our parents there. She

added, 'Of course, you know you are welcome to come along with us if

you want to.' (My thought here was that if she meant it, she would

have called me and invited me when they made their plans.)

I didn't ask her why she didn't mention it. I didn't ask because I

don't think I would get a truthful answer. (And I don't know if this

is avoidance or acceptance. Right now, I don't care. I am dealing

with enough with just going - which is so against the way my foo

would want me to behave.) Sister is still convinced that being nice

to everyone and avoiding confrontation at any cost is the way to go.

It was strange tonight to listen to how many of her responses were

like nadas. I don't think she has BPD, but I think there are alot of

fleas. It is times like this when I feel really alone. No one in my

foo to validate me, and because of my own fleas, I have not made many

good friends (something that I am changing).

I do feel very good about what I am doing. I am breaking out of the

foo web by taking care of myself.

Sylvia

> Sylvia,

> Just reading through your post I was wondering these things about

> your sister?

> *Is she not saying anything to you because she doesn't know if you

> are invited?

> *Will sister feel like she is in the middle if she talks about the

> wedding?

> *Will sister feel like she has to hide the fact that you are going

> to the wedding from Nada?

> *Will sister have to deal with a Nada rage about you and your (in

> Nada's skewed reality) selfishness for not wanting to travel or

stay

> with them?

> Is she afraid that she will hurt your feelings if she tells you

that

> she is going to the wedding...assuming that she thinks you are not

> going?

>

>....................>

> Di.

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