Discussing nada with Friends...

[Guest guest]

I have found that very few people will ever believe me about my

Nada. That is because she is so nice and " in control " around others

when she has to be.

For many years, I have shared Nada stories with one of my friends.

She has had the same types of issues with her Nada. When I

discovered the SWOE book this summer, I shared it with her. She was

amazed that there was a " name " for our mothers issues/behavior. Our

Nada's are so alike it isn't funny anymore. This year, my friend and

I were in a children's theatre play with our little boys. Both of

our Nada's came to the play. Neither of them had one nice thing to

say to us (about how we did)after the show, but they went on and on

about how our friend did. Like my mom went on ad nauseum about how

wonderful my friend was (even comparing her to Meryl Streep- she was

just a townsperson for God's sake) and then her mom went on and on

about me. It was too funny. We had to get our positive reinforcement

from each other's Nada.

Over the years I have also learned that if I am in a huge arguement

with Nada and she is denying things, then I will say, " that's not

true, you have even done such and such around my friends. " Then Nada

screams, " Who? Who is telling you this? " If I tell her the name of

the friend that sees her craziness, then she will eventually start a

smear campaign to me about that friend. She will say that they don't

know what they are talking about, etc.. What is funny is that a

couple of the friends are psychologists and counselors- it is

obvious that Nada is scared to death that they will figure her out.

Now, I NEVER tell her who might have told me that her behavior was

abnormal.

My friend (with the BP Nada) and I also have learned that we can't

talk about our Nada's with some of our other girlfriends because

they have/had such wonderful relationships with their mothers. They

have not experienced the kinds of abuse we have, they have never

walked a mile in our shoes. They also see that we are decent

mothers, so how could our Nada's have been that bad? They don't

realize that we work everyday on NOT becoming like our Nada's.

I think that this website is such a blessing because we all can

relate to each other and our Nada horrors. There are actually people

that BELIEVE you here. That is a lifesaver to me.

Di.

[Guest guest]

Hey Di,

Having people believe us is one of the most important functions of

this list. Central to nadas' behaviour is the denial that it

is 'abuse' (or sometimes, that it ever occurred at all). Before I

understood bpd a good portion of the time in any of my friendships

(and dates) involved me telling them what nada did, and having them

verify why yes, that IS indeed cruel. My closest friends still do

that for me, but I have learned to use the wonderful people on this

list, my therapist, and most of all MYSELF as the primary validators

now. I think nadas literally feel they will die or burst into

torturous flames, if they have to admit they did one thing wrong to

their children. To me, denying our realities this way is perhaps

the most insidious aspect of their condition. A normal, real person

will say they are sorry for any harm they have caused you, even if

they don't understand how they did it. A nada will try to make you

feel she didn't hurt you at all, you are crazy, and if you are

hurting, which you are not, you are only hurting because you are

deficient in some way, and the overall cause of the whole situation

is of course how HORRIBLY you treat HER...

Good luck. Keep posting, we'll keep validating.

Charley

> I have found that very few people will ever believe me about my

> Nada. That is because she is so nice and " in control " around

others

> when she has to be.

>

> For many years, I have shared Nada stories with one of my friends.

> She has had the same types of issues with her Nada. When I

> discovered the SWOE book this summer, I shared it with her. She

was

> amazed that there was a " name " for our mothers issues/behavior.

Our

> Nada's are so alike it isn't funny anymore. This year, my friend

and

> I were in a children's theatre play with our little boys. Both of

> our Nada's came to the play. Neither of them had one nice thing to

> say to us (about how we did)after the show, but they went on and

on

> about how our friend did. Like my mom went on ad nauseum about how

> wonderful my friend was (even comparing her to Meryl Streep- she

was

> just a townsperson for God's sake) and then her mom went on and on

> about me. It was too funny. We had to get our positive

reinforcement

> from each other's Nada.

>

> Over the years I have also learned that if I am in a huge

arguement

> with Nada and she is denying things, then I will say, " that's not

> true, you have even done such and such around my friends. " Then

Nada

> screams, " Who? Who is telling you this? " If I tell her the name of

> the friend that sees her craziness, then she will eventually start

a

> smear campaign to me about that friend. She will say that they

don't

> know what they are talking about, etc.. What is funny is that a

> couple of the friends are psychologists and counselors- it is

> obvious that Nada is scared to death that they will figure her

out.

