to Otwoma - was Hello, a newbie here.

[Guest guest]

Hello Otwoma,

that sounds really rotten! It must have been terrible to have a friend

turn on you like that. Someone I knew at university claimed to have a

stepdaughter who was a BP, but after a while started acting very

oddly, and I just couldn't believe her anymore. I thought she might

have had Bpd or such herself. It left a very sour taste in the mouth,

especially since she was quite a close friend at the time.

I know what you mean about the sudden splitting thing - I was a good

kid until we moved to Australia when I was 14, and almost overnight I

turned, in my mother's eyes, into a fiend from hell. I have a bare

bones support via occasional letters and chats with my grandma, who

always tried to emind me that I was a teenager and it was ok to feel

confused and all over the place... but that was about it. I was

completely cut off from my family and friends, and had a very hard

time learning the language and social customs well enough so that I

could fit in with the other kids at school. My mother must have had a

hellish time too, but she took it out on me far too often. And my

stepfather, after a while, started to take her side in the arguments

and tell me not to upset my mother. I can understand why he did that,

I am an adult now, but at the time the isolation was horrendous.

It was kind of odd, reading the all-good / no-good section in the

" borderline mother " book - I found bits I could relate to on both

sides. I used to think that since my mother was so nice to me when I

was little, my childhood wasn't all that bad... but both sides left a

nasty legacy.

It sounds like you've come a long way in dealing with the " fleas " and

choosing to live your life. It's good to see!

Take care

D

> Dear Velvet,

> This is a long answer, but you asked .I was the " good " kid who got

split to bad when I got a scholarship and left home. I thought the

problem was my father's drinking and ended up in an Adult Child group.

I went to group for three years and got on with my life. My husband

and I were teaching in a study abroad program and a non traditional

student signed up for my husband's class. We became friends. She moved

a block away from us and she was in our lives almost everyday. She

became a friend/daughter. She did student teaching in a men's federal

prison and then she graduated. We took her to Thailand on a research

trip and began to notice very strange behaviors. That was two years ago.

> Since then, we have had little contact with her. She avoids us. If

the behaviors were not so extreme I would just say we grew apart, but

there was major projecting, raging, etc. and she moved in with her

lesbian student teaching professor. (Previously, she had been in a

very strict religion (Brethren) and actually gave her gay sister a

very hard time about living a gay life. I knew she was BP, but did not

know what it meant. I started to read and began to realize that both

of my parents were BP. I realized that she had become the BP in my

life that replaced them as they had recently died.

> Now, I try to keep up with this list. I try to recognize fleas in

myself. I work on dealing with my BP at work in the best way I can. I

try to get a lot of excercise and since I am an artist, I try to find

time to do my work. Now two years later, I miss the hole my pseudo

friend left, but I have filled it with as mant positive things as I

can. I am better because of the experience, but I went through many

sleepless nights worrying about her. Take care.

> Otwoma

[Guest guest]

Hello Velvet,

So many of us here have stories much like mine. If they were always terrible to

us, sooner or later, we'd leave. If they were generally nice to us, we'd be

happy. The love/hate thing keeps people sucked in. So thank goodness for this

site. Understanding what we are dealing with is very helpful. Venting helps too.

Just like any other addition, we are never not venerable to BPs. My greatest

fear is that when either my husband or I die, my pseudo friend will come back to

victimize the one who is left. I think because there were the two of us, we

could support each other. Take care.

Otwoma

velvetgranat@... wrote:

Hello Otwoma,

that sounds really rotten! It must have been terrible to have a friend

turn on you like that. Someone I knew at university claimed to have a

stepdaughter who was a BP, but after a while started acting very

oddly, and I just couldn't believe her anymore. I thought she might

have had Bpd or such herself. It left a very sour taste in the mouth,

especially since she was quite a close friend at the time.

I know what you mean about the sudden splitting thing - I was a good

kid until we moved to Australia when I was 14, and almost overnight I

turned, in my mother's eyes, into a fiend from hell. I have a bare

bones support via occasional letters and chats with my grandma, who

always tried to emind me that I was a teenager and it was ok to feel

confused and all over the place... but that was about it. I was

completely cut off from my family and friends, and had a very hard

time learning the language and social customs well enough so that I

could fit in with the other kids at school. My mother must have had a

hellish time too, but she took it out on me far too often. And my

stepfather, after a while, started to take her side in the arguments

and tell me not to upset my mother. I can understand why he did that,

I am an adult now, but at the time the isolation was horrendous.

It was kind of odd, reading the all-good / no-good section in the

" borderline mother " book - I found bits I could relate to on both

sides. I used to think that since my mother was so nice to me when I

was little, my childhood wasn't all that bad... but both sides left a

nasty legacy.

It sounds like you've come a long way in dealing with the " fleas " and

choosing to live your life. It's good to see!

Take care

D

> Dear Velvet,

> This is a long answer, but you asked .I was the " good " kid who got

split to bad when I got a scholarship and left home. I thought the

problem was my father's drinking and ended up in an Adult Child group.

I went to group for three years and got on with my life. My husband

and I were teaching in a study abroad program and a non traditional

student signed up for my husband's class. We became friends. She moved

a block away from us and she was in our lives almost everyday. She

became a friend/daughter. She did student teaching in a men's federal

prison and then she graduated. We took her to Thailand on a research

trip and began to notice very strange behaviors. That was two years ago.

> Since then, we have had little contact with her. She avoids us. If

the behaviors were not so extreme I would just say we grew apart, but

there was major projecting, raging, etc. and she moved in with her

lesbian student teaching professor. (Previously, she had been in a

very strict religion (Brethren) and actually gave her gay sister a

very hard time about living a gay life. I knew she was BP, but did not

know what it meant. I started to read and began to realize that both

of my parents were BP. I realized that she had become the BP in my

life that replaced them as they had recently died.

