Guest guest Posted August 3, 2004 Report Share Posted August 3, 2004 Welcome Gail, I am the KO of BP parents and my mother was a hermit/waif, but had a touch of witch thrown in for good measure. I am also an art teacher. I left my disfunctional family at 20 and was split to bad. My sister sayed until my mother died a few years ago, so she was split to good. Sounds like you are learning to set boundaries the hard way. As an artist and a visual thinker, I picture a lifeboat. There are nons and our BPs in the boat. Suddenly, a BP starts wailing on the bottom of the boat, trying to punch a hole. It is the nons job to try to stop the BP, but you know if push comes to shove litterally, I am chucking the BP in the drink. My life comes first. It doesn't mean that I don't love my BP, it means that if I am to survive, they might need to go. I would feel terrible about cutting off a beloved BP, but they would be chucking any non out of the boat for any silly reason. Take care. Otwoma gail wrote: Hi everyone, thought I'd take a few minutes to introduce myself, I am also on the bpsibling list but find this may be a better place for me as I discover more about the situation, so if you're on the sib list you may want to skip this! I'm a 48 yo female who has been covering up for my dysfunctional family my whole life. Dad seemed to keep control of my mother and brother (67 and 36), but he passed away 2 and a half yrs ago, and since then my foo has gone totally out of control. My mother has been a pill popper and a waif/ hermit most of her life. During my teen years she did many inappropriate things, mostly sexual, involving me in one crisis after another, and totally screwing up my self-esteem and my logical thought processes. There have been numerous suicide threats, she abandoned us to have her fun, then came home and still likes to reminisce about it 32 yrs later. She has always been the poor victim, trapped in horrible circumstances, and no one understands her pain. (In her opinion only!) She is also incredibly negative and has no friends. My brother is also bpd, he has been supported by my parents off and on his whole life, he never finished anything he started except truck driving school. He has been unemployed about 3-4 yrs, and last yr he stole $4000-6000 from my mother's credit card. I always had a distant, cordial relationship to him until my mother asked me to speak to him about getting a job, moving out of her house, and paying her back what he stole. That was in March, and it's been hell since then. He finally went back on the truck 3 weeks ago, after cussing me out royally for butting into his life, and threatening to call the cops and get a restraining order if I EVER contacted him again. Since he's been gone, he has has 2 crises already. First of all he kept relaying messages through my mother that he said hello, which I kept telling her was weird since he threatened me with the cops. Then Saturday my mother said he asked me to call him. I said no way, he's threatened me with the cops, maybe I'll talk to him when he comes through again. Sunday, he called my house, and left a message that he loves me and misses me, and for me to please call him. Well I''m tired of being stupid about this, so I ignored the phone call. The next morning my mother started in again on how I should just forgive him and make up, that this is really killing him for me to not speak to him, and that he'd probably be in town that day, would I see him? I once again said I hadn't made up my mind yet. An hour later I get a frantic phone call; he's in the hospital, they found him on the side of the road several miles from his truck, unconscious and covered in ant bites. They took him to the hospital and sedated him because he became incoherent and unruly. My mother seemed to think he did something drastic to himself because I didn't call him back. But knowing my brother, this was just another twisted cry for attention. (Turns out he was dehydrated, but most of his story doesn't add up, as usual.) He also told mom he'd checked himself out of the hospital against dr's orders... another gross exaggeration, I suspect. My mother wanted to know why I forgave my father for his terrible temper toward her, yet I couldn't forgive my brother. This infuriated me, because my father stood by this crazy family his whole life, and she thinks she's the helpless victim of his temper. Personally I don't know why my dad didn't walk out on her years ago. What she doesn't see is that I also forgave her for the horrible mother she has always been, and the sick example she has always set for me. I finally set boundaries for the first time, and told her I didn't know if I would speak to my brother again, that I knew exactly how she felt, but I would have to make the decision to see him on my own, and that if I decided not to talk to him, I realized that they would think I was a selfish b***h, but that I would have to live with that. She started crying and said that neither one of us was thinking about her, we were both being selfish and thinking of ourselves, and that this was tearing her apart. My blood felt like ice water, but I was calm. I said I was sorry she felt that way, that I understood how this hurt her, but that I had slapped a smile on my face and acted like everything was fine my whole life when it wasn't, and that for once i was being honest and doing what I felt was right, and wasn't going to pretend everything was ok. First I got silence. Then she said Well I guess there's nothing left to say, and hung up on me. I know logically that this isn't over by a long shot, that they will now band together and gang up on me. I am trying to prepare for the next onslaught, hoping that they decide to move away and leave me alone, but fat chance of that happening! She lives a mile down the road, and I'm the only family either of them has that gives a rat's butt about them anymore. This has been devastating to me.... in the past 4 months I have discovered so much about how dysfunctional this family has been, I thought this stuff was normal most of my life! I'm now trying to come to grips with the fact that I may have to cut myself off from both of them, and it's so hard. Our lives have been so tangled together for so long. I have really enjoyed reading everyone's posts, we all have the same sick situation and that blows my mind! By the way, I am also in the helping professions. I was a sp ed teacher for 12 yrs, and now I teach art. We just want to rescue the world, don't we? Thanks for listening. Gail Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: http://www.BPDCentral.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2004 Report Share Posted August 3, 2004 Hang in there! I am 30 yrs old and just realizing that it was my job even as a child to make my bpd mother " happy " . It's not easy to be faced with the reality that " disowning " the bpd(s) in your life maybe your only chance at sanity. On the flip side we " caretakers " have a hard time letting our bpd(s) go too. No one else in there right mind would put up with those kinds of emotional demands! My husband can't believe sometimes what I put up with or the excuses I make for my Nada's behaviors. I too became a teacher, very interesting that so many KOs are teachers. Again, hang in there, it does get easier! > Hi everyone, thought I'd take a few minutes to introduce myself, I am also on > the bpsibling list but find this may be a better place for me as I discover more > about the situation, so if you're on the sib list you may want to skip this! > > I'm a 48 yo female who has been covering up for my dysfunctional family my > whole life. Dad seemed to keep control of my mother and brother (67 and > 36), but he passed away 2 and a half yrs ago, and since then my foo has > gone totally out of control. My mother has been a pill popper and a waif/ > hermit most of her life. During my teen years she did many inappropriate > things, mostly sexual, involving me in one crisis after another, and totally > screwing up my self-esteem and my logical thought processes. There have > been numerous suicide threats, she abandoned us to have her fun, then > came home and still likes to reminisce about it 32 yrs later. She has always > been the poor victim, trapped in horrible circumstances, and no one > understands her pain. (In her opinion only!) She is also incredibly negative > and has no friends. > My brother is also bpd, he has been supported by my parents off and on his > whole life, he never finished anything he started except truck driving school. > He has been unemployed about 3-4 yrs, and last yr he stole $4000- 6000 from > my mother's credit card. I always had a distant, cordial relationship to him > until my mother asked me to speak to him about getting a job, moving out of > her house, and paying her back what he stole. That was in March, and it's > been hell since then. > He finally went back on the truck 3 weeks ago, after cussing me out royally for > butting into his life, and threatening to call the cops and get a restraining order > if I EVER contacted him again. > Since he's been gone, he has has 2 crises already. First of all he kept > relaying messages through my mother that he said hello, which I kept telling > her was weird since he threatened me with the cops. Then Saturday my > mother said he asked me to call him. I said no way, he's threatened me with > the cops, maybe I'll talk to him when he comes through again. > Sunday, he called my house, and left a message that he loves me and misses > me, and for me to please call him. Well I''m tired of being stupid about this, so > I ignored the phone call. The next morning my mother started in again on > how I should just forgive him and make up, that this is really killing him for me > to not speak to him, and that he'd probably be in town that day, would I see > him? I once again said I hadn't made up my mind yet. > An hour later I get a frantic phone call; he's in the hospital, they found him on > the side of the road several miles from his truck, unconscious and covered in > ant bites. They took him to the hospital and sedated him because he became > incoherent and unruly. My mother seemed to think he did something drastic > to himself because I didn't call him back. But knowing my brother, this was > just another twisted cry for attention. (Turns out he was dehydrated, but most > of his story doesn't add up, as usual.) He also told mom he'd checked himself > out of the hospital against dr's orders... another gross exaggeration, I suspect. > > My mother wanted to know why I forgave my father for his terrible temper > toward her, yet I couldn't forgive my brother. This infuriated me, because my > father stood by this crazy family his whole life, and she thinks she's the > helpless victim of his temper. Personally I don't know why my dad didn't walk > out on her years ago. What she doesn't see is that I also forgave her for the > horrible mother she has always been, and the sick example she has always > set for me. > I finally set boundaries for the first time, and told her I didn't know if I would > speak to my brother again, that I knew exactly how she felt, but I would have > to make the decision to see him on my own, and that if I decided not to talk to > him, I realized that they would think I was a selfish b***h, but that I would have > to live with that. > She started crying and said that neither one of us was thinking about her, we > were both being selfish and thinking of ourselves, and that this was tearing > her apart. My blood felt like ice water, but I was calm. I said I was sorry she > felt that way, that I understood how this hurt her, but that I had slapped a smile > on my face and acted like everything was fine my whole life when it wasn't, > and that for once i was being honest and doing what I felt was right, and > wasn't going to pretend everything was ok. > First I got silence. Then she said Well I guess there's nothing left to say, and > hung up on me. > I know logically that this isn't over by a long shot, that they will now band > together and gang up on me. I am trying to prepare for the next onslaught, > hoping that they decide to move away and leave me alone, but fat chance of > that happening! She lives a mile down the road, and I'm the only family either > of them has that gives a rat's butt about them anymore. This has been > devastating to me.... in the past 4 months I have discovered so much about > how dysfunctional this family has been, I thought this stuff was normal most of > my life! I'm now trying to come to grips with the fact that I may have to cut > myself off from both of them, and it's so hard. Our lives have been so tangled > together for so long. > I have really enjoyed reading everyone's posts, we all have the same sick > situation and that blows my mind! > By the way, I am also in the helping professions. I was a sp ed teacher for 12 > yrs, and now I teach art. We just want to rescue the world, don't we? > Thanks for listening. > Gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2004 Report Share Posted August 3, 2004 Thank you to everyone who responded to my desperation! I have seen the therapist today, and she suggested I write my Nada and tell her everything on my mind, not placing blame, just trying to let her see what it looked like from my shoes as a child. I wrote a lonnnnng letter. Then I mailed it. Now I'm going to rest for the remainder of the evening and prepare my armor for the next onslaught, probably tomorrow. My brother will probably be back in town by then and I'm sure they will join forces and gang up on me. I'm going to face this honestly for once. It feels so good to finally say I'm not going to play anymore! I'll keep you posted. Thanks again for being here. When I don't feel quite so bruised I hope to be a help to someone else. My mother-in-law always said " What goes around comes around " . I believe that too, only in a good way. Gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2004 Report Share Posted August 3, 2004 Gail, Welcome to this group. Our nada's have something in common. Mine, also, feels that she suffers more than anyone else, and that no one understands all she has gone through. (She never give any details or explanations, however, when I ask her to tell me what she is talking about.) My nada is a hermit/witch. She has also tried to manipulate the foo by telling us how selfish we all are, and that we should do more to show our appreciation for all she has done for us. Congrats on setting the boundaries. Good luck on fighting off the onslaught that predictably will come from your nada and brother. Sylvia > Hi everyone, thought I'd take a few minutes to introduce myself, I am also on > the bpsibling list but find this may be a better place for me as I discover more > about the situation, so if you're on the sib list you may want to skip this! > > I'm a 48 yo female who has been covering up for my dysfunctional family my > whole life. Dad seemed to keep control of my mother and brother (67 and > 36), but he passed away 2 and a half yrs ago, and since then my foo has > gone totally out of control. ...............> My brother is also bpd, he has been supported by my parents off and on his > whole life, he never finished anything he started except truck driving school. > He has been unemployed about 3-4 yrs, and last yr he stole $4000- 6000 from > my mother's credit card. ..................> I finally set boundaries for the first time, and told her I didn't know if I would > speak to my brother again, that I knew exactly how she felt, but I would have > to make the decision to see him on my own, and that if I decided not to talk to > him, I realized that they would think I was a selfish b***h, but that I would have > to live with that. > She started crying and said that neither one of us was thinking about her, we > were both being selfish and thinking of ourselves, and that this was tearing > her apart. ..................> Gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 4, 2004 Report Share Posted August 4, 2004 Hell Gail, and welcome to the group. I am a newbie here too. I think you are very brave, having faced such an awful situation *and* writing that long letter! I would never be able to do that, even if I wanted to... I, too, have found that trying to relate to the BPs without playing the old games is much harder than just trying to survive the onslaught. Still, it's such a wonderful feeling to keep ones integrity and sense of self, and not play those games! Take care, and I hope it all goes well for you! D > Thank you to everyone who responded to my desperation! I have seen the > therapist today, and she suggested I write my Nada and tell her everything on > my mind, not placing blame, just trying to let her see what it looked like from > my shoes as a child. I wrote a lonnnnng letter. Then I mailed it. Now I'm > going to rest for the remainder of the evening and prepare my armor for the > next onslaught, probably tomorrow. My brother will probably be back in town > by then and I'm sure they will join forces and gang up on me. I'm going to face > this honestly for once. It feels so good to finally say I'm not going to play > anymore! I'll keep you posted. Thanks again for being here. When I don't > feel quite so bruised I hope to be a help to someone else. My mother-in-law > always said " What goes around comes around " . I believe that too, only in a > good way. > Gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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