Re: Dan -- BIID

[Guest guest]

> Could you be, in essence, asking her if she will love you no matter

> what? Could that be at the bottom of your BIID?

, the first thing I thought was that couldn't be at the bottom

of the BIID because I had it long before I had my wife. Then I

remembered, it started when I was about 4 and my mother couldn't

love me unconditionally - in fact she loved me on condition that I

be something else than I was. I didn't know what I could be that I

wasn't, and somehow I drifted into the idea of being an amputee.

Somebody else in the same circumstance might drift into seeing

himself as a girl, and end up with GID (gender identity disorder).

So, my feeling that my wife doesn't love me unconditionally reopens

the wounds that created the BIID.

She told me, " You only have one chance for unconditional love. It

is when you are very small. If you lost your chance then, you can't

get it again " . I posted that a long time ago. Edith said " Yikes " !

If this is what is driving the BIID out of control, I need to get

rid of my wife before I can know whether I will also need to get rid

of my leg. If I get rid of my leg, and then I can put up with her

more easily because I will believe that I am now fundamentally

loveable, it still isn't an ideal situation. I need someone who can

unconditionally love me, or I will be better off as a hermit.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Dear Dan,

You wrote:

> She told me, " You only have one chance for unconditional love. It

> is when you are very small. If you lost your chance then, you can't

> get it again " . I posted that a long time ago. Edith said " Yikes " !

>

I second that " Yikes " ! Getting it from our mothers may be our first

chance, but it isn't our only chance. I hope I'm not out of line by

saying that loving my husband if he had only one leg, would be no

harder than loving him now. (That sounded funny, but you know what I

mean!) All you seem to want from your wife (again, I hope I'm not out

of line) is for her to just *say* this is the case.

[Guest guest]

> I hope I'm not out of line by

> saying that loving my husband if he

> had only one leg, would be no

> harder than loving him now.

, suppose he had one leg by his own choice? Would that make a

difference to you?

My wife said if I lost a leg due to no fault of my own, she would

accept me that way. It is my wish to do it that makes me

unacceptable.

> All you seem to want from your wife (again, I hope I'm not out

> of line) is for her to just *say* this is the case.

Well, I would have to believe that she meant it. It has to go

further than the bizarrery of wanting to be one-legged. It would

also have to cover more typical male things like I hate shopping and

I sometimes forget anniversaries and I am sometimes a slob. I am

willing to be nicer about all those things but I also need to

believe that I am loveable even if I don't succeed in being nicer

all the time.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Dear Dan,

> , suppose he had one leg by his own choice? Would that make a

> difference to you? My wife said if I lost a leg due to no fault of

my own, she would accept me that way. It is my wish to do it that

makes me

> unacceptable.

I see what you mean. It's the neurosis part she can't accept, not the

fact that you would be an amputee. Well, I think I would, but my

husband and I have been together a long time--so who knows how I would

have reacted when we were new? I hope I'd see it as a symptom of an

underlying belief that he needed to do it to make himself feel

lovable. I know that a KOs neuroses can be trying and exhausting, but

I hope I'd stick it out until my husband believed there was no *need*

to become an amputee. That I really *did* love him.

> I am

> willing to be nicer about all those things but I also need to

> believe that I am loveable even if I don't succeed in being nicer

> all the time.

That goes back to the belief we are only lovable if we're

perfect--another nada demand. Mine did as yours did: both indicated

I had a lot of work to do on myself to be lovable, and conversely

indicated that I was superior to others outside the family and they

were all " just jealous " .

I hope you and your wife can get this figured out. My wish for all

KOs is just to find someone, somewhere who understands and loves them.

[Guest guest]

> My wish for all

> KOs is just to find someone,

> somewhere who understands and loves them.

, I felt like crying when I read that. My first reaction

is, " Who would want to love a KO " ? My brother lucked out, but he

was much less damaged than me.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Dear Dan,

I think finding love is pretty hard for everyone, but harder for us

KOs. Still, I believe that KOs can, and do, find love. In my family,

some of us have tended to pick spouses like nada--but once a truth

like that is uncovered, it can be dealt with.

From what I see of you here, you are by no means " too damaged " to be

loved. You must try not to think that way! Your capacity to care

means others will care for you in return. I can feel the affection you

send to those on this board. You do it by sharing your past, by

defending those who you intuit need it, by shaking us up with another

perspective. In short, by caring that we heal. We come here to share

war stories, for sure. But, I personally, also come here for the

feeling of acceptance. To me, that feels a lot like love.

Lawson said: " The body speaks for the soul if the soul does

not find a voice. " As in, illness and probably, BIID...And.... " Not

until one has entered the *SAFETY* of a healthy, loving relationship

is it possible to look back and acknowledge the pain of the past. "

I don't think that necessarily means a spouse. Maybe a brother, a

son, or a friend. When I was growing up I thought if I didn't have a

husband and children I'd die. As I've grown older, I realize there

are all kinds of families and they are sometimes more loving and

accepting of who we are than the traditional kind.

LOTS of people are capable of, and wanting to love a KO!

[Guest guest]

Dan wrote:

>>My wish for all

>>KOs is just to find someone,

>>somewhere who understands and loves them.

>

> , I felt like crying when I read that. My first reaction

> is, " Who would want to love a KO " ? My brother lucked out, but he

> was much less damaged than me.

Hi Dan,

When I was a kid, up to the age of 18, there were two things that helped

me keep my sanity: (1) my nada let me have her old radio (this was in

the pre-TV days) and the only programs I was allowed to listen to were

the Lone Ranger, Dr Christian (about an MD), and classical music. My

nada hated classical music but I was allowed to listen to it if I kept

the volume down real low. The other 'thing' was our dogs. We lived in an

isolated part of Michigan and the dogs were necessary to warn us if

someone was approaching our house. But, the dogs gave me unconditional

love. Many is the time that I was beaten - verbally and physically - and

the dogs would lick the tears from my cheeks and let me hug them. Our

nadas didn't (couldn't) teach us how to soothe ourselves because,

lacking empathy, they didn't know about stuff like that.

Dan, you may be asking for something that your wife cannot give you. My

suggestion would be that you get a dog - before you decide to get rid of

the wifey. I once knew a BP who told me, never get rid of what you've

got until you have a replacement (person).

Incidently, I won a scholarship to the university to study music because

I'd memorized all the classical music I ever heard. My nada didn't know

I did that - but it was my ticket out the door the day I turned 18.

My .02,

- Edith

[Guest guest]

--- Dan wrote:

She told me, " You only have one chance for

unconditional love. It

is when you are very small. If you lost your chance

then, you can't

get it again " .

---------------------------------

Dan

That sounds like someone very aware of their power to

me. I always tend to give away my power. I now believe

that the key to my happiness is to take back my power

and learn to love MYSELF unconditionally. Big job but

I'm working on it. There is a big aching void where

mother should be but only I can fill it! I had a

strange and painful thought tonight. It made me weep.

That I'd rather have no mother at all than this one.

That seems like a kind of amputation to me.

Take care

Phil

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---------------------------------

[Guest guest]

> My suggestion would be that you get a dog -

I have a cat, who is a very dear friend. He accepts me as I am

without slavishly worshiping me. I feel I have earned his friendship.

I have a negative emotional reaction to dogs, although I can get

along with them OK. This is because Fada worships dogs - he often

said " Remember, God is Dog spelled backwards " . He always cared more

for his dog than for me and I really resented that.

- Dan