> Now, I NEVER tell her who might have told me that her behavior was

> abnormal.

>

> My friend (with the BP Nada) and I also have learned that we can't

> talk about our Nada's with some of our other girlfriends because

> they have/had such wonderful relationships with their mothers.

They

> have not experienced the kinds of abuse we have, they have never

> walked a mile in our shoes. They also see that we are decent

> mothers, so how could our Nada's have been that bad? They don't

> realize that we work everyday on NOT becoming like our Nada's.

>

> I think that this website is such a blessing because we all can

> relate to each other and our Nada horrors. There are actually

people

> that BELIEVE you here. That is a lifesaver to me.

>

> Di.

[Guest guest]

> I have found that very few people will ever believe me about my

> Nada. That is because she is so nice and " in control " around others

> when she has to be.

I hear ya, this is the story of my life !

> My friend (with the BP Nada) and I also have learned that we can't

> talk about our Nada's with some of our other girlfriends because

> they have/had such wonderful relationships with their mothers. They

> have not experienced the kinds of abuse we have, they have never

> walked a mile in our shoes.

I have friends like this also. They had wonderful mothers and perfect

relationships with them...they just can't relate. My nada is just like

yours. She goes on and on about what someone else has accomplished, and

ignors what I have, even if it's more than that who she's praising...

> I think that this website is such a blessing because we all can

> relate to each other and our Nada horrors. There are actually people

> that BELIEVE you here. That is a lifesaver to me.

I totally agree. Before I found this list, it was just my sisters and me to

talk about nada...I'm grateful for them, but it sure does help to know we're

not alone !

Jackie

[Guest guest]

Di,

Yes, yes, yes to everything you wrote and Charley wrote. I am still

blown away that other people live in this parallel universe where

nada censors all events.

Ali

> > I have found that very few people will ever believe me about my

> > Nada. That is because she is so nice and " in control " around

> others

> > when she has to be.

> >

> > For many years, I have shared Nada stories with one of my

friends.

> > She has had the same types of issues with her Nada. When I

> > discovered the SWOE book this summer, I shared it with her. She

> was

> > amazed that there was a " name " for our mothers issues/behavior.

> Our

> > Nada's are so alike it isn't funny anymore. This year, my friend

> and

> > I were in a children's theatre play with our little boys. Both

of

> > our Nada's came to the play. Neither of them had one nice thing

to

> > say to us (about how we did)after the show, but they went on and

> on

> > about how our friend did. Like my mom went on ad nauseum about

how

> > wonderful my friend was (even comparing her to Meryl Streep- she

> was

> > just a townsperson for God's sake) and then her mom went on and

on

> > about me. It was too funny. We had to get our positive

> reinforcement

> > from each other's Nada.

> >

> > Over the years I have also learned that if I am in a huge

> arguement

> > with Nada and she is denying things, then I will say, " that's

not

> > true, you have even done such and such around my friends. " Then

> Nada

> > screams, " Who? Who is telling you this? " If I tell her the name

of

> > the friend that sees her craziness, then she will eventually

start

> a

> > smear campaign to me about that friend. She will say that they

> don't

> > know what they are talking about, etc.. What is funny is that a

> > couple of the friends are psychologists and counselors- it is

> > obvious that Nada is scared to death that they will figure her

> out.

> > Now, I NEVER tell her who might have told me that her behavior

was

> > abnormal.

> >

> > My friend (with the BP Nada) and I also have learned that we

can't

> > talk about our Nada's with some of our other girlfriends because

> > they have/had such wonderful relationships with their mothers.

> They

> > have not experienced the kinds of abuse we have, they have never

> > walked a mile in our shoes. They also see that we are decent

> > mothers, so how could our Nada's have been that bad? They don't

> > realize that we work everyday on NOT becoming like our Nada's.

> >

> > I think that this website is such a blessing because we all can

> > relate to each other and our Nada horrors. There are actually

> people

> > that BELIEVE you here. That is a lifesaver to me.

> >

> > Di.