> Now, I try to keep up with this list. I try to recognize fleas in

myself. I work on dealing with my BP at work in the best way I can. I

try to get a lot of excercise and since I am an artist, I try to find

time to do my work. Now two years later, I miss the hole my pseudo

friend left, but I have filled it with as mant positive things as I

can. I am better because of the experience, but I went through many

sleepless nights worrying about her. Take care.

> Otwoma

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

Hello Otwoma,

It's a bit like that, isn't it?.. It would be so much easier to deal

with the loved ones with BPD, if they were just nasty. There wouldn't

be the bewildering " turns " and lighting-strike rages, alternating with

the " nice " mother/ father / whatever. I think it's that changeability

that scarred me among the worst traits in my mothers makeup. And yes,

you are right- an abusive relationship is an addiction, and damn hard

to leave!

I truly hope that that friend of yours won't come back, since you are

so uncomfortable with the idea! TBH, knowing what bpd is like, I

actually doubt that she might - you and your husband may well be the

greatest fiends in her books. I am sorry if thats too presumptious of

me to say... I guess I find it almost a relief that BPs might think of

me as a fiend - it's not a comfortable thought, of course, but I can

deal with it. After all, that makes me too scary to be approached by

them, right? Yeah, it's twisted logic, but it works for me...

Take care

D

> Hello Velvet,

> So many of us here have stories much like mine. If they were always

terrible to us, sooner or later, we'd leave. If they were generally

nice to us, we'd be happy. The love/hate thing keeps people sucked in.

So thank goodness for this site. Understanding what we are dealing

with is very helpful. Venting helps too. Just like any other addition,

we are never not venerable to BPs. My greatest fear is that when

either my husband or I die, my pseudo friend will come back to

victimize the one who is left. I think because there were the two of

us, we could support each other. Take care.

> Otwoma

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Velvet,

Yes, I admit it. My husband and I were FIENDS! We were persued by our pseudo

friend and then FORCED her to eat dinner with us. Then, we actually HELPED her

study so she could raise her grades. Having higher grades, ENABLED her to get a

high profile appontment to the university governance board. Next, we PAID her

tuition for a class abroad that I taught. We bought a new home and she had her

own ROOM equal exactly to the size of our son's room. Then, we MADE her equal to

our son in our will. Lastly, we GAVE her a trip to Thailand as a graduation

present. Yup. WE WERE FIENDS!

Seriously, I have a hard time thinking that we were anything but wonderful to

this person. We did it because she acted like we were the parents she wished she

had. We did it because she was fun and witty. She even had friends who accused

us of trying to get her to have a threesome with us, when we never even thought

about that or considered it in any way. I now think that was really what she was

thinking coming from such a twisted background. I think just having a couple

treat you so well wasn't enough because NOTHING IS EVER ENOUGH FOR THESE PEOPLE.

Tatoo that on every nons brain, and we will all be better for it. Take care.

Otwoma

velvetgranat@... wrote:

Hello Otwoma,

It's a bit like that, isn't it?.. It would be so much easier to deal

with the loved ones with BPD, if they were just nasty. There wouldn't

be the bewildering " turns " and lighting-strike rages, alternating with

the " nice " mother/ father / whatever. I think it's that changeability

that scarred me among the worst traits in my mothers makeup. And yes,

you are right- an abusive relationship is an addiction, and damn hard

to leave!

I truly hope that that friend of yours won't come back, since you are

so uncomfortable with the idea! TBH, knowing what bpd is like, I

actually doubt that she might - you and your husband may well be the

greatest fiends in her books. I am sorry if thats too presumptious of

me to say... I guess I find it almost a relief that BPs might think of

me as a fiend - it's not a comfortable thought, of course, but I can

deal with it. After all, that makes me too scary to be approached by

them, right? Yeah, it's twisted logic, but it works for me...

Take care

D

> Hello Velvet,

> So many of us here have stories much like mine. If they were always

terrible to us, sooner or later, we'd leave. If they were generally

nice to us, we'd be happy. The love/hate thing keeps people sucked in.

So thank goodness for this site. Understanding what we are dealing

with is very helpful. Venting helps too. Just like any other addition,

we are never not venerable to BPs. My greatest fear is that when

either my husband or I die, my pseudo friend will come back to

victimize the one who is left. I think because there were the two of

us, we could support each other. Take care.

> Otwoma

>

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

I think in our case it was a mix of her projection, distortion and sexual

confusion. We were very upset when she told us what her " friends " said. Our

pseudo friend wanted to tell me about the past sexual abuse, and I just couldn't

bear hearing it. She got angry with me over that. Take care.

Otwoma

sexystarshine79@... wrote:

I wonder if these bizzare and innapropriate sexual ideas are a common BPD

trait? My mother always gets such nasty ideas. She once accussed my step father

of wanted to masterbate with my baby sisters underwear! Then she had INSANE

ideas that I and the middle daughter would seduce him away or that we really

wanted to sleep with him if given the chance!!! Ugh. Hello, not wanting any

penis that has been near my MOTHER! EVER!!! And he would never want his step

kids that way, he is a pretty honorable and decent human .

But thats the way she thinks. she really believes that everyone just wants

to have sex with everyone on the planet! No one is innocent in her book.

In a message dated 7/30/2004 7:44:25 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

otwoma2002@... writes:

She even had friends who accused us of trying to get her to have a threesome

with us, when we never even thought about that or considered it in any way.

I now think that was really what she was thinking coming from such a twisted

